AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: It was everything I had hoped it would be DATE: 10/09/2006 01:31:00 PM ----- BODY:
I have moved a total of 11 times since the age of 20 (that's an average of 1.375 times per year). I counted because it was brought to my attention that some people consider it humorous that I continually move-that I can't stay in one place for a myriad of different reasons that don't normally make themselves clear until the lease is about to expire. Okay. I'll give that one up...it is chuckle worthy that I'm a little crazy that way. I get my own dose of humor that people even find my craziness funny. As J pointed out, there always ends up being something unjustifiably wrong with a place that only months prior I was more than happy to exhaust myself (and others) in order to move into. But, um...there is usually something wrong by the time the lease is up-and it's not always my fault. At some point my residences do me horribly wrong. Case and point...
Move #1-Moved in with boyfriend to Lake Forest Park.
Move #2-Promptly broke up with boyfriend one month later and moved out, in order to move in with best friend in Edmonds.
Move #3-Moved out after becoming not so best friends, in order to move in with irresponsible male friend & messy male friend/ex to Shoreline (did I mention I made stellar decisions back then?).
Move #4-Moved out after 2 months in order to move in with new boyfriend (after dating for only 2 months) to North Bend.
Move #5-Two months later moved back home after new boyfriend assaulted our roommate causing them to move out & us to not be able to afford the house anymore...moved to my mom's house in Lake Forest Park. Had to move out shortly thereafter for all the obvious reasons.
Move #6-Moved to the first apartment that only I was responsible for (and would therefore keep) in Mountlake Terrace. Not really totally sure why I left there...it may have had something to do with needing to not be in a place that I was once terrorized by someone in.
Move #7-Moved in with next new boyfriend temporarily (consequently have kept said new boyfriend the entire time up until now) in Everett. Had to move out shortly thereafter because I wanted it to be a temporary thing only.
Move #8-Moved to yet another "my own apartment" in Edmonds. Had to move out because I had gotten a new job downtown and had grown tired of driving for eternity every day (I think they were going to significantly raise my rent as well).
Move #9-Moved on my own to Lake City which was somewhat closer to work. Had to move out because I didn't sign a very long lease & they were going to raise my rent.
Move #10-Moved to Greenwood because a)it was cheaper, b)it was a little closer to work, and c)it had a huge yard & tons of space (due to yard, was able to look past the fact that it was a basement, therefore dark...and had only a skinny shower stall rather than a bathtub). Had to move out because with the onset of fall it became even more dark in there as well as the fact that spiders began to move in on the house in droves (not to mention the skinny shower stall).
Move #11-Moved to Queen Anne where currently I am completely ass over tea kettle, in love. It is bright, it is in the middle of everything and there are people around and fun things to walk to and coziness and close to school/work and, and, and.
A bomb would have to go off in the building before I started to hate it at this point. And despite the sad fact that by the time J and I finally fell asleep last night the entire less than 500 sq feet looked like a war zone with how little I had gotten organized, I was frighteningly happy to be sleeping there...even in an ungodly mess. I would bet my dog that this new apt. will probably never do me wrong.
As you can see below, high school reunion was more fun than I allowed myself to think that it could be and I left it feeling happy that I had made the choice to do it...
The only low point of the weekend? Effing kiddie porn freaks get set free.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: As if it had swallowed me whole DATE: 10/02/2006 02:22:00 PM ----- BODY:
In 5 days I will be sleeping in downtown Seattle. My thoughts are consumed by this. I think it might be unhealthy. I can see the Space Needle's head from my apt. parking lot... I am so entirely excited by this whole moving thing that it has managed to push aside my anxiety over the sneaky-question "quiz" (that is really a test in a poorly constructed disguise) I have to take tonight. Thank you P, for the validation that a tiny fridge is perfectly okay (especially in light of the fact that I hardly ever have food in my large sized refridgerators anyway).

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: Tell Her What She's Won, Bob! DATE: 9/29/2006 07:55:00 PM ----- BODY:
I called it. It's really too bad that I don't get a prize for calling out how predictable my family is. Signed my lease today, so it's officially mine for a year at least. The signing of which got me all jazzed again (which was nice, after having sort of a down Friday). Almost immediately when I got home I started making a mental list of where things would need to go, what I would need to be rid of, and what I couldn't live without. It was decided, since it was free anyway, and belonged to a friend of J's, that the queen sized bed would go rather than me paying to store it (which would probably amount to a higher storage fee than if I just stored important boxes). My first mistake, was to be kind and generous by wanting to see if any family members would want the bed first, prior to giving it away to strangers. I curse myself for my kindness. Unfortunately, when I started by calling my sister, she happened to be at my mom's house with my nephew. Prior to realizing where she was I made the offer...almost as soon as she said she didn't need it, before I could scream at her to stop, she relayed to my mother that a bed was available if she happened to know anyone that would want it. If imaginations all of a sudden became real, I would have actually sunk into the ground, never to rise again. My day had gotten better...I was loving how much better it had gotten...I did not yet want to deal with the guilt that attempts to suck me in at breakneck speed after every single decision is made by me regarding my life (emphasize, my life). You would have thought that I had announced that I had decided to neverever have children, was having a sex change, was moving to Iceland, and on top of everything else, wanted to have a tail surgically implanted on my backside. Really. The pepper of questions that I overheard in the background from my mother really made me pity my sister at that moment. So, I bit...I made my second mistake by calling my mother in an attempt to damage control. I calmly explained that this was much better for me considering what I was doing with my life at the moment...it's five minutes from school, blah, blah, blah. Apparently, the issue that was causing the uproar of a household 10 minutes away, was the fact that I was giving away a bed that I didn't pay for. I'm not kidding. Her: Why do you have to give away all your stuff? Me: I'm not giving away all my stuff...my new apt. will not fit a queen sized bed & my futon. Her: Why can't you fit anything in it? Me: Because it's not a million square feet like my current place...it's downtown. Her: Isn't this the bed you paid for not too long ago? Me: No...it was free. Her: What are you going to do in six months when you need a bed again? Me: I signed a year long lease. Her: You didn't answer my question. Me: I'll worry about it then. Her: You're going to be able to afford a new bed in a year? I'll tell you now, you're not! Me: I'll worry about it then. I'm not worried about it and it's my problem, so you don't need to worry about it. Her: Who's going to take care of your dog when you need it? Me: No one will need to...that's the point of it. Her: How are you going to buy a new bed in a year? My brain: (Maybe I will win the lottery and I will buy 20 beds...maybe I will end up on the streets and a bed will be the least of my problems...I'm not going to stress out about what might or might not happen a year from now!) Me (because I get what the real issue is about): It's only 15 minutes away, mom, it's not as if I'm moving to Idaho. (translates into=I'm not abandoning you). Her: Yah...if you don't drive between 3pm & 5pm (translates into=yes you are). Me: I know, mom...I drive it twice every day right now (and I do my best to not go insane each time I do it during a weekday). Her: Whatever, I need to go now. (translates into=you've wronged me and I'm done with the conversation now because you're not going to change your mind). Me: Okay, I love you. Her: Bye. (translates into=I'm not saying that I love you in return because I'm going to punish you for not doing what I would have preferred). I sat quietly for a good ten minutes to stave off a fit of rage. Then I cried. I hate feeling as if someone is trying to control me, more than I hate anything else on this planet. I cannot live my life in a healthy manner, go to school successfully, keep my job at the same time successfully, and keep up my relationships with others successfully while bearing the burden of responsibility of whether someone else is happy or not...especially not a family member. Especially not my mother, who I am more grateful to than anyone for where I've ended up in my life. That is the irony of it, because what I have never had the nerve to say to her, but have always wanted to cry out in situations like this is, but this is what you taught me to do-to do what makes me happy and to use my independence in order to get what I want, and make different decisions than you did, but then you try to punish me for it. I am the only one out of three that is doing exactly what she raised me to do which is to not depend on others for what I want out of life, to set a goal and achieve it, to think myself worthy of being happy and to do what it takes to make that happen. I'm doing what maybe she doesn't realize she taught me to do...and she can see it only in what would be more tangible means such as "my daughter is married", or "my daughter is married and has two children" or "my daughter and her husband own a house now". I would give my left arm for her to see it as "my daughter is her own person, and capable, and I helped to do that for her". I know enough to know where she's at and why she does it. She's unhappy at this point in her life...she's unhappy to be ill, she's unhappy with some of the choices that have put her where she is (which I've known most of my life), and she's unhappy that she feels there's nothing she can do about it. Only instead of seeing it for what it is, it turns into a daughter that's deserting and going too far away, or another daughter that's making a bad choice...because it's so much easier to focus on what other people are doing wrong, than to focus on what we might be doing wrong. Although, I have to admit...it kills me a little inside to know that she's that unhappy, and that I can't do a single thing in the world to change that for her. At the very least, I understand the dynamics of this situation, so I don't have to get angry with her...and I've done my best to help her when she's asked for it. All else aside, though...if I do have children, I will never, ever, make them feel responsible for my happiness. It is one of the worst feelings in the world to know that you are the catalyst for someone's contentment, when you realize that you are actually helpless to change anything for them, because they have to do it on their own.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Anonymous DATE:9/30/2006 03:02:00 PM I know enough to know where she's at and why she does it. She's unhappy at this point in her life...she's unhappy to be ill, she's unhappy with some of the choices that have put her where she is (which I've known most of my life), and she's unhappy that she feels there's nothing she can do about it. Only instead of seeing it for what it is, it turns into a daughter that's deserting and going too far away, or another daughter that's making a bad choice

Different families and different situations but this is pretty much the same in my own life which is then why "if I do have children, I will never, ever, make them feel responsible for my happiness" hit home...

i almost went across the country for college and the entire time my mom was supportive until she broke down and basically guilted me into staying which in the end really didn't turn to make a difference since instate was the only place that'd let me in... ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Anonymous DATE:9/30/2006 06:22:00 PM I have to applaud you for not screaming "IT's JUST A BED!... GET OVER IT!" If it was anyone but a mother i probably would have myself. But i think it's so good how you've learned to maneuver around your mother stuff. You tell the truth, you let her express herself, you don't change your behavior. how perfect is that? i'm glad you found a new place that is convenient for school and work. I'm happy for you in so many ways.

i still cry alot. especially when i feel people are being mistreated. i'm not sure it's good to cry so much but it doesn't seem to be controllable right now. i don't quite understand lack of empathy any more and i know it's getting worse as the world gets bigger. Just sometimes little lights show through. And if you can keep your little light shining in other people's direction maybe it will spark their little lights too. we can only hope.

i love you, p ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Kelly Bean DATE:10/01/2006 06:37:00 AM "Empty nest syndrome" I believe is what they call it...although I've always hated that expression since it reduces women to mindless, flighty twits in comparing them to birds. A mother getting upset that the people they have made their entire life about, their children, are starting to make their lives about something else which is the natural order of things. A mother who, maybe, didn't invest enough in her own interests, happiness and/or sense of self.

Obviously I can't say whether this is the case with your mother, Luke. I reall appreciate you sharing that you know what the situation feels like.

P-I hope you're not crying for me!? :) But I think I know what you mean. I'm happy too that I'm able to work around them in order to still relate & interact with her. Part of the reason I do it is because I want to be able to say that I had relationships with my parents that meant something to me. And since I have the chance to do it, I should, because there are so many people that don't have the chance to anymore. And I will say, as I always say, that in regards to my growth & change over the past few years, your insight & friendship have inspired more than I think you know. So, I thank you.

I like the little light thing. It made me smile. :) ----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: Seriously? DATE: 9/27/2006 11:45:00 PM ----- BODY:
A) If I sent you an email within the past three days and you didn't think it was appropriate to even respond at all...you can suck my toes (toes was actually the nicest out of all the body parts I came up with as options). B) Although the Mariners lost the past two nights...I had a fun time watching them lose. Why? 1b) It was the second "date" J and I have been on this week. :)

(So, yah...it was actually taken upside down and I rotated it, so it looks odd.)

2b) Second reason? It's always fun watching them wreck the place as one of the 5 trillion fly balls this evening hit the KOMO sign...

3b) The picture says it all (please note...I wasn't trying to get a picture of Sexson adjusting himself...I was just trying to get the picture is all)...

C) I think my mom was right...I'm shrinking. Oddly enough, I think I'm shrinking even while I struggle to quit smoking. It has to be the stress, it's the only answer. My stress is eating me alive.

D) So...Queen Anne here I come (provided my Dad can float me $600 until next Friday). Apt. guy called me today to confirm that as long as everything on my app. checks out (which it will considering that I'm not a felon/pedophile/lease skipper), I'm first in line to get that apt. I've been running around for all week. Why am I so excited to move into an apt. where you pass the kitchen in the hallway on the way to the bedroom? Because it's right. in. the. middle. of. Queen. Anne. Right in the middle. Like I can walk a few blocks to the Seattle Center, middle. Or, I can walk to the 500 quaint little restaurants on 1st, middle. Or, I can take a jaunt to Key Arena, middle. I don't care that I have to pack away or get rid of, 75% of my belongings because they just won't fit. I don't care that it's something for my parents to bitch at me about because my car might get broken into or it's dangerous down there or it's 15 minutes farther than I am now or what am I going to do if I need something from someone (you'd think I was moving to Billings, MT...but I know it's coming). I don't care that I can't really entertain because there's really nowhere to put anyone. I don't care that the apt. I'm lusting after would fit into my current place three times. I so want to be there.

Highlight of my day? Toss up between finding out that I pretty much have the green light to move to the heart of Seattle and watching the M's lose.

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