平和、愛、パンケーキ (Peace, Love, Pancake)

I moved

2006-10-18T18:17:00.000-07:00

Yup. Sorry. I will implore you to follow and I know how irritating it is to change links, etc. But here's the thing...I would like the things that I do to mean something. Rather than change myself on blogger (which I've grown tired of in its limitations) I moved to typepad. :) So...please visit me here as I will no longer be posting on this blog: The Second Shift. It does have a meaning. Go find out. P.S. I am in the slow process when I have time of moving my posts (which will admittedly take a year) as well because I just can't let things go...so if the chronology looks odd, you are now informed as to why.

Stars upon thars

2006-10-16T06:50:00.000-07:00

The friend closest to my heart gave me a nickname not long after I met her...sneetch. Sounds odd, I know. It is my favorite nickname of all time though, and not simply because she bestowed it upon me. The actual story behind it is what causes me to embrace it. It was given originally because I have a tattoo of a nautical star on the back of my neck-she said that tattoo reminded her of a sneetch with a star on its belly every time she saw it. No, the tattoo is not in the same spot-that's beside the point. As you can probably guess from the picture this is none other than a Dr. Suess story-coincidentally my favorite author as a child, along with countless other children. The story begins by describing two different character groups-sneetches with stars upon their bellies, and sneetches that had none-of course, the sneetches with the stars feel that they are superior to the other ones.

Now the Star-bellied Sneetches had bellies with stars. The Plain-bellied Sneetches had none upon thars. The stars weren't so big; they were really quite small. You would think such a thing wouldn't matter at all. But because they had stars, all the Star-bellied Sneetches would brag, "We're the best kind of Sneetch on the beaches."

It continues on to describe how horrid the star-bellied sneetches behave...

With their snoots in the air, they would sniff and they'd snort, " We'll have nothing to do with the plain-bellied sort." And whenever they met some, when they were out walking, they'd hike right on past them without even talking. When the Star-bellied children went out to play ball, could the Plain-bellies join in their game? Not at all! You could only play ball if your bellies had stars, and the Plain-bellied children had none upon thars. When the Star-bellied Sneetches had frankfurter roasts, or picnics or parties or marshmallow toasts, they never invited the Plain-bellied Sneetches. Left them out cold in the dark of the beaches. Kept them away; never let them come near, and that's how they treated them year after year.

Sound like a familiar issue yet? Especially the part where someone has to come along and be the one to instigate change?

"My friends, " he announced in a voice clear and keen, "My name is Sylvester McMonkey McBean. I've heard of your troubles; I've heard you're unhappy. But I can fix that; I'm the fix-it-up chappie. I've come here to help you; I have what you need. My prices are low, and I work with great speed, and my work is one hundred per cent guaranteed." Then quickly, Sylvester McMonkey McBean put together a very peculiar machine. Then he said, "You want stars like a Star-bellied Sneetch? My friends, you can have them . . . . for three dollars each. Just hand me your money and climb on aboard." They clambered inside and the big machine roared. It bonked. It clonked. It jerked. It berked. It bopped them around, but the thing really worked. When the Plain-bellied Sneetches popped out, they had stars! They actually did, they had stars upon thars! Then they yelled at the ones who had stars from the start, "We're exactly like you; you can't tell us apart. We're all just the same now, you snooty old smarties. Now we can come to your frankfurter parties!"

And then we get to the crux of the story...

"Good grief!" groaned the one who had stars from the first. "We're still the best Sneetches, and they are the worst. But how in the world will we know," they all frowned, "if which kind is what or the other way 'round?" Then up stepped McBean with a very sly wink, and he said, "Things are not quite as bad as you think. You don't know who's who, that is perfectly true. But come with me, friends, do you know what I'll do? I'll make you again the best Sneetches on beaches, and all it will cost you is ten dollars eaches. Belly stars are no longer in style, " said McBean. "What you need is a trip through my stars-off machine. This wondrous contraption will take off your stars, so you won't look like Sneetches who have them on thars." That handy machine, working very precisely, removed all the stars from their bellies quite nicely. Then, with snoots in the air, they paraded about. They opened their beaks and proceeded to shout, "We now know who's who, and there isn't a doubt, the best kind of Sneetches are Sneetches without." Then, of course those with stars all got frightfully mad. To be wearing a star now was frightfully bad. Then, of course old Sylvester McMonkey McBean invited them into his stars-off machine. Then, of course from then on, you can probably guess, things really got into a horrible mess. All the rest of the day on those wild screaming beaches, the Fix-it-up-Chappie was fixing up Sneetches. Off again, on again, in again, out again, through the machine and back round about again, still paying money, still running through, changing their stars every minute or two, until neither the Plain- nor the Star-bellies knew whether this one was that one or that one was this one or which one was what one or what one was who! Then, when every last cent of their money was spent, the Fix-It-Up-Chappie packed up and he went. And he laughed as he drove in his car up the beach, "They never will learn; no, you can't teach a Sneetch!" But McBean was quite wrong, I'm quite happy to say, the Sneetches got quite a bit smarter that day. That day, they decided that Sneetches are Sneetches, and no kind of Sneetch is the BEST on the beaches. That day, all the Sneetches forgot about stars, and whether they had one or not upon thars.

I love that my nickname has to do with that story. The obvious moral aimed at children, of course, is that no one should be treated poorly or trodden upon simply because they are different or look different. However, there's another moral hidden in that story as well that I certainly wouldn't have gotten as a child... You can teach a sneetch. That's why those of us who see the world for what it really is keep trying-why we don't get overwhelmed with everything that needs changing. Everyone is capable of a different way of being.

Buy some red things

2006-10-14T06:35:00.000-07:00

It's really no wonder that so many people would prefer to live in ignorance of the really freakin' big picture...why a majority (more specifically the majority in America that have at least some modicum of income, etc.) would prefer to just see a tiny little picture. See, if the blinders stay in place people can continue to complain about not being able to take the vacation they really want, or how boring their job is, or that they can't afford the car they really want, or so many other ors. How entirely rich our country is, that so many of us can complain about things like that. Of course, this all includes those of us who can afford to worry about things like that, rather than where we're going to eat next.

In reference to AIDS statistics of South Africa, Avert claims that in many cases "people are dying of AIDS before they can starve to death". Education and condom use is great, and these things are going on there as well...but individual changes of behavior have to be supported and allowed for them to actually work.

There are large social and economic gaps between women and men in Zimbabwe, and these inequalities have played a central role in the spread of HIV. Constrictive attitudes towards female sexuality contrast with lenient ones towards the sexual activity of men, resulting in a situation where men often have multiple sexual partners and women have little authority to instigate condom use. Sexual abuse, rape and coerced sex are all common, and as the economy deteriorates more women are turning to sex work as a means of survival.

Then there is the issue of money which brings me to the entire point of this. For millions that already have the disease, medication and health care aren't even an option because they don't even have the few dollars a day it would take to procure such a luxury. This is where the red stuff comes in...

I watched Oprah last night, because sometimes I do that, and the show was about one of Bono's new campaigns "Red". I have no problem admitting that it made me cry...if you have a beating heart how does a bombardment of images like this one not make you cry?

I'm not even going to explain what it is, because hopefully it makes you curious as all hell and you find out for yourself.

P.S. Should you be in any position to buy me a gift in the next few years for a birthday, or holiday...only buy something related to that website.

Women this week

2006-10-13T08:25:00.000-07:00

Women still hurting in Bukavu Alertnet.org

Hundreds of women were captured, raped, tortured and terribly traumatised by militias in D. R. Congo. Those who escaped are going through a healing process, but their predicament is still dismal.

The Congo's only specialized rape clinic has dealt with over 10,000 cases in the last seven years. Terrorism is defined as the systematic use of terror, such as violent or destructive acts commited by groups in order to intimidate a population or government, as a means of coercion. That's from our dictionary; but I suppose in real time it's only considered terrorism if it happens to us. Women’s Prison Healthcare Called ‘Grossly Deficient’ Blackvoicenews.com

Some prisoners incarcerated at the California Institution for Women at Corona were routinely denied basic health and dental care...

Women's Day- Should It Be Celebrated Americanchronicle.com

Ideally when one thinks of a woman, one should not think about them different in any respect to men.

Sure, ideally it wouldn't actually be surprising or noteworthy that a woman or woman of color for that matter reached the top of a giant corporation; there is a reason that it is and would the author have gone just a half step further they would have answered their own hypothetical question. My favorite argument that people like to bring up when this subject comes up (admittedly it does not happen often) is "...look at women like Oprah or Martha Stewart...what do you mean glass ceiling?". Well, yes...but, they started their own parties...at no point did they have to compete to get into the men's club which is almost invariably at the top of most corporations. Don't even get me started on the argument of Condoleeza Rice as a representation of how women or women of color are fairly represented in the government

When just for a moment-all is right with the world

2006-10-12T10:27:00.000-07:00

It's like that sensation of butterflies in the tummy at the exact same moment that a smile starting genuinely from the inside, makes its way to the outside and would render another person helpless to resist beaming as well were anyone actually in the room. "Congratulations! I am very pleased to inform you that you have been selected as a recipient of the Community Involvement Award starting Fall 2006. I was very impressed with your work and potential to succeed at ______* University/Seattle. I personally wish to congratulate you on your accomplishments and thank you for the time and energy you put into the application process...The award will be $___* per semester..."
You really know a quality smile when it lasts into the next day even. *Identifying and/or private details such as money stuff are usually omitted.

Hidden victims of a brutal conflict: Iraq's women

2006-10-11T13:27:00.000-07:00

Wherein we are given even more proof that we are involved in a war which serves the interest of a few and says everyone else be damned.

No one ever says, "I want to be a wind-up doll when I grow up"

2006-10-11T07:14:00.000-07:00

Oh, but it's okay after all...people aren't allowed to touch them. What a relief, because that would really mean they were contributing to objectifying women...

"The Margaret Thatcher government challenged and then revoked the club's casino license in the U.K. in 1981."

P.S. There was a reason for that challenge. How quickly that is forgotten.

Staggering in its violent message

2006-10-10T13:37:00.000-07:00

I had every intention of spending a trillion pages outlining the ignorance infused discussion had in my class last night regarding the validity of the feminist perspective theory in psychology. Essentially this theory posits that the personal is political; that is, one cannot be separated from the system in which they live and interact in...one cannot be separated from how the system has affected their "pathology", or "dysfunction", so to speak. Most traditional theories of psychology today (and/or the foundations to such) were created by white men...too many conclusions in the DSM IV are based on normal emotional reactions to life aimed at pathologizing women. Last night I listened to other women, fellow classmates, tear the validity of such apart, saying that we are so much farther ahead than we were that the theory loses some of its appropriateness today...that the theory should equally talk about how women and men have been objectified by the patriarchy embedded in most of the world...that it is nothing but a theory based on an outdated "political agenda" that has no basis today (and I guarantee that the political agenda they were referring to as if it tasted awful to even say it, was the stereotypical picture of man-hating/insane/irrational/unreasonable/victimized/crazed feminist that has become so popular nowadays). It was fascinating (in the fascinating way that you can't tear your eyes away from even the most gruesome of car accidents) to watch fellow women decry our own statement for rights/equality/safety. I was going to drone on and on about it in that particular way that I am capable of. Until I saw this. Which in turn led me to this. Seriously...if you don't have time, make time to read them. I fear that anything I tried to say to convey the complete wash of disgust that clouded my brain up after reading about the above would be lost in my sometime weaknesses as a writer. Think words can't be violent? Share with me how you feel then, after reading what was written to this woman. {1} What happens in the pit of your stomach when you read: you dumb slut you fucking retard Ha ha, you're a dirty whore YOU DESERVED IT, YOU SLUTTY LITTLE WHORE SHUT YOUR GODDAMN FUCKING MOUTH, CUNT Your life is fucking worthless you goddamn slut Please kill yourself now bitch I hope you feel good about murdering your kid whore Tough shit slut You are a disgusting little shit of a woman

It made the back of my neck crawl right up off my back and run out of the building...and I'm even a little desensitized to violent language having been in a position to have heard it frequently for a few years. It brought up all the reactions that might be typical to someone who is socially aware and human; I felt sick, I wanted to cry and could not because I am at work, I became angry, a small part of myself felt ashamed to be part of the same species that regardless of what it was that they hated or disagreed with, would say those things to another person.

If the creation of blogs and the reading of blogs like these do nothing more than spread further the knowledge of what still happens in this century that many people want to stuff down into the drains of history in order to pretend that's where it stayed, then they have done a great service. If they can make people aware of how far we actually have not come as a society or world so that people in this country stop hiding behind the lazy way of "but look at all that has changed" (a.k.a. "Look at how far we have come in America so that means things are so much better, doesn't it?") then they have done an even greater service.

{1} Aside: I refer to her, not by using her blogging name, but by saying woman with a specific purpose in mind. Just as what happens when speaking to a stranger via phone, when contacting someone via a website something funny can sometimes happen for the one doing the contacting...they lose their awareness that they are addressing an actual person.

Violence Against Women Officially Declared a Human Rights Violation

2006-10-09T16:16:00.000-07:00

"[As] long as violence against women continues, we cannot claim to be making real progress towards equality, development and peace"... Just now, it's "unacceptable"...

It was everything I had hoped it would be

2006-10-09T13:31:00.000-07:00

I have moved a total of 11 times since the age of 20 (that's an average of 1.375 times per year). I counted because it was brought to my attention that some people consider it humorous that I continually move-that I can't stay in one place for a myriad of different reasons that don't normally make themselves clear until the lease is about to expire. Okay. I'll give that one up...it is chuckle worthy that I'm a little crazy that way. I get my own dose of humor that people even find my craziness funny. As J pointed out, there always ends up being something unjustifiably wrong with a place that only months prior I was more than happy to exhaust myself (and others) in order to move into. But, um...there is usually something wrong by the time the lease is up-and it's not always my fault. At some point my residences do me horribly wrong. Case and point...

Move #1-Moved in with boyfriend to Lake Forest Park.

Move #2-Promptly broke up with boyfriend one month later and moved out, in order to move in with best friend in Edmonds.

Move #3-Moved out after becoming not so best friends, in order to move in with irresponsible male friend & messy male friend/ex to Shoreline (did I mention I made stellar decisions back then?).

Move #4-Moved out after 2 months in order to move in with new boyfriend (after dating for only 2 months) to North Bend.

Move #5-Two months later moved back home after new boyfriend assaulted our roommate causing them to move out & us to not be able to afford the house anymore...moved to my mom's house in Lake Forest Park. Had to move out shortly thereafter for all the obvious reasons.

Move #6-Moved to the first apartment that only I was responsible for (and would therefore keep) in Mountlake Terrace. Not really totally sure why I left there...it may have had something to do with needing to not be in a place that I was once terrorized by someone in.

Move #7-Moved in with next new boyfriend temporarily (consequently have kept said new boyfriend the entire time up until now) in Everett. Had to move out shortly thereafter because I wanted it to be a temporary thing only.

Move #8-Moved to yet another "my own apartment" in Edmonds. Had to move out because I had gotten a new job downtown and had grown tired of driving for eternity every day (I think they were going to significantly raise my rent as well).

Move #9-Moved on my own to Lake City which was somewhat closer to work. Had to move out because I didn't sign a very long lease & they were going to raise my rent.

Move #10-Moved to Greenwood because a)it was cheaper, b)it was a little closer to work, and c)it had a huge yard & tons of space (due to yard, was able to look past the fact that it was a basement, therefore dark...and had only a skinny shower stall rather than a bathtub). Had to move out because with the onset of fall it became even more dark in there as well as the fact that spiders began to move in on the house in droves (not to mention the skinny shower stall).

Move #11-Moved to Queen Anne where currently I am completely ass over tea kettle, in love. It is bright, it is in the middle of everything and there are people around and fun things to walk to and coziness and close to school/work and, and, and.

A bomb would have to go off in the building before I started to hate it at this point. And despite the sad fact that by the time J and I finally fell asleep last night the entire less than 500 sq feet looked like a war zone with how little I had gotten organized, I was frighteningly happy to be sleeping there...even in an ungodly mess. I would bet my dog that this new apt. will probably never do me wrong.

As you can see below, high school reunion was more fun than I allowed myself to think that it could be and I left it feeling happy that I had made the choice to do it...

The only low point of the weekend? Effing kiddie porn freaks get set free.

Late on the uptake

2006-10-05T19:03:00.000-07:00

Okay, okay-I know that October started 5 days ago and along with it breast cancer awareness month, so that if I was going to be overloading on pink in honer of it I should have started a while ago. Shoot me-this week it was Emile Durkheim in all his social anomie glory that took up the entirety of my brain. Sidenote: what an awesome month to have quit smoking...odd how it just worked out like that without me planning it that way. I tortured myself for the impending high school reunion (taking place tomorrow) today. For me, torturing equates to a trip to my waxing ladies. Ow. I do usually treat myself to a manicure at the same time which is so very pleasant...although I still haven't learned to save the manicure for last rather than the waxing. However, I'm not sure which is worse-sitting there for a half hour for all the other women to see me with a flaming red (burning, I might add) face because I saved the manicure for last, or having to end the pampering on a negative note. Still undecided about that one. I must say though, that she went abso-effing-lutely to town on my eyebrows this evening. They still hurt. I (partially) come from a long (and tall) line of norwegian women...lefsa eating, lutefisk making women. For any of you that aren't aware, those of us blessed with a percentage of this blood, tend to be furrier than the average bear. This translates into hellfire when getting eyebrows (or anything else for that matter) waxed. I have built up an enormous amount of trust with one particular nail/wax/etc. place in Edmonds. Having built up this trust as a result of going only there for almost two years now, I go nowhere else. Nowhere. All past experiences in doing so have led to only bad, bad things, so I stopped messing around. Usually, I know what to expect...I know how my nails will look, how long they will last, how my eyebrows will look, etc. It's pretty much status quo at this point. Not today. "A", one of my favorite women there, was the one to help me with my assorted requests this evening. Nails came out looking wonderful, as I knew they would, and I loved her for it-I told her so as well. Then it was eyebrow time. Maybe she sensed that I had a "going out" event tomorrow evening...after all, we all know each other pretty well at this point and knowing people pretty well gives you a pretty good feeling for their "vibes" and such stuff. Maybe I just mysteriously had more eyebrow than usual (I really didn't think it had been that long since I was in, but maybe so). For all that is sacred on this earth, though, when she started the whole business, it was all I could do not to push her away from my face and run screaming out the door. It wasn't just that she waxed the hell out of my face-it's that she did way more than they normally do. For example, she broke out little scissors after the whole wax mess which is entirely unusual, and starting cutting them, during which time I screamed over and over in my head 'are you leaving me any eyebrows, because I sort of need some'! In a matter of seconds, which is just about how long it took even while it seemed like an eternity to me, I had imagined the remaining course of my life without eyebrows. Because I'm crazy like that. Although I heart this woman to death for all that she does for me, in that particular moment I have to admit I hated her a little bit...especially during the pepper of little tweezers to pick up whatever the wax hadn't ripped off, which continued on and on for a lifetime despite my best efforts to sink my head into the chair I was sitting in...away from those nasty little metal things. Despite the exaggeration, I'm really not sure why it was all that much worse than normal...it just was. To salve my wounds I try to keep looking at my cute nails, which sort of make up for it. I move in two days. P.S. I so love what she did to my eyebrows.

Ms. magazine names women who had abortions

2006-10-03T22:14:00.000-07:00

I should be writing my assignments that are due this week since there is a multitude of things I have to do this weekend (i.e. attend reunion, spend time with Kel, maybe hit up Van's girl's night out on Saturday, move on Sunday, allow J to pay for moving truck even though I'm all weird about the fact that it's really my problem to take care of, not his)...only Ms. Magazine sort of screwed that all up. My favorite part of this article was when Ms. Brown of American Life League fame was quoted as saying "the evil practically jumped right off the page". Really? Did it bite you in the ass too because, if so, I hope it hurt like hell. When I read that quote the first thought I had was witch trials...seriously, it's the first thing that came to mind. Something else that was stimulated and "justified" by religion which brought about nothing but hatred and (ironically enough) "evil" in the end (see also...pagans). BTW: The article also mentions South Dakota's plunge off of the deep end wherein they're proud of their frenzied, scared support of abortion being illegal even in cases of rape or incest...of course, ya'll know how I feel about that. One thing that strikes me, simply about this article alone is that entire "evil" thing...because that quote ("the evil practically jumped right off the page") just really stuck me in the wrong spot. Am I incorrect in the assumption that those who have a fundamental belief in Jesus, God, whatever it may be, allegedly believe when it comes right down to it that judgment is between an individual and their God? Am I wrong? If I am, may God, Buddah, Allah, She-ra or whomever, strike me dead right now. I have never once heard someone of this belief reasonably justify why being believers in a fill-in-the-blank-here religion translates into the assumption that they are the watchtowers of others' behavior...of why they feel they have the right to do what they believe their God does (judge others). Seriously...if someone knows where there is a rational, reasonable argument for that I would like to know. I really, truly want to understand why women are telling other women what/when/why/where to do with their bodies. And, oh yes...you bet your ass I signed that petition on Ms. Magazine's website. (hint, hint...you can sign it simply in support as well).

Well paint me pink and call me crazy

2006-10-03T12:00:00.000-07:00

During the time I was smoking regularly, I spent approximately $12,045.00 on it. That's a car. That's a down payment on a condo...or maybe a small house. That's 63% of the total cost to get my bachelors degree (thank you Billy Bean for doing math for me because I'm too silly to figure it out). I hope that Phillip Morris & Altria Group (bastard parents of Phillip Morris company) appreciated it...that hard earned money of mine that is. I was playing around online today, even though I should have been reading/studying my ass off considering all the work that I have to do in the next few weeks (end of the first term..FINALS), and happened upon the Washington State Quitline website. In hindsight I probably should have chosen the studying because after my visit & what I read, I got angry. But on a positive note...here's what is happening/starting to happen for me now... 20 minutes after quitting smoking: Your blood pressure drops to a normal rate for you. The temperature of your hands and feet increases to normal. 8 hours: The carbon monoxide level in your blood drops to normal. The oxygen level in your blood goes up to normal. 24 hours: Your chance of a heart attack goes down. 48 hours: Nerve endings start re-growing. Ability to smell and taste begins to improve. 2 weeks to 3 months: Your circulation improves. Walking gets easier. Your lungs perform up to 30 percent better. 1 to 9 months: There's less coughing, sinus congestion, tiredness, and shortness of breath. Cilia (tiny hairs) re-grow in your lungs to better handle mucous, clean your lungs, and reduce infection. 1 year after quitting: Your extra risk of coronary heart disease is half that of a smoker's. 5 to 15 years: Your stroke risk goes down to that of a nonsmoker. Heaven alive. Seriously.

As if it had swallowed me whole

2006-10-02T14:22:00.000-07:00

In 5 days I will be sleeping in downtown Seattle. My thoughts are consumed by this. I think it might be unhealthy. I can see the Space Needle's head from my apt. parking lot... I am so entirely excited by this whole moving thing that it has managed to push aside my anxiety over the sneaky-question "quiz" (that is really a test in a poorly constructed disguise) I have to take tonight. Thank you P, for the validation that a tiny fridge is perfectly okay (especially in light of the fact that I hardly ever have food in my large sized refridgerators anyway).

wrap up

2006-10-01T20:04:00.000-07:00

I have worked over 65 hours this week. I've written three papers and studied three chapters all about cognitive behavioral, multimodel stuff. I've done this all on an average of 5 hours of sleep per night. None of my pants fit anymore. I actually have to worry about holding them up if I happen to forget a belt on a particular day. Today, for a moment, I fell asleep on the floor at work. It was during the home stretch of my 11 hour shift. I sort of look like I have cancer of some kind...all sort of hollow. Despite all of that, I'm still totally ready for this week, excited even...with high school reunions, and moving into new places and all of it. Took J to see my new apt. on Saturday night. We were standing in the hallway that happens to be my kitchen too and he asked me if I had a fridge. I frowned, and actually started looking for it because it's not something I had thought about before. Then I noticed it. It's little. I have a hotel fridge. But damnit I have an actual bathtub rather than just a skinny shower stall for the first time in 9 months.

Only iTunes

2006-10-01T07:15:00.000-07:00

In all its random glory, would placeVivaldi's violin concerto in A minor back to back with House of Pain. This is part of what makes work fun...especially when I have spent my entire weekend working overtime. I love you iTunes...I really don't know what I would do without you.

Tell Her What She's Won, Bob!

2006-09-29T19:55:00.000-07:00

I called it. It's really too bad that I don't get a prize for calling out how predictable my family is. Signed my lease today, so it's officially mine for a year at least. The signing of which got me all jazzed again (which was nice, after having sort of a down Friday). Almost immediately when I got home I started making a mental list of where things would need to go, what I would need to be rid of, and what I couldn't live without. It was decided, since it was free anyway, and belonged to a friend of J's, that the queen sized bed would go rather than me paying to store it (which would probably amount to a higher storage fee than if I just stored important boxes). My first mistake, was to be kind and generous by wanting to see if any family members would want the bed first, prior to giving it away to strangers. I curse myself for my kindness. Unfortunately, when I started by calling my sister, she happened to be at my mom's house with my nephew. Prior to realizing where she was I made the offer...almost as soon as she said she didn't need it, before I could scream at her to stop, she relayed to my mother that a bed was available if she happened to know anyone that would want it. If imaginations all of a sudden became real, I would have actually sunk into the ground, never to rise again. My day had gotten better...I was loving how much better it had gotten...I did not yet want to deal with the guilt that attempts to suck me in at breakneck speed after every single decision is made by me regarding my life (emphasize, my life). You would have thought that I had announced that I had decided to neverever have children, was having a sex change, was moving to Iceland, and on top of everything else, wanted to have a tail surgically implanted on my backside. Really. The pepper of questions that I overheard in the background from my mother really made me pity my sister at that moment. So, I bit...I made my second mistake by calling my mother in an attempt to damage control. I calmly explained that this was much better for me considering what I was doing with my life at the moment...it's five minutes from school, blah, blah, blah. Apparently, the issue that was causing the uproar of a household 10 minutes away, was the fact that I was giving away a bed that I didn't pay for. I'm not kidding. Her: Why do you have to give away all your stuff? Me: I'm not giving away all my stuff...my new apt. will not fit a queen sized bed & my futon. Her: Why can't you fit anything in it? Me: Because it's not a million square feet like my current place...it's downtown. Her: Isn't this the bed you paid for not too long ago? Me: No...it was free. Her: What are you going to do in six months when you need a bed again? Me: I signed a year long lease. Her: You didn't answer my question. Me: I'll worry about it then. Her: You're going to be able to afford a new bed in a year? I'll tell you now, you're not! Me: I'll worry about it then. I'm not worried about it and it's my problem, so you don't need to worry about it. Her: Who's going to take care of your dog when you need it? Me: No one will need to...that's the point of it. Her: How are you going to buy a new bed in a year? My brain: (Maybe I will win the lottery and I will buy 20 beds...maybe I will end up on the streets and a bed will be the least of my problems...I'm not going to stress out about what might or might not happen a year from now!) Me (because I get what the real issue is about): It's only 15 minutes away, mom, it's not as if I'm moving to Idaho. (translates into=I'm not abandoning you). Her: Yah...if you don't drive between 3pm & 5pm (translates into=yes you are). Me: I know, mom...I drive it twice every day right now (and I do my best to not go insane each time I do it during a weekday). Her: Whatever, I need to go now. (translates into=you've wronged me and I'm done with the conversation now because you're not going to change your mind). Me: Okay, I love you. Her: Bye. (translates into=I'm not saying that I love you in return because I'm going to punish you for not doing what I would have preferred). I sat quietly for a good ten minutes to stave off a fit of rage. Then I cried. I hate feeling as if someone is trying to control me, more than I hate anything else on this planet. I cannot live my life in a healthy manner, go to school successfully, keep my job at the same time successfully, and keep up my relationships with others successfully while bearing the burden of responsibility of whether someone else is happy or not...especially not a family member. Especially not my mother, who I am more grateful to than anyone for where I've ended up in my life. That is the irony of it, because what I have never had the nerve to say to her, but have always wanted to cry out in situations like this is, but this is what you taught me to do-to do what makes me happy and to use my independence in order to get what I want, and make different decisions than you did, but then you try to punish me for it. I am the only one out of three that is doing exactly what she raised me to do which is to not depend on others for what I want out of life, to set a goal and achieve it, to think myself worthy of being happy and to do what it takes to make that happen. I'm doing what maybe she doesn't realize she taught me to do...and she can see it only in what would be more tangible means such as "my daughter is married", or "my daughter is married and has two children" or "my daughter and her husband own a house now". I would give my left arm for her to see it as "my daughter is her own person, and capable, and I helped to do that for her". I know enough to know where she's at and why she does it. She's unhappy at this point in her life...she's unhappy to be ill, she's unhappy with some of the choices that have put her where she is (which I've known most of my life), and she's unhappy that she feels there's nothing she can do about it. Only instead of seeing it for what it is, it turns into a daughter that's deserting and going too far away, or another daughter that's making a bad choice...because it's so much easier to focus on what other people are doing wrong, than to focus on what we might be doing wrong. Although, I have to admit...it kills me a little inside to know that she's that unhappy, and that I can't do a single thing in the world to change that for her. At the very least, I understand the dynamics of this situation, so I don't have to get angry with her...and I've done my best to help her when she's asked for it. All else aside, though...if I do have children, I will never, ever, make them feel responsible for my happiness. It is one of the worst feelings in the world to know that you are the catalyst for someone's contentment, when you realize that you are actually helpless to change anything for them, because they have to do it on their own.

What Must The Neighbors Think?

2006-09-28T20:18:00.000-07:00

Sadie's body count so far this week: 1 large plastic bowl that wasn't even mine (usually used for salads...and used often might I add) 1 almost full bottle of beta food 4 plates (seriously detrimental considering I was already down to 6, from 8) Added today: 1 most of a bottle of a brand new bottle of beta food (thank God above it was the pellet kind & not flakes) 1 medium sized soup bowl The first time I saw the carnage this evening it was only to pick up the homicidal dog on my way to other things. I stared at it for about two minutes recreating in my brain what probably happened to cause it, sort of like CSI, you know...I say quickly because after having seen so effing many I'm experienced in this. I just couldn't deal with-so I walked out the door. It wasn't until I got home tonight that I had the ability to get angry, and I did get angry...with a rolled up magazine (and no one can tell me that she doesn't remember what she did...not when she cowers everytime I enter the scene of the crime until it's been cleaned up. She remembers all right). It was only when I was picking up tiny beta food pellet after tiny beta food pellet trying to salvage it did I start to smile inside. Yes, it's crazy...but I actually looked at her and verbally gloated about the fact that in a few weeks time there would really be nothing left for her to destroy after I gave it all away or stored it. What must they think upstairs? They really don't go anywhere...they're a retired couple. Here they spend all day hearing things breaking and crashing to the floor and then yelling. I bet it sounds like I'm domestically violent towards myself.

Seriously?

2006-09-27T23:45:00.000-07:00

A) If I sent you an email within the past three days and you didn't think it was appropriate to even respond at all...you can suck my toes (toes was actually the nicest out of all the body parts I came up with as options). B) Although the Mariners lost the past two nights...I had a fun time watching them lose. Why? 1b) It was the second "date" J and I have been on this week. :)

(So, yah...it was actually taken upside down and I rotated it, so it looks odd.)

2b) Second reason? It's always fun watching them wreck the place as one of the 5 trillion fly balls this evening hit the KOMO sign...

3b) The picture says it all (please note...I wasn't trying to get a picture of Sexson adjusting himself...I was just trying to get the picture is all)...

C) I think my mom was right...I'm shrinking. Oddly enough, I think I'm shrinking even while I struggle to quit smoking. It has to be the stress, it's the only answer. My stress is eating me alive.

D) So...Queen Anne here I come (provided my Dad can float me $600 until next Friday). Apt. guy called me today to confirm that as long as everything on my app. checks out (which it will considering that I'm not a felon/pedophile/lease skipper), I'm first in line to get that apt. I've been running around for all week. Why am I so excited to move into an apt. where you pass the kitchen in the hallway on the way to the bedroom? Because it's right. in. the. middle. of. Queen. Anne. Right in the middle. Like I can walk a few blocks to the Seattle Center, middle. Or, I can walk to the 500 quaint little restaurants on 1st, middle. Or, I can take a jaunt to Key Arena, middle. I don't care that I have to pack away or get rid of, 75% of my belongings because they just won't fit. I don't care that it's something for my parents to bitch at me about because my car might get broken into or it's dangerous down there or it's 15 minutes farther than I am now or what am I going to do if I need something from someone (you'd think I was moving to Billings, MT...but I know it's coming). I don't care that I can't really entertain because there's really nowhere to put anyone. I don't care that the apt. I'm lusting after would fit into my current place three times. I so want to be there.

Highlight of my day? Toss up between finding out that I pretty much have the green light to move to the heart of Seattle and watching the M's lose.

Bush Administration Withholds Funds for Global Women's Health

2006-09-26T09:17:00.000-07:00

"New York, NY -- For the fifth year in a row, the Bush Administration announced September 13th its decision to withhold the $34 million appropriated by Congress to UNFPA, the United Nations Population Fund. This makes $161 million denied to proven programs that reduce maternal mortality, provide millions of women with contraception and prevent the spread of HIV." Really? Respectively: "The cost of the war in Iraq will reach $320 billion after the expected passage next month of an emergency spending bill currently before the Senate, and that total is likely to more than double before the war ends, the Congressional Research Service estimated this week." Acknowledging that my brain, used to dealing with only hundreds of dollars at the most, really won't realistically grasp the impact of that much money, it still seems to me that comparitively $34 mil. is sort of paltry compared to $320 bil. Especially considering that amount was projected to double (and that's in April, 2006). In a reasonable america, the powers that be might recognize which of the following would perhaps end up to be more productive: Investing in a means to slow even further, the spread of HIV and preventing erroneous child births, or... Terrorizing america while working the pro-military population into a crazed frenzy in order to support a facade of a $640 bil. war? Doesn't seem like a difficult decision to me, but what do I know?

dogishness

2006-09-25T22:41:00.000-07:00

++excited to go to class this evening as i missed last week's. this is the class we're told that there will be a quiz in every night on the previous week's chapters (hello six million chapters read over the weekend). i thought nothing of this. *quiz* to me is like 15 questions...20 tops. i don't know that i'm alone in this impression either, of course i could be wrong. 50 questions it turns out to be. 50 questions on existentialism and humanism and rogers and gestalt and therapy that runs together so closely because they all begat each other that you really don't know who's who. 50. that's, like, a test. is it not? not to mention that they were the type of sneaky questions where there really could be about 4 different right answers. so sneaky in fact that i was tempted to stand up, point at my professor and accuse her of sabotage. although, that was nothing compare to the hellstorm i walked into when i got home... ++so, i'm an asshole and i forgot to put the key under my mat so my sister could let sadie out. my mom called me about 5 min. before class to tell me that my sister couldn't find the key. for a second i didn't really get it until i replayed in my mind, my rush out the door this morning where i didn't put the key under the mat. shit, hell and everything else. i couldn't concentrate the entire class because i imagined that maybe she was dying a doggie suicide at home due to her misery at having been let out in so long. although, no prior bad-dog episodes of hers could have prepared me for what i walked into. i suppose that she probably took a running jump to actually get up on the kitchen counter since the garbage was knocked over (the garbage that is on the counter in the first place so that she won't get frisky and knock it over), the cat food eaten and my entire dish drying rack knocked over onto the floor (with all the dishes having impacted at 100mph by the looks of it). i cursed myself for the stupidity of having coffee last weekend because coffee grounds had snowed everywhere. after a moment of staring dumbly at it all i started cleaning it up and realized that i now have only two plates (exceptionally sad since they were disappearing even before this and i can't figure out for the life of me where they went). i couldn't even get mad at her really...i would have torn everything to hell if i was her too. although i must admit i was shocked to find even the fish food empty...so shocked in fact that i forgot myself for a second and after picking up the package carcass off my bedroom floor, looked at her and said out loud really, as if she might actually have answered. although... ++there is absolutely nothing (nothing) in the world that beats the fact that today i successfully bullied an apt. rentor into allowing me to interrupt his personal, peaceful meeting at a coffee joint in queen anne in order to give him a deposit check so that the one apt. i found that had everything i was looking for right now wouldn't get rented. nice. sometimes it pays to be a never-take-no-for-an-answer brat. $615/month, in queen anne (minutes away from school AND work), new carpet, allows sadie in all her bulk to live there, available now and best of all...is not the basement of a house where all winter i would awaken daily to fight a war with spiders. and, yes, i realize that dogishness is not a word.

the difficult truths

2006-09-24T14:12:00.000-07:00

something snuck up on me today as i typed word #691 in the 1,000 word essay that i have due by midnight tomorrow evening. it crept up on me, in the middle of my what-i-would-change-about-current-drug-policy musings, in the same manner that a bad cold does. i was horrified and disgusted with myself after it became clear. i. like. writing. papers. i do. creating ideas and finding information to back them up. thinking of ways to say and present something so that it sounds intelligent. organizing where it all should go. i enjoy it. then the actual root of liking it hit me as well, more like a smack in the face. it's like arguing under the wild abandon of knowing there is no one to argue back or disagree. it's like having an entire 1,000 words to be right in.

until it's not red anymore

2006-09-23T13:39:00.000-07:00

yesterday i reached the red zone of stress. it's possible that for a moment or two, i may have peaked into the black zone (cause, really, what's the next logical step after red?). after waltzing around in the precarious orange zone for weeks now (& ignoring it), it makes sense that it would only take one, single thing to tip the scales. it started when i got home yesterday to find the cable box on the house wide open with cable ends sticking out all willy-nilly like dead tree branches...not good. no internet=no access to online class. it could only follow that i would go inside to warily check my internet and find that, yes, it was no longer connected. to my detriment i automatically assumed that the new neighbors upstairs must have tried to hook their cable up to mine and therefore screwed it all up. i'm pretty positive that i immediately got that tense look on my face that can be sort of scary to anyone that is witness to it. tense look in full effect and the garbage bill in tow that i needed them to pay i knocked on their door. i've never spoken to these people with the exception of one time that i saw the wife in passing across the yard only to exchange a brief 'hello'. the poor husband opens the door to an uptight look on my face, demands for payment of said garbage bill and what i can only imagine must have sounded like veiled accusations that they went at the cables with reckless abandon while i was not at home. to his credit, he either didn't notice this or is a very understanding man because he quickly diffused the situation by explaining that yes, if i need the internet for school it is very important and that it is most unfortunate that the comcast representative whose task it was to set up their cable earlier in the day had no concern at all for mine. oh. in retrospect i must have had crazy (you might remember her) in check because he kindly offered me the use of his internet if i needed it for something until they fixed it. all might have been fine had my plans for the evening stayed in tact rather than crumbling all over as well. and that's when it happened. it's sort of like that rush you get on a roller coaster, or, if you've ever been in one, a racecar about 1 second after the gas pedal is floored, only it's not exhilerating or fun. your thoughts race something like this: my mother is going to make me feel guilty because i can't do what i was supposed to do with her tomorrow since i have to wait for the comcast guy now i have tons of homework to finish and not enough time to finish it i have six chapters to read by monday night and i have to take a test i have to find somewhere to move to because i can't afford to stay where i'm at because i'm not working any overtime because i'm going to school but i can't find anywhere to move because apt. managers keep telling me that it's a horrid time to try to find something to rent and i'm doing it all by myself and the brakes are going bad on my car and i'm trying my best it's not that i'm being a victim or making things harder than they have to be it's just a lot of stuff all at the same time and i just want to smoke a ton of cigarettes. like that. if you're me, your mother calls at the exact moment that you're freaking out, unable to breathe, sort of forgetting where you are and the next half hour is spent spilling over into the phone, crying, while she tries to calm you down. somewhere during that conversation you're sort of brought back to earth by her offer to come over if you need her to which helps you realize exactly how much you're freaking out. also if you're me, because there's nothing else you can think of doing and something must be done, you go on a walking rampage around the neighborhood. you walk when it’s almost pitch black dark out even though you’re a little wary of the boogeyman (who in this case is male, has no face yet, is taller and stronger than you). you walk until the crazy leaves your eyes and you are out of the breath it would take to cry anymore...until the dog next to you has obviously had enough of walking. you walk until the adult takes over again. i need to slow down and take things one at a time...really. i need to do things like drink tea and schedule quiet time. if i don't, my mother will be right about yet another thing...that i won't be as successful as i want to be at all this.

are you fucking kidding me?

2006-09-21T20:35:00.000-07:00

having been pointed to this information is courtesy of one angry girl. Hooters Girls Give Thanks Quotes from the official Hooters Calendar, November 2000. • We are thankful we don’t understand anything Nietzche wrote. • We are thankful there are no Hooters guys. • We are thankful for every day we wake up without a chalk outline around our bodies. • We are thankful that wrinkles don’t hurt. only because i didn't really believe (and had to see for myself) that something like that would be advertised as normal and sane, i broke down and did it...i went to their website. it just got worse. and if you don't beleive me, i encourage you to see for yourself. i.e. (these are direct quotes): "Hooters is the only place you get 2 spectator sports for the price of 1." "The Hooters Calendar has come a long way since the beginning, improved in size and shape as well as in quality and content." "Some corporate slogans speak to improving the human condition...some speak to improving human relations...and then there's the Hooters restaurant chain. which cheerfully admits to no higher calling than lowbrow pleasure: 'Delightfully tacky, yet unrefined' (Fortune 100: September 1, 2003: linked to Hooters website). "If you piled up the 15,000 current Hooters girls...well, they'd really be stacked" (Fortune: 2003). nice to see fortune magazine really rising to the occasion by bringing out all the suggestive little quips they can come up with. nice to see a restaurant so proud of the trashy agenda they're selling (yes, it obviously sells well and i'm not denying that...deathly important to note, though, that the reason why it sells is obviously a much larger social issue). maybe it was latent rage caused by a half an hour wait at the post office earlier in the evening only to be told that they can't find the parcel they notified me about and had me drive up there for (we won't dwell on the fact that the "parcel" is probably the text book that i'm supposed to have read 6 chapters out of by monday-nor will we dwell on the fact that i almost burst into tears in the middle of the post office after being told that). could be the fact that for some reason when i got home, i started having to fight the urge to go buy a pack of cigarettes in order to smoke each and every one in it. whatever it was, when i read the above mentioned quotes i began to feel a little violent. as if it's not bad enough that they have to allow the women to appear "dumbed down" so that it will sell better...fortune 100 magazine takes it as an opportunity to sound "fun" and "hip" by turning the article into a adolescent's wet dream. this is how far we've come.

how my day went bad

2006-09-20T18:32:00.000-07:00

it started off okay-got up early-got to work early-got enough sleep. i'd only had one cigarette since monday evening and still felt okay this morning. pretty good day. but then (in no particular order)... **i tried to fix the fact that my outlook doesn't auto-correct when i'm emailing at work...spent a good 45 minutes on it (as i have a tendency to fixate now that i'm trying to quit smoking) and still didn't get anywhere. no one could even help me that was sitting around me. i realize it is irrational but all that kept running through my head was you are old and you don't get technology anymore. **i realized that my lease is up in november...meaning i have to be out before november 1st. !!why did i think i had the entire month!! my landlord was nice enough to offer to extend my lease until february but that means trying to make it through the holidays while going to school, hardly working any overtime and paying bills for a home instead of an apt. right. **out of curiosity i did a quick search in seattle and all the surrounding areas that i would be okay living in. i. found. nothing. i mean nothing. plenty of places in ever-rot and kent and des moines and lynnwood. everywhere that i don't want to be. i had missed you for a couple of days stress...welcome back. **i have been sort of sad ever since i got back from vacation...couldn't figure out what it was because i went away and had a good time and got to spend an extended amount of time with j. then finally it hit me last night. when i am at home, i wake up alone, i go to sleep alone, i eat alone, i walk my dog alone, i come home to be alone during the week. i am tired of it. i am in a relationship, and so it's almost laughable to me that i feel the loneliest right now than i have ever felt in my life. it is possible to miss someone too much...you can miss them so much, having missed them for so long, that you miss them even when you're around them which is actually how i felt some of the time this past weekend. you can miss them so much that every single tentative plan to spend time together (because plans can never really a sure thing anymore) that doesn't work out starts to feel absolutely heartbreaking. i was told it isn't possible to miss someone too much...it is.

why i would not go to a strip club

2006-09-19T19:30:00.000-07:00

this past weekend my friend's fiance' talked about how she wanted to do her bachelorette party. she started out by saying that she planned to do a coed thing in vegas a couple of weeks before their wedding which i can personally relate to thinking is great. i myself never understood why, if a man is so happy to be get married or be in love with someone in the first place, they have to buy into the ancient tradition of showing that happiness by complaining through 10 shots of alchohol about how freedom is over while leering at naked women (and being pressured to do god knows what else because heaven forbid anyone say 'no' in a group of drunk men-the kind of men that support strip clubs-and risk being seen as a coward). sidenote-i was accused by a "friend" once of having adverse feelings towards this tradition as a result of being "insecure" or "controlling" (funny...the same male friend that accused me of this is the same one that recently freaked out on me in the midst of their own insecurities). this isn't the case at all. when someone can explain to me in a reasonable fashion why, if i were in this situation, and the same man that i probably dated for a few years prior to that wedding didn't ever come to me to discuss their desire to hang out in strip clubs, but all of a sudden has to on the eve of what is supposed to be our happy thing we're doing because that one a-hole friend insists on it...maybe then i can accept it. until then, i don't agree with nor do i respect men using something that is supposed to celebrate togetherness and blah-blah-blah as an excuse to be a pig. it certainly wasn't women that thought up that tradition-male strip clubs weren't even around until the 70's. shortly after this discussion about what is to transpire for their bachelor/ette thing we started talking about what we were going to do that day (it was actually the day we were leaving and we had a few hours to kill). my friend colin says, we could head to a strip club. i realize he's not serious because he knows i wouldn't go. i give him the look anyway. then, of course, what gets discussed for a few minutes is why i wouldn't go. really? that's an odd thing? my friend's fiance' says, you wouldn't go even if we went for my wedding party? i shake my head no, thinking no, sweetheart, i wouldn't even go if another woman thought it was acceptable. here's the thing. if a woman thinks that's an okay profession for herself, than more power to her. on my list of things that get respect, a woman's choice to do what she wants with her own body and mind is pretty high up there. i can respect it, but i don't have to support it. that's the difference. nor do i have to pretend to be okay with something just because so many other people are (or because so many people that i'm in a group with look at me strangely when i share how i feel as if i'm the freak). because what i don't respect is a practice dating back to Mesopotamia that so boldly sends the message that women were put on this earth only for men's pleasure (see above where it states that men's strip clubs weren't even around until the 70's). i don't support a society that says this is an okay thing to do to women...that says it so much, yet so subtly, in fact, that so many women agree with it too. if women had thought this whole thing up-i might feel differently, because there's nothing at all wrong with women's bodies. what's wrong, is so many men that are allowed to feel as if, even for a little while, some dollar bills give them ownership over those bodies. i will stress it again; i don't respect another woman any less if that's what she feels is okay to do with herself. but i have to say that if i have children and i raise a daughter that comes to me someday and tells me that she is stripping for a living...i would seriously wonder and agonize over, what i did wrong with her.

something wonderful happened today

2006-09-19T08:34:00.000-07:00

before i even started work. before it had even hit 8am. it almost made me cry. Grades for Week One PSY 493: Postings I & II (14 total//7 pts each): 14 points total for this week’s postings Written Assignment (13): 13 Comments: Good Job i have an A so far. in the online class where you don't get to discuss assignments in class so that you understand every single angle of what is expected of you. in the online class where i really felt for the first two weeks that i didn't understand any of our assignments and was just writing about nothing that would be all wrong. the fear is turning into confidence. what a beautiful way to start the day that i am at work after being on a vacation.

it's not true until you say it

2006-09-14T12:14:00.000-07:00

no matter how many times you might say it to yourself, thinking it up and re-thinking it in a proud way because it sounds so healthy to you, it's not true until you say it out loud so that someone else, even if it's just you, can hear it. i will no longer be the only one to take responsibility for this. i have done it for too long and i won't do it from this point on. i didn't realize how freeing it would be to hear myself say it. it's no longer up to only me. i no longer have to carry all the weight on my shoulders after giving some of it away. and yeah...just like that it's not upsetting anymore. it's that simple. choices usually are that simple...it's the person that is making the choice that makes it harder than it really needs to be. assignments are all done, bills are taken care of, loose ends are tied and my heart is no longer heavy with the task of being the only one wanting to make sure that everything is okay; now i can actually have fun in reno this weekend.

why does europe laugh at us again?

2006-09-13T10:53:00.000-07:00

oh, yeah...i almost forgot. if you've forgotten, please see the above linked article. even more worthy of commentary is what some of the general public have to say about it in an open forum: http://starbucksgossip.typepad.com/_/2006/09/principal_tells.html#comments. case and point...this is what one post had to say: "And everyone who has said that the principal shouldn't do that, either doesn't have kids, doesn't have boys, or just do not care about their kids." (i won't even go into the embarrassing misuse of the english language...too easy) really? seriously??? i have problems with this on so many levels. to begin with this is what is apparently so down and out dirty: mermaids are a mythical creature-those aren't even a real person's breasts that the drawing is representing. the following words are not ones i would choose when describing or referring to women's bodies or sex: dirty, shameful, bad, frightening, embarrassing, disgusting, perverted. yet this is precisely the prevailing legacy we give many of our children without even having to say those words. this is what we teach a lot of our little girls for example, and then we send them out into the world expecting them to make successful choices regarding their sexuality and self-esteem. they actually get told in their teens that they are supposed to value themselves, have self-esteem and respect themselves. how incredibly confusing for an adolescent that grew up with so many messages that their body is dirty and wrong (don't even get me started on the "hygiene" products that women should supposedly be using that are shoved in our faces during every other t.v. commercial) and that sex is bad and shameful. and still, we are "shocked" at how many end up pregnant in their teens, suffering from STDs by the time they're 20 or even in abusive relationships. yes, there are definitely many other factors that play into all that; but no one will ever convince me that America's attitude towards sexuality and women's bodies don't have a lot to do with it. not to mention the fact that after navigating the mess of adolescence many of us then get to struggle as women with whether or not it's okay to acknowledge our sexuality. besides...kent is a pit anyway; i would think they have bigger problems to tackle in their public schools than a mermaid printed on the side of a freaking coffee cup.

the other half

2006-09-12T12:42:00.000-07:00

"The widely criticized Hudood Ordinance law, based on Islamic tenets, requires a woman who claims she's been raped to produce four witnesses. Religious political parties had fiercely criticized an amendment bill that would have dropped the requirement as un-Islamic." four witnesses. four witnesses and if the accused man is found not guilty the woman can be convicted of "adultery" and put to death. how often would you think that there are four witnesses to something like this? but, that has changed. absent of four witnesses there is a second option now to file under the penal code. this is being celebrated as a major victory by it's supporters...and i realize that it is. they should be celebrating; heaven only knows how hard it was to even change that one single thing. i know that we're "supposed to" respect and accept all other religions and beliefs and diverse cultures. this has been drilled into my brain since as far back as i can remember-by the time i hit college it became a drilling overload. especially at a very "p.c." community college in a very "p.c." seattle. regardless of how un-p.c. this will sound, i don't believe that anymore. the day that someone can come up with a compelling enough argument to make me respect a religion that justifies treating women like dogs, then i will go back to subscribing to the notion that i should respect and accept "all" other religions/beliefs/etc. what's that expression again? something about hell freezing over i think. p.s. the title up top is actually the link to the article. could be just me, but it took me a minute to figure that out. :)

advance one space for making a friend...lose one turn for being unprepared

2006-09-11T23:02:00.000-07:00

despite the fact that i was aware that it would be a 15 hour day i was totally excited to attend my first actual live class on campus this evening. i had a notebook, i arrived early and i had even remembered to pick up a sandwich so that i wasn't passing out by 8pm. only problem was that i didn't know where to go-i had studied every single character and/or number on my class detail and nowhere did it provide me with a room number or anything. luckily i ran into the director of my program on the way in, who kindly offered to show me where to go. i must have had that deer in the headlights look because i didn't even have to ask for the help. on the way up (in one of the slowest elevators still in operation on this planet) i find out why i didn't know where to go. apparently there is some type of email i'm supposed to be getting on fridays and in one of them was the classroom assignments. i do not get these emails. awesome. i arrived at class early and in my excitement began immediately chatting with the girl i happened to sit next to. oddly enough it turns out she works right across the street from me. i'd made a friend right away. neat. only when the chatting calmed down a bit did i start to look around and notice something alarming. books. textbook books in front of a smattering of people that appeared to be attached to this class. no, it's not odd to see textbooks in a class at school...i get that. the fact that i had no clue beforehand what book to get but they did was a little odd. i inquired about this to my new friend. she said something about a booklist that i only half heard because i was already starting to panic a little (just a little). sorry...booklist? something else i don't get? what is this booklist you speak of and where, pray tell, does it hail from? my new friend efficiently helped to solve the dilemma by telling me how to get my paws on one (amazon). awesome. the remainder of the class went great, with the exception of the briefest of moments on a break when despite my best efforts the vending machine laughed at me by refusing to take my money when all i really wanted was a lemonade to make me feel better about the fact that i had become overwhelmed all over again after going over the syllabus. had i been alone in the student lounge, that vending machine would have broken me down into tears. all i wanted was a lemonade...i really didn't think it was too much to ask for. thankfully i was not alone, and had the presence of mind to not be that girl that has to cry over something stupid and make everyone in the room feel ridiculously awkward. eventually, i calmed down about the overwhelmingness of it all and found my comfy spot in that class. it's essentially about therapeutic styles and counseling techniques...we had a rousing discussion of ethics in counseling as well. sweet. i know this...i've been there and done this stuff. although, i never did find out where to get that flippin' phantom booklist.

i want to poke my eyes out

2006-09-09T20:23:00.000-07:00

i'm not kidding. i've written four papers today. four. i have been doing this since 10:30am...it's now 8pm. WTF!? oh...wait...i'm not even done. i still have one more left that since i can't possibly form any more intelligent sentences for today, i have to do tomorrow. no, it's not going to be like this every week...at least i don't think so, of course i haven't even been to my other class yet to see how much will be piled on. since i'll be gone for four days next week having fun, i must be punished during the entirety of this weekend. my eyes are a little swirly, i'm not quite sure that i'll be capable of speaking to another human the rest of the evening and i'm a little afraid to venture outside. i would have preferred a nice flogging in place of how my day was spent today.

irony

2006-09-07T20:36:00.000-07:00

so, i know the way i'm going to use it is not the actual definition of the word-however, it is the popular accepted way to use it, so whatever. it is ironic, i think, that the exact entity that helped create the problems that one may be dealing with in relationships, is the same entity that often helps to ease the emotions caused by those problems. i.e. i can call my mom, not even mention a peep of whatever may be going on with me at the moment, and i will still end up feeling better at the end of the conversation than i did at the start of it. odd-that the family that never listened to me when i was younger (which tends to make one feel as if they really don't matter at all), so that i would grow up to be challenged and hurt in relationships when i feel as if i am not listened to-would make it all feel better. it's going to be fairly interesting from here on out because, somehow, i think the added stress is bringing, like, all my issues to a head. apparently this is when it gets exciting.

lem's panic

2006-09-07T13:15:00.000-07:00

a while back i planned a BBQ at my house. prior to the event my best friend piglet dutifully marked the day on her calender so she would be there. unfortunately i had to reschedule it for a later weekend so she crossed it off and put it on the appropriate weekend instead. her fiance' was looking at this calendar one day and on the day that had been crossed out mistakenly read it through the pen lines as "lem's panic". we found it fascinatingly hilarious that he would assume even for a moment that "lem's panic" would be something she might schedule. it's been added to the cache of personal jokes we have together that no one else would really understand or probably even think funny if it were explained to them. well...lem really IS panicking now. it has hit me smack in the face (ouch), how much work i will be doing when i'm in school. juggling everything-work, school, j, friends, family, bills, sadie. today i have been overwhelmed at the thought of this. and i don't say this to take away from the fact that i'm happy that i'm doing this because underneath the panic is a wealth of excitement still. i think i just neglected to mentally prepare myself for this, and it has snuck up on me. i believe i may have had to swallow my heart back down where it belongs at least 20 times so far because the anxiety is a little much. for a wild second, i thought of dropping a class to make it easier (i think for even a milli-second i doubted whether this is what i really wanted to do-though i hate to admit it). i've forced my brain to tell itself at least a hundred times today this is nothing, you're capable of this and much more. a friend at work, having seen what must be a crazed look in my eye every now and then, has said the same-she's doing the same thing, school and work all full time (thank you). certainly, don't get me wrong or confuse my words-i so want to be in this position. i am not going to quit-i am not going to chicken out and try to avoid the hard stuff. i'm going to attack it like i've attacked nothing else in my life so far. i just realized that it will take me a while to find my comfy spot in all this, is all-that comfy spot where the anxiety and doubt changes back to strength and confidence. and i will keep reminding myself that i can't be afraid to ask for help (a weakness of mine)-because that will get me to the cozy spot a little more efficiently.

truth

2006-09-06T16:31:00.000-07:00

i so wish that i had the ability to sum up what really bothers me about this with the eloquence that this guy did... found this here: http://realmenarenot.com/blog1/?cat=12 By Robert JensenFeb 1, 2006 Pornography’s business has always been the exposure of women’s bodies for the pleasure of men, and that was readily evident at the annual Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas last month. But also exposed at the sex-industry gathering was the paradox of the pornography business at this particular moment: At the same time that the pornography industry and its products are more normalized than ever in the United States, the images they produce are more brutal and degrading toward women than ever. How can it be that a once-underground industry that lived at the margins of society has become mainstream, at precisely the same time that its sexual cruelty toward women is most pronounced? The resolution of the paradox offers disturbing insights not just into the sexual ethics and gender politics of the United States, but into the underlying values of the entire society. The AEE — which attracted 350 exhibitors to the Sands Expo Center, one of Las Vegas’ major convention facilities — is part industry-insider gathering and part public spectacle. About 18,000 fans, the vast majority of them men, paid $40 a day to wait in long lines to pick up autographs from their favorite women in pornography and be photographed next to them. While fans indulged their fantasies, pornography producers focused on deal-making, often sounding as if their business were no different than selling shoes. In seminars, industry experts talked about improving marketing and retailing practices to expand market share and increase profits On the convention floor, most everyone would have agreed with Paul Fishbein, president of Adult Video News, the trade magazine that sponsors the event: “[T]he industry is ready to serve the needs of adult retailers, as well as consumers that seek to celebrate their sexuality.” And “celebrate” they do, with no questions asked. In Las Vegas, no one was discussing the social implications of the commodification of sexuality and intimacy in the 13,000 new pornographic videos and DVDs released in 2005. Questions about the effects of sexualizing male dominance in a $12-billion a year business were not on the table. This was a venue for self-indulgence, not self-reflection. Pornography — though still resisted by some, from either a conservative/religious position or, on very different grounds, from a feminist point of view — has become just one more form of mass entertainment in a culture obsessively dedicated to the pleasure-without-thought-about-the-consequences principle. Not everyone likes it, but few see it as worth debating. But the paradox remains: At the same time that it is more accepted, pornography’s content is becoming steadily more extreme. In the “gonzo” style (those films with no plot or characters, just straightforward sex on tape) that dominates the market, directors continue to push the edge, filming increasingly rougher sexual practices involving multiple penetrations of women by two or three men at a time, or oral sex designed to make a woman gag, while the language used to insult women during sex grows harsher. Since legal controls on pornography began loosening in the 1970s, pornographers have pushed the limits of sexualizing the denigration of women. Though the pornography industry loves to talk about growing sales to women and the so-called “couples market,” men are still the vast majority of pornography consumers in the United States. Producers and distributors I interviewed at the convention all estimated their clientele was 80 to 90 percent men. What do these men want to watch? It turns out they like viewing sexual acts that the majority of women do not want to perform in their lives. While there is no survey data about women’s preferences regarding multiple penetrations or gag-inducing sex, informal investigation suggests such things are not common in the day-to-day lives of most people and not sought after by most women. So, how can we explain the paradox? People typically do not openly endorse cruelty or the degradation of women. Yet just as those features of pornography are more extensive and intense than ever, graphic sexually explicit material is more widely accepted than ever. How can a culture embrace images that violate its stated values? Wouldn’t a society that purports to be civilized reject sexual material that becomes evermore dismissive of the humanity of women? There are two potential explanations. First, because of the way pornography works, most of the consumers don’t see the material as being saturated with cruelty or degradation; the sexual pleasure that pornography produces tends to derail critical viewing and thinking. When consumers are focused on the pleasure, the politics drop out of view. So, when fans I interviewed said they didn’t think the material they watched embodied male domination and female subordination, they likely were being honest. They don’t see it, because they are too absorbed in feeling the sexual pleasure to be thinking about such issues. But some men are quite clear about the gender politics in pornography, and they like it. Most of the advertising for the gonzo style highlights the subordination of women — one company brags it is in the business of “degrading whores for your viewing pleasure” — which suggests that’s exactly what some men are looking for. The second explanation is a painful reminder that, in fact, the United States is a nation that has no serious objection to cruelty and degradation. After all, there was no sustained, collective outrage over the revelations of systematic torture by U.S. military forces, epitomized by the photos from Abu Ghraib in Iraq. One prominent right-wing commentator compared it favorably to fraternity hazing rituals, which is not entirely misguided — fraternity hazing is routinely cruel and degrading, albeit at a much lower level. The United States is a society that uses brutal levels of military force, including the illegal targeting of civilian infrastructure (such as in the 1991 Gulf War, when power, sewage, and water facilities were targeted) and the routine use of weapons that military officials know kill large numbers of civilians (such as cluster bombs that continue to kill long after the conflict is over, as unexploded bombs detonate for years). The culture celebrates this as evidence of our benevolence as we “liberate” other countries. The United States is a society that locks up more than 2 million people, a higher percentage of its population than any other country, disproportionately non-white. The everyday conditions under which many of those human beings are kept in this prison-industrial complex are so harsh and degrading that leading human-rights groups condemn U.S. prison practices. The culture celebrates this as evidence of the superiority of our system of “justice.” And the United States is a society that has built thousands of glittering temples to unsustainable levels of consumption — called shopping malls — in this wealthiest nation in history, while nearly half the world’s people live on less than $2 a day. The culture celebrates this state of affairs as the wondrous workings of the magical market. So, there is no paradox in the mainstreaming of an intensely cruel pornography; pornographers aren’t a deviation from the norm. Their presence in the mainstream shouldn’t be surprising, because they represent mainstream values: The logic of domination and subordination that is central to patriarchy, nationalism, racism, and capitalism. What pornography says about sexuality, intimacy, and gender politics in the contemporary United States is frightening. What it says about our entire society is even more disturbing. Robert Jensen is a journalism professor at the University of Texas at Austin and a member of the board of the Third Coast Activist Resource Center, http://thirdcoastactivist.org/. He is the author of The Heart of Whiteness: Race, Racism, and White Privilege and Citizens of the Empire: The Struggle to Claim Our Humanity (both from City Lights Books). He can be reached at rjensen@uts.cc.utexas.edu. original article: http://www.opednews.com/articles/opedne_robert_j_060201_the_paradox_of_porno.htm

if you are under the impression that sexual harassment against women isn't such a big deal anymore because it's the year 2006

2006-09-06T13:43:00.000-07:00

please rethink that assumption. cause, yah, it is the year 2006...it shouldn't be happening anymore. taking a personal day to get mentally ready for my first class tonight (i think it's statistics...ugh). i finished my first assignment for my online class!!! granted it was a no word limit autobiography about me, but i still completed my first assignment. took a break for a moment and found myself at one of the coolest websites i've ever seen. please see the following...http://www.hollabacknyc.blogspot.com/. checked around on their links to find that there actually is one for seattle...http://hollabackseattle.wordpress.com/. thank you to whoever runs that. i don't personally know you, but i love you. (for those who might assume that it's a bunch of "femi-nazis" spouting off on the web, there are men involved in running these sites as well.) do me a favor, play around for a bit & read some of those stories. yah...it may seem like not a very big deal if some a-hole on the street yells out hey sexy, or whatever they think is "cute" to say at the time. i mean, hey, they're not touching anyone...they're not raping anyone, right? try being the girl in that situation, though...especially if it's a bunch of guys in a group and you have no idea whatsoever what they might do. it's true-it's not about sex...it's about power. it happened to me the other day on my way into mad's to take care of my cats. right on 85th during rush hour freaking traffic. the likelihood that anything dangerous was going to happen to me was admittedly low...it's still scary when there are 4 males that you don't know yelling at you and you're not quite sure what they might do if it happens to offend them that you're ignoring them. not to mention the day that i was minding my own business trying to walk home from the bus and some freak made a point to run around the block again to pass by slowly and stare. thankfully it was 95 degrees that day and i was irritated enough to give him the finger. thinking back on it now i should have gotten his license and got on the phone right then to report him so he could see that i was doing it. next time i will. i was in my own neighborhood for christ's sake...women should be able to walk around in their own neighborhood without having to worry that some asshole might follow them. of course, it doesn't help us out much when men's magazines simply encourage it. please note the following: http://realmenarenot.com/blog1/?p=298. women are to be "invaded"? fuck you MAXIM is right.

's' stands for sweeet

2006-09-01T09:19:00.000-07:00

it also stands for school. it stands for the school that moved locations without telling me. i found this out yesterday when i went to my orientation. of course, i could have realized this had i looked more closely at all the forms that have been faxed back and forth for the past few weeks...but, oh well. thankfully billy bean was still at work and kindly helped me when i called to ask for computer assisted directions. i arrive to find that they have moved down by the waterfront (!), next to the old spaghetti factory. perfect. it isn't until i enter the building and see the 'newness' of the facilities, desks, etc. that i begin to feel, not excited...but intimidated. just for the briefest of moments. it's been a long time since i sat in classes, and when i last did so, it didn't feel this serious. i wasn't facing a huge student loan with my name on it. i felt young enough to where if what i had been doing didn't work out, i could always just change classes and do something different. it was community college after all. this place has 'university' in the title. things are serious here. i choose to push the intimidation aside by reminding myself that my potential and my awareness that i am meant be in this field are my badges showing that i belong here. i check myself in and am led to the room for orientation-i am one of only a handful of people in the room because i have arrived wildly early. the room is filled with those half-assed desks with tables that one can move up or down...you know, the ones you were probably forced to use in high school where the tables attached were so useless that if you were like me and never threw anything away (especially not the triangle-folded notes from friends) and had a huge notebook, it would continually slide off the table? those desks. i sit down at one of them and because the room is so empty it feels strange and lonely. sitting there, i notice that i feel sort of like i did in high school as well...strange and lonely. fascinating. someone looking official comes into the room to see if the handful of us there already would like to go get our student ID's. this is the moment that the pure, raw excitement comes back that i've been feeling for the past few weeks. i want that student ID. it will say 'student' with my name on it, and will be complete with a really bad picture that i will wish for the entirety of my time here that i can take over again. it's the tangible badge that says i belong here. of course, my student number is not on the sheet, and so i am told i must wait. as it nears 6pm the room begins to fill up with people of various ages and from various histories. complete with their presence the room starts to feel more cozy...after all, most of them are psychology students from one degree or another, and psychology people are always a little more cozy than the average person. i meet the director of my program, and the registration guy, whom i have been communicating with via email and fax for weeks...it's nice to know what they look like, that they are actual people and not just a voice on the phone. they remember me, and they welcome me with a warmth that is rare of school officials based on my previous experiences. i am used to dealing with the embittered registration assistant that when you ask them for help stares at you as if you might be their next meal. people are nice here. i sit through orientation and they talk about general stuff...library stuff, resources available, financial aid stuff, student govt. stuff. it's run of the mill school talk but the entire time i am exhilerated to be hearing it. i hang on every word they are saying. it's then that i notice something i hadn't noticed before. i can breathe here. my first comm. college experience started at shoreline comm. it was horrid. half my graduating high school class started there as well...it was a bunch of suburban kids and the breakdown of diversity went something like this: 5% Other 40% Asian American 55% Caucasian horribly boring. yes i actually was pysically breathing the entire time i was there, but the only way i can describe it, is that i felt like i couldn't. so, when i walked into the next school i went to, seattle comm. on capitol hill, that's what i was looking for. and the minute i stepped in, i could breathe. that's how i knew that i should be there. i am surprised that i didn't notice it before. it's then that the pure, uncontrollable excitement turns to a fuzzy and warm calm. and i think to myself, i am supposed to be here. i belong here. i'm going to do better than i ever thought myself capable of here. when it is time to go, i am able to get my student ID. and i adore it the entire way home...even though i happened to be wearing pigtails that day and they will be stuck with me in that picture for eternity.

true friends vs. "male friends"

2006-08-31T09:23:00.000-07:00

let me begin by giving proper credit to those it is due to. you'll see why in a moment. colin-you are one of the only close male friends i have/have had who has never engaged in the following: 1. getting weird/dramatic/mental on me 2. over-stepping boundaries at this moment in time i appreciate that more than you know. billy bean & favorite-although we are not really close friends, i can say the same about you. and i thank you for that. i never once dreamed that i would say what i am about to say-most of my life i have subscribed to the ideal that 'relationships are what people make them'. this is true for the most part. however... in general (this is my disclaimer so that i am not accused of making a blanket statement), i don't feel that most heterosexual men and women can be 'just friends' and have it work out successfully. this is not to include: work friends, organization/club friends, friend's ex's (since they are off limits for romance anyway) and acquaintances (friends of friends). of course, this is simply how i feel-and maybe you could chalk it up to some of the particular friends i've chosen (i.e. chosen badly). it's how i feel nonetheless. and again, of course, i don't feel that all men/women friend relationships are subject to this. for the most part, most of the male friends i've tried to have, have at some point gone weird. for example, there was the friend that felt as if in our relationship, it was acceptable to act in a controlling manner. when i pointed out how i felt, he stormed out of the chosen venue for said talk without a word and i never heard from him again. obviously, in light of such a display of defensiveness, my feelings were correct. another example. i think at some point, some male friends, realizing that they'll never have more of you than 'just a friend' find an excuse or create a situation to end the "friendship". usually, it's a ridiculous situation that at the very least, provides comedy for other friends who get to share in it. many times, there is a lesson packed in there somewhere. however, sometimes, even though humor can be found in the situation...it hurts a little. regardless of how ridiculous their reasoning for doing so is, when someone that used to call themselves a friend attacks you personally, it's going to get you where it counts (which is, of course, the reason people do that). i am also taking the following out of a recent situation: =true friends do not hide the fact that something offended them for an eternity...they are direct with you & share this with you at the time-& then you both move on. if something offended them but they choose to look past it, they never share it with you. they definitely do not pretend that everything is great for a while only to send a scathing email attacking your entire person. (can we say, passive-aggressive at its finest?) =true friends can have a differing view on something than you and agree to disagree without personalizing it. =true friends do not take their personal issues out on you. =true friends are there when they are needed. when you say you need them, their response is usually something like, i'll be there, with no hesitation. they will sit with you for a while and let you cry without even asking questions...without even knowing what's wrong. they will sometimes hug you while you do this. they will do you the kindness of telling you the truth, all the while being careful to spare your feelings while they tell you their truth. when the time is right, they might tell you a joke to make you smile. (thank you, j, that i get to take this away from the situation as well.) i am so fortunate, to have so many of that last kind of friend. and if you know you're that kind of person to me...please know that i appreciate you more than words could really express.

loaded question

2006-08-29T19:30:00.000-07:00

lunch with my dad today at taco del mar (awesome). in the spirit of common courtesy i start explaining to him why i'm so tired because when i'm as tired as i was today i resemble roadkill. i explain that i woke up at 3:30, couldn't sleep and decided to go into work...arriving at 4:30 (apparently, i've gone mad). "what are you worried about?" he says, immediately. i take a minute to think this over. i don't quite get it. i wonder if maybe during the explanation of why i'm so tired i mentioned being worried about something only to have forgotten about it in the millisecond it took him to jump in. he explains that whenever he can't sleep it's usually because he's worried about something. ooohhh...i get it now. i think on what i might be worried about. um...i don't know...EVERYTHING maybe? maybe i'm worried about the $19,000 i just signed away in order to further my education. maybe i'm worried that despite enough palpable enthusiasm to kill a small cat, i'm worried that i'll fail miserably. maybe i'm worried about the fact that everytime i bring up school to either parent, all they can do is worry me more about the money issue rather than just reiterating how excited they are for me and then promptly shutting up about it. maybe i'm worried that every single relationship that i've had thus far will turn out to be a failure. maybe i'm worried about my mom. maybe i'm worried about everything, daddy and it would be great if you could give me a hug and tell me it will all be okay. never include the word 'worry' in an open-ended sentence that is directed at me. especially if you value your immediate emotional health. appt. with dr. today too to discuss quitting smoking. after discussing a few options (of which, the patch & nicotine gum were not included as i grimaced when they were even brought up) we decided to put me on welbutrin/zyban/whatever they want to call it to market it to someone else for the next issue it helps with. the deciding factor? what insurance would and/or would not assist with which isn't even somethat that had really crossed my mind. bless him, it had crossed his. "well, since you have a history of depression, i can write the rx for that and insurance will help...if i write it for smoking cessation you're on your own," he says. great. crazy comes in handy apparently...so, thank you self. and thank you aetna for being concerned about my motivation to improve my respiratory health. hello drugs. i had missed you a bit. despite having gone through hell to get off of them a few months ago, here we meet again. it's really fine though. if this helps me quit, then so be it. people who care will support whatever i'm doing in order to quit smoking. those who don't can jump off a cliff. anyway-as my dr. pointed out today, maybe it's a good thing i'm choosing to do this now. it is recommended to stay on the meds for at least three months after quitting smoking...by that time it will be november, the beginning of the 'gray' season. so, if i find that i'm gray as well then, hey, i'm already taking care of that other issue. not to mention, that i was starting to worry what 5,000 lbs. of school related stress was going to do to my health. so, pass me the drugs please and spare any judgment that might sneak its way in as a cleverly disguised side dish.

you know who you are

2006-08-28T19:45:00.000-07:00

my p.: i read your email this morning that was in response to my reach out for advice. it hit me in the gut a little...but in a good way. to this day i don't know how you do it but somehow, you have a way with me-you spin those difficult things that friends are supposed to tell you (that can often really hurt no matter how necessary they are) into pure silk, so that the truth doesn't hurt as much. since the day i met you, you have done this for me. once upon a time during the most unhealthy situation in my life, you were the only person that i could hear the truth from. the depth with which you care about and love me, makes me cry a little...but in a good way.

a cozy place to hide

2006-08-20T09:13:00.000-07:00

points of interest: >i cannot enjoy clubs in seattle anymore, at least not the way i used to enjoy them in younger years. a piano bar is gobs of fun, and i actually had fun for a while last night watching them play & hanging out with piglet. thing is-it was down near pioneer square, and apparently is THE place to have your bachelorette party/going away party/birthday party. by the time i had gotten my fill and was ready to go it was packed. packed like there was a half hour wait to get your tab kind of packed. i have noticed that in my late 20s i have developed a nasty habit of wanting to just go when i'm ready to go. i don't want to wait. i don't want to chat for a few more minutes. i don't want to share one last cigarette with anyone. maybe, if i was still enjoying them the way i used to, which was getting blitzed, it would be less painful because when i was ready to go it wouldn't bother me that it took an hour to get out of somewhere. sadly, i have grown out of that phase. >it's time to seriously re-evaluate every single relationship in my life. it's time to stop giving more than i'm getting from people. >i have had a sad weekend-and when i was taking that first sip of my latte this morning, i realized that i have quite forgotten to eat all weekend. really. i wasn't trying not to eat. and that's sad because as a result i'm quite irritable right now. i suspect that the whole 'i need to be on meds' thing is coming up again-i'm no longer just allowing things to roll off, i'm personalizing it all and it's making me sort of sick. >i made it to work today in 10 minutes...seriously. from northgate to south of the dome. 10 minutes. very scary. (it became even more scary when i actually got down here and just about got out of my car to punch out the football a-holes that felt the need to come down here at 8:00 jamming up traffic with their thick heads). >recently reconnected with an old friend that i had lost touch with a few years back. she is currently living in richmond which is south of here somehwere. in an email that i read this morning from her she invited me to come down if i wanted to some weekend to have a visit. it was all i could do to refrain from clocking out at work, going home to pack my bag and calling in sick for a few days in order to see my friend that i miss and hang out somewhere cozy. because i'm not feeling a whole lot of coziness around here lately. quite the opposite actually.

much obliged-really

2006-08-18T15:12:00.000-07:00

one might ask what could possibly take the excitement out of the following sentence: "congratulations! it is my pleasure to inform you that you have been accepted as a matriculating student for fall 2006 in the bachelor of arts program at..." one word: parents. this is sort of how the conversation went with my dad-because i was so excited the day i found out that i made the mistake of calling him at work. dad: "hello!" (bolding is supposed to convey through text the particular type of highly agitated tone he started off the conversation with-enough agitation to cut through metal). me: "um, hi dad...you sound sort of busy, so if it's better to talk later, you can call me back." dad: "no-go ahead. what is it? what do you need?" me: "um, i got accepted to school! i found out today." i didn't actually need anything, is what i wanted to say, but didn't. dad: in a distracted manner, almost as if he hadn't even heard what i sad, "good...good." pause me: "well, that's really all i was calling to say..." dad: "yah-it's pretty busy here-i'll have to call you later." great. i haven't even bothered telling my mom yet because i just can't handle another conversation like that when i was so f'ing excited about something. how do i know it won't go much better? that's easy-when i told her that i was finally ready to apply and start doing this i got nothing positive in return. please see the following examples: "well, how on earth do you expect to pay for that?" "a loan?!?" "well, i wish i was still young and could just expect everything to work out the way i wanted it to" thanks. at some point i will be angry for the lack of positive response that i deserved from them for something that is important to me. up until now, it just sort of hurts so what that maybe i'm not doing this on everyone else's timelines and maybe it seems anti-climatic that i'm 28 and not 20. what fool was it in the first place that ever said we were supposed to go to college right out of high school when we have no idea who we are? so what that i'm not announcing what they really want to hear when i am at this age and they are at that age ("i'm getting married" or "i'm having a baby" is what they want to hear at this point for those that couldn't guess that). if it's important to me, that should be enough. but that's the beauty of family-there's no changing them. i can tell them until i'm pink in the face how much it bothers me when they still treat me like i'm in the way, or as if what i have to say is not important even though i'm almost 30 (go figure-this is why i get so crazy when i feel this way with my boyfriends). it won't matter though, because i can't change them and i can't change all the times that they didn't listen on prior occasions. i know all this, and it still really makes no sense. this is what they wanted me to do or to have done. so now that i'm finally doing it it's absolutely insane to me that they can't even pretend like it's somewhat of a good thing. put that on top of other issues and the fact that i've been in solitude from the outside world for the past week, and that makes for one pretty anxious/irritated/sad kelly. this is okay though...soon it will turn into anger and i can pile it on top of all the other anger that i've saved up for a rainy day.

what DO you do with a drunken pirate?

2006-08-15T16:06:00.000-07:00

there's many things you can do actually-there's an entire song about it, that i sang too many times this weekend (thank you gig harbor renaissance faire). personally if i was the drunken pirate my choice would be being strung up the mast of the ____ (insert any pirate ship name here). trust me...it's way better than any other option (being put in the bilge and made to drink it? ummm...ew!?). **thank you colin, for the flowers. you are one of my best friends and i'm more glad than you know that we've kept each other around for 10 years.

**argosy university, today you allowed me to feel as if i'm not wasting my life away in a customer care center by accepting me into your psychology program. if it were possible to hug a school, i would have hugged you all day today. **by the time i boarded the ferry for west seattle on sunday morning, i was just about pirated out (not to mention in bad need of a shower) but the renaissance faire was so fun and it was nice to spend some time with my mom & greg. the hours and hours that my mom and i spent making a dress paid off because i was cute: as was everyone else:

we got to be the entertainment as our group was sort of 'under' another group as performers, so we sang songs on stage and shot off cannons to start everything off. absolute favorite? the troll that hung out under the bridge grabbing people's ankles as they walked by. sadly, my ankles never got grabbed however, at the prodding of my mother, i did get a picture with the troll (which, of course, refuses to load right now-if you head to my flickr badge below you can find it). it was so fun, i might even go back next weekend.

**it's only tuesday and i am facing three more days of sitting at home alone working on emails. i'm not quite sure i'm going to make it through. seriously. by about 1pm i'm ready to start knocking on neighbors doors just to be able to look into another human face for the briefest of moments (before they slam the door on me because i'm just staring at them with glazed eyes). i don't think working at home for an entire week is good for ANYbody.

things are okay right now.

it shouldn't surprise or amaze me anymore

2006-08-08T13:31:00.000-07:00

but it still does. people, in general, really can't handle it when the rules start to change in a relationship after a long period of things sort of being about them, their needs, how they want things, etc. it's a hibernation week...meaning that had i the choice, i would hole up in my house and not speak to a single soul. i have hit that point where i am so tired of trying to hold things together that it would be nice for someone else to step in for a minute or two. without meaning to, however, i have allowed many of the relationships that i deal with most often, to be set up in such a way that this type of support is foreign to me as of late. i need a few days of little or no interaction with the outside world. things are exhausting and hurtful. sadly-it's not something i'm going to get anytime soon.

run down

2006-08-06T14:31:00.000-07:00

-if you are now sort of my friend again after not being for so long, thanks. it's nice that there are positive thoughts to take the place of the negative. i needed that. things really do happen because they're supposed to and they happen at the exact time they're supposed to happen. the universe is nice that way because i realized recently that if one just lets go, the world does the hard part of it all. -if you have sort of checked out in general & only have time for a new girlfriend-that's whack. that's like 7th grade whack...and i can say that because that's how i used to act at that age. not at this age. -school, you can respond any time now. really. the fun part of the waiting is over-the newness of this part of the process has seriously worn off. i continue to feel like a slacker, and i owe it all to you. -unbelievable, that you would have time to do actual activities with friends but not with me. that's even more whack than having friends that stop talking to you when they start dating someone. that's okay too though. i will find other people to do fun things with if i must. -i'm completely over all the hydro hype. really. does seattle really need a reason to sit around all day and drink? blue angels that i can see from our window on the 4th floor (would have been even better if i could have made it out to lake washington for an up close view but that's ok, maybe next year)-yay. a bunch of drunks boating on lake washington & hanging out everywhere all day? no thanks. that's all.

p.s. i'm serious

2006-08-04T14:14:00.000-07:00

dear iTunes, why...oh why, when i have provided you with 1,825 songs so far, must you play the same 30 over, and over, and over again? it hurts a little. were you not aware that you are one of the things that allows me to feel like i'm part of the outside world still when i'm working at home, reading and answering ridiculous email after ridiculous email in the dungeon of my home? love, kelly

the only response that was truly appropriate was the only one i couldn't give

2006-08-01T13:51:00.000-07:00

"I heard you discontinued the...Doughnut. Please bring it back! I was awesome." dear customer, i really thought i was awesome when i was on doughnuts too... love, kelly

i'm done with you today

2006-07-26T14:27:00.000-07:00

"It's a truly liberating thing to know that I don't have to respect your wishes, because you still don't have respect for mine or consideration for me as a person. No, as long as you continue to minimize what really happened and dodge ownership of it, if you feel the need to contact me, I am not going to spare you what I think. I have no obligation to. All this interaction has told me is that you're not really as better as I would have hoped you'd be by now. You obviously don't understand that I have harsh feelings for you because you still don't realize or fully and completely acknowledge what you did. That's part of the "getting better" process for people like you that apparently you haven't gotten to yet. After two alleged years, that's sad. So on that note, it's really not me who's attempting to "throw things" in your face. I will quote you: "Ive found someone that I really love and were engaged". Did I ask you for that information? No. Do I really care? No. And I'm sure you realize that on some level..." i have pictured this moment for over three years. i started picturing it when i really hit bottom in that relationship-when i finally started to admit to myself that it wasn't ever going to get any better...that the only things i would walk away with were a big fat hard-earned lesson and (eventually) a little more strength to put in my pocket. you did horrible things to me, called me horrible names, hit me, cheated on me and did your damndest to break me (and you came really close to achieving that). the things you did hurt my family & friends because they care about me. eventually, i started hurting them too by lying to them in order to be with you. i lost a best friend because of you. i gave up my dignity, friends, self-respect, freedom, independence, trust and love for you. at some point, you even had me believing that i really didn't deserve any better and so i stayed and took the blame for every single one of your disgusting actions. sick. there really isn't any other word for it. i was sick too, though. that's really the most crucial part of the whole thing-you personally, were really of no consequence; you could have been anyone because all you were was a message that life was trying to smack me upside the head with (literally in this case). it's taken longer than i wanted to get 'okay'...to respect myself and demand the same of others because i realize that i deserve that (and a lot more). but i did it. part of it still lingered around though. i should probably thank you for your recent violation of my boundaries rather than resent you for it-in fact i do thank you. a tiny little part of me lived in fear of that all this time...of running into you somewhere...of you finding me. i froze up just thinking about it. as it turns out i didn't have to be afraid. you are no match for me. i was never on the same level as you were but i misled myself to believing that i was-and heaven knows you tried your best to bring me down there. i had the distinct pleasure of walking away from this recent (and hopefully last) interaction with you with my power still blissfully in tact. i. have. never. been able to do that with you-i never believed that i could. the fact that i did has helped me to realize that i don't have to be afraid of men, especially you. there's nothing to be afraid of because no one can do anything to me unless i allow it. i have all the control in my world. i've had my power back for a while-i just haven't taken the opportunity to use it where i've really needed to, to let this all go. and it's not like in the movies where i thank you for beating me up inside and out so that i could learn these lessons and be the person i am today. i have not been hit by some all-forgiving, all-loving light that allows me to see you any differently than i used to. i'm not bitter and i'm not angry-but nor do i have to think fondly of you. i prefer to thank the universe for making sure i ended where i'm supposed to and i don't harbor any hatred for the means it chose in order to get me to this particular end. i half imagined that when i got here i would feel 100 pounds lighter or there would be some huge change in me that i could feel. i should have known better-it was a slow process and in a way my own changes sort of snuck up on me. i have come thousands of miles from where i was. i even find that i've sort of forgotten what it felt like to be that scared-to-death little person. but i've finally gotten here. it's a quiet kind of peace; like falling asleep. i'm done with you today.

value

2006-07-25T16:02:00.000-07:00

i have the whole being-up-front/not-burrowing-my-thoughts-away-when-i-have-just-as-much-right-to-share-them-as-anyone-else thing down. i at least have it tackled for the most part. something is still missing though and the fact that i have that first thing going on but not much else, is causing more frustration than is really bearable. much of the time i sort of get the impression that i'm talking to myself in a dark, locked up room-at least i'm doing the talking, but there isn't a lot of listening going on. i am not valuing myself. hence, the fact that there aren't a ton of people out there who are really valuing me either. the two go hand in hand...like *peas and carrots*. no one is going to place value on what i don't already value about myself-they'll have no reason to. during the past few days i have taken a mental inventory of my personal relationships...it caused me to ask a lot of 'whys'. why. why. why. it took a few days and some mental struggle but i figured it out. were i to place value on what i should have been valuing all along probably the following things would no longer be things i had to deal with as a condition of choosing to be around the people i do: +being snapped at (or being told that the conversation i want to have is ridiculous) for asking questions about a relationship (that i have every right to ask) because it seems that maybe the other party would rather set something aside and not deal with it (consequently setting me aside on a shelf as well so as to not have to make any hard decisions or put forth any effort). +feeling as if i put more effort into some relationships than other parties do. +feeling as if i'm the one who usually puts more consideration into other people's feelings. +being told to 'wait' for an indefinite amount of time, and not be given any type of idea what kind of boundaries that waiting period entails, for someone else to decide what it is that they want out of a relationship. +being constantly interrupted by every single person in my life. +the failure of some friends to include me in things. +the failure of my family to realize that if something in my life or something that i want to do is important enough for me to value, that if they support me they should value it too. +feeling as if there are only precious few people in my life that truly listen to what i'm saying at any given time. +feeling as if i am one of the very last priorities in a lot of people's lives when in those cases i should actually feel fairly high up their on the priority list. +friends that say they want to spend time with me but somehow never get around to it. +those who have had the impression that my feelings can be messed around with and that i'll still stick around for more. it's just getting to be too much to deal with and too much to think about. instead of just 'saying' that i do, it's time to start actually placing a high value on myself and then maybe the people that are close to me (that aren't doing so already) might realize that they should be doing the same. because, hey...if you know you are important as all hell to me and you claim that i am the same, how on earth am i supposed to fit it all together if your actions don't say the same? i will worry about what i need to do and what's important to me...because it's plainly obvious that worrying about everyone else and what's important to them is getting me absolutely nowhere. my first step will be to plan a weekend away, just for me-to go exactly where i want to go and do exactly what i want to do. and if that involves shutting everyone out for a weekend in order to take in some scenery somewhere and have some quiet, then that's okay.

the bridge is on fire

2006-07-21T16:07:00.000-07:00

i made a joke the other day to my supervisor during a mixed company conversation in the middle of our little cube cluster. it was a joke about how if i ever were to get to the absolute end of my rope with this place that i wouldn't be giving a ton of notice-i would sort of say i'm done and be gone. i explained that i burn bridges. that's just what i do. not expecting a response from an off-hand comment, i was surprised when a co-worker asked why. he certainly could have been joking, but it was a serious sounding why, so i started to process it seriously. why do i do that? seriously. i thought about all the bridges i'd burned with people in my life and tried to mold them all together to come up with a reason why they'd all been cut off (sometimes dramatically) on my side of the proverbial bridge. why can't i just get along with everyone? my thought process actually yielded something productive. the following are the general reasons why one might get black-balled, so to speak, from any type of participation in my life: .a to put it very simply-playing games with my feelings/heart/head (or even the perception that one's actions are intended to do so). .b punching me in the face/head (essentially, causing me any bodily harm-especially when that was the intent). in my own rationalizations, these are excellent justifications for giving someone the final finger and refusing to acknowledge them further. so basically, if you've done either of these things to me at any point, you probably got shunned (maybe not at first, but eventually, when i mustered the courage and the time was right, it happened). a very important part of the equation, however, is the fact that it takes the moving of mountains to mend that bridge once i've lit it up once. some might call this "holding a grudge". i don't. i realize that there is a lot that i will work with when it comes to someone's faults-knowing that it takes me a lot to get to the breaking point, it would just make good rational sense that it would take a lot for me to come back. that's not a grudge. to sum up-if you've been smoked out of my life entirely, count yourself lucky if i ever attempt to wave an olive branch in your direction, or take the time to see yours waving. i burn bridges for pretty good reasons and when someone causes me a good deal of pain (note-one may not think their actions were pain-inducing, but it's all about me really and how much it hurt). that's just what i do.

funny. ass. bitches.

2006-07-20T12:38:00.000-07:00

i forced myself to go to a birthday party last night. when i say forced-it's not that i had to force myself because of whose birthday party it was because, really, i just recently met her, but do absolutely love the girl. i say forced because it's become apparent to me that it is easier than i had first thought to slip back into the stage of desperately needing medication. i know because i almost went back this week in a moment of 'i-can't-handle-my-emotions-please-poke-my-eyes-out-so-i-don't-have-to-deal' weakness. no. i just. won't. do it. (sidebar: not to mention that by going-i got to wear the new sex kitten shoes.) i had never been to the whiskey bar which is cleverly located in a prime people watching spot downtown on 2nd ave., complete with a cozy patio area outside & barrels for tables (yes, barrels...and they came in oh-so-handy when it came time to fold myself up in order to release all pressure on my aching feet-damn you shoes). nice to know it's there (yay for $1 PBRs)-nice to see cute V. having fun and all dressed up on her birthday-nice to meet new friends that i get an absolute kick out of. we met A. as we walked in & upon being introduced to her i immediately thought, this is a genuine person. i appreciate this more than words can explain. when you are truly genuine, i know exactly what i am dealing with at all times-i know what you think-i know exactly how to interact with you. i liked her right off the bat. i liked her even more when she started sharing her people watching game with me. i had mentioned how much i enjoy people watching especially now after developing my shoe problem since that's what i look at the most (regretfully-i judge them on the basis of their shoes as well...it's sick, i know). "there's this game i play when people watching if you want to know about it," she says to me at one point. game? i like games. "so, when you see someone walking down the street, you have to guess what type of music they listen to based on their appearance alone." this disappointed me. it was comically easy for one thing-rap/rock/punk, etc.-and certainly not a funny game. i said nothing of my disappointment though. i continued in my valiant attempt to see what was funny about it. that is until we both looked at the same bohemian/hemp/long skirt-wearing youngish lady and she blurted out, "sarah mclaughlin". then i realized what was funny about it. (disclaimer: i enjoy sarah with all my heart and soul, so the posting of this was in no way a dig.) at that moment, i got her and seriously enjoyed her conversation and ended up laughing with her and piglet the rest of the night. apparently she enjoyed the company of piglet and i equally as well as evidenced by a moment when a friend of hers showed up and casually asked what was going on. her reply? i've been hanging out and cracking up all night with these funny ass bitches. i'd never been called a funny ass bitch before...i quite enjoyed it. i responded in kind by telling her that i had actually thought that she was the funny ass bitch, not us (because i really had). all the way home i congratulated myself on forcing my body out of the house to socially interact with others. i have a new friend-i got a little closer to another friend-i laughed and had a genuine good time for the first time in a while-i learned a new game...best of all, i brought my brain back from the hole that it had started to burrow and retreat to.

what i cannot do

2006-07-19T15:32:00.000-07:00

Mindfulness is the aware, balanced acceptance of the present experience. It isn't more complicated that that. It is opening to or recieving the present moment, pleasant or unpleasant, just as it is, without either clinging to it or rejecting it. ~~~Sylvia Boorstein i cannot control the actions of others and as such, cannot control whether i get hurt or not if i am choosing to care about someone or something. i can choose how much i get hurt-i can choose how much i will attach to something. i can choose how i will react. i cannot live in the past or the future because if i do i will be in a never-ending cycle of understanding nothing that happens to me. i can choose to live in the present-in this day and in this minute. i cannot make people stay-if their plan is to walk away i have to accept that and know that if they are walking away, it means that something greater will take their place. i can choose how i will react to their absence-i can choose whether it will tear me apart or whether it will make me stronger. i cannot forget that i come from a place of strength-of "strong feminine" as it was recently called-not weakness. i can choose to listen to the friends that keep reminding me of that. i cannot forget that strength sometimes intimidates people, particularly men. but that for every single person-male, female, friend or family-that can't handle it there will be someone to take their place. i can choose to remember, and will, that women come from a place very different than men and are built to withstand and interact with life in a way that men are not. i cannot hold this against them if this is the way the universe meant it to be. i can love someone more than life itself and give them whatever they need in a time of weakness for them, and trust that if the same were to happen to me again (because it has) that they would be there in the same capacity (as they have before).

cranberries {free to decide}-1994

2006-07-18T17:11:00.000-07:00

It's not worth anything more than this at all, I live as I choose or I will not live at all So return to where you've come from Return to where you dwell Because harassments not my forte But you do it very well. I'm free to decide... And I'm not so suicidal after all I'm free to decide... And Im not so suicidal after all... You must have nothing more with your mind to do There's a war in russia and sarejevo, too So to hell with what you're thinking And to hell with your narrow mind You're so distracted from the real thing You should leave your life behind... Im free to decide...

the end of an era

2006-07-17T15:56:00.000-07:00

it used to boast 'not submitted'. now if one had the password and pin required to look at my university application status they would see the following: Submission Status: Submitted Submitted Date: 7/17/2006 6:16:00 PM E.S.T. since i haven't really analyzed it and further, don't feel the need, i couldn't really say why it took me so long. i can say this-sometimes when you know you you are heading towards that place where everything and everybody really just blows, it can actually motivate you to do something for yourself that you had put off for too long. so because of that i say, *cheers* to everyone who has played a hand in my poker game of personal unhappiness for the past couple of weeks. i owe you one.

1. 2. 3.

2006-07-16T08:51:00.000-07:00

rundown. .1 the option of working ridiculous OT at home, for me, has a taste of irony. though i am working during 55% of my waking weekend time, since i am at home, it's a bit like taking the down time that i usually don't afford myself. let's face it, how much energy is one really exerting sitting at home on a computer in their sweats? also-it's really not so bad-sort of like waking up and watching cartoons, only they're customer cartoons that i'm reading instead. .2 P-though months may go by before we see each other and it turns out sort of exhausting (it's a good sort of tired though-i assure you) to catch each other up b/c there's just so much to go over, somehow it still ends up feeling as if i just saw you the other day. i think this is one of the tests of a truly lovely friendship-the fact that we can still connect so well after so much time. i have grown to love the particular way in which we exchange ideas and feelings and sort of mold together in a cozy place during a conversation. without a doubt, i have grown more from my friendship with you than from any other relationship. thank you for your honesty, your candor, your trust, your love of life and your willingness to share yourself without holding back. no matter how old we get, there will always be room at the inn-or bungalow-or house...wherever i end up you are welcome there. .3 piglet-i couldn't even possibly explain how valuable it was for you to say what you said to me on friday. you deserve good things. you deserve to be happy. you deserve to have fun. you are a great person. these are things i think we all know deep down-sometimes we need to be reminded and because you reminded me it allowed my heart to grow a little bigger. i love you for it. sometimes i need reminders of my blessings. thank you weekend, for giving me those.

shoe rape

2006-07-15T10:47:00.000-07:00

there is one thing that i imagine could cheer me up a bit in almost any situation (barring death or dismemberment) or at the very least allow me a moment of reprieve from troubles...shoes. new shoes. new expensive shoes. being on the V.I.P. list for fluevog has the potential to be very dangerous if one finds that they're troubled frequently lately. for example, one gets invited to private parties held in their classy little store where they begin the seduction with a glass of wine and some great conversation. they know exactly what they're doing. they somehow get one to share that secret desire to die like amelda marcos... before you know it you're trying on shoes, just trying, just to see...unique, beautiful shoes that hug your feet and can make even the most unmanicured toes look pretty. the worries of the day melt away a bit. it doesn't take long to break down-i dare any woman to say no in that situation. instead of date rape-it's shoe rape. this is what broke me down:

i was no match for them. i know it's shameful. don't judge me.

(rational arguments: 1. they were on sale and 2. they are no longer making shoes with the broken leather.)

and no-the shoes did not mend a broken heart or reduce any stress or anything that would have been worthwhile. but just for a moment, it was oh so nice to live in that world for a while as a means to take a break from mine.

(and as for cheering me up a bit, it didn't hurt that as i was standing outside for a moment during the party i got a "damn you look goooo" from a dude walking down the street. it was the shoes.)

(also-the whole shoe rape thing? total exageration; i have a great fondness for the kids at the pine-or pike-store. i heart them.)

...lewd conduct...

2006-07-14T15:35:00.000-07:00

attention grabbing isn't it? i know. out of a call center of over 50 individuals this is the phrase that my ears picked today-and it was probably the only thing i thought was truly funny all day. it just doesn't get used enough. lewd conduct. please note that this term is not wholly to refer to sexual conduct...it is also defined as obscene conduct/behavior. obscene is loosely defined as disgusting behavior-this can encompass a wide range of things. besides just being a damn funny phrase for some reason-it's funny that i picked it out today of all days, at the end of a week in which i've had ample opportunity to use it (total side note? get a grip-also a phrase that doesn't get used nearly enough). a brief rundown of my lewd week... ...so sayeth the asshole (i've taken the liberty of correcting glaring grammar/spelling errors): "I've been through two years of personal anger managment, which is going great. I love going, and I'm also helping other people. I knew I wasn't screwed up, it was just a controlling thing which I could never confess, but it was." note: personal anger management and domestic violence counseling are two vastly different things. sadly, you ended up in the wrong i'm-really-not-quite-sure-how-to-be-a-decent-human grade school class. if this was supposed to impress me, it does not. "I have a little boy...who is a year and half." note: i pray to god in heaven that you don't eventually turn him into a little you...much as you turned into a mini-me of your father. "I will never forgive myself for the way I treated you...I still love you Kelly and I always will...You dont know how sorry I am for everything Ive done." note: i also pray to god in heaven that you drown and choke on those sentiments. you are correct, i do not know how sorry you are, i never did-probably because you are not and never were. p.s. it is over three and a half years too late and you didn't even deserve the opportunity to say it to me...not to mention the fact that i didn't invite them. ...oh name that i won't mention, you actually get the prize for best showmanship of lewd conduct this week. no, what i initially said was not kind, nor sensitive, nor considerate and i'm not proud of it. however, the response i received was a response you might expect from someone when you walk into their house brandishing a machete, a sword and numbchucks swinging. i miss the hell out of you and sort of wish that i was in the really bad adam sandler movie that just came out where i could rewind situations and erase them, but we won't even get started on what it's done to my heart and you have done nothing other than a text message to try to stave that.. p.s. the best thing to do in a situation such as this does not actually involve leaving someone to sit with these types of feelings until their feelings for you dry up and shrivel away. ...thank you aunt for your third-prize-winning lewd conduct: "Sorry I left so abruptly. I can't seem to be around your mother very long any more I'm sorry to say. When she's around all I hear is whine, whine, whine and I know she has problems but she reminds me too much of Dad." you provided me the opportunity to state the following (it was fascinatingly liberating): While I appreciate your honesty, all would have been fine had you not spoke about my Mother to me the way you just did in that email. It didn't offend me that you left my party-people weren't required to stay until a certain time, I was just happy people wanted to come and spend time with me, I was happy that you came for the time that you were there. As for what you just emailed to me, I really don't think it's appropriate for you to whine to me about my Mother, your sister. If you have a problem with her and/or your relationship with her you should probably speak to her about it in an honest way rather than speak to third parties (especially when that third party is someone's daughter). I'm not angry with you, but I love my Mom a lot, and I don't need to hear people speak negatively to me about her. As for what happens in this family, which is that people don't say what they think to each other-personally that's what I'm tired of. Not specific people, not their personalities, but the way in which we all dance around what we really think because that's really not what adults should be doing-especially ones that claim to care about each other. So as to not hurt my Mother I'm not going to share what you just said in this email, besides the fact that it's really not my place to share other people's opinions, especially those that I don't share. Also, just in the interest of sharing, I've tired of the self-righteousness too-it seems we all have fingers to point as to what's wrong with everyone else, but rarely do we point the finger at ourselves which is where it belongs. People worry about your drinking, for example, yet never say anything to you about it-that is a concern I actually share so I'm comfortable telling you that-I worry about it too and I worry that it will affect your health at some point because I care about you. And if you get angry that I said that, that's your right-but you're still family and I still love you. it really is a hilarious expression...i should actually be thanking the three of you for the inspiration to use it.

why-when you hear them at that particular right moment-are sad songs so true?

2006-07-13T12:40:00.000-07:00

thank you, joni mitchell, for causing the well to start while trying to respond thoughtfully to the most trivial complaints to have ever graced anyone's desk. Rows and floes of angel hair And ice cream castles in the air And feather canyons everywhere I've looked at clouds that way. But now they only block the sun They rain and snow on everyone So many things I would have done But clouds got in my way. I've looked at clouds from both sides now From up and down, and still somehow It's clouds illusions I recall I really dont know clouds at all. Moons and junes and ferris wheels The dizzy dancing way you feel As every fairy tale comes real Ive looked at love that way, But now it's just another show You leave em laughing when you go And if you care, don't let them know Dont give yourself away. I've looked at love from both sides now From give and take, and still somehow It's loves illusions I recall, I really dont know love at all. Tears and fears and feeling proud To say I love you right out loud Dreams and schemes and circus crowds I've looked at life that way, But now old friends are acting strange They shake their heads, they say I've changed Well somethings lost, but somethings gained In living every day I've looked at life from both sides now From win and lose and still somehow It's lifes illusions I recall I really dont know life at all Ive looked at life from both sides now From up and down, and still somehow It's lifes illusions I recall, I really dont know life at all.

strange

2006-07-12T22:19:00.000-07:00

how efficiently things can change. of course maybe, it's just a matter of different signs. there are some things that i know to be true, and they are as follows: .1. often when we are angry at ourselves but the anger is too much to deal with on our own, we will point it towards entities that don't deserve it-often those that are closest to us. .2. granted this is a general statement and based only on my own personal experience but more often than not, it is men who exhibit the above. .3. sometimes when those we love are right about something we wish to god they weren't right about, they will be the greatest bearers of the above anger. .4. sometimes when we reach the kind of anger that has one intention, and one intention only which is to push someone away in the moment because we can't deal with what we might have caused, we will still somehow try to cry out to them when the anger is at its most potent. however, we won't see at the time that the most unhealthy thing that other party that we are pushing and pulling with can do is respond directly to that anger in the same manner. .5. it is one of the most difficult tasks in life when someone is screaming at you, wanting you to respond to that small child in them that never got healed up in the same manner that the child is responding to you with, to walk away (knowing that if you respond in kind it only proves to tap into and worsen that unhealthy part of you that you're trying to heal). and even while this evening's goings on rattle in my head, threatening to derail, i still vacilate as to whether it is a good thing or a bad thing, that i know so much about other people's anger.

thanking the universe

2006-07-12T20:03:00.000-07:00

almost every single one of my blogging friends has written something about signs recently. i will point out that the reason i write about them now is not necessarily because of the fact that everyone else has-i should point out, however, that the fact that they all did, probably helped me to see my own and recognize them enough to be thankful for them. so thank you to all of you. my recent sign (okay...my sign today) was a bit different i think. it was the sort of hind-sight sign that makes you say (because at the time you couldn't be thankful in the correct way, probably due to dysfunctionalism and/or not wanting to see what was in front of your eyes) "thank god/allah/mother earth/father time/what-have-you, that someone else took the place in life that i could have ended up having because of the choices i was making at the time". i won't bore anyone with the details (not to mention that the details make me look like the biggest idiot to ever have graced the earth)...just know that there really are signs. someone, somewhere is looking out for us and ensuring that we learn the lessons that we are supposed to learn, and only in the unique ways we are supposed to learn them. i know this is mostly vague (which is okay because i enjoy a bit of mystery now and again) but the important part is clear. thank you to all of the things/people/events that were supposed to stand in my way at a time in my life when i refused to stand in the way of myself, so that i could end up to where i was supposed to be. thank you for where i am now which is so much better in comparison to where i could have been.

ghosts that don't seem to find the appropriate closet

2006-07-11T13:40:00.000-07:00

over three years later an email is influential enough to tie my stomach up in a knot so complex that even the saltiest sailor could not untie it. i should note that this reaction is actually improved from the one i used to be privileged to-it used to hit me in the stomach so hard i couldn't breathe for a while. i suppose a day or so of nausea and anxiety is better than an emotional punch in the gut. over the course of a year or two i tried to say something in various ways that never got through-either to me or the other party. i tried to say it with a restraining order. i tried saying it with the police. i tried screaming it. i tried saying it through only god knows how many tears. i tried to say it by changing the locks. i tried to let my male friends say it. i tried confronting it head on despite the danger it posed to me at the time. after all that, i didn't actually walk until it had run its due course-a total of almost 3 years. and i was happy when he left because i figured that about 900 miles would finish what i had started-or would at least keep it far enough away in order for me to do all the healing on my own. i was wrong. i know i had toyed with the idea of finding him in order to deliver to him the message that took me 10 pages to get out. however, it is not the same for the situation to have found me instead because a) it was not on my own terms, and b) i didn't choose it. two sentences reduced me to the same powerless victim that i was just a few years ago-even just for a moment. for just a second i really wondered if somehow i was back there all of a sudden because even just stepping my toes in the water a bit actually felt like being doused, having been removed from the whole situation for so long. what would you say if you had the chance to say it all? would you even say anything?

a nameless shout-out or two...or a few

2006-07-07T12:52:00.000-07:00

you all know who you are... ++it's so much better when you let me in a little-it reminds me of why i love you. i feel safe with you again. i feel like it might work this time. ++i'm so over where i work. that's all i have to say about that. ++at&t-if you were a person i would punch you in the face. ++never before in the years that i have known you so far have you not even had time to call me and connect for a few minutes-i've been ignoring it for some time now, but i have to admit that it hurts now. especially considering that my life has been incredibly busy as well and difficult things have been happening to me too. i'm sure that having two love relationships takes up a lot of emotion and there may not be much left for friend relationships...but no acknowledgement whatsoever? ow. ++washington state pharmacy board-you thought maybe you were being smart by wording this whole new 'you-don't-have-to-prescribe-if-you're-against-it' law for pharmacists by not actually mentioning what it's aimed at...maybe that was your way of avoiding claims of discrimination? good thing the women in this state know better. ++birthday parties with ex's in attendance? you are great fun considering who the birthday is for...however, i could do without the ex (and their mean wife) any day. ++roommate-it's all fine and great that you have a psychotic problem with the few stray sadie hairs that may linger in the washer after i do laundry...however, if you're going to have a panic attack at me about it you had better be beyond reproach, sweetie. beyond reproach means that you would actually need to clean out the lint trap everytime you do laundry. thank god summer is halfway over and we are that much closer to parting ways. ++bamboo...you are the bane of my existence this season. even 5 garbage bags thus far have not been enough to contain your droppings that you were inconsiderate enough to spread all over the yard. thank you for the before picture...let's just hope that i'm able to get an after picture prior to Sunday. please check this link if you need tangible proof of what i speak of. ++new pirates of the caribbean movie? think of me this evening as all the other movie attendees get to see you on your first day out. sadly, i will not be there even in street clothes-much less gussied up in costume like the rest of my pirate band will be this evening. ++pirate BBQ that i have planned-you are starting to stress me out. not kind at all. ++panties? why, rather than just stay where you are put, must you peek out on a daily basis causing someone, at some point, to alert me to your presence?

the cutest thing i have seen in a long time.

2006-07-05T16:22:00.000-07:00

coincidentally, also my nephew. you could say he takes after me too. i would happily wax about the past few days, but instead i have to finish the call to the imbeciles at at&t that has taken 39 minutes and 40 seconds thus far prior to being able to go home.

strange how oddly fitting things like this can be

2006-06-30T10:04:00.000-07:00

'What" will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

fixing things

2006-06-29T09:58:00.000-07:00

making them liveable; easier to deal with...better even in some cases. **the problem with attempting against all odds to stay out of things that don't have anything to do with you in a group of friends is this: if it's talked about at all to you, by anyone, it's unavoidable that your opinion of others will be colored...tainted even. you will start questioning who you can trust and who you can't, based on interactions that you weren't even a part of. so, i'm done trying to be buddies with the whole world when i'm at work. i'm done with other peoples issues and drama. when at work, i'm just going to be at work; nothing more, nothing less. if you attempt to talk to me about other people, i will probably ask you respectfully to stop...because i just can't deal with it. i have my own stuff to deal with, and sometimes when i'm at work, it's the only place i don't have to deal with that stuff; sometimes, when other things in my life are failing or upsetting, being at work where things are supposed to be concrete, is a reprieve. i would like to keep it that way. if you are my friend, i will still be friendly to you...but there will probably be an air of detachment when i'm at work. **couples counseling. when the issue was brought up i thought about it for a good while. i decided that this is something i'm strong enough to handle and participate in. i can do this. until i asked the name of the counselor that had come highly recommended. tom. a guy. a man. i have never once chosen a male counselor. i have never once felt okay choosing a male doctor for all those personal things that women must endure. never. it wasn't until driving home yesterday that i realized exactly why. see, i imagined myself, actually saw myself, in a small room with two males discussing my relationship and needs (yes...it makes a difference that one of those males is a person i know and love; but for the purpose of this exercise we're going to disregard that because all i could think about was a small room with two males and me feeling vulnerable)...what i felt was fear. pure. chilling. terror. so, here's the thing; it's not that i don't like men necessarily...i am not a femi-nazi man hater. i fear them. it just shows up to the outside world, after traveling through my self-preservation filter, as dislike...disdain even. i was given the option of choosing a female instead. i even thought about making that request for a split second. but that's the path of not wanting to grow or change anything and it's not the path i want to continue to take in my life. we're supposed to do the things that we're afraid of; as long as they are things that aren't going to maime us or tear us apart in a negative way, we're supposed to do the things we don't want to do. so i'm going to do this. because not only will (hopefully) it improve my relationship, but in a small way it will probably improve me as well. fixing things.

fed up. completely and totally.

2006-06-28T17:50:00.000-07:00

i don't really give a crap if this isn't entertaining, cute, funny, etc. entertaining others is not my life purpose, nor anymore is caring what others think (thank god). if you don't like it, don't read it. i've had it. with people, with my job, with my life. how long can one navigate through their life with one thing after another failing? it has to stop sometime, right? i literally believe that i am probably hanging on by a very thin thread. P.S. and P.P.S. and whatever ~~i've had it with people that act like children. because by the way, if you aren't mature enough to keep your personal life separate from your professional life enough to work successfully then you shouldn't be mixing it. if you aren't mature enough to address personal issues to someone's face like an adult would, then you probably aren't mature enough to work wherever you work. i am actually at the point where i am considering seriously, finding somewhere else to go...because i just can't take the drama that some people feel forced to create. ~~what is that goes on in men's brains that makes them think it's perfectly acceptable to treat women like show animals? because the whole stalking thing the other day has just eaten at me ever since. by the way, if it happens again to me i'm going to play the coy trick to lure them out of the car and then punch them in the mouth. ~~how can a car be unfixable? seriously. ~~who gets wireless internet (a.k.a. unreliable internet) for their HOUSE-for computers that don't move?? what kind of dumbass idea is that? ~~why, oh why, is everyone allergic to gluten all of a sudden. gluten allergies are the new pink in the medical world. it's like when they went off the deep end diagnosing a bunch of kids with ADD that really didn't, truly have it or need to be medicated for it. that's it...gluten allergy is the new ADD. ~~i fear that i may get to the point where i really don't want to participate in my life anymore. {positive side bar: thanks mad, for taking so much time to talk with me last night and bringing me back to earth. good, dependable friends are difficult to find. i've been lucky in the fact that i actually find one every few years and therefore have more than one good, dependable friend. way lucky. because i really feel like i'd be lost without them.} a man is placed upon the steps, a baby cries and high above the church bells start to ring and as the heaviness the body oh the heaviness settles in somewhere you can hear a mother sing then it's one foot then the other as you step out onto the road how much weight? how much weight? then it's how long? and how far? and how many times before it's too late? calling all angels calling all angels walk me through this one don't leave me alone calling all angels calling all angels we're cryin' and we're hurtin' and we're not sure why... and every day you gaze upon the sunset with such love and intensity it's almost...it's almost as if if you could only crack the code then you'd finally understand what this all means but if you could...do you think you would trade in all the pain and suffering? ah, but then you'd miss the beauty of the light upon this earth and the sweetness of the leaving. calling all angels calling all angels walk me through this one don't leave me alone... 'cause we're not sure how this goes -jane siberry

so, it was like 85 degrees

2006-06-26T20:39:00.000-07:00

.1 i got my first stinky hot weather bus experience. it's not something that i want to repeat even in my wildest, disgusting fantasies; unfortunately it's something that i will repeat...again, and again. .2 remind me not to wear dresses on days that i'm going to be walking out in the open for more than a couple of blocks. after the stinky hot weather bus experience, i got to meet a stalker while walking the few blocks home from my bus stop. i was painstakingly close to the haven of my cool basement, when i noticed a ghetto little 2-door honda slowing in a ridiculous way in my direction. he stared. it was obvious. i didn't even give the privilege of a glance. but to beat all things, in the time it had taken me to reach my mailbox, dude had apparently driven around the block to drive by again. that was it. i gave him the privilege of my middle f'ing finger. i do not care that it was crass...i do not care that it was uncouth. uncouth and crass is attempting to follow around a young female that you do not know (when you look at least 45) in 85 degree weather, especially considering that i wouldn't have cared if i was single, i wouldn't have cared if it was brad fucking pitt...i don't want to meet someone in the first place when it's hot enough to melt metal and all i want to do is go home. plus...EW for stalking. .3 there are still some nice people in the world. in order to run some errands i was required to put $3.00 in gas in my car (i have gotten to the point where i refuse to put gas in my car unless i really have to). in 85 degree weather, after i had turned it off to put $3.00 worth of gas in it, the little piece of crap decided it didn't want to run any type of charge through the corroded cables (WHY it chose today will always remain a mystery). my dear daddio tried to fix it the cheap way (why, oh why, dodge do you only sell the part that i need in a $500-$600 package???) and apparently it didn't work. somehow, the guy that asked if i needed help managed to do it in a way that didn't: a. undermine my intelligence as a female b. wasn't lecherous and c. cause me to refuse it which i normally would do. he helped jump my little ornery neon in weather that is hot enough to kill and when it was all through and i was thanking him from the bottom of my heart, he kissed my hand after shaking it. there are still some nice people in the world. and he didn't even ask for my number or anything icky...he was just trying to help. .4 i cannot express to the heavens how happy i am that the working-from-home project begins tomorrow. today, i was in a rotten enough mood to where if i had come home and stared at the plants a while longer, they all would have withered up and died. i had to bite my tounge every time someone came up to speak to me at work today...because i was two seconds from digesting their head. dealing with reality and dealing with my life has not made me a happy camper, nor an easy person to deal with lately. i'm not at the point where i can apologize yet even, because if i was telling the whole tale, people would be a whole lot more worried. apologies may have to come later. 85 degree weather. at least one good thing came from it.

seattle pride 2006 kicked my butt

2006-06-25T15:27:00.000-07:00

it was actually the straw that broke me this weekend. i reached piglet's at 9:45am this morning back from westport (pirate festival) not having washed my hair in days, sunburnt, with a barstool in the back of my car (amazing that i made it back at all considering that on 4 hours of sleep i turned a three hour drive into a two hour one and was so out of it when i started this morning that i almost ran two red lights in aberdeen). despite the impending heat wave that we were about to spend hours in we dutifully set off for the pride parade, but not until almost 10:30. parade started at 11:00. on the way to the freeway we happened to see someone waiting for the bus who could only have been headed to the pride festival (complete with rainbow lei) and felt bad for the poor fellow seeing as how there was no way he was going to make it down there in time. in the spirit of the day we stopped to ask if he wanted a ride to pride (we actually did say it like that too, rhyming and everything). the situation was completely safe considering that he was gay and we are girls...no one was going to be hurting anyone. the whole thing was funny considering that it turns out he is a friend of one of our coworkers (WHY does seattle just keep getting smaller???). it was a fun trip down there. of course, considering it was piglet and i trying to figure the whole thing out by the time we got downtown (hello blind leading the blind) we were somehow under the impression that they were lining people up at the seattle center, so we secured parking nearby. low and behold, after walking around the center for a few we finally learned that the parade was actually lining up down on union. 10-12 blocks away. nice. the parade was awesome though and i'm glad i dragged my butt through it. everyone loved the fact that our company was marching in it, with a float and everything. it was nice to be part of the group supporting it. and it actually worked out well that we had a nice 10 block walk before it even started since we actually ended up at the seattle center when the parade was over. i am ever grateful for the city of seattle for putting that huge fountain in the center of things because the first thing we did was head there and douse ourselves. by the time it was over both of us were delirious with heat, poor sadie (did i mention i put a cute little pink silk bow around her neck & walked her through it on a little pink leash?) didn't know what end was up by the time she was done after dealing with huge crowds of people in what felt like deadly heat (poor girl just about hid behind my legs everytime the cannon went off on the seafair pirates duck thing). even now, she can't hardly move. it was all i could even do to muster the energy to drag her smelly self and my smelly self into the shower when i got home. it was really all i had left. please make sure you take a moment to click on this & see how tired her eyes actually were by the time we were done. after standing in the fountain for a while all we could do was lay in the grass like lumps. it was nice-people watching, chatting. however, it didn't take long before i entered into the 'i have to go home zone'...that place that i end up in when horrifyingly tired where i am so single-minded about getting home that i feel sorry for whomever stands in my way. i cannot hardly move, i can't speak to anyone (nor do i really want to)...it's a toss up as far as how long i have the stamina to even hang out at my computer before moving to my cozy bed, not to be moved (because if someone did, all i can say is god rest their soul) for the rest of the evening. and i haven't even started explaining about westport yet. but there's just no energy for it. and as tired and worthless as i am at this moment, i was actually more thankful than it really sounds here for the ridiculous busy weekend because it took my mind off of sad things and sad situations for a while. albeit, i am now back to reality, but at least i'm too tired out to worry about the fact that somewhere along the line recently my heart became so broken by someone that i can't even figure out how to find the pieces much less put it back together. nor do i even have the words to explain it to them. nor would they probably care considering they have much more 'important' things to worry about. so i suppose that instead of saying that the pride parade kicked my butt, i should probably say it saved me a bunch of heartache today-because all i want to do is lay like a lump on a log...and i've sort of earned it.

random

2006-06-23T12:39:00.000-07:00

if i ever went on a spree of violence, mr. homophobe eyman would be the first to go down.

overheating

2006-06-23T08:54:00.000-07:00

funny thing that happens when i get upset about something now. i overheat. seriously. it happened yesterday and i even had a witness to it. i think it stems from trying to contain (not stifle-just control) emotions right now. i'm trying to find the perfect balance between using emotions in a positive way (allowing them to alert me to the fact that a situation is uncomfortable, etc.) and allowing them to control me. sometimes it's difficult, and i end up in a sort of brain daze whilst looking as if i have a badly sunburned face. overheating. P.S. `if you own a dog that snarls and charges at strangers, it probably shouldn't be out in public. if a dog scares me, that's saying a lot because i don't scare easily from dogs. it makes me angry because i've done everything that i'm supposed to do to be able to trust my dogs in public...those who don't (and probably encourage the anger in their poor canine friend) deserve a big fat punch in the face, and shouldn't own animals. {side note-these are the same people who will actually say with serious wonderment to a camera on the 5:00 news that they "never imagined" their dog was capable of killing a small child.} `if i am walking to my bus stop at 6:30 in the fucking morning, clothed totally normally (i.e. NOT looking like the kind of female inviting ogles) and you honk at me as if it's cute...be prepared to hear obscenities screamed at you and your mother for not teaching you to respect women. `i love you, but i will not apologize for my anger about where this relationship seems to be headed right now. i will not apologize for my anger at having been put second, and then eventually, last for a long time now. adults get angry sometimes (this is normal)...sometimes they slam car doors a little too hard in their anger. P.P.S. an adult reaction to other people's anger is not to sneak home without even telling someone that they did it, and then calling three million times at 2 in the morning after the sneaking off. i also will not apologize for your inability to deal with emotions. `i have 0 appreciation for straight males today. 0. not quite sure if it will come back either. 95% (note that i didn't say all) of you are so selfish/stupid/egotistical/immature/foolish that you squander and waste your chances at the things in life that are truly important until you realize too late (or never) that you have done so and have to settle for something less than. money? not important. success in a business world? not important. cars? not important. huge houses? not important. buying boats and boy toys? not important. nurturing the people that are supposed to matter to you and building relationships that are strong enough to hold you if the bottom drops out and all that 'stuff' disappears? more important than most of you will ever realize. one good thing that seriously made my eyes water a little? the answer that i got back this morning in response to my email asking if my dog could walk with me in the pride parade on sunday? "Absolutely! She’s part of your family! Looking forward to seeing you!" how much do i heart that person for making my morning and calming the overheated waters? immensely.

a nightmare

2006-06-21T20:44:00.000-07:00

in the midst of puttering about changing out loads of laundry this evening, a thought struck me as i was organizing my 20 pairs of shoes (i'm working on maximizing that number). what is the worst thing, out of all things, that could happen to me? {side bar= things that surprisingly did not even cross my mind as an answer (not even for a second): .1 going blind .2 losing the use of my feet/legs .3 paralyzed from the waist .4 my house burning down .5 being told that i can never have children .6 a tsunami .7 that eartquake they've been scaring us with for years here in seattle} no folks. my very first thought? oh my god what if i just didn't have feet anymore? what if they had to take them off of my body? i. could. never. buy. shoes. again. the only thing i can't really figure out now...do i think that makes me shallow or is it just a symptom of my craziness? lord help me if i am ever in a plane that goes down in the tippy top of icy mountains because once you fall victim to frost bite for a while, the first things to go when you thaw are your feet.

it should have been obvious.

2006-06-21T09:22:00.000-07:00

the amazing difficulty with which i have had to drag myself out of slumber for the past week could have told me something. my appetite rebelling against me could have been a sign. even the simple fact that it hasn't happened to me in some time now really should have clued me in. getting. sick. it started last night. in a vain attempt at self-delusion i thought that maybe i had been cleaning and had completely forgotten about it (i am regularly rewarded for my sometimes obsessive cleaning with something similar to hay fever). no. i awoke to a head full of fluff, runny nose and that nagging, stinging sensation in the back of my throat. unmistakable. damnit. it wouldn't really be that big of a deal were it a normal week. however, in two days i have to be fully prepared for raping and pillaging the small town of westport, WA (on second thought, please replace 'raping' with 'enjoying adult beverages'). rusty scupper days. no, i'm not joking. we're even mentioned on their website (that's us in bold): "We've had a great time meetin' n piratin' with all the other pirate crewes who have blown into town: The International Pirates of Seattle, WA; the Pirates of Ocean Shores, WA; Treasure Island Pirates of Seattle and the Beer Bard Privateers from Canada. All of 'em great pirates/people to have visit." i even have a way cute outfit outfit to wear too...

to get the true full effect, picture me in it with a red stuffy nose and ample luggage under my eyes from not being able to sleep at night.

argh.

what?

2006-06-20T12:27:00.000-07:00

many thanks, adorable gay friend, for completely derailing my productivity for the rest of the day with this beauty (please click only if you're interested in the process of questioning every single aspect of your life). if crazy had been awake i probably would have set myself on fire and run screaming from the building after reading it. AGF, you have essentially stirred up the entire row, made us question our existences...and worse yet, have no answers to give us that will make it right. (i demand some serious service recovery, my dear). thus, this is what i will fight with all day now (although, unfortunately, my brain doesn't give me the luxury of a dream of cuddling up in a perfect apt. to go with the anxiety...when you're crazy, you just get a nice dose of the anxiety)... .what if spending years in relationships where the suitor never actually suits is just the universe actually trying to tell me that i'm not supposed to ever get married? .why couldn't i have invented one of those instant gratification, novelty items that people go crazy over, spend millions on and then forget about. like the pet rock or something? .i don't own a house-i don't even own a condo. by the time my mother was this age not only did she have a house, but she had a husband and three children to fill it with. what if i'm never able to own a house? apt.'s the rest of my life...really? .i do not have a career. what if i was supposed to have gone to school for something else? .what if i just moved away? what if my life is supposed to be happening somewhere else but i miss out on it because i'm too scared to leave here? why, AGF...why? p.s.? i am just about sick and tired of getting runtime error messages when attempting to access blogger due to the fake computers we are forced to make do with at work. error this, bitch.

sarah mclachlan

2006-06-20T12:02:00.001-07:00

path of thorns I knew you wanted to tell me In your voice there was something wrong But if you would turn your face away from me You cannot tell me you’re so strong Just let me ask of you one small thing As we have shared so many tears With fervor our dreams we planned a whole life long Now are scattered on the wind... In the terms of endearment In the terms of the life that you love In the terms of the years that pass you by In the terms of the reasons why. Through the years I’ve grown to love you Though your commitment to most would offend But I stuck by you holding on with my foolish pride Waiting for you to give in... You never really tried or so it seems I’ve had more than myself to blame I’ve had enough of trying everything And this time it is the end... There’s no more coming back this way The path is overgrown and strewn with thorns They’ve torn the life-blood from your naked eyes Cast aside to be forlorn... Funny, how it seems that all I’ve tried to do Seemed to make no difference to you at all...

so, today i noticed some things...

2006-06-19T18:37:00.000-07:00

[i enjoy life much better when i see these two together.]

[i should use extreme caution when listening to my ipod at work-i put sad songs on there and sometimes it's a bit like walking through a mine field when i get really zoned out on whatever i'm doing. before i know it the tears are rolling.]

[i am horridly out of shape. my legs hurt, my back hurts, my neck hurts, my shoulders hurt...somehow in the past 10 hours i have lost the ability to use my left hand for anything more strenuous than picking up a pen (really? pulling a muscle in your hand?). i blame this deck.4 people and nine hours to make it look like this. ow.]

[i wish i had more time with my family. had them over for bbq'ing yesterday to celebrate father's day and as much as i wanted my house back to myself, i was sad to see them go.]

[i feel as if i have not had a moment alone for days. it's starting to take its toll.]

[i want to go on an earthwatch expedition. i want to go to south america. i need upwards of $4,000 to do this.]

[i fear that crazy is sucking all the creative energy out of me.]

i remember when you were little.

2006-06-17T07:39:00.000-07:00

*update...we're going back to linking the way cute picture of the little one and i because manually posting the pic here made my blog layout all weird...blogger can suck my toes. i'm not quite sure exactly when you started to exhibit this individual personality of yours, but i know i wasn't around when it started to become noticeable. playing the aunt role doesn't give me a ton of opportunities to participate in your life. especially when i seem to be so busy much of the time. however, i first noticed it when i was chosen to accompany you to your elementary school swim party. i don't have a lot of kid experience, and it was fascinating to me that finally you were starting to be your own little person and individuate yourself, yet you're only five and there are still many things you can't (and don't want to) do on your own. i don't blame you really, for not wanting to do things on your own. if i could give advice to you that you would understand, it would be to refrain from trying too hard to get to that point where you do everything on your own. there's more than enough time for that later and there is nothing you are going to miss out on. i started running around trying to do everything on my own by the time i was 14, and i wish i had just had the presence of mind to stay little for a while longer. i was honored to watch your 'graduation' from kindergarten to first grade. you're making friends and forming outside relationships which is so important to do, even at five (yesterday during the slide show of your field trip, everyone chanted the names of the other kids they saw in the pictures...once in a while we were treated to an excited "ME" as one of you would recognize yourselves). you can write (although we still need your translation for some things...like when 'i help look under grandma's bed' becomes 'i welf loo in gu bad' on paper). you can sing about visiting a farm and all the different ways the animals say hello to you. i'm not even your mom and it hurts a little to watch you grow up so flipping fast; i can only imagine how she might feel. the thing is, i wonder that maybe all of us might feel more of a sense of posession for you than is normal. most of us were there when you were born since, sadly, your dad was not even enough of a man to hang around part time after finding out that you were going to be born. unfortunately enough, his answer to your mom was 'you're on your own' (and my heart breaks for you whenever i think of this...to the point where i want to hurt him for it and probably would if i ever saw him again, though i would never say that to you). so we were there instead, your aunts, grandma and great-aunt, to be there when you arrived. i gave you your first bath, i watched you take your first breath on your own. when it was time for your mom to go back to work part-time it was me that took care of you during those first couple of months. i remember when she dropped you off on the first morning...her excitement for a few hours on her own in the "adult world" did nothing to cover up the new mom guilt she was feeling at leaving you. having seen that, i realized it probably wasn't a good time to remind her that i didn't really know how to take care of babies...never had before. i was 22 years old at the time, and had just in that past year learned how to really take care of myself on my own. but she seemed to have enough confidence in me which is probably what saved me; if she thought i could do it, then i damn well would. i had more fun with you than i had thought i would. you were an excellent nap-taker after your breakfast. i would drag myself out of bed to greet you at 7am (no matter what time i had been out 'till the night before), eat breakfast with you and then we would curl up and take a nap. sometimes you took a nap with my roommate at the time because you were just so cute people wanted you around (still do). i enjoyed having you there more than i really thought i would, and was actually sad when it was time for you to start going to daycare. i missed you. because of these things i have always felt like my connection to you was a bit deeper than a regular aunt (especially since the both of us are considered the little ones in the family)...certainly a little more unique. yesterday i watched your teacher list off in public, secrets that she had gleaned from you and your small classmates. what you wanted to be when you grew up. this is where things such as 'i want to be a princess' are said very seriously, and you are all so hopeful and naturally naive that you believe that can really happen. you want to be a race car driver, and i hope to god that you can be. yesterday while i was watching you grow up a little more and get a little farther away from all of us, i realized something about myself. any time i say to anyone that when it really comes down to it, i don't know that i want kids i'm not saying that because i don't like kids. it's not said because i'm worried about having to carry a child. it's not said because i'm afraid of hard work or the responsibility. i say it because i know that i love things too much. eventually you have to let little ones go; i have a hard enough time doing that with people that aren't even in my family. god only knows how i would let a child of mine go. but yesterday excited me at the same time. this is the first of many opportunities to witness you growing and changing; and i'm blessed to be a part of it. and god willing, i will be around for that cliche' moment when i get to tell your dates about your propensity for peeing on people as a baby.

happiness is...

2006-06-15T08:41:00.000-07:00

----rediscovering my L7 albums...because they didn't really seem to have a great fondness for men either.

----successfully getting my ass to work on time via public transportation (actually, i really shouldn't be applauding myself...i should be applauding piglet because this morning i drove to her house which is only a few miles away & took the bus with her). side note: i still have yet to write the blog entitled 'taking crazy for a bus ride' which illustrates my first effort at getting home on the bus the other day. not to mention my f*&(-up yesterday trying to get here which included being 23 minutes late & taking the wrong buses.

----figuring out after months of owning and using it, that my ipod will store pictures. this would seem to be an indicator that i should really read the info. provided to me with the purchase of a product.

----getting paid tomorrow so that i can now avoid the following things: a. eating top ramen for so many days in a row that i begin to feel ill and my body protests (there's a reason why college-aged kids can get away with this). b. borrowing money like a huge loser. c. weighing how insane the neighbors will think i am if i intrude on their BBQ and ask for food. ----the realization while trying in vain to curl my hair this morning (the fact that i spent 45 minutes curling it only to have it flop due to the sheer strength of my dead ends was almost enough to push me over the edge) that it would be the last time for a while that i would stare at the mirror with pure hatred.

----my weekend starting this evening since i have tomorrow off for the boy's birthday.

----three weeks off of crazy pills and no breakdowns to show for it.

edie brickell

2006-06-11T08:26:00.000-07:00

What do you say when it's all been said How do you feel when it's all been felt Where do you go when it's all gone And you don't care enough to carry on.

dis connected

2006-06-10T11:29:00.000-07:00

disconnection has begun...where it becomes a struggle to really care about much of anything. i'm like this phone...

...except i'm not quite sure how long it's really been since i've actually been connected to my receiver. and so, my next trick is to find ways to connect again. points of interest? things that don't help:

a. someone telling me that i'm always unhappy when they talk to me and have been for way longer than when i started the pills and how frustrating it is for them. or being asked why i never say "i'm just great" when they ask how i am.

a1. no, i am not always unhappy.

a2. how often do you respond with "i'm just great" when people ask you how you are? not to mention responding with "i'm just great" in an over excited squirrel voice.

a3. is that seriously how you offer your support to someone?

a4. how damn frustrating do you think it is for me to be weird/unhappy/angry/frustrated during the times that i am?

b. watching friend after friend become engaged.

c. the fact that my hair sucks and i don't have the money to do anything about it until next week.

d. the ease with which i suck time lately because i get lost somewhere in my head...i actually have to set a timer on my breaks now otherwise i run the risk of wandering an hour away and having nothing to show for it when i'm supposed to be working.

i'm like my own experiment lately.

my resume kicks some corporate booty

2006-06-09T22:21:00.000-07:00

thanks matthew. **the x's are either stuff i have to complete or stuff that's been blanked out because it's a pretty identifying detail. Objective To contribute positively to XXXXXXXXX while utilizing my personal strengths and while furthering my knowledge & skills. Experience May 2002 - present XXXXXX Company Seattle, WA Customer Relations Representative / executive liaison team · Allocate case work on a day to day basis to achieve volume expectations and meet service level agreements. · Mentor employees with performance opportunities, leading them to higher levels of personal satisfaction & professional competence. · Chosen for and supported the executive liaison role, which includes: Improving relations with and educating other internal departments about Customer Relations, Warranty Services & the XXXXX group ensuring a more consistent and effective response to our customers. Immediate resolution of multiple high profile cases that have come to the attention of the executive team involving; other company’s executives, celebrities, international business partners advisement and escalations that seek resolution beyond the customer contact center. Managing extremely complex cross departmental customer cases and employee interactions for immediate resolution. · Negotiate and determine resolution for issues such as claims of discrimination, harassment and threats of legal or media involvement to prevent claim referral to risk management or law & corporate affairs to protect XXXXXX brand. · Retain disaffected customers escalated through a customer relations representative by responding to and resolving product and service complaints. · Convey extensive corporate policies and company information to partners & customers. · Empowered to resolve, negotiate and adjust claims for personal injury, illness and property damage. June 2002 – July 2004 Therapeutic Health Services/Midvale Shoreline, WA Chemical Dependency Professional Intern · Drug Court liaison · Case management / Crisis Management · Facilitated multiple dependency treatment groups that assisted over XX patients. · Responsible for the individual counseling of XX patients May 1998 – February 2005 XXXXXX Company Seattle, WA Shift Supervisor · Supervised a team of employees through coaching and provided performance feedback and training. Maintained excellent employee morale and modeled change management practices. · Managed the establishing of policies and procedures, defined staffing & management requirements. · Responsible for interviewing, hiring and, when needed, discipline and termination of employees. · Administered cross shift projects; directly managed 5 partner with an annual departmental budget of twenty million dollars. · Managed and supervised up to 9 major projects at a time including all elements of scope, deadlines, budget adherence, logistics, risk management, quality control, procurement, human resources and labor compliance. Education 2000 - 2002 XXXXXX Community College Seattle, WA · XXX Chemical Dependency counseling hours · Completed course work specific to the field of Chemical Dependency Volunteer 2002 - 2003 XXXXXX Elementary School Shoreline, WA Project Facilitator · Tutored 2 classes with approximately 30 students per class. · Adhered to district regulations and deadlines while coordinating schedules for volunteers in the office. · Assisted diminished capacity students accomplish life-critical learning such as; literacy, basic arithmetic & social skills.

if/then

2006-06-08T20:15:00.000-07:00

if you happened to have just gotten done arguing with someone because they couldn't just say "i understand" in the beginning of the conversation and you're in desperate need of a laugh that reaches the absolute core of your belly, then you should visit a store that is equipped with a self-checkout. i highly suggest waiting until the line is somewhat extended back from the meager 4 registers they usually provide you. make sure you heed the item number limit to avoid looking like an asshole (more on that later)...then just sit back and watch. self-checkouts sort of remind me of a fault line...they're where all the stupidity sort of runs together and meets in a raucous combination too much for the atmosphere to bear. however, whereas an actual fault line is not very funny at all...self-checkouts? pure comedy. i probably shouldn't be so judgmental...after all, i worked at fred meyer for a few years and so i have some skills that maybe others never learned or weren't blessed with. prime example? i happen to know what those things are on packaging that have been around since the 60s, with all the lines and numbers...i know that when you run them across that one sort of lighted screen it will make a sound and then something will show up on the register rewarding you for your hard work. of course, if i had never worked with materials similar to those found at self-checkouts, i actually could probably figure the whole bar code thing out seeing as how i've been watching others do it for me for years. although to be fair, some people actually do posess the extraordinary skills required to conquer those beastly machines. you'll notice that they almost have a swagger about them when approaching the register, as if they're about to mount a bull and ride that thing 'till the cows come home. usually in the middle of ringing up their 25 items (these are the ones that are so confident of their skills they believe that the item limit doesn't really apply to them...they don't actually consider themselves to be part of the moron market) you'll see them glancing about as if to say, "are you lookin'? 'cause i'm ringin' stuff up here. puttin' it in my bag. i've got it all figured it out". interestingly enough, more often than not, this particular customer is male. weird. that jerk i dated for so long? he said one, single, genuinely funny thing that caused me to roll with laughter throughout the entire 3+ year relationship. one day we were actually at fred meyer, waiting in the self-checkout line, watching with playful amusement. right before it was our turn to step up to the plate he very quietly and matter-of-factly said, "you know, people that make it through this should really get a round of applause when it's all over". yes, indeed...they should. pure comedy.

action > reaction

2006-06-07T21:02:00.000-07:00

i say a lot of stuff. i say it in my blogs, i say it to my friends, i say it to my family and i say it to myself over and over again. the stuff i refer to are actions that i deem necessary for me to take...usually the actions are things i need to do to improve my life-mind-heart-head-social life-interactions with people (you get the point). the problem with stuff is that i tend to not act on it. i talk about it and imagine it for a moment and say that would be nice. action = reaction. and action is greater than reaction; only if one is no longer afraid of the reaction. i've waited years to say it and i finally can...i don't care what anyone thinks anymore. like i really don't care.*** i've been making a list for weeks in my head of what it is i need to do to be happy. i thank heaven above that i had the guts to throw out the pills because, while i would be the first to say that i needed them wholeheartedly at the time i began them, they had begun to keep me from progressing. for me, all they had ended up doing was cover up the anger, cover up the pain that i had avoided dealing with for so long (long enough to throw me in an angry state of depression). i realized a while back, how on earth can i work through/resolve something that i cannot feel? while getting through the last few weeks has most definitely not been a pretty picnic at the beach (i still get the dizzy/tingly skin/out of my head feeling from time to time, and i have to admit that the lows have been frightening in their familiarity) i feel awake. i feel alive. i feel angry...but it's my anger that will cause me to act. i can't be numb and fix what needs fixing. besides...pain and anger are a part of our instinct that tells us when something is not right; things that alert us to the fact that we should back away slowly from the offending person/situation in order to preserve our selves. i need that...because i have not been great about backing away from what hurts me. and it really doesn't matter one bit that all the people i interact with don't read this...because i'll know it. and so the following stuff (point of interest...if i've called you a friend i love you to the death, but if i'm doing things differently it might become uncomfortable for you-but it might not-if it does you will still support me if you're a real friend. if you become irritated with me or find yourself being unable to support me it will be obvious...and that's ok, because at this point that's something i want to know): #no more covering my feelings up under the guise of "being polite". the aforementioned is part of the reason why i've ended up where i've ended up. so...if you hurt/upset/anger/disrespect me, you can bet your sweet ass you're going to know about it. #i am getting my procrastinating butt applied to school and i'm giving myself a month deadline to have it done by. #i will no longer sit and stew in situations where i am uncomfortable just to keep others happy and/or comfortable. i made the first step to that one at work today. #no more allowances for stepping over my personal boundaries. #i am going to let go of that huge painful thing that i've held onto for dear life thus far. this means rewriting my story and posting it here...and then finding some convenient spot to burn it (and a good supportive friend who won't freak out when i cry like a baby one last time, to accompany me) and give myself the permission to let it all go. i might never get the chance to say to that person what i really want to say...so it's up to me to fix it.

#i must get my hair done by (not this saturday) next saturday. it's making me crazy.

#start to actually help my mom more, rather than just think of all the things i could do to help her out.

i'm sure there's probably more. but i think this is a pretty tall order in itself. it's time to start having higher expectations of myself, rather than having high expectations of others.

***disclaimer: the statement "i don't care what anyone thinks anymore" refers only to what people think about what i do/how i live my life/how i fix myself/the things i need to do for myself. most certainly if something i did in any of those categories hurt another, i would care.

it's not that i don't care...it's that i really shouldn't.

2006-06-06T12:45:00.000-07:00

"I’m guessing that you could care less, but I just wanted to tell you, because for some reason I felt compelled to do so, that I had a dream last night and you were in it. it was no big deal, but I was alone at a park and I was getting ready to leave when you walked past me. you looked at me and smiled, but we didn’t talk. I don’t know what it means, if anything, but it was the first time I’ve seen you in my minds eye in a long long time and I wanted you to know that when I saw you I missed you." sweet, right? it smacks of poetic even, right? right. a. stating that it was the first time you 'saw me in your minds eye'...am i supposed to surmise that as the first time you've really spent time thinking of someone that used to be a friend? someone who was your friend for years? b. is that the first time you missed me? because i missed you a lot sooner than this. explain that one...please. c. why are you telling me this? am i supposed to drop my pride on someone who made the mistake of saying things that shouldn't be said between "just friends" and then expected me to suffer for that mistake by being the friend who has to be ignored, all because of an insecure girlfriend who checks up on them and reads their emails? d. why for all of it? i'd like that one answered. why, after being a friend of yours for so freaking long, was i the first one to get put aside when the problems you were having had nothing at all to do with me? answer those, then maybe i can act like i care. sounds harsh, i know. but i've spent too many years so far allowing others to treat me in a second rate manner...too many years being an 'easy target'. it was all my doing; just as what it's going to take to undo it is my doing too. i've already started. because, really, how is anyone supposed to value a person that readily accepts less than they deserve time and time again? but at the same time...i get it. i went through something similar before i even got that email from you, although it wasn't about you. sometimes past things hit you right between your head and heart in a way that takes your breath away. like ignoring someone & something for so long (because you think maybe that's easier than dealing) that you forget how well you used to know (and maybe even love?) them in a different world...until it hits you so hard in a moment that it stops you-and smarts just as harshly as it did right after whatever happened that caused you to walk away from them. i get it. so, it's not that i don't care...it's that i really shouldn't.

there are no words for how hilarious this is...

2006-06-06T07:27:00.000-07:00

the truth

2006-05-27T10:43:00.000-07:00

sadly, i have fallen behind in my own personal dooce updates. as a point of interest, i would be fully satisfied with my life if only i could pull words together as she does. nothing else would matter; i could be paralyzed and have a bone sticking out of my head...as long as i could write in such a way that made people stop whatever they were doing and waste their time on me instead, i would be happy as plum pudding. imagine my delight upon taking a momentary hiatus from tired/petty customer complaints to find this gem (the 'she' being referred to is her adorable three year old daughter). the following hit home in a way that (in my newly emotional reactive state) almost caused the floodgates to open up (the emphasis/bolding is my own): "I’m not so sure it’s a bad thing that we tell her that she is beautiful or smart, as long as she knows we love her despite those things. They have no bearing on how much we love her. The bigger challenge is making her feel and understand something that has taken me a lifetime to learn, something I would have rather heard than any comment on my looks or intelligence. I want her to know that she will always be good enough." (www.dooce.com: © 2001-2006 Armstrong Media, LLC.) i would be the first to defend my mother's efforts in raising my older sisters and i with a strong sense of self...a feeling of capability in the world. in fact, through no fault or intention of her own she taught us that you can't depend on others to take care of you...that, for example, as a woman, it might be a painless choice to go into a marriage thinking that's the end of it all, that at that point we could go from one care-taker (mom) to another (husband) making everything neat and cozy for ourselves. one of the few positive things to come out of my parents divorce, however, was the lesson that marriage is not about depending on someone else to give us our sense of purpose or self; that it is not about taking an easy way out and expecting that someone else will always be around (or always be willing) to make the hard choices and do the hard stuff for us in life. i would be the first to defend her in all the sacrifices she made for us so that we might grow up and be happier in our relationships than she unfortunately ended up being in her marriage to our dad. but after reading that excerpt i realized that we didn't grow up with that message. until my dad left (coincidentally throughout our most formative years) these were the major and most obvious lessons we were learning (thank god he left when he did): *our needs are always second to others (especially men). *men will hurt you and it's okay that they do; if it happens, most likely it was caused by something you did. *if you are perfect you can make the hurting stop; if the hurting never stops then there must be something wrong with you (you're not good enough). *men are to be depended on for financial purposes, however not to be trusted with our safety. those take years to erase. i'm 28 and only just recently have i been able to even say that to myself-i'm good enough. or 'i deserve good things'. imagine what kind of world we would all be living in now if every. single. child got at least that message growing up.

nothin' says friday like a toasted strawberry pop-tart

2006-05-26T08:46:00.000-07:00

in case you were wondering? un-hot: *today, in 1521, martin luther was banned by the edict of worms because of his religious beliefs and writings. learn something today. (censorship & hatred? never attractive.) *dreaming about the awful ex whose name must never actually be mentioned again due to angry words and what they brought back up. had i the misfortune of seeing said awful ex, i would punch him in the face in a fairly matter-of-fact manner, treat him to a tremendous helping of fuck you, you fucking fuck and move on quietly. sometimes i actually wish that would happen so that i could just get it over with (or at the very least, i sometimes wish i could find said ex on the internet so as to send them the detailed novella i wrote containing my thoughts on the relationship...that, at least, would be sort of like a mental punch in the face and that would appease the crazy monster that apparently lives inside my head that i have started to embrace). hot: *i had almost forgotten about pop-tarts. thank you vending machine filled with horribly pleasant evils. *partaking in a whiskey tasting to kick off my memorial day weekend. billiam, i'll pour a little out in your honor (it's the least i can do since i don't even like whiskey but wish i did because girls who drink whiskey? hot). *girls that can successfully pull off a cute little pot belly. *j... *getting some (i could say excuse me for the crass expression, but, um... i'm not going to because sometimes being crass is a little hot too). *nathion singing karaoke at the shaw... *this flower that's blooming in my rented backyard right now... *me.

"i've put millions of miles under my heels; but still too close to you i feel" (yeah, it's audioslave...whatever)

2006-05-24T07:13:00.000-07:00

all it takes is two angry words to cause me to feel momentarily as if i've returned to a place that i actually haven't dwelled in for a long time. almost four years to be exact old tapes. it's funny because just prior to leaving work early today shoover said that to me; reminding me that oh yeah...it's just those. i don't live there anymore. i never have to go back there again. many thanks. and if you're unsure of what i'm talking about, that's just too bad as it's not something that i'm prepared to disclose in full here.

it appears that phase II of the detox has begun...wherein i come dangerously close to commencing with unhealthy behaviors. prime example #1: fixating on negative things (i.e. two angry words). so the choices begin (ahhh, choices, i've missed you)...to fixate or not to fixate...to question my reality or to believe in it (i.e. refraining from allowing others to tell me what my reality is/doubt myself). today it became too much and i ended up overwhelmed, leaving early from work, crying the tears i had held in most of the morning. i put up a valiant effort to not allow this whole mess to affect work, but eventually the hot flashes and feelings as if the walls were closing in on me were too much to stave off (how is it possible anyway, that cube walls that aren't really walls can close in on one?).

here's hoping that tomorrow the walls stay where they are.

**p.s. that guy you kick some hardcore booty for knowing what this whole messy process feels like & offering up some support. you're like mellow cake, yo.

2006-05-23T15:38:00.000-07:00

no, it really isn't a wise choice... to simply decide one day that one doesn't want to take anti-depressants anymore and then actually go through with it. i'd love to elaborate, however in addition to relationship issues that seem to be going on (just how sad and angry i can get about finally realizing that i am ridiculously unimportant to someone who claims to want to marry me remains to be seen), my brain isn't working quite properly. it is said that the worst is really just the first few days. i can only hope since there is only so long that i stand to vacillate from tears, to elation, to rage without completely taking an extended trip over the deep end.

2006-05-23T13:16:00.000-07:00

boys don't cry (plumb) i'm really beginning to think that if they do, it's only a tool to get something out of a situation. You sit there on the couch Sipping your scotch and ice You turn the TV on And tune me out again So what would you say to me If you could talk to me You could ask anything I wouldn't lie But you're okay with this Damaging awkwardness So I'll just play it safe And keep it inside 'Cause boys don't cry I used to hold your hand So tight there was no question But now even when you're near I've never felt so alone If you just stand beside me I'll keep you in my life Tell me how much you love me And I'll be just fine

p.s.? porch monkeys need not apply

2006-05-18T10:15:00.000-07:00

as pointed out by that guy the other day, the rented backyard really is my new little world. it's a peaceful place. things are orderly, just the way i like them. things make sense. i like that too. i had no idea how hostile it would cause me to feel if something happened to disturb that peace and throw the order off. yesterday, as is the routine on most days now, after settling in at home i gathered my gloves, trowel and my sadie to head outside to the peace and order. **total side note? i finally got the perfect picture of bay in the garden...

i was hunched over the current area of focus (the unruly garden bed just left of the main entrance) when an unfamiliar voice interrupted my harmony.

"hey kelly!" not only did the voice pierce the silence in a most wretched way...it scared the hell out of me because i wasn't expecting anyone.

i looked in the direction of the voice with eyes already gone swirly and was allowed the relief of recognition. however, the relief of knowing who the hell was in my rented backyard faded fast. the infant. allow me to explain.

a while back during a walk with sadie around the neighborhood, i met a neighbor. we had a pleasant conversation. throughout the course of this conversation i learned that he lived a couple of blocks away, is interning as a plumber and is 22. in return, he learned that i have a dog, am 28 and am not available for dating in the event that was his intention as i am currently in a relationship (were i not in a relationship i would still have not been available as i would have had 0 desire to date a child). i believe whole-heartedly in being up front and allowing people the courtesy of exactly what they're dealing with. i've found it's best really. after the pleasant conversation we went our separate ways. i should preface the next part of this awful scenario with the fact that he looked like a totally normal, rational person.

i'm idealistic. it's always been a downfall of mine. i really was rather pleased with myself for making a friend out of a neighbor. what could it hurt, is what i thought. that is, until a voice came to haunt me on a wednesday evening.

for his first trick? "uh...i was just wondering, if my friend and i could, like, hang out in your yard and talk to you and drink our beers before we head to the bar?" my first thought was, literally, oh nooh you did-nt. i knew right then and there that i couldn't be friends with this person. anyone who actually causes that phrase which is so not a part of my normal dialougue to pop in my head like it's an everyday occurrence is not someone i can continue to know. period.

but...the thing is, i'm awful in situations where i'm being put on the spot. i sort of stop functioning correctly. my vision blurs a little...i get sort of nauseous and dizzy. very ugly. almost as ugly as when i found myself responding with, "um...i-i, guess? for a minute or two..." my god what did i just say yes to?!? was my second thought, which i quickly stifled in the interest of dealing gracefully with the situation. i anxiously continued gardening as if the very act of it would make the entire situation just disappear.

enter from stage left: the voice's friend, who was considerably older than the voice and looked as if he had been through the wash a few too many times...only it hadn't done a thing to improve his hygiene & had just sort of squished him a bit. i should take the time to note that anytime you see a considerable age difference between two male friends there is probably something a little off about that relationship, especially when the older one looks as if they just got done hot-wiring a car.

it was just then that i noticed they had a medium sized bag with them. soon after i noticed it was there, the voice reached into the bag and produced--->not one, but two forty ounce beers. really??? i quickly calculated the last time i had drank beer out of a 40oz bottle as if it was a totally normal thing to do...i was 16. i also started to look around for a camera because for a hot sec i had to ask myself if maybe i was in a movie.

then, just minutes later...something awesome happened. T came home. i realized that this was my out from the most irritating, ghetto thing that had happened to me in a while. i also woke up from the being-put-on-the-spot coma.

i gracefully invited them to leave: "so, you guys should probably finish those up elsewhere...i really don't think my roommate appreciates strangers on her lawn drinking." it was all i could do to refrain from shouting hallelujah.

p.s. i can't be friends with you because you're rude. and you drink 40s. and you're rude.

once they were gone i still continued to garden, only i was able to do it in peace. T came back outside and i explained the situation so that she wouldn't have to wonder for days until i spoke with her again just how ghetto i am. the one good thing to come out of this? i realized that my roommates care. this morning i awoke to a wooden bat propped up outside my door and two sticky notes expressing the following: if the guy T told me about comes back to bother you bang on my door immediately. new toy if needed (to explain the wooden bat). i'll be home tomorrow, talk to me.

it's nice to have friends. and bats.

the kicker of the entire situation? later in the evening when i started cleaning up the garden mess that i had made what do i find? a beer cap. one of them had totally defiled my garden by tossing a beer cap on the ground. finding that beer cap was like placing a cherry on the huge ghetto cake that had been my evening.

i love me some yardwork

2006-05-17T10:44:00.000-07:00

i know it appears to look all nice and tidy now (as this was taken this morning) but imagine a time when the grass looked to be actually swallowing the cement. my advice? never allow grass to think it's in charge. my rented backyard is like an entire world in itself. as of last week, flowers began appearing as if from nowhere. good thing they're pleasing to the eye. i have never enjoyed summer in quite this way before. how sad to have deprived myself of it. being a true seattle-ite (may god strike me dead for using that term) to the core i used to actually get seriously disappointed at reports of oncoming 90 degree heat swells*. i am disappointed no more. although, there is still a pretty roomy place in my heart reserved for days on days of humble rain, much like the type we tend to get here. how can you not love an excuse to cozy up with yourself and a book to listen to the mist outside subtly reminding you to take things slowly? even so? if it isn't pouring/drizzling/monsooning that means i get to go home and play in the dirt...water some flowers...pull some nappy weeds. and if it does happen to be sweltering out? all it requires is a 20 minute rest on my bed (sans pants) to cool off after the drive home from work and i'm good to go. yes...i love me some yardwork. *In the interest of full-on real disclosure without having to go back and edit i'm providing the following foot note: heat actually used to have the same effect on me that strong gusts of wind still have which is raving anger.

pas-sive, adj.: Receiving or subjected to an action without responding or initiating an action in return

2006-05-16T12:02:00.000-07:00

"...the mind viewed as a passive receptacle for sensory experience." thank you dictionary.com. i feel as if the word passive has gotten a bad rap that it most certainly doesn't deserve. maybe when some hear passive what comes to mind is something similar to that certain housewife that just sort of squeaks when she's trying to talk because all the words have been intimidated out of her. or those dogs in the dog parks that choose to drop to their backs and bare their bellies as a means of dealing with being checked out by the other dogs rather than just sniffing back. i could always understand how it was viewed as a bad word. i even thought it was up until just recently. it would appear that as of late i have slipped into a state of passivity. for a hot sec i tried to figure out why...what had happened to me? maybe the excessive enthusiasm with which i've attacked the rented backyard over the past few weeks (it really is therapeutic!)? maybe the crazy pills started working in a different way? then i got passive about that as well and figured it is what it is. and what it is, is ok. as billiam pointed out to me, the extreme of anything is actually not good; so i should specify that what i'm talking about is certainly not apathy. in other words, that anonymous moron (it's actually a different one every morning...seriously) that i watch on a daily basis board the elevator, stand right in front of the doors and refuse to move until prodded a couple of times with an insistent 'excuse me' when the elevator has stopped at a floor that is obviously not theirs and someone will probably want to get off? instead of staring at them in disgust i mentally note their ignorance and simply move on. or, the result of the 1:30am phone calls which is too upsetting for me to even go into? notice it...note that it's not my problem to solve or take care of, and move on from it. the fact that i am forced to sit by a coworker that i've come to despise in all their egotistical glory? note it one last time, forget about it and move on from it. i just don't care anymore...but the not caring? it doesn't come from a spiteful place anymore. it's a beautiful thing.

someone, somewhere, is in jail/the hospital/has suddenly had to flee the country or is dead

2006-05-12T16:18:00.000-07:00

when i explained to a friend today that i received not one, but two phone calls from a restricted number this morning at 1:30am they said to me, in an attempt to be reasonable, that possibly it was a wrong number. the caller might have dialed twice just to be sure. possible. another friend, also in an attempt to be reasonable, suggested that maybe it was simply a fluke. a fluke? my cell phone wanted to get a jump on wishing me a good morning? without saying anything my only thought was (honey, you didn't believe that when your boyfriend said it and you want me to believe it now?). there's one problem with either of the above suggestions. i. am. not. reasonable. if you know me at all, you already know this. considering this: if you have my phone number and you give even half a good goddamn about my mental health, DO NOT call me at odd hours of the morning without at least leaving a message so that i don't have to wake up and freak out.

suck some toes

2006-05-11T15:52:00.000-07:00

1. Life is suffering; 2. Suffering is due to attachment; 3. Attachment can be overcome; 4. There is a path for accomplishing this. i get it, so thank you for that. i should also thank you for reminding me that i don't have to care. it's liberating, this thought. i get it. i live in the moment; i don't have to worry about the future and what was ever the benefit of worrying about the past anyway? -you represented an issue; that's all you ever were. your personality, or lack thereof, was of no consequence really. isn't that all most people are anyway? chances brought to us for a reason. it's just that the awful people/chances don't go away until we figure out what the hell they were brought there for in the first place. even if their physical presence is gone, they still don't go away until it's all figured out...they hang around like bad breath. you, are like bad breath. a whole lot of stink and not much else in the way of substance...this explains all the hiding behind selfishness, ego, clothing. people hate it when they know that someone can see right through them...maybe that's why you couldn't be kind to me or be honest with me or in any way direct with me. maybe that's why all the game playing and head messing. maybe it's just that simple. basically, you sucked. fitting, then that i apply my newfound theory (shared by a friend) of turning you into an X. a huge, black X. a huge nothing. you can't possibly be in my brain or in my thoughts because you're a huge X. that's it. i might have some more X'ing to go...you have the distinct pleasure of being the first. i refuse to think of these people anymore (because i assure you, there are ample examples). my energy and my time are my own and i won't give them away anymore to those that don't deserve them. fascinating, the amount of spirit and energy we can waste on people that aren't even around anymore.

the war on cheese snacks

2006-05-10T12:32:00.000-07:00

ban the hot cheetos-please. listening to NPR the other day (all things considered-my fav. because they talk about odds and ends type stuff) on my drive home and somewhere in between the I-5/I-90 interchange and the express lanes on-ramp i heard the term hot cheetos. my interest was immediately peaked. a story about extruded cheese snacks? really? apparently this fiesty little snack has become a bit of a problem with school age kids. it's been banned in many districts. there are articles all over the internet. in the event that you are unfamiliar with what these look like and would like to be aware should you unknowingly come upon them please see the following: be careful...please. i hear they're highly addictive. keep in mind folks, these are the same 5th and 6th graders that are bringing pot/crack/meth to school. but we're concerned about spicy cheetos. the schools themselves serve those same children (who are now thankfully being protected from wayward cheeto dealers) what, in most cases, could be considered nothing more than warmed up lard. but we're concerned about cheese snacks. there is not one thing on this entire planet that makes sense.

shoes vs. comb-overs

2006-05-08T12:00:00.000-07:00

while returning from my first break today, the gentlemen that happened to walk in the elevator after me had one of the most awesome comb-overs that i’d yet had the pleasure of seeing up close. my very first thought was ‘holy god i’m glad i never have to worry about that happening to me’. however, as we passed the 2nd floor and then the third i started to think of a few more reasons why i thank the universe that i was blessed enough to have been born without that pesky ‘y’ chromosome that seems to screw so many things up. the following are the top ten that have been narrowed down from many: **1 comb-over. i believe that was clarified above in a sufficient manner. **2 at almost any hour of the day the likelihood that i will smell better than a man is fairly high. **3 pups respond much better to a female’s voice over a male’s. **4 my feet are much more aesthetically pleasing. **5 being a female, at a young age i was probably instilled with a much higher capacity to treat others with consideration, respect and sensitivity. **6 if (god forbid) i gain weight as i age it will most likely refrain from resting only in my mid region; in other words i probably won’t be stuck with a huge, hairy beast sticking out from my belly. **7 if my back grows hair it looks like fuzz and is considered cute. **8 being bitchy is no longer called being bitchy. we call it assertiveness now. **9 i have a profound appreciation for the finer things in life...shoes. (so...those are actually my shoes too) **10 i know without being told that it’s never acceptable to answer another phone when someone is discussing something very important with you.

counting

2006-05-07T13:09:00.001-07:00

# of times have cried today: 2 # of times have been hit in the face with a stray stress ball while minding own business at work: 1 # of times have looked in the mirror at my wild hair (that i don't have the motivation to do anything with lately) and hated it: 3 # of times have wondered what the hell it is that i do so wrong when it comes to the opposite sex: approx. 25 # of times have felt broken: approx. 50 # of cigarettes smoked: 5 # of hateful thoughts: too many to count

i know this much is true

2006-05-06T12:22:00.000-07:00

-it is ridiculous that people make too many loads of money off of writing books which simply tell people the obvious. (or maybe not, as a friend pointed out to me today, seeing as how people are truly adept at deluding themselves) -it is ridiculous that my life has become one of those books. because, if you're talking to your boyfriend about the status of the relationship and how it's important to you that someone is excited enough about marrying you to do something about it but said boyfriend is answering their cell phone during the conversation and can't even listen to what you're saying...he's probably just not that into you. -i can count on one hand the amount of people in my life that truly listen to what i have to say. i've found that my life seems to be inundated with people that talk over me. -one of the only things lately that makes me truly happy is the garden in my rented backyard.

hip-ster: n. slang, One who is exceptionally aware of or interested in the latest trends and tastes, especially a devotee of modern jazz.

2006-05-03T11:57:00.000-07:00

rather, that's what it used to mean. nevermind the fact that yet another term that used to have at least some actual meaning has been taken and drug into the ground of the 21st century. nevermind the fact that it's just one more social bandwagon for people to jump on in order to identify themselves/hide because god forbid they put any original thought into who or what they really are. what really gets me going is the hair. exhibit A: um...excuse me? did you lose an eye in a freak sandbox incident as a child and are too embarassed to let anyone see? exhibit B: on what planet do they have the right to rename the mullet and call it cute?

on the off chance that you are reading this and saying to yourself 'what the...', do a simple google image search for hipster. if that still doesn't clarify it, take a walk around the streets of seattle. make a day of it. although, make sure you visit the city of ballard first. traditionally known for the ballard locks, golden gardens (our favorite place to smuggle booze into as adolescents), a healthy smattering of norwegians and an even more healthy smattering of organic markets...it is also, as i was told today, the place where hipsters go to die. which is sadly unfortunate as i used to really appreciate what ballard was about...it's where my ancestors hailed from before it turned into a hipster graveyard (yes, we're norwegian...uff-da, lefsa and all that jazz).

at any rate, if you do happen to make it to ballard be sure to look for the following (please be sure that you use the links for further photographic assistance if necessary):

A. any variation of the hair referenced above (and/or hair that is intentionally mussed). p.s. it's no mistake that i chose leonardo dicaprio even though by definition he is not a "hipster". B. a facial expression that subtly screams 'i'm way too hip for you...but i don't even care about that'. C. any variation of the hair above + stock facial expression + parliament cigarettes. D. any combination of the above found in a hole in the wall, back-alley bar drinking PBR. E. trucker caps. F. any dated t-shirt displaying a symbol with which the wearer couldn't possibly have any connection with. G. shoulder-strap messenger bags.

i could go on, but why?

to begin to sum up i would like to reference the following blurb courtesy of the onion:

Two Hipsters Angrily Call Each Other 'Hipster' March 29, 2006 Issue 42•13 AUSTIN, TX—An argument between local hipsters Dan Walters and Brian Guterman has devolved to the point where each is angrily calling the other "hipster," those close to the pair reported Monday. "Hey, hipster! Here's 12 bucks—why don't you go get yourself a bucket of PBRs at the Gold Mine?" Walters, 22, is said to have told Guterman, 22, invoking the name of a local bar known for its "poseur" clientele. "Whatever you say, scenester," Guterman allegedly replied. "Don't you have a Death Cab For Cutie show to be at right now?" Acquaintances of Guterman and Walters trace the long-running conflict back to high school, when they reportedly threw pencils at each other and argued about who was more "emo."

although...nothing really says it better than this...

p.s. if you feel the way i do then you might also appreciate this...http://www.hipstersareannoying.com/

yes, it's from the bible

2006-05-02T10:36:00.000-07:00

7There is that maketh himself rich, yet hath nothing: there is that maketh himself poor, yet hath great riches. (proverbs, 13) was talking with t (my new friend that resides upstairs in my rented house) one day and she had mentioned that when she's at work at night she often listens to audio books on her ipod. specifically, the bible. she started telling me about proverbs, which while being part of the bible, deals more with philosophies of living. she mentioned that she would be happy to burn some of it onto cd if i wanted to listen to it. at the time my consent was given mostly out of manners. really, i didn't think she would actually get around to it. but she did...and i've been listening to it. no, i have not gone off the religious deep end (nor do i plan to) but i do have to admit that on the normally mundane, crazy-making drive to work in the morning, it's nice to have something sort of "enlightened" to listen to. it's nice to be taken somewhere else in my brain rather than the short-lived fantasy that i usually indulge in wherein my front bumper makes direct contact with the shmuck in front of me who would rather take in the scenery on either side of i-5 than actually drive on it. i think i understand what people are searching for in religion and faith. the amount of times i have thought to myself in the past 28 years of how nice it would be for someone to tell me what is going to happen to me are too many to estimate. the fact that we don't have access to those types of answers is probably easier to swallow if it's taken with a healthy dose of god. i see the security that people are probably searching for which is similar to what i happen to be searching for at the moment. i see where it appeals to people. it provides an answer of some type to all those human questions that we all ask at some point: i.e. where am i going? what am i supposed to do when i get there? what the hell am i doing here? who should i surround myself with? who should i love? how long should i wait for them (okay...so that's just my own human question)? 8 He that getteth wisdom loveth his own soul: he that keepeth understanding shall find good. (proverbs, 19).