AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: packing day DATE: 3/30/2006 12:13:00 PM ----- BODY:
not to be confused with moving day. oh dread of dreads. no, that abhored event happens tomorrow. packing day. the day i realize with a sickening horror that my home was not actually as clean as i had previously duped myself into thinking (evidenced by the odd discoloration that becomes visible when i take my refridgerator magnet collection down...and the dust rings that make themselves known when i move odd articles that apparently have not been moved in months). also the day i wonder what i could possibly live without to avoid having to box it up and carry it into my next life. the day i pledge to avoid buying so much crap during the next chapter of residence. finally, the day i will spend at least 10 whole hours kicking myself in the head for not saving enough money to rent movers (everytime i move, while in a sweat drenched, back-aching haze, i promise myself that i will do this next time. this has yet to happen even once in the 9 times i have moved during the past 8 years). a few things rear their unattractive head on this day: +i am the worst of the worst when it comes to procrastinating. and you would have exhibits A & B of this fact if my computer saved image files correctly. +sadly, even an entire pot of coffee is not enough to motivate me into an acceptable amount of action in my life. +if laziness were a crime i would be locked away for life with no opportunity for parole with the rest of the unproductive souls in this world. you might ask why blogging if i'm laden with so many things to do. see the first item on my list of what becomes evident for the answer to that one...

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: i almost met my demise this morning...or so i thought at the time DATE: 3/29/2006 07:09:00 PM ----- BODY:
i'm not kidding. 12:44am=sensation of burning creeps its way into my dreams. can't quite recollect what the dream intailed, but i'm positive something was burning in it...namely me. 12:50am=having tossed myself around a few times (unsuccessfully i might add. ever tried to 'toss & turn' in a bed overflowing with heavy sleeping canines?) open eyes and realize that nausea has set in. nice. 12:52am=try to ignore the fact that my chest feels as if it's in flames & attempt sleep. 12:53am=fail. 12:54am=drag delirious self out of bed & down the hall to the haven of all havens when things feel generally bad...bathroom. 12:56am=kneel down on stone cold floor (taking care to lay down a towel for improved kneeling comfort) & drape self over toilet. 12:58am=contemplate whether or not i'm too young to have a heart attack. fail to throw up (sorry...it's what happened) and cry a little for being denied even that little bit of relief. 12:59am=decide that if i actually was having a heart attack my arm would be numb or something. 1:00am=imagine a horror worse than a heart attack...food poisoning. 1:05am=imagine actually dying from the burning in my chest and someone having to find me draped over the toilet in my underwear. think for a moment about how humiliating a way to die that would be. 1:07am=contemplate calling 911. 1:08am=contemplate how freaked out my mother would be if i called her and screamed "i'm dying, please do something". 1:09am=decide not to call my mom. decide not to call 911. 1:12am=have epiphany. drag miserable, moaning self to the computer & wait an agonizing time for google to load (*&%$ing dial up!). 1:15am=find the answer i'm looking for under a useful search for indigestion. 1:17am=scour cupboards & upon finding TUMS, praise god. 1:25am=settle into cozy dog piled bed & drift off to sleep wondering why i'm so crazy that i have to freak myself out & imagine the worst possible scenario in every situation.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: who knew it would work out so well? DATE: 3/28/2006 09:33:00 PM ----- BODY:
the yard itself caused my heart to twitter a bit. complete with pond (yes, there are real fish in it), cozy deck, quaint little bench swing, REAL grass, and a great big privacy fench to keep the world out. i say REAL grass, because the closest i've come to my own grass in the past few years are the patches of moss in the back of my apt. right now. *pauline*, who i'm taking the place over from, was there this evening to show me around. she turned out to be a wee, small english woman...completely adorable. i walked in the place & i really think my jaw might have dropped (hopefully she didn't see it & think me a freak...dropping jaws over a basement). in my apartment drenched perception, it was enormous; bigger than any space I'VE ever had. walk-in closet...nifty brick walls (did i just say nifty?). full kitchen (since the ad claimed "mother-in-law" apt., in a sick way i was sort of expecting a hot plate or something on the counter)...gigantic storage space. after *pauline* had finished showing me around i exclaimed how much i loved it; she looked almost relieved. she said she was positive that people must have thought i was just "mad" (in that english way) for not having even seen a place that i was already paying for. i suppose 'mad' is a good way to capture the wide-eyed stare coupled with a well-meaning nod that most people have given me in the last few weeks after learning of my plan. hah! i didn't make a bad decision...i made a perfect one for the first time in a looong time. i mean...the walk-in-closet just explains it all. oh...and in case you like cutesy little swing benches like i do, here's my new one...

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger kay-see DATE:3/29/2006 10:35:00 AM Wow, Kelly. This place is really cute, and of course, I'd love to come over and drink daquiris on your lawn! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Kelly Bean DATE:3/29/2006 10:49:00 AM are you kidding? once i'm settled the first thing i'm going to do on a nice day is invite my friends over so i can serve frosty beverages to them. i'm glad we had the same idea. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger shoewhore76 DATE:4/01/2006 06:23:00 PM Kell-YEE!

Fabulous place! Congrats to you on the move to a place that will make you super happy. Here's to positive Feng Shui!! *Cheers*

- Randi ----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: e e cummings DATE: 3/24/2006 09:33:00 PM ----- BODY:
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling) i fear no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet) i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: i remember DATE: 3/14/2006 10:49:00 PM ----- BODY:
a time when it wasn't frighteningly easy for me decide to walk away from people. i used to have to do it every now and then just like everyone else in the world...it's just that i never used to make a snap decision to do so at break-neck speed only to get upset and regret it later. i'm all for self-preservation but also realize that there is a middle line somewhere. previously i lived on the complete opposite side of the spectrum and apparently have now swung so far to the other side that i can't even see the middle line anymore. a time when forgiving someone came easier to me. saying last week that i hadn't been sick in a long time and feeling happy inside. good job me. now i'm sick. when i wasn't really aware that i had issues. yes, it was a really long time ago. that saturday morning cartoons used to be a lot more entertaining than they are now. how good it felt to not be sick...because it was yesterday. that i used to actually eat breakfast. being so little that the thought of being the age that i currently am caused me to stand there and blink a lot because it was something so far away i couldn't comprehend. now i'm here.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: there is a pool full of asshats in ballard now DATE: 3/09/2006 10:44:00 PM ----- BODY:
this evening we spoke about anger. that word that in the english language actually consists of five letters but that for most of my life has been a four letter word. angry. anger. that emotion that, if not resolved sometime soon, will cause me to stroke out by the age of 50. she asked me to pick a person that i'm angry at and describe what i thought of them. i did as she asked and after i did she parroted the words i had chosen while jotting them down. "selfish...childish...fearful." and then, while leaning towards me questioningly, "ass what"? "asshat". which caused such a round of laughter for her that she cried a little. i entertain my therapist. awesome. but then we continued on to make the pool of anger. i think she might have actually created a makeshift pool with her pen for the names we put in there. all it can take is one person to set off anger that has been shoved down and compacted. one person and one event that by itself really didn't mean anything, but when compounded with everything else can cause one to pull out all the other pieces of anger like scarves that never end in a magic trick. the magic trick was her metaphor. mine was clowns...endless clowns exiting a car. then, because we both thought it was so funny it became asshats exiting a car. once the first asshat makes it out, all the others follow. so commences the [angry letter] portion of therapy. i have two weeks to produce at least one to show her. my prediction is that i will over achieve and write all of them. we're starting with angry letters because i just don't think i'm ready for kick boxing yet. on a side note, i shared with her the dreams i have had the unfortunate pleasure of dealing with as of late. she suggested that maybe this was positive...that my subconscious was starting to assist with the process of resolution. she also shared that she regretted having failed to warn me after the last time i saw her that the dreams might happen. yes...in hindsight a warning might have been helpful.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Nate DATE:3/27/2006 04:15:00 AM What is it with you and the asshats. They seem to follow Ke-ri around everywhere.

Sorry about my weirdness last night on the phone - I was BEYOND drunk. Had to be assisted home. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: lessons in tone & pitch DATE: 3/08/2006 05:51:00 PM ----- BODY:
in the span of 4th grade to my 20's i was part of a triad. in music a triad is defined as a chord of three tones, especially one built on a given root tone plus a major or minor third and a perfect fifth. in my relationships it can be defined as a group of three curly-haired girls who were once (mostly) inseparable. any reason for separation was short lived and usually over something insignificant enough to be forgotten after a few days...or hours. i like to think of peanut, in her strong determined way, as the given root. piglet, in her kindness and loyalty would have been the perfect fifth. i would have alternated between a major and/or a minor third; most of the time a minor as i wasn't always the most confident. we were almost perfect friends. we remain friends although as with everything time and age has changed the dynamics of our relationships with each other. we are no longer inseparable as a group of three. we are also no longer curly-haired. in grade school and middle school it wasn't just insignificant issues that caused friction. nothing at all could cause a rift of epic proportions; rather it seemed epic when we were pre-teen just as everything else did. the dynamics that rift caused could have been called nothing short of a pubescent social experiment. we formed alliances...we regrouped...we negotiated without knowing it. see, at that age we didn't have a good grasp on boundaries. had we not made it all together from where we started, i doubt any of us would have made it together at all. there's no way, for example, that the root tone and the perfect fifth could have chosen to not be so close, but still be able to get together now and then with a minor or major chord with enough maturity to cooperate. some of us did grow apart, but not before learning a thing or two about life and people. even at times when the root tone and i were angry with each other, we were still able to act with maturity for the most part. it didn't become a game of who can sing and who can't. sometimes, though, people can get to the age of almost 30 and never learn this very important lesson...that our relationship with one, does not necessarily have to leak into our relationships with others. unfortunately some of us don't learn boundaries.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: ok...so i'm not good at blogs yet DATE: 3/08/2006 08:51:00 AM ----- BODY:
i was going to post all the pictures i've gotten of my new place but apparently i'm not good enough at this yet to do that successfully. trust that it's cute, cute. not to be forgotten are the yard and walk-in-closet that i've never had the pleasure of experiencing in a place that i've rented on my own. i heart it...although i have yet to see the inside for myself. i'm not nervous though (what i am nervous about are the people who live upstairs that i have yet to meet). and on a side note, in the process of being emailed leases and faxing them to people and sending checks to france, i finally got to put good use to one of the most frivolous sights i've run across http://www.1-800-translate.com/machine_trans/. landlady is currently living in france. once the lease was signed and faxed, i got to title my new email fini.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: "to the moon, alice" DATE: 3/07/2006 09:29:00 PM ----- BODY:
The bill, carrying a penalty of up to five years in prison, would make it a felony for doctors or others to perform abortions. "The bill, carrying a penalty of up to five years in prison, would make it a felony for doctors or others to perform abortions. Bartling and other supporters noted that the recent appointment of Justices John Roberts and Samuel Alito make the Supreme Court more likely to consider overturning Roe v. Wade. President Bush, a Republican and an abortion foe, might also have a chance to appoint a third justice in the next few years, they said. Opponents argued that the measure was too extreme because it would allow abortions only to save the lives of pregnant women. They said abortion should at least be allowed in cases involving rape, incest and a threat to a woman’s health." if there is a heaven i wouldn't be surprised in the slightest if all the people in our history who had ever fought for anyone's rights is seriously pissed off right now. say hello to the dark ages guys and gals cause we're heading full speed ahead right back into them again. i do need to add that i am not an unreasonable individual. on some levels i can understand where the belief that abortion is morally wrong comes from...saving babies, life begins at conception, blah, blah, and blah. the particular pro-lifer wackos in south dakota went way too far though. if there is a line they stepped over to the dark side of it...they might as well legalize rape and incest in that state at this point. of course, they did say that emergency contraception was still acceptable. pure generosity. let's take a look at the facts: "Combined ECPs reduce the risk of pregnancy by 75 percent if started within 72 hours of unprotected intercourse. For example, eight out of 100 women will become pregnant after having unprotected sex once during the second or third week of their cycles. But only two out of 100 will become pregnant after taking ECPs. Progestin-only ECPs reduce the risk of pregnancy by 89 percent if started within 72 hours of unprotected intercourse. Only one woman out of 100 will become pregnant after taking progestin-only ECPs." [© 2005 Planned Parenthood Federation of America, Inc.] 72 hours. how many 13 year olds who are victims of incest do you think are going to make it to a clinic in time to take advantage of that? as for the unfortunates who are forced at gun point, knife, or with fists? "Sexual assault is one of the most underreported crimes, with more than half still being left unreported." [© RAINN 2005] if more than half of us after being attacked like that don't feel safe enough to report to 'officials' i wonder how many are too humiliated by what some domineering asshat did to them to find a clinic. it is a sad pathetic day and if i had been a resident in south dakota at the time this was passed i would have blown up the capitol and then moved to montana. please excuse me while i go make dinner in bare feet and scrub the floor on my knees.

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