Labels: Bastard Corporations, Daily
----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:
DATE:10/03/2006 08:26:00 PM
Did i do the give you $100 if you quit thing? I know i did it with a couple other people and it gave just a bit more incentive. The deal is no smoking for six months and i'll give you $100. Just throwing my hat into your ring, love, p
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR:
Kelly Bean
DATE:10/03/2006 10:09:00 PM
Are you serious? I know you're not the type to play with me like that. Really? Do you know what that is? That's $100 towards my student loans...really.
DATE:10/04/2006 08:32:00 AM
Of course i'm serious.Labels: Daily
----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: Seriously? DATE: 9/27/2006 11:45:00 PM ----- BODY: A) If I sent you an email within the past three days and you didn't think it was appropriate to even respond at all...you can suck my toes (toes was actually the nicest out of all the body parts I came up with as options). B) Although the Mariners lost the past two nights...I had a fun time watching them lose. Why? 1b) It was the second "date" J and I have been on this week. :)
(So, yah...it was actually taken upside down and I rotated it, so it looks odd.)
2b) Second reason? It's always fun watching them wreck the place as one of the 5 trillion fly balls this evening hit the KOMO sign...
3b) The picture says it all (please note...I wasn't trying to get a picture of Sexson adjusting himself...I was just trying to get the picture is all)...
C) I think my mom was right...I'm shrinking. Oddly enough, I think I'm shrinking even while I struggle to quit smoking. It has to be the stress, it's the only answer. My stress is eating me alive.
D) So...Queen Anne here I come (provided my Dad can float me $600 until next Friday). Apt. guy called me today to confirm that as long as everything on my app. checks out (which it will considering that I'm not a felon/pedophile/lease skipper), I'm first in line to get that apt. I've been running around for all week. Why am I so excited to move into an apt. where you pass the kitchen in the hallway on the way to the bedroom? Because it's right. in. the. middle. of. Queen. Anne. Right in the middle. Like I can walk a few blocks to the Seattle Center, middle. Or, I can walk to the 500 quaint little restaurants on 1st, middle. Or, I can take a jaunt to Key Arena, middle. I don't care that I have to pack away or get rid of, 75% of my belongings because they just won't fit. I don't care that it's something for my parents to bitch at me about because my car might get broken into or it's dangerous down there or it's 15 minutes farther than I am now or what am I going to do if I need something from someone (you'd think I was moving to Billings, MT...but I know it's coming). I don't care that I can't really entertain because there's really nowhere to put anyone. I don't care that the apt. I'm lusting after would fit into my current place three times. I so want to be there.
Highlight of my day? Toss up between finding out that I pretty much have the green light to move to the heart of Seattle and watching the M's lose.
----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: dogishness DATE: 9/25/2006 10:41:00 PM ----- BODY: ++excited to go to class this evening as i missed last week's. this is the class we're told that there will be a quiz in every night on the previous week's chapters (hello six million chapters read over the weekend). i thought nothing of this. *quiz* to me is like 15 questions...20 tops. i don't know that i'm alone in this impression either, of course i could be wrong. 50 questions it turns out to be. 50 questions on existentialism and humanism and rogers and gestalt and therapy that runs together so closely because they all begat each other that you really don't know who's who. 50. that's, like, a test. is it not? not to mention that they were the type of sneaky questions where there really could be about 4 different right answers. so sneaky in fact that i was tempted to stand up, point at my professor and accuse her of sabotage. although, that was nothing compare to the hellstorm i walked into when i got home... ++so, i'm an asshole and i forgot to put the key under my mat so my sister could let sadie out. my mom called me about 5 min. before class to tell me that my sister couldn't find the key. for a second i didn't really get it until i replayed in my mind, my rush out the door this morning where i didn't put the key under the mat. shit, hell and everything else. i couldn't concentrate the entire class because i imagined that maybe she was dying a doggie suicide at home due to her misery at having been let out in so long. although, no prior bad-dog episodes of hers could have prepared me for what i walked into. i suppose that she probably took a running jump to actually get up on the kitchen counter since the garbage was knocked over (the garbage that is on the counter in the first place so that she won't get frisky and knock it over), the cat food eaten and my entire dish drying rack knocked over onto the floor (with all the dishes having impacted at 100mph by the looks of it). i cursed myself for the stupidity of having coffee last weekend because coffee grounds had snowed everywhere. after a moment of staring dumbly at it all i started cleaning it up and realized that i now have only two plates (exceptionally sad since they were disappearing even before this and i can't figure out for the life of me where they went). i couldn't even get mad at her really...i would have torn everything to hell if i was her too. although i must admit i was shocked to find even the fish food empty...so shocked in fact that i forgot myself for a second and after picking up the package carcass off my bedroom floor, looked at her and said out loud really, as if she might actually have answered. although... ++there is absolutely nothing (nothing) in the world that beats the fact that today i successfully bullied an apt. rentor into allowing me to interrupt his personal, peaceful meeting at a coffee joint in queen anne in order to give him a deposit check so that the one apt. i found that had everything i was looking for right now wouldn't get rented. nice. sometimes it pays to be a never-take-no-for-an-answer brat. $615/month, in queen anne (minutes away from school AND work), new carpet, allows sadie in all her bulk to live there, available now and best of all...is not the basement of a house where all winter i would awaken daily to fight a war with spiders. and, yes, i realize that dogishness is not a word.
Labels: Daily, Dogishness, School
----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: until it's not red anymore DATE: 9/23/2006 01:39:00 PM ----- BODY: yesterday i reached the red zone of stress. it's possible that for a moment or two, i may have peaked into the black zone (cause, really, what's the next logical step after red?). after waltzing around in the precarious orange zone for weeks now (& ignoring it), it makes sense that it would only take one, single thing to tip the scales. it started when i got home yesterday to find the cable box on the house wide open with cable ends sticking out all willy-nilly like dead tree branches...not good. no internet=no access to online class. it could only follow that i would go inside to warily check my internet and find that, yes, it was no longer connected. to my detriment i automatically assumed that the new neighbors upstairs must have tried to hook their cable up to mine and therefore screwed it all up. i'm pretty positive that i immediately got that tense look on my face that can be sort of scary to anyone that is witness to it. tense look in full effect and the garbage bill in tow that i needed them to pay i knocked on their door. i've never spoken to these people with the exception of one time that i saw the wife in passing across the yard only to exchange a brief 'hello'. the poor husband opens the door to an uptight look on my face, demands for payment of said garbage bill and what i can only imagine must have sounded like veiled accusations that they went at the cables with reckless abandon while i was not at home. to his credit, he either didn't notice this or is a very understanding man because he quickly diffused the situation by explaining that yes, if i need the internet for school it is very important and that it is most unfortunate that the comcast representative whose task it was to set up their cable earlier in the day had no concern at all for mine. oh. in retrospect i must have had crazy (you might remember her) in check because he kindly offered me the use of his internet if i needed it for something until they fixed it. all might have been fine had my plans for the evening stayed in tact rather than crumbling all over as well. and that's when it happened. it's sort of like that rush you get on a roller coaster, or, if you've ever been in one, a racecar about 1 second after the gas pedal is floored, only it's not exhilerating or fun. your thoughts race something like this: my mother is going to make me feel guilty because i can't do what i was supposed to do with her tomorrow since i have to wait for the comcast guy now i have tons of homework to finish and not enough time to finish it i have six chapters to read by monday night and i have to take a test i have to find somewhere to move to because i can't afford to stay where i'm at because i'm not working any overtime because i'm going to school but i can't find anywhere to move because apt. managers keep telling me that it's a horrid time to try to find something to rent and i'm doing it all by myself and the brakes are going bad on my car and i'm trying my best it's not that i'm being a victim or making things harder than they have to be it's just a lot of stuff all at the same time and i just want to smoke a ton of cigarettes. like that. if you're me, your mother calls at the exact moment that you're freaking out, unable to breathe, sort of forgetting where you are and the next half hour is spent spilling over into the phone, crying, while she tries to calm you down. somewhere during that conversation you're sort of brought back to earth by her offer to come over if you need her to which helps you realize exactly how much you're freaking out. also if you're me, because there's nothing else you can think of doing and something must be done, you go on a walking rampage around the neighborhood. you walk when it’s almost pitch black dark out even though you’re a little wary of the boogeyman (who in this case is male, has no face yet, is taller and stronger than you). you walk until the crazy leaves your eyes and you are out of the breath it would take to cry anymore...until the dog next to you has obviously had enough of walking. you walk until the adult takes over again. i need to slow down and take things one at a time...really. i need to do things like drink tea and schedule quiet time. if i don't, my mother will be right about yet another thing...that i won't be as successful as i want to be at all this. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR: Marion McCready
DATE:9/23/2006 05:08:00 PM
oh dear sounds like a bad day, when I reach that point of the red cloud decending over me the only thing I can do is lie down and try and sleep it off. Dealing with one thing at a time is definately the way to go, and you're doing great so far.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR:
DATE:9/27/2006 10:36:00 AM
I'd say a white after red, cause everything gets the 'couldn't give a fuck' rubber stamp. Those little white spells don't last long enough...
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AUTHOR: Kelly Bean
TITLE: how my day went bad
DATE: 9/20/2006 06:32:00 PM
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BODY:
it started off okay-got up early-got to work early-got enough sleep. i'd only had one cigarette since monday evening and still felt okay this morning. pretty good day. but then (in no particular order)...
**i tried to fix the fact that my outlook doesn't auto-correct when i'm emailing at work...spent a good 45 minutes on it (as i have a tendency to fixate now that i'm trying to quit smoking) and still didn't get anywhere. no one could even help me that was sitting around me. i realize it is irrational but all that kept running through my head was you are old and you don't get technology anymore.
**i realized that my lease is up in november...meaning i have to be out before november 1st. !!why did i think i had the entire month!! my landlord was nice enough to offer to extend my lease until february but that means trying to make it through the holidays while going to school, hardly working any overtime and paying bills for a home instead of an apt. right.
**out of curiosity i did a quick search in seattle and all the surrounding areas that i would be okay living in. i. found. nothing. i mean nothing. plenty of places in ever-rot and kent and des moines and lynnwood. everywhere that i don't want to be. i had missed you for a couple of days stress...welcome back.
**i have been sort of sad ever since i got back from vacation...couldn't figure out what it was because i went away and had a good time and got to spend an extended amount of time with j. then finally it hit me last night. when i am at home, i wake up alone, i go to sleep alone, i eat alone, i walk my dog alone, i come home to be alone during the week. i am tired of it. i am in a relationship, and so it's almost laughable to me that i feel the loneliest right now than i have ever felt in my life. it is possible to miss someone too much...you can miss them so much, having missed them for so long, that you miss them even when you're around them which is actually how i felt some of the time this past weekend. you can miss them so much that every single tentative plan to spend time together (because plans can never really a sure thing anymore) that doesn't work out starts to feel absolutely heartbreaking. i was told it isn't possible to miss someone too much...it is.
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AUTHOR: Kelly Bean
TITLE: loaded question
DATE: 8/29/2006 07:30:00 PM
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BODY:
lunch with my dad today at taco del mar (awesome). in the spirit of common courtesy i start explaining to him why i'm so tired because when i'm as tired as i was today i resemble roadkill. i explain that i woke up at 3:30, couldn't sleep and decided to go into work...arriving at 4:30 (apparently, i've gone mad).
"what are you worried about?" he says, immediately.
i take a minute to think this over. i don't quite get it. i wonder if maybe during the explanation of why i'm so tired i mentioned being worried about something only to have forgotten about it in the millisecond it took him to jump in.
he explains that whenever he can't sleep it's usually because he's worried about something. ooohhh...i get it now. i think on what i might be worried about.
um...i don't know...EVERYTHING maybe? maybe i'm worried about the $19,000 i just signed away in order to further my education. maybe i'm worried that despite enough palpable enthusiasm to kill a small cat, i'm worried that i'll fail miserably. maybe i'm worried about the fact that everytime i bring up school to either parent, all they can do is worry me more about the money issue rather than just reiterating how excited they are for me and then promptly shutting up about it. maybe i'm worried that every single relationship that i've had thus far will turn out to be a failure. maybe i'm worried about my mom. maybe i'm worried about everything, daddy and it would be great if you could give me a hug and tell me it will all be okay.
never include the word 'worry' in an open-ended sentence that is directed at me. especially if you value your immediate emotional health.
appt. with dr. today too to discuss quitting smoking. after discussing a few options (of which, the patch & nicotine gum were not included as i grimaced when they were even brought up) we decided to put me on welbutrin/zyban/whatever they want to call it to market it to someone else for the next issue it helps with. the deciding factor? what insurance would and/or would not assist with which isn't even somethat that had really crossed my mind. bless him, it had crossed his.
"well, since you have a history of depression, i can write the rx for that and insurance will help...if i write it for smoking cessation you're on your own," he says. great. crazy comes in handy apparently...so, thank you self. and thank you aetna for being concerned about my motivation to improve my respiratory health.
hello drugs. i had missed you a bit. despite having gone through hell to get off of them a few months ago, here we meet again. it's really fine though. if this helps me quit, then so be it. people who care will support whatever i'm doing in order to quit smoking. those who don't can jump off a cliff. anyway-as my dr. pointed out today, maybe it's a good thing i'm choosing to do this now. it is recommended to stay on the meds for at least three months after quitting smoking...by that time it will be november, the beginning of the 'gray' season. so, if i find that i'm gray as well then, hey, i'm already taking care of that other issue. not to mention, that i was starting to worry what 5,000 lbs. of school related stress was going to do to my health.
so, pass me the drugs please and spare any judgment that might sneak its way in as a cleverly disguised side dish.
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AUTHOR: Kelly Bean
TITLE: a cozy place to hide
DATE: 8/20/2006 09:13:00 AM
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BODY:
points of interest:
>i cannot enjoy clubs in seattle anymore, at least not the way i used to enjoy them in younger years. a piano bar is gobs of fun, and i actually had fun for a while last night watching them play & hanging out with piglet. thing is-it was down near pioneer square, and apparently is THE place to have your bachelorette party/going away party/birthday party. by the time i had gotten my fill and was ready to go it was packed. packed like there was a half hour wait to get your tab kind of packed. i have noticed that in my late 20s i have developed a nasty habit of wanting to just go when i'm ready to go. i don't want to wait. i don't want to chat for a few more minutes. i don't want to share one last cigarette with anyone. maybe, if i was still enjoying them the way i used to, which was getting blitzed, it would be less painful because when i was ready to go it wouldn't bother me that it took an hour to get out of somewhere. sadly, i have grown out of that phase.
>it's time to seriously re-evaluate every single relationship in my life. it's time to stop giving more than i'm getting from people.
>i have had a sad weekend-and when i was taking that first sip of my latte this morning, i realized that i have quite forgotten to eat all weekend. really. i wasn't trying not to eat. and that's sad because as a result i'm quite irritable right now. i suspect that the whole 'i need to be on meds' thing is coming up again-i'm no longer just allowing things to roll off, i'm personalizing it all and it's making me sort of sick.
>i made it to work today in 10 minutes...seriously. from northgate to south of the dome. 10 minutes. very scary. (it became even more scary when i actually got down here and just about got out of my car to punch out the football a-holes that felt the need to come down here at 8:00 jamming up traffic with their thick heads).
>recently reconnected with an old friend that i had lost touch with a few years back. she is currently living in richmond which is south of here somehwere. in an email that i read this morning from her she invited me to come down if i wanted to some weekend to have a visit. it was all i could do to refrain from clocking out at work, going home to pack my bag and calling in sick for a few days in order to see my friend that i miss and hang out somewhere cozy. because i'm not feeling a whole lot of coziness around here lately. quite the opposite actually.
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AUTHOR: Kelly Bean
TITLE: what DO you do with a drunken pirate?
DATE: 8/15/2006 04:06:00 PM
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BODY:
there's many things you can do actually-there's an entire song about it, that i sang too many times this weekend (thank you gig harbor renaissance faire). personally if i was the drunken pirate my choice would be being strung up the mast of the ____ (insert any pirate ship name here). trust me...it's way better than any other option (being put in the bilge and made to drink it? ummm...ew!?).
**thank you colin, for the flowers. you are one of my best friends and i'm more glad than you know that we've kept each other around for 10 years.
**argosy university, today you allowed me to feel as if i'm not wasting my life away in a customer care center by accepting me into your psychology program. if it were possible to hug a school, i would have hugged you all day today.
**by the time i boarded the ferry for west seattle on sunday morning, i was just about pirated out (not to mention in bad need of a shower) but the renaissance faire was so fun and it was nice to spend some time with my mom & greg. the hours and hours that my mom and i spent making a dress paid off because i was cute:
as was everyone else:
we got to be the entertainment as our group was sort of 'under' another group as performers, so we sang songs on stage and shot off cannons to start everything off. absolute favorite? the troll that hung out under the bridge grabbing people's ankles as they walked by. sadly, my ankles never got grabbed however, at the prodding of my mother, i did get a picture with the troll (which, of course, refuses to load right now-if you head to my flickr badge below you can find it). it was so fun, i might even go back next weekend.
**it's only tuesday and i am facing three more days of sitting at home alone working on emails. i'm not quite sure i'm going to make it through. seriously. by about 1pm i'm ready to start knocking on neighbors doors just to be able to look into another human face for the briefest of moments (before they slam the door on me because i'm just staring at them with glazed eyes). i don't think working at home for an entire week is good for ANYbody.
things are okay right now.
Labels: Daily, Fun, School, Work
----- COMMENT: AUTHOR: K
DATE:8/15/2006 09:46:00 PM
Heh. I think you may miss us. Your desk is too quiet anyway, COME BACK!
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Kelly Bean
DATE:8/15/2006 10:08:00 PM
I do miss you guys. And as lonely & weird as it gets I'm just not willing to let go of the following things:
DATE:8/16/2006 09:11:00 AM
The Ren Faire looks like so much fun! So many people are natural performers that it's great to have such an interesting forum for it. You are way cute!
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Kelly Bean
DATE:8/16/2006 09:39:00 PM
My pat-someday you will have to come to one. I suspect you would have a raging good time.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Marion McCready
DATE:8/17/2006 07:05:00 PM
It sure looks fun, my husband would be sooo into that - I think he thinks he was born in the wrong century! I like your pretty flowers - it's so nice when someone buys you flowers though I'm normally good at killing them fairly quickly!
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Kelly Bean
DATE:8/18/2006 07:47:00 PM
Sorlil-It seems like maybe they would have those sort of festivals in the UK, no?
DATE:8/20/2006 04:22:00 PM
not often and they're normally held down in England - we get our Highland games instead!
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Marion McCready
DATE:8/20/2006 04:24:00 PM
oops the above anonymous comment should say 'sorlil said...'!
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AUTHOR: Kelly Bean
TITLE: run down
DATE: 8/06/2006 02:31:00 PM
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BODY:
-if you are now sort of my friend again after not being for so long, thanks. it's nice that there are positive thoughts to take the place of the negative. i needed that. things really do happen because they're supposed to and they happen at the exact time they're supposed to happen. the universe is nice that way because i realized recently that if one just lets go, the world does the hard part of it all.
-if you have sort of checked out in general & only have time for a new girlfriend-that's whack. that's like 7th grade whack...and i can say that because that's how i used to act at that age. not at this age.
-school, you can respond any time now. really. the fun part of the waiting is over-the newness of this part of the process has seriously worn off. i continue to feel like a slacker, and i owe it all to you.
-unbelievable, that you would have time to do actual activities with friends but not with me. that's even more whack than having friends that stop talking to you when they start dating someone. that's okay too though. i will find other people to do fun things with if i must.
-i'm completely over all the hydro hype. really. does seattle really need a reason to sit around all day and drink? blue angels that i can see from our window on the 4th floor (would have been even better if i could have made it out to lake washington for an up close view but that's ok, maybe next year)-yay. a bunch of drunks boating on lake washington & hanging out everywhere all day? no thanks.
that's all.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR:
DATE:8/07/2006 07:28:00 PM
Am i in another subset group? I didn't quite recognize myself but then again, it's possible. Let's make another date so i can get off the list if i'm on it! love you.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Marion McCready
DATE:8/08/2006 02:39:00 AM
friendship is a double-edged sword, my so-called best friends in the past have hurt me the most, now I have a few genuine friends which are worth more than all the 'best friends' I've had in the past, but I'm always cautious with how much of myself I share with other people and make sure I don't make myself too dependant on or vulnerable before a single person or a couple of people because it puts too much pressure on the friendship and it raises the stakes of them letting you down which ultimately they're bound to do through no fault of their own but because of unrealistic expectation on my behalf
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Kelly Bean
DATE:8/08/2006 11:40:00 AM
P-we covered this in email my dear. :)Labels: Daily
----- COMMENT: AUTHOR: elaine x
DATE:8/04/2006 02:18:00 PM
AMEN!!!!!!! Kelly Bean
DATE:8/04/2006 02:23:00 PM
It hurts you too?
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AUTHOR: Kelly Bean
TITLE: funny. ass. bitches.
DATE: 7/20/2006 12:38:00 PM
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BODY:
i forced myself to go to a birthday party last night. when i say forced-it's not that i had to force myself because of whose birthday party it was because, really, i just recently met her, but do absolutely love the girl. i say forced because it's become apparent to me that it is easier than i had first thought to slip back into the stage of desperately needing medication. i know because i almost went back this week in a moment of 'i-can't-handle-my-emotions-please-poke-my-eyes-out-so-i-don't-have-to-deal' weakness. no. i just. won't. do it. (sidebar: not to mention that by going-i got to wear the new sex kitten shoes.)
i had never been to the whiskey bar which is cleverly located in a prime people watching spot downtown on 2nd ave., complete with a cozy patio area outside & barrels for tables (yes, barrels...and they came in oh-so-handy when it came time to fold myself up in order to release all pressure on my aching feet-damn you shoes). nice to know it's there (yay for $1 PBRs)-nice to see cute V. having fun and all dressed up on her birthday-nice to meet new friends that i get an absolute kick out of.
we met A. as we walked in & upon being introduced to her i immediately thought, this is a genuine person. i appreciate this more than words can explain. when you are truly genuine, i know exactly what i am dealing with at all times-i know what you think-i know exactly how to interact with you. i liked her right off the bat.
i liked her even more when she started sharing her people watching game with me. i had mentioned how much i enjoy people watching especially now after developing my shoe problem since that's what i look at the most (regretfully-i judge them on the basis of their shoes as well...it's sick, i know).
"there's this game i play when people watching if you want to know about it," she says to me at one point. game? i like games.
"so, when you see someone walking down the street, you have to guess what type of music they listen to based on their appearance alone." this disappointed me. it was comically easy for one thing-rap/rock/punk, etc.-and certainly not a funny game. i said nothing of my disappointment though. i continued in my valiant attempt to see what was funny about it.
that is until we both looked at the same bohemian/hemp/long skirt-wearing youngish lady and she blurted out, "sarah mclaughlin". then i realized what was funny about it. (disclaimer: i enjoy sarah with all my heart and soul, so the posting of this was in no way a dig.) at that moment, i got her and seriously enjoyed her conversation and ended up laughing with her and piglet the rest of the night.
apparently she enjoyed the company of piglet and i equally as well as evidenced by a moment when a friend of hers showed up and casually asked what was going on. her reply? i've been hanging out and cracking up all night with these funny ass bitches. i'd never been called a funny ass bitch before...i quite enjoyed it. i responded in kind by telling her that i had actually thought that she was the funny ass bitch, not us (because i really had).
all the way home i congratulated myself on forcing my body out of the house to socially interact with others. i have a new friend-i got a little closer to another friend-i laughed and had a genuine good time for the first time in a while-i learned a new game...best of all, i brought my brain back from the hole that it had started to burrow and retreat to.
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AUTHOR: Kelly Bean
TITLE: cranberries {free to decide}-1994
DATE: 7/18/2006 05:11:00 PM
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BODY:
It's not worth anything more than this at all,
I live as I choose or I will not live at all
So return to where you've come from
Return to where you dwell
Because harassments not my forte
But you do it very well.
I'm free to decide...
And I'm not so suicidal after all
I'm free to decide...
And Im not so suicidal after all...
You must have nothing more with your mind to do
There's a war in russia and sarejevo, too
So to hell with what you're thinking
And to hell with your narrow mind
You're so distracted from the real thing
You should leave your life behind...
Im free to decide...
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AUTHOR: Kelly Bean
TITLE: shoe rape
DATE: 7/15/2006 10:47:00 AM
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BODY:
there is one thing that i imagine could cheer me up a bit in almost any situation (barring death or dismemberment) or at the very least allow me a moment of reprieve from troubles...shoes. new shoes. new expensive shoes. being on the V.I.P. list for fluevog has the potential to be very dangerous if one finds that they're troubled frequently lately.
for example, one gets invited to private parties held in their classy little store where they begin the seduction with a glass of wine and some great conversation. they know exactly what they're doing. they somehow get one to share that secret desire to die like amelda marcos...
before you know it you're trying on shoes, just trying, just to see...unique, beautiful shoes that hug your feet and can make even the most unmanicured toes look pretty. the worries of the day melt away a bit. it doesn't take long to break down-i dare any woman to say no in that situation. instead of date rape-it's shoe rape.
this is what broke me down:
i was no match for them. i know it's shameful. don't judge me.
(rational arguments: 1. they were on sale and 2. they are no longer making shoes with the broken leather.)
and no-the shoes did not mend a broken heart or reduce any stress or anything that would have been worthwhile. but just for a moment, it was oh so nice to live in that world for a while as a means to take a break from mine.
(and as for cheering me up a bit, it didn't hurt that as i was standing outside for a moment during the party i got a "damn you look goooo" from a dude walking down the street. it was the shoes.)
(also-the whole shoe rape thing? total exageration; i have a great fondness for the kids at the pine-or pike-store. i heart them.)
----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: a nameless shout-out or two...or a few DATE: 7/07/2006 12:52:00 PM ----- BODY: you all know who you are... ++it's so much better when you let me in a little-it reminds me of why i love you. i feel safe with you again. i feel like it might work this time. ++i'm so over where i work. that's all i have to say about that. ++at&t-if you were a person i would punch you in the face. ++never before in the years that i have known you so far have you not even had time to call me and connect for a few minutes-i've been ignoring it for some time now, but i have to admit that it hurts now. especially considering that my life has been incredibly busy as well and difficult things have been happening to me too. i'm sure that having two love relationships takes up a lot of emotion and there may not be much left for friend relationships...but no acknowledgement whatsoever? ow. ++washington state pharmacy board-you thought maybe you were being smart by wording this whole new 'you-don't-have-to-prescribe-if-you're-against-it' law for pharmacists by not actually mentioning what it's aimed at...maybe that was your way of avoiding claims of discrimination? good thing the women in this state know better. ++birthday parties with ex's in attendance? you are great fun considering who the birthday is for...however, i could do without the ex (and their mean wife) any day. ++roommate-it's all fine and great that you have a psychotic problem with the few stray sadie hairs that may linger in the washer after i do laundry...however, if you're going to have a panic attack at me about it you had better be beyond reproach, sweetie. beyond reproach means that you would actually need to clean out the lint trap everytime you do laundry. thank god summer is halfway over and we are that much closer to parting ways. ++bamboo...you are the bane of my existence this season. even 5 garbage bags thus far have not been enough to contain your droppings that you were inconsiderate enough to spread all over the yard. thank you for the before picture...let's just hope that i'm able to get an after picture prior to Sunday. please check this link if you need tangible proof of what i speak of. ++new pirates of the caribbean movie? think of me this evening as all the other movie attendees get to see you on your first day out. sadly, i will not be there even in street clothes-much less gussied up in costume like the rest of my pirate band will be this evening. ++pirate BBQ that i have planned-you are starting to stress me out. not kind at all. ++panties? why, rather than just stay where you are put, must you peek out on a daily basis causing someone, at some point, to alert me to your presence? ----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: strange how oddly fitting things like this can be DATE: 6/30/2006 10:04:00 AM ----- BODY: |
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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: fed up. completely and totally. DATE: 6/28/2006 05:50:00 PM ----- BODY: i don't really give a crap if this isn't entertaining, cute, funny, etc. entertaining others is not my life purpose, nor anymore is caring what others think (thank god). if you don't like it, don't read it. i've had it. with people, with my job, with my life. how long can one navigate through their life with one thing after another failing? it has to stop sometime, right? i literally believe that i am probably hanging on by a very thin thread. P.S. and P.P.S. and whatever ~~i've had it with people that act like children. because by the way, if you aren't mature enough to keep your personal life separate from your professional life enough to work successfully then you shouldn't be mixing it. if you aren't mature enough to address personal issues to someone's face like an adult would, then you probably aren't mature enough to work wherever you work. i am actually at the point where i am considering seriously, finding somewhere else to go...because i just can't take the drama that some people feel forced to create. ~~what is that goes on in men's brains that makes them think it's perfectly acceptable to treat women like show animals? because the whole stalking thing the other day has just eaten at me ever since. by the way, if it happens again to me i'm going to play the coy trick to lure them out of the car and then punch them in the mouth. ~~how can a car be unfixable? seriously. ~~who gets wireless internet (a.k.a. unreliable internet) for their HOUSE-for computers that don't move?? what kind of dumbass idea is that? ~~why, oh why, is everyone allergic to gluten all of a sudden. gluten allergies are the new pink in the medical world. it's like when they went off the deep end diagnosing a bunch of kids with ADD that really didn't, truly have it or need to be medicated for it. that's it...gluten allergy is the new ADD. ~~i fear that i may get to the point where i really don't want to participate in my life anymore. {positive side bar: thanks mad, for taking so much time to talk with me last night and bringing me back to earth. good, dependable friends are difficult to find. i've been lucky in the fact that i actually find one every few years and therefore have more than one good, dependable friend. way lucky. because i really feel like i'd be lost without them.} a man is placed upon the steps, a baby cries and high above the church bells start to ring and as the heaviness the body oh the heaviness settles in somewhere you can hear a mother sing then it's one foot then the other as you step out onto the road how much weight? how much weight? then it's how long? and how far? and how many times before it's too late? calling all angels calling all angels walk me through this one don't leave me alone calling all angels calling all angels we're cryin' and we're hurtin' and we're not sure why... and every day you gaze upon the sunset with such love and intensity it's almost...it's almost as if if you could only crack the code then you'd finally understand what this all means but if you could...do you think you would trade in all the pain and suffering? ah, but then you'd miss the beauty of the light upon this earth and the sweetness of the leaving. calling all angels calling all angels walk me through this one don't leave me alone... 'cause we're not sure how this goes -jane siberry ----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: overheating DATE: 6/23/2006 08:54:00 AM ----- BODY: funny thing that happens when i get upset about something now. i overheat. seriously. it happened yesterday and i even had a witness to it. i think it stems from trying to contain (not stifle-just control) emotions right now. i'm trying to find the perfect balance between using emotions in a positive way (allowing them to alert me to the fact that a situation is uncomfortable, etc.) and allowing them to control me. sometimes it's difficult, and i end up in a sort of brain daze whilst looking as if i have a badly sunburned face. overheating. P.S. `if you own a dog that snarls and charges at strangers, it probably shouldn't be out in public. if a dog scares me, that's saying a lot because i don't scare easily from dogs. it makes me angry because i've done everything that i'm supposed to do to be able to trust my dogs in public...those who don't (and probably encourage the anger in their poor canine friend) deserve a big fat punch in the face, and shouldn't own animals. {side note-these are the same people who will actually say with serious wonderment to a camera on the 5:00 news that they "never imagined" their dog was capable of killing a small child.} `if i am walking to my bus stop at 6:30 in the fucking morning, clothed totally normally (i.e. NOT looking like the kind of female inviting ogles) and you honk at me as if it's cute...be prepared to hear obscenities screamed at you and your mother for not teaching you to respect women. `i love you, but i will not apologize for my anger about where this relationship seems to be headed right now. i will not apologize for my anger at having been put second, and then eventually, last for a long time now. adults get angry sometimes (this is normal)...sometimes they slam car doors a little too hard in their anger. P.P.S. an adult reaction to other people's anger is not to sneak home without even telling someone that they did it, and then calling three million times at 2 in the morning after the sneaking off. i also will not apologize for your inability to deal with emotions. `i have 0 appreciation for straight males today. 0. not quite sure if it will come back either. 95% (note that i didn't say all) of you are so selfish/stupid/egotistical/immature/foolish that you squander and waste your chances at the things in life that are truly important until you realize too late (or never) that you have done so and have to settle for something less than. money? not important. success in a business world? not important. cars? not important. huge houses? not important. buying boats and boy toys? not important. nurturing the people that are supposed to matter to you and building relationships that are strong enough to hold you if the bottom drops out and all that 'stuff' disappears? more important than most of you will ever realize. one good thing that seriously made my eyes water a little? the answer that i got back this morning in response to my email asking if my dog could walk with me in the pride parade on sunday? "Absolutely! She’s part of your family! Looking forward to seeing you!" how much do i heart that person for making my morning and calming the overheated waters? immensely. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: it should have been obvious. DATE: 6/21/2006 09:22:00 AM ----- BODY: the amazing difficulty with which i have had to drag myself out of slumber for the past week could have told me something. my appetite rebelling against me could have been a sign. even the simple fact that it hasn't happened to me in some time now really should have clued me in. getting. sick. it started last night. in a vain attempt at self-delusion i thought that maybe i had been cleaning and had completely forgotten about it (i am regularly rewarded for my sometimes obsessive cleaning with something similar to hay fever). no. i awoke to a head full of fluff, runny nose and that nagging, stinging sensation in the back of my throat. unmistakable. damnit. it wouldn't really be that big of a deal were it a normal week. however, in two days i have to be fully prepared for raping and pillaging the small town of westport, WA (on second thought, please replace 'raping' with 'enjoying adult beverages'). rusty scupper days. no, i'm not joking. we're even mentioned on their website (that's us in bold): "We've had a great time meetin' n piratin' with all the other pirate crewes who have blown into town: The International Pirates of Seattle, WA; the Pirates of Ocean Shores, WA; Treasure Island Pirates of Seattle and the Beer Bard Privateers from Canada. All of 'em great pirates/people to have visit." i even have a way cute outfit outfit to wear too...
to get the true full effect, picture me in it with a red stuffy nose and ample luggage under my eyes from not being able to sleep at night.
argh.
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