AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: It was everything I had hoped it would be DATE: 10/09/2006 01:31:00 PM ----- BODY:
I have moved a total of 11 times since the age of 20 (that's an average of 1.375 times per year). I counted because it was brought to my attention that some people consider it humorous that I continually move-that I can't stay in one place for a myriad of different reasons that don't normally make themselves clear until the lease is about to expire. Okay. I'll give that one up...it is chuckle worthy that I'm a little crazy that way. I get my own dose of humor that people even find my craziness funny. As J pointed out, there always ends up being something unjustifiably wrong with a place that only months prior I was more than happy to exhaust myself (and others) in order to move into. But, um...there is usually something wrong by the time the lease is up-and it's not always my fault. At some point my residences do me horribly wrong. Case and point...
Move #1-Moved in with boyfriend to Lake Forest Park.
Move #2-Promptly broke up with boyfriend one month later and moved out, in order to move in with best friend in Edmonds.
Move #3-Moved out after becoming not so best friends, in order to move in with irresponsible male friend & messy male friend/ex to Shoreline (did I mention I made stellar decisions back then?).
Move #4-Moved out after 2 months in order to move in with new boyfriend (after dating for only 2 months) to North Bend.
Move #5-Two months later moved back home after new boyfriend assaulted our roommate causing them to move out & us to not be able to afford the house anymore...moved to my mom's house in Lake Forest Park. Had to move out shortly thereafter for all the obvious reasons.
Move #6-Moved to the first apartment that only I was responsible for (and would therefore keep) in Mountlake Terrace. Not really totally sure why I left there...it may have had something to do with needing to not be in a place that I was once terrorized by someone in.
Move #7-Moved in with next new boyfriend temporarily (consequently have kept said new boyfriend the entire time up until now) in Everett. Had to move out shortly thereafter because I wanted it to be a temporary thing only.
Move #8-Moved to yet another "my own apartment" in Edmonds. Had to move out because I had gotten a new job downtown and had grown tired of driving for eternity every day (I think they were going to significantly raise my rent as well).
Move #9-Moved on my own to Lake City which was somewhat closer to work. Had to move out because I didn't sign a very long lease & they were going to raise my rent.
Move #10-Moved to Greenwood because a)it was cheaper, b)it was a little closer to work, and c)it had a huge yard & tons of space (due to yard, was able to look past the fact that it was a basement, therefore dark...and had only a skinny shower stall rather than a bathtub). Had to move out because with the onset of fall it became even more dark in there as well as the fact that spiders began to move in on the house in droves (not to mention the skinny shower stall).
Move #11-Moved to Queen Anne where currently I am completely ass over tea kettle, in love. It is bright, it is in the middle of everything and there are people around and fun things to walk to and coziness and close to school/work and, and, and.
A bomb would have to go off in the building before I started to hate it at this point. And despite the sad fact that by the time J and I finally fell asleep last night the entire less than 500 sq feet looked like a war zone with how little I had gotten organized, I was frighteningly happy to be sleeping there...even in an ungodly mess. I would bet my dog that this new apt. will probably never do me wrong.
As you can see below, high school reunion was more fun than I allowed myself to think that it could be and I left it feeling happy that I had made the choice to do it...
The only low point of the weekend? Effing kiddie porn freaks get set free.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: Seriously? DATE: 9/27/2006 11:45:00 PM ----- BODY:
A) If I sent you an email within the past three days and you didn't think it was appropriate to even respond at all...you can suck my toes (toes was actually the nicest out of all the body parts I came up with as options). B) Although the Mariners lost the past two nights...I had a fun time watching them lose. Why? 1b) It was the second "date" J and I have been on this week. :)

(So, yah...it was actually taken upside down and I rotated it, so it looks odd.)

2b) Second reason? It's always fun watching them wreck the place as one of the 5 trillion fly balls this evening hit the KOMO sign...

3b) The picture says it all (please note...I wasn't trying to get a picture of Sexson adjusting himself...I was just trying to get the picture is all)...

C) I think my mom was right...I'm shrinking. Oddly enough, I think I'm shrinking even while I struggle to quit smoking. It has to be the stress, it's the only answer. My stress is eating me alive.

D) So...Queen Anne here I come (provided my Dad can float me $600 until next Friday). Apt. guy called me today to confirm that as long as everything on my app. checks out (which it will considering that I'm not a felon/pedophile/lease skipper), I'm first in line to get that apt. I've been running around for all week. Why am I so excited to move into an apt. where you pass the kitchen in the hallway on the way to the bedroom? Because it's right. in. the. middle. of. Queen. Anne. Right in the middle. Like I can walk a few blocks to the Seattle Center, middle. Or, I can walk to the 500 quaint little restaurants on 1st, middle. Or, I can take a jaunt to Key Arena, middle. I don't care that I have to pack away or get rid of, 75% of my belongings because they just won't fit. I don't care that it's something for my parents to bitch at me about because my car might get broken into or it's dangerous down there or it's 15 minutes farther than I am now or what am I going to do if I need something from someone (you'd think I was moving to Billings, MT...but I know it's coming). I don't care that I can't really entertain because there's really nowhere to put anyone. I don't care that the apt. I'm lusting after would fit into my current place three times. I so want to be there.

Highlight of my day? Toss up between finding out that I pretty much have the green light to move to the heart of Seattle and watching the M's lose.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: how my day went bad DATE: 9/20/2006 06:32:00 PM ----- BODY:
it started off okay-got up early-got to work early-got enough sleep. i'd only had one cigarette since monday evening and still felt okay this morning. pretty good day. but then (in no particular order)... **i tried to fix the fact that my outlook doesn't auto-correct when i'm emailing at work...spent a good 45 minutes on it (as i have a tendency to fixate now that i'm trying to quit smoking) and still didn't get anywhere. no one could even help me that was sitting around me. i realize it is irrational but all that kept running through my head was you are old and you don't get technology anymore. **i realized that my lease is up in november...meaning i have to be out before november 1st. !!why did i think i had the entire month!! my landlord was nice enough to offer to extend my lease until february but that means trying to make it through the holidays while going to school, hardly working any overtime and paying bills for a home instead of an apt. right. **out of curiosity i did a quick search in seattle and all the surrounding areas that i would be okay living in. i. found. nothing. i mean nothing. plenty of places in ever-rot and kent and des moines and lynnwood. everywhere that i don't want to be. i had missed you for a couple of days stress...welcome back. **i have been sort of sad ever since i got back from vacation...couldn't figure out what it was because i went away and had a good time and got to spend an extended amount of time with j. then finally it hit me last night. when i am at home, i wake up alone, i go to sleep alone, i eat alone, i walk my dog alone, i come home to be alone during the week. i am tired of it. i am in a relationship, and so it's almost laughable to me that i feel the loneliest right now than i have ever felt in my life. it is possible to miss someone too much...you can miss them so much, having missed them for so long, that you miss them even when you're around them which is actually how i felt some of the time this past weekend. you can miss them so much that every single tentative plan to spend time together (because plans can never really a sure thing anymore) that doesn't work out starts to feel absolutely heartbreaking. i was told it isn't possible to miss someone too much...it is.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: it's not true until you say it DATE: 9/14/2006 12:14:00 PM ----- BODY:
no matter how many times you might say it to yourself, thinking it up and re-thinking it in a proud way because it sounds so healthy to you, it's not true until you say it out loud so that someone else, even if it's just you, can hear it. i will no longer be the only one to take responsibility for this. i have done it for too long and i won't do it from this point on. i didn't realize how freeing it would be to hear myself say it. it's no longer up to only me. i no longer have to carry all the weight on my shoulders after giving some of it away. and yeah...just like that it's not upsetting anymore. it's that simple. choices usually are that simple...it's the person that is making the choice that makes it harder than it really needs to be. assignments are all done, bills are taken care of, loose ends are tied and my heart is no longer heavy with the task of being the only one wanting to make sure that everything is okay; now i can actually have fun in reno this weekend.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Anonymous DATE:9/22/2006 12:52:00 AM I wish that I had your resolve. Even after I decide to wash my hands of that kind of thing, it still eats at me for months and sometimes years. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Kelly Bean DATE:9/22/2006 07:25:00 AM Allow me to be modest by saying that it takes me a while to get to the point where I can do that. Sometimes, things still eat at me for months and/or years. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: irony DATE: 9/07/2006 08:36:00 PM ----- BODY:
so, i know the way i'm going to use it is not the actual definition of the word-however, it is the popular accepted way to use it, so whatever. it is ironic, i think, that the exact entity that helped create the problems that one may be dealing with in relationships, is the same entity that often helps to ease the emotions caused by those problems. i.e. i can call my mom, not even mention a peep of whatever may be going on with me at the moment, and i will still end up feeling better at the end of the conversation than i did at the start of it. odd-that the family that never listened to me when i was younger (which tends to make one feel as if they really don't matter at all), so that i would grow up to be challenged and hurt in relationships when i feel as if i am not listened to-would make it all feel better. it's going to be fairly interesting from here on out because, somehow, i think the added stress is bringing, like, all my issues to a head. apparently this is when it gets exciting.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: it shouldn't surprise or amaze me anymore DATE: 8/08/2006 01:31:00 PM ----- BODY:
but it still does. people, in general, really can't handle it when the rules start to change in a relationship after a long period of things sort of being about them, their needs, how they want things, etc. it's a hibernation week...meaning that had i the choice, i would hole up in my house and not speak to a single soul. i have hit that point where i am so tired of trying to hold things together that it would be nice for someone else to step in for a minute or two. without meaning to, however, i have allowed many of the relationships that i deal with most often, to be set up in such a way that this type of support is foreign to me as of late. i need a few days of little or no interaction with the outside world. things are exhausting and hurtful. sadly-it's not something i'm going to get anytime soon.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Marion McCready DATE:8/08/2006 04:38:00 PM sounds like you're looking for a bit of escapism, I find getting lost in a good book a great way to get a break from the emotional stresses of life, or writing poetry! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Anonymous DATE:8/17/2006 01:27:00 PM I thought a change was meant to be as good as a rest... ----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: run down DATE: 8/06/2006 02:31:00 PM ----- BODY:
-if you are now sort of my friend again after not being for so long, thanks. it's nice that there are positive thoughts to take the place of the negative. i needed that. things really do happen because they're supposed to and they happen at the exact time they're supposed to happen. the universe is nice that way because i realized recently that if one just lets go, the world does the hard part of it all. -if you have sort of checked out in general & only have time for a new girlfriend-that's whack. that's like 7th grade whack...and i can say that because that's how i used to act at that age. not at this age. -school, you can respond any time now. really. the fun part of the waiting is over-the newness of this part of the process has seriously worn off. i continue to feel like a slacker, and i owe it all to you. -unbelievable, that you would have time to do actual activities with friends but not with me. that's even more whack than having friends that stop talking to you when they start dating someone. that's okay too though. i will find other people to do fun things with if i must. -i'm completely over all the hydro hype. really. does seattle really need a reason to sit around all day and drink? blue angels that i can see from our window on the 4th floor (would have been even better if i could have made it out to lake washington for an up close view but that's ok, maybe next year)-yay. a bunch of drunks boating on lake washington & hanging out everywhere all day? no thanks. that's all.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Anonymous DATE:8/07/2006 07:28:00 PM Am i in another subset group? I didn't quite recognize myself but then again, it's possible. Let's make another date so i can get off the list if i'm on it! love you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Marion McCready DATE:8/08/2006 02:39:00 AM friendship is a double-edged sword, my so-called best friends in the past have hurt me the most, now I have a few genuine friends which are worth more than all the 'best friends' I've had in the past, but I'm always cautious with how much of myself I share with other people and make sure I don't make myself too dependant on or vulnerable before a single person or a couple of people because it puts too much pressure on the friendship and it raises the stakes of them letting you down which ultimately they're bound to do through no fault of their own but because of unrealistic expectation on my behalf ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Kelly Bean DATE:8/08/2006 11:40:00 AM P-we covered this in email my dear. :)

Sorlil-you are wise & i appreciate that you visit me from time to time. :) ----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: value DATE: 7/25/2006 04:02:00 PM ----- BODY:
i have the whole being-up-front/not-burrowing-my-thoughts-away-when-i-have-just-as-much-right-to-share-them-as-anyone-else thing down. i at least have it tackled for the most part. something is still missing though and the fact that i have that first thing going on but not much else, is causing more frustration than is really bearable. much of the time i sort of get the impression that i'm talking to myself in a dark, locked up room-at least i'm doing the talking, but there isn't a lot of listening going on. i am not valuing myself. hence, the fact that there aren't a ton of people out there who are really valuing me either. the two go hand in hand...like *peas and carrots*. no one is going to place value on what i don't already value about myself-they'll have no reason to. during the past few days i have taken a mental inventory of my personal relationships...it caused me to ask a lot of 'whys'. why. why. why. it took a few days and some mental struggle but i figured it out. were i to place value on what i should have been valuing all along probably the following things would no longer be things i had to deal with as a condition of choosing to be around the people i do: +being snapped at (or being told that the conversation i want to have is ridiculous) for asking questions about a relationship (that i have every right to ask) because it seems that maybe the other party would rather set something aside and not deal with it (consequently setting me aside on a shelf as well so as to not have to make any hard decisions or put forth any effort). +feeling as if i put more effort into some relationships than other parties do. +feeling as if i'm the one who usually puts more consideration into other people's feelings. +being told to 'wait' for an indefinite amount of time, and not be given any type of idea what kind of boundaries that waiting period entails, for someone else to decide what it is that they want out of a relationship. +being constantly interrupted by every single person in my life. +the failure of some friends to include me in things. +the failure of my family to realize that if something in my life or something that i want to do is important enough for me to value, that if they support me they should value it too. +feeling as if there are only precious few people in my life that truly listen to what i'm saying at any given time. +feeling as if i am one of the very last priorities in a lot of people's lives when in those cases i should actually feel fairly high up their on the priority list. +friends that say they want to spend time with me but somehow never get around to it. +those who have had the impression that my feelings can be messed around with and that i'll still stick around for more. it's just getting to be too much to deal with and too much to think about. instead of just 'saying' that i do, it's time to start actually placing a high value on myself and then maybe the people that are close to me (that aren't doing so already) might realize that they should be doing the same. because, hey...if you know you are important as all hell to me and you claim that i am the same, how on earth am i supposed to fit it all together if your actions don't say the same? i will worry about what i need to do and what's important to me...because it's plainly obvious that worrying about everyone else and what's important to them is getting me absolutely nowhere. my first step will be to plan a weekend away, just for me-to go exactly where i want to go and do exactly what i want to do. and if that involves shutting everyone out for a weekend in order to take in some scenery somewhere and have some quiet, then that's okay.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Marion McCready DATE:7/25/2006 05:08:00 PM I've discovered that others only recognise your worth when you first recognise your own worth, it may seem harsh but I agree with the Stoic that "the wise man is content with himself and therefore needs no friend" - he desires friendship and has a better life for having it but he is self-contented and therefore does not need friends but wants friends. This puts less strain and expectation on friendship and actually allows friendship to flourish better and as a result provides more fulfillment and less disappointment. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Kelly Bean DATE:7/26/2006 07:45:00 AM it's interesting the way you so efficiently tied together all the concepts that the wisest friend i have has shared with me many times. less expectations=less disappointment. place value on yourself=others will follow. thank you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Marion McCready DATE:7/26/2006 08:18:00 AM so you've heard it all before, it's easier said than done eh?! :) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Kelly Bean DATE:7/26/2006 09:22:00 AM i think that most things in life are easier said than done...the fact that it is difficult means that it's worth it though. :) ----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: a nameless shout-out or two...or a few DATE: 7/07/2006 12:52:00 PM ----- BODY:
you all know who you are... ++it's so much better when you let me in a little-it reminds me of why i love you. i feel safe with you again. i feel like it might work this time. ++i'm so over where i work. that's all i have to say about that. ++at&t-if you were a person i would punch you in the face. ++never before in the years that i have known you so far have you not even had time to call me and connect for a few minutes-i've been ignoring it for some time now, but i have to admit that it hurts now. especially considering that my life has been incredibly busy as well and difficult things have been happening to me too. i'm sure that having two love relationships takes up a lot of emotion and there may not be much left for friend relationships...but no acknowledgement whatsoever? ow. ++washington state pharmacy board-you thought maybe you were being smart by wording this whole new 'you-don't-have-to-prescribe-if-you're-against-it' law for pharmacists by not actually mentioning what it's aimed at...maybe that was your way of avoiding claims of discrimination? good thing the women in this state know better. ++birthday parties with ex's in attendance? you are great fun considering who the birthday is for...however, i could do without the ex (and their mean wife) any day. ++roommate-it's all fine and great that you have a psychotic problem with the few stray sadie hairs that may linger in the washer after i do laundry...however, if you're going to have a panic attack at me about it you had better be beyond reproach, sweetie. beyond reproach means that you would actually need to clean out the lint trap everytime you do laundry. thank god summer is halfway over and we are that much closer to parting ways. ++bamboo...you are the bane of my existence this season. even 5 garbage bags thus far have not been enough to contain your droppings that you were inconsiderate enough to spread all over the yard. thank you for the before picture...let's just hope that i'm able to get an after picture prior to Sunday. please check this link if you need tangible proof of what i speak of. ++new pirates of the caribbean movie? think of me this evening as all the other movie attendees get to see you on your first day out. sadly, i will not be there even in street clothes-much less gussied up in costume like the rest of my pirate band will be this evening. ++pirate BBQ that i have planned-you are starting to stress me out. not kind at all. ++panties? why, rather than just stay where you are put, must you peek out on a daily basis causing someone, at some point, to alert me to your presence?

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: fixing things DATE: 6/29/2006 09:58:00 AM ----- BODY:
making them liveable; easier to deal with...better even in some cases. **the problem with attempting against all odds to stay out of things that don't have anything to do with you in a group of friends is this: if it's talked about at all to you, by anyone, it's unavoidable that your opinion of others will be colored...tainted even. you will start questioning who you can trust and who you can't, based on interactions that you weren't even a part of. so, i'm done trying to be buddies with the whole world when i'm at work. i'm done with other peoples issues and drama. when at work, i'm just going to be at work; nothing more, nothing less. if you attempt to talk to me about other people, i will probably ask you respectfully to stop...because i just can't deal with it. i have my own stuff to deal with, and sometimes when i'm at work, it's the only place i don't have to deal with that stuff; sometimes, when other things in my life are failing or upsetting, being at work where things are supposed to be concrete, is a reprieve. i would like to keep it that way. if you are my friend, i will still be friendly to you...but there will probably be an air of detachment when i'm at work. **couples counseling. when the issue was brought up i thought about it for a good while. i decided that this is something i'm strong enough to handle and participate in. i can do this. until i asked the name of the counselor that had come highly recommended. tom. a guy. a man. i have never once chosen a male counselor. i have never once felt okay choosing a male doctor for all those personal things that women must endure. never. it wasn't until driving home yesterday that i realized exactly why. see, i imagined myself, actually saw myself, in a small room with two males discussing my relationship and needs (yes...it makes a difference that one of those males is a person i know and love; but for the purpose of this exercise we're going to disregard that because all i could think about was a small room with two males and me feeling vulnerable)...what i felt was fear. pure. chilling. terror. so, here's the thing; it's not that i don't like men necessarily...i am not a femi-nazi man hater. i fear them. it just shows up to the outside world, after traveling through my self-preservation filter, as dislike...disdain even. i was given the option of choosing a female instead. i even thought about making that request for a split second. but that's the path of not wanting to grow or change anything and it's not the path i want to continue to take in my life. we're supposed to do the things that we're afraid of; as long as they are things that aren't going to maime us or tear us apart in a negative way, we're supposed to do the things we don't want to do. so i'm going to do this. because not only will (hopefully) it improve my relationship, but in a small way it will probably improve me as well. fixing things.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: overheating DATE: 6/23/2006 08:54:00 AM ----- BODY:
funny thing that happens when i get upset about something now. i overheat. seriously. it happened yesterday and i even had a witness to it. i think it stems from trying to contain (not stifle-just control) emotions right now. i'm trying to find the perfect balance between using emotions in a positive way (allowing them to alert me to the fact that a situation is uncomfortable, etc.) and allowing them to control me. sometimes it's difficult, and i end up in a sort of brain daze whilst looking as if i have a badly sunburned face. overheating. P.S. `if you own a dog that snarls and charges at strangers, it probably shouldn't be out in public. if a dog scares me, that's saying a lot because i don't scare easily from dogs. it makes me angry because i've done everything that i'm supposed to do to be able to trust my dogs in public...those who don't (and probably encourage the anger in their poor canine friend) deserve a big fat punch in the face, and shouldn't own animals. {side note-these are the same people who will actually say with serious wonderment to a camera on the 5:00 news that they "never imagined" their dog was capable of killing a small child.} `if i am walking to my bus stop at 6:30 in the fucking morning, clothed totally normally (i.e. NOT looking like the kind of female inviting ogles) and you honk at me as if it's cute...be prepared to hear obscenities screamed at you and your mother for not teaching you to respect women. `i love you, but i will not apologize for my anger about where this relationship seems to be headed right now. i will not apologize for my anger at having been put second, and then eventually, last for a long time now. adults get angry sometimes (this is normal)...sometimes they slam car doors a little too hard in their anger. P.P.S. an adult reaction to other people's anger is not to sneak home without even telling someone that they did it, and then calling three million times at 2 in the morning after the sneaking off. i also will not apologize for your inability to deal with emotions. `i have 0 appreciation for straight males today. 0. not quite sure if it will come back either. 95% (note that i didn't say all) of you are so selfish/stupid/egotistical/immature/foolish that you squander and waste your chances at the things in life that are truly important until you realize too late (or never) that you have done so and have to settle for something less than. money? not important. success in a business world? not important. cars? not important. huge houses? not important. buying boats and boy toys? not important. nurturing the people that are supposed to matter to you and building relationships that are strong enough to hold you if the bottom drops out and all that 'stuff' disappears? more important than most of you will ever realize. one good thing that seriously made my eyes water a little? the answer that i got back this morning in response to my email asking if my dog could walk with me in the pride parade on sunday? "Absolutely! She’s part of your family! Looking forward to seeing you!" how much do i heart that person for making my morning and calming the overheated waters? immensely.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: happiness is... DATE: 6/15/2006 08:41:00 AM ----- BODY:
----rediscovering my L7 albums...because they didn't really seem to have a great fondness for men either.

----successfully getting my ass to work on time via public transportation (actually, i really shouldn't be applauding myself...i should be applauding piglet because this morning i drove to her house which is only a few miles away & took the bus with her). side note: i still have yet to write the blog entitled 'taking crazy for a bus ride' which illustrates my first effort at getting home on the bus the other day. not to mention my f*&(-up yesterday trying to get here which included being 23 minutes late & taking the wrong buses.

----figuring out after months of owning and using it, that my ipod will store pictures. this would seem to be an indicator that i should really read the info. provided to me with the purchase of a product.

----getting paid tomorrow so that i can now avoid the following things: a. eating top ramen for so many days in a row that i begin to feel ill and my body protests (there's a reason why college-aged kids can get away with this). b. borrowing money like a huge loser. c. weighing how insane the neighbors will think i am if i intrude on their BBQ and ask for food. ----the realization while trying in vain to curl my hair this morning (the fact that i spent 45 minutes curling it only to have it flop due to the sheer strength of my dead ends was almost enough to push me over the edge) that it would be the last time for a while that i would stare at the mirror with pure hatred.

----my weekend starting this evening since i have tomorrow off for the boy's birthday.

----three weeks off of crazy pills and no breakdowns to show for it.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: nothin' says friday like a toasted strawberry pop-tart DATE: 5/26/2006 08:46:00 AM ----- BODY:
in case you were wondering? un-hot: *today, in 1521, martin luther was banned by the edict of worms because of his religious beliefs and writings. learn something today. (censorship & hatred? never attractive.) *dreaming about the awful ex whose name must never actually be mentioned again due to angry words and what they brought back up. had i the misfortune of seeing said awful ex, i would punch him in the face in a fairly matter-of-fact manner, treat him to a tremendous helping of fuck you, you fucking fuck and move on quietly. sometimes i actually wish that would happen so that i could just get it over with (or at the very least, i sometimes wish i could find said ex on the internet so as to send them the detailed novella i wrote containing my thoughts on the relationship...that, at least, would be sort of like a mental punch in the face and that would appease the crazy monster that apparently lives inside my head that i have started to embrace). hot: *i had almost forgotten about pop-tarts. thank you vending machine filled with horribly pleasant evils. *partaking in a whiskey tasting to kick off my memorial day weekend. billiam, i'll pour a little out in your honor (it's the least i can do since i don't even like whiskey but wish i did because girls who drink whiskey? hot). *girls that can successfully pull off a cute little pot belly. *j... *getting some (i could say excuse me for the crass expression, but, um... i'm not going to because sometimes being crass is a little hot too). *nathion singing karaoke at the shaw... *this flower that's blooming in my rented backyard right now... *me.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: someone, somewhere, is in jail/the hospital/has suddenly had to flee the country or is dead DATE: 5/12/2006 04:18:00 PM ----- BODY:
when i explained to a friend today that i received not one, but two phone calls from a restricted number this morning at 1:30am they said to me, in an attempt to be reasonable, that possibly it was a wrong number. the caller might have dialed twice just to be sure. possible. another friend, also in an attempt to be reasonable, suggested that maybe it was simply a fluke. a fluke? my cell phone wanted to get a jump on wishing me a good morning? without saying anything my only thought was (honey, you didn't believe that when your boyfriend said it and you want me to believe it now?). there's one problem with either of the above suggestions. i. am. not. reasonable. if you know me at all, you already know this. considering this: if you have my phone number and you give even half a good goddamn about my mental health, DO NOT call me at odd hours of the morning without at least leaving a message so that i don't have to wake up and freak out.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: i know this much is true DATE: 5/06/2006 12:22:00 PM ----- BODY:
-it is ridiculous that people make too many loads of money off of writing books which simply tell people the obvious. (or maybe not, as a friend pointed out to me today, seeing as how people are truly adept at deluding themselves) -it is ridiculous that my life has become one of those books. because, if you're talking to your boyfriend about the status of the relationship and how it's important to you that someone is excited enough about marrying you to do something about it but said boyfriend is answering their cell phone during the conversation and can't even listen to what you're saying...he's probably just not that into you. -i can count on one hand the amount of people in my life that truly listen to what i have to say. i've found that my life seems to be inundated with people that talk over me. -one of the only things lately that makes me truly happy is the garden in my rented backyard.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: my little mind... DATE: 4/24/2006 11:38:00 AM ----- BODY:
my little mind is having some trouble wrapping its tiny self around a few things. you might ask why i'm referring to it in that manner. it's one of those really long stories that would make this blog into a novel. suffice to say its origin lies in an argument i had yesterday wherein i was told something to the effect of "...if your little mind can comprehend that." seriously (did you really just say that?). nice, huh? i was upset before that was even said, about the fact that person in question pretty much had plans with me last night and neglected to tell me that their day plans ran over until 2 & 1/2 hours after the fact. after that was said i got even more upset. after my **VALID** complaints of the situation were met with an uber defensive attitude and excuses as to why it was perfectly okay to let me sit there and wonder for hours , i got even more upset. yes, i cried, yelled, swore and said some not so nice things in return anyway, just in the spirit of throwing some things on the table, the following are things that my **little mind** just can't seem to get... -people who have known someone for a good deal of time have a pretty good idea what is going to upset that person and what is not. this knowledge is usually gained from basic trial and error. that being said, why would someone, knowing that whatever they've done has probably upset someone, not start out a conversation with something to the effect of "i know you might be upset and i'm sorry, but here's what happened...". is that a difficult thing to do? am i missing something here? -when, for whatever reason, the above does not happen & the upsetting mistake has to be brought to the doers attention what is it that makes that person think they have a right to be defensive about the incident? is it just plain foolishness...denial maybe? i just don't know. -for the love of all that is holy can someone please tell me what the point is of extending certain considerations to others when there is a pattern of the consideration not being returned? -why didn't i foresee that due to the fact that i don't work out, weeding the garden for HOURS would cause my ass to hurt today (no...not how it sounds) because i worked out muscles that don't normally get worked? -my knuckles are sunburnt? -if someone is truly in love why, when the supposed object of that love is upset by a mistake that they made, would one of their first answers to the situation be "well you don't have to deal with it anymore if you don't want to". for the love of all that is holy how is that an answer? wait, it's an answer if you don't really want to deal with how you made someone feel. i get it. -why is the sliver in my hand (proudly gained by weeding for hours in my bare hands) slowly disappearing further and further in the WRONG direction? that is, it is not migrating out of my hand, just further in. -why is life so cruel that i could not be alive when he was uber popular? -why did i not realize until just now that the jeans i have on are actually almost high enough to be capris? it's been a bad 24 hours...and i'm angry.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: e e cummings DATE: 3/24/2006 09:33:00 PM ----- BODY:
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling) i fear no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet) i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

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