AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: strange how oddly fitting things like this can be DATE: 6/30/2006 10:04:00 AM ----- BODY:
QuizGalaxy!
'What" will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: fixing things DATE: 6/29/2006 09:58:00 AM ----- BODY:
making them liveable; easier to deal with...better even in some cases. **the problem with attempting against all odds to stay out of things that don't have anything to do with you in a group of friends is this: if it's talked about at all to you, by anyone, it's unavoidable that your opinion of others will be colored...tainted even. you will start questioning who you can trust and who you can't, based on interactions that you weren't even a part of. so, i'm done trying to be buddies with the whole world when i'm at work. i'm done with other peoples issues and drama. when at work, i'm just going to be at work; nothing more, nothing less. if you attempt to talk to me about other people, i will probably ask you respectfully to stop...because i just can't deal with it. i have my own stuff to deal with, and sometimes when i'm at work, it's the only place i don't have to deal with that stuff; sometimes, when other things in my life are failing or upsetting, being at work where things are supposed to be concrete, is a reprieve. i would like to keep it that way. if you are my friend, i will still be friendly to you...but there will probably be an air of detachment when i'm at work. **couples counseling. when the issue was brought up i thought about it for a good while. i decided that this is something i'm strong enough to handle and participate in. i can do this. until i asked the name of the counselor that had come highly recommended. tom. a guy. a man. i have never once chosen a male counselor. i have never once felt okay choosing a male doctor for all those personal things that women must endure. never. it wasn't until driving home yesterday that i realized exactly why. see, i imagined myself, actually saw myself, in a small room with two males discussing my relationship and needs (yes...it makes a difference that one of those males is a person i know and love; but for the purpose of this exercise we're going to disregard that because all i could think about was a small room with two males and me feeling vulnerable)...what i felt was fear. pure. chilling. terror. so, here's the thing; it's not that i don't like men necessarily...i am not a femi-nazi man hater. i fear them. it just shows up to the outside world, after traveling through my self-preservation filter, as dislike...disdain even. i was given the option of choosing a female instead. i even thought about making that request for a split second. but that's the path of not wanting to grow or change anything and it's not the path i want to continue to take in my life. we're supposed to do the things that we're afraid of; as long as they are things that aren't going to maime us or tear us apart in a negative way, we're supposed to do the things we don't want to do. so i'm going to do this. because not only will (hopefully) it improve my relationship, but in a small way it will probably improve me as well. fixing things.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: fed up. completely and totally. DATE: 6/28/2006 05:50:00 PM ----- BODY:
i don't really give a crap if this isn't entertaining, cute, funny, etc. entertaining others is not my life purpose, nor anymore is caring what others think (thank god). if you don't like it, don't read it. i've had it. with people, with my job, with my life. how long can one navigate through their life with one thing after another failing? it has to stop sometime, right? i literally believe that i am probably hanging on by a very thin thread. P.S. and P.P.S. and whatever ~~i've had it with people that act like children. because by the way, if you aren't mature enough to keep your personal life separate from your professional life enough to work successfully then you shouldn't be mixing it. if you aren't mature enough to address personal issues to someone's face like an adult would, then you probably aren't mature enough to work wherever you work. i am actually at the point where i am considering seriously, finding somewhere else to go...because i just can't take the drama that some people feel forced to create. ~~what is that goes on in men's brains that makes them think it's perfectly acceptable to treat women like show animals? because the whole stalking thing the other day has just eaten at me ever since. by the way, if it happens again to me i'm going to play the coy trick to lure them out of the car and then punch them in the mouth. ~~how can a car be unfixable? seriously. ~~who gets wireless internet (a.k.a. unreliable internet) for their HOUSE-for computers that don't move?? what kind of dumbass idea is that? ~~why, oh why, is everyone allergic to gluten all of a sudden. gluten allergies are the new pink in the medical world. it's like when they went off the deep end diagnosing a bunch of kids with ADD that really didn't, truly have it or need to be medicated for it. that's it...gluten allergy is the new ADD. ~~i fear that i may get to the point where i really don't want to participate in my life anymore. {positive side bar: thanks mad, for taking so much time to talk with me last night and bringing me back to earth. good, dependable friends are difficult to find. i've been lucky in the fact that i actually find one every few years and therefore have more than one good, dependable friend. way lucky. because i really feel like i'd be lost without them.} a man is placed upon the steps, a baby cries and high above the church bells start to ring and as the heaviness the body oh the heaviness settles in somewhere you can hear a mother sing then it's one foot then the other as you step out onto the road how much weight? how much weight? then it's how long? and how far? and how many times before it's too late? calling all angels calling all angels walk me through this one don't leave me alone calling all angels calling all angels we're cryin' and we're hurtin' and we're not sure why... and every day you gaze upon the sunset with such love and intensity it's almost...it's almost as if if you could only crack the code then you'd finally understand what this all means but if you could...do you think you would trade in all the pain and suffering? ah, but then you'd miss the beauty of the light upon this earth and the sweetness of the leaving. calling all angels calling all angels walk me through this one don't leave me alone... 'cause we're not sure how this goes -jane siberry

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: so, it was like 85 degrees DATE: 6/26/2006 08:39:00 PM ----- BODY:
.1 i got my first stinky hot weather bus experience. it's not something that i want to repeat even in my wildest, disgusting fantasies; unfortunately it's something that i will repeat...again, and again. .2 remind me not to wear dresses on days that i'm going to be walking out in the open for more than a couple of blocks. after the stinky hot weather bus experience, i got to meet a stalker while walking the few blocks home from my bus stop. i was painstakingly close to the haven of my cool basement, when i noticed a ghetto little 2-door honda slowing in a ridiculous way in my direction. he stared. it was obvious. i didn't even give the privilege of a glance. but to beat all things, in the time it had taken me to reach my mailbox, dude had apparently driven around the block to drive by again. that was it. i gave him the privilege of my middle f'ing finger. i do not care that it was crass...i do not care that it was uncouth. uncouth and crass is attempting to follow around a young female that you do not know (when you look at least 45) in 85 degree weather, especially considering that i wouldn't have cared if i was single, i wouldn't have cared if it was brad fucking pitt...i don't want to meet someone in the first place when it's hot enough to melt metal and all i want to do is go home. plus...EW for stalking. .3 there are still some nice people in the world. in order to run some errands i was required to put $3.00 in gas in my car (i have gotten to the point where i refuse to put gas in my car unless i really have to). in 85 degree weather, after i had turned it off to put $3.00 worth of gas in it, the little piece of crap decided it didn't want to run any type of charge through the corroded cables (WHY it chose today will always remain a mystery). my dear daddio tried to fix it the cheap way (why, oh why, dodge do you only sell the part that i need in a $500-$600 package???) and apparently it didn't work. somehow, the guy that asked if i needed help managed to do it in a way that didn't: a. undermine my intelligence as a female b. wasn't lecherous and c. cause me to refuse it which i normally would do. he helped jump my little ornery neon in weather that is hot enough to kill and when it was all through and i was thanking him from the bottom of my heart, he kissed my hand after shaking it. there are still some nice people in the world. and he didn't even ask for my number or anything icky...he was just trying to help. .4 i cannot express to the heavens how happy i am that the working-from-home project begins tomorrow. today, i was in a rotten enough mood to where if i had come home and stared at the plants a while longer, they all would have withered up and died. i had to bite my tounge every time someone came up to speak to me at work today...because i was two seconds from digesting their head. dealing with reality and dealing with my life has not made me a happy camper, nor an easy person to deal with lately. i'm not at the point where i can apologize yet even, because if i was telling the whole tale, people would be a whole lot more worried. apologies may have to come later. 85 degree weather. at least one good thing came from it.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: seattle pride 2006 kicked my butt DATE: 6/25/2006 03:27:00 PM ----- BODY:
it was actually the straw that broke me this weekend. i reached piglet's at 9:45am this morning back from westport (pirate festival) not having washed my hair in days, sunburnt, with a barstool in the back of my car (amazing that i made it back at all considering that on 4 hours of sleep i turned a three hour drive into a two hour one and was so out of it when i started this morning that i almost ran two red lights in aberdeen). despite the impending heat wave that we were about to spend hours in we dutifully set off for the pride parade, but not until almost 10:30. parade started at 11:00. on the way to the freeway we happened to see someone waiting for the bus who could only have been headed to the pride festival (complete with rainbow lei) and felt bad for the poor fellow seeing as how there was no way he was going to make it down there in time. in the spirit of the day we stopped to ask if he wanted a ride to pride (we actually did say it like that too, rhyming and everything). the situation was completely safe considering that he was gay and we are girls...no one was going to be hurting anyone. the whole thing was funny considering that it turns out he is a friend of one of our coworkers (WHY does seattle just keep getting smaller???). it was a fun trip down there. of course, considering it was piglet and i trying to figure the whole thing out by the time we got downtown (hello blind leading the blind) we were somehow under the impression that they were lining people up at the seattle center, so we secured parking nearby. low and behold, after walking around the center for a few we finally learned that the parade was actually lining up down on union. 10-12 blocks away. nice. the parade was awesome though and i'm glad i dragged my butt through it. everyone loved the fact that our company was marching in it, with a float and everything. it was nice to be part of the group supporting it. and it actually worked out well that we had a nice 10 block walk before it even started since we actually ended up at the seattle center when the parade was over. i am ever grateful for the city of seattle for putting that huge fountain in the center of things because the first thing we did was head there and douse ourselves. by the time it was over both of us were delirious with heat, poor sadie (did i mention i put a cute little pink silk bow around her neck & walked her through it on a little pink leash?) didn't know what end was up by the time she was done after dealing with huge crowds of people in what felt like deadly heat (poor girl just about hid behind my legs everytime the cannon went off on the seafair pirates duck thing). even now, she can't hardly move. it was all i could even do to muster the energy to drag her smelly self and my smelly self into the shower when i got home. it was really all i had left. please make sure you take a moment to click on this & see how tired her eyes actually were by the time we were done. after standing in the fountain for a while all we could do was lay in the grass like lumps. it was nice-people watching, chatting. however, it didn't take long before i entered into the 'i have to go home zone'...that place that i end up in when horrifyingly tired where i am so single-minded about getting home that i feel sorry for whomever stands in my way. i cannot hardly move, i can't speak to anyone (nor do i really want to)...it's a toss up as far as how long i have the stamina to even hang out at my computer before moving to my cozy bed, not to be moved (because if someone did, all i can say is god rest their soul) for the rest of the evening. and i haven't even started explaining about westport yet. but there's just no energy for it. and as tired and worthless as i am at this moment, i was actually more thankful than it really sounds here for the ridiculous busy weekend because it took my mind off of sad things and sad situations for a while. albeit, i am now back to reality, but at least i'm too tired out to worry about the fact that somewhere along the line recently my heart became so broken by someone that i can't even figure out how to find the pieces much less put it back together. nor do i even have the words to explain it to them. nor would they probably care considering they have much more 'important' things to worry about. so i suppose that instead of saying that the pride parade kicked my butt, i should probably say it saved me a bunch of heartache today-because all i want to do is lay like a lump on a log...and i've sort of earned it.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: random DATE: 6/23/2006 12:39:00 PM ----- BODY:
if i ever went on a spree of violence, mr. homophobe eyman would be the first to go down.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: overheating DATE: 6/23/2006 08:54:00 AM ----- BODY:
funny thing that happens when i get upset about something now. i overheat. seriously. it happened yesterday and i even had a witness to it. i think it stems from trying to contain (not stifle-just control) emotions right now. i'm trying to find the perfect balance between using emotions in a positive way (allowing them to alert me to the fact that a situation is uncomfortable, etc.) and allowing them to control me. sometimes it's difficult, and i end up in a sort of brain daze whilst looking as if i have a badly sunburned face. overheating. P.S. `if you own a dog that snarls and charges at strangers, it probably shouldn't be out in public. if a dog scares me, that's saying a lot because i don't scare easily from dogs. it makes me angry because i've done everything that i'm supposed to do to be able to trust my dogs in public...those who don't (and probably encourage the anger in their poor canine friend) deserve a big fat punch in the face, and shouldn't own animals. {side note-these are the same people who will actually say with serious wonderment to a camera on the 5:00 news that they "never imagined" their dog was capable of killing a small child.} `if i am walking to my bus stop at 6:30 in the fucking morning, clothed totally normally (i.e. NOT looking like the kind of female inviting ogles) and you honk at me as if it's cute...be prepared to hear obscenities screamed at you and your mother for not teaching you to respect women. `i love you, but i will not apologize for my anger about where this relationship seems to be headed right now. i will not apologize for my anger at having been put second, and then eventually, last for a long time now. adults get angry sometimes (this is normal)...sometimes they slam car doors a little too hard in their anger. P.P.S. an adult reaction to other people's anger is not to sneak home without even telling someone that they did it, and then calling three million times at 2 in the morning after the sneaking off. i also will not apologize for your inability to deal with emotions. `i have 0 appreciation for straight males today. 0. not quite sure if it will come back either. 95% (note that i didn't say all) of you are so selfish/stupid/egotistical/immature/foolish that you squander and waste your chances at the things in life that are truly important until you realize too late (or never) that you have done so and have to settle for something less than. money? not important. success in a business world? not important. cars? not important. huge houses? not important. buying boats and boy toys? not important. nurturing the people that are supposed to matter to you and building relationships that are strong enough to hold you if the bottom drops out and all that 'stuff' disappears? more important than most of you will ever realize. one good thing that seriously made my eyes water a little? the answer that i got back this morning in response to my email asking if my dog could walk with me in the pride parade on sunday? "Absolutely! She’s part of your family! Looking forward to seeing you!" how much do i heart that person for making my morning and calming the overheated waters? immensely.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: a nightmare DATE: 6/21/2006 08:44:00 PM ----- BODY:
in the midst of puttering about changing out loads of laundry this evening, a thought struck me as i was organizing my 20 pairs of shoes (i'm working on maximizing that number). what is the worst thing, out of all things, that could happen to me? {side bar= things that surprisingly did not even cross my mind as an answer (not even for a second): .1 going blind .2 losing the use of my feet/legs .3 paralyzed from the waist .4 my house burning down .5 being told that i can never have children .6 a tsunami .7 that eartquake they've been scaring us with for years here in seattle} no folks. my very first thought? oh my god what if i just didn't have feet anymore? what if they had to take them off of my body? i. could. never. buy. shoes. again. the only thing i can't really figure out now...do i think that makes me shallow or is it just a symptom of my craziness? lord help me if i am ever in a plane that goes down in the tippy top of icy mountains because once you fall victim to frost bite for a while, the first things to go when you thaw are your feet.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger kay-see DATE:6/21/2006 09:49:00 PM OMG Kelly. O-M-G. I may not sleep tonight because of this, thanks a lot.


HOLLA! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Kelly Bean DATE:6/22/2006 07:06:00 AM My apologies...I'm a little sick and twisted.

HOLLA BACK! ----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: it should have been obvious. DATE: 6/21/2006 09:22:00 AM ----- BODY:
the amazing difficulty with which i have had to drag myself out of slumber for the past week could have told me something. my appetite rebelling against me could have been a sign. even the simple fact that it hasn't happened to me in some time now really should have clued me in. getting. sick. it started last night. in a vain attempt at self-delusion i thought that maybe i had been cleaning and had completely forgotten about it (i am regularly rewarded for my sometimes obsessive cleaning with something similar to hay fever). no. i awoke to a head full of fluff, runny nose and that nagging, stinging sensation in the back of my throat. unmistakable. damnit. it wouldn't really be that big of a deal were it a normal week. however, in two days i have to be fully prepared for raping and pillaging the small town of westport, WA (on second thought, please replace 'raping' with 'enjoying adult beverages'). rusty scupper days. no, i'm not joking. we're even mentioned on their website (that's us in bold): "We've had a great time meetin' n piratin' with all the other pirate crewes who have blown into town: The International Pirates of Seattle, WA; the Pirates of Ocean Shores, WA; Treasure Island Pirates of Seattle and the Beer Bard Privateers from Canada. All of 'em great pirates/people to have visit." i even have a way cute outfit outfit to wear too...

to get the true full effect, picture me in it with a red stuffy nose and ample luggage under my eyes from not being able to sleep at night.

argh.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: what? DATE: 6/20/2006 12:27:00 PM ----- BODY:
many thanks, adorable gay friend, for completely derailing my productivity for the rest of the day with this beauty (please click only if you're interested in the process of questioning every single aspect of your life). if crazy had been awake i probably would have set myself on fire and run screaming from the building after reading it. AGF, you have essentially stirred up the entire row, made us question our existences...and worse yet, have no answers to give us that will make it right. (i demand some serious service recovery, my dear). thus, this is what i will fight with all day now (although, unfortunately, my brain doesn't give me the luxury of a dream of cuddling up in a perfect apt. to go with the anxiety...when you're crazy, you just get a nice dose of the anxiety)... .what if spending years in relationships where the suitor never actually suits is just the universe actually trying to tell me that i'm not supposed to ever get married? .why couldn't i have invented one of those instant gratification, novelty items that people go crazy over, spend millions on and then forget about. like the pet rock or something? .i don't own a house-i don't even own a condo. by the time my mother was this age not only did she have a house, but she had a husband and three children to fill it with. what if i'm never able to own a house? apt.'s the rest of my life...really? .i do not have a career. what if i was supposed to have gone to school for something else? .what if i just moved away? what if my life is supposed to be happening somewhere else but i miss out on it because i'm too scared to leave here? why, AGF...why? p.s.? i am just about sick and tired of getting runtime error messages when attempting to access blogger due to the fake computers we are forced to make do with at work. error this, bitch.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger AGF DATE:6/21/2006 09:29:00 AM I never realized the powerful effect I have on our row. ;)

Maybe we should pack up and move somewhere. Like right now. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: sarah mclachlan DATE: 6/20/2006 12:02:00 PM ----- BODY:
path of thorns I knew you wanted to tell me In your voice there was something wrong But if you would turn your face away from me You cannot tell me you’re so strong Just let me ask of you one small thing As we have shared so many tears With fervor our dreams we planned a whole life long Now are scattered on the wind... In the terms of endearment In the terms of the life that you love In the terms of the years that pass you by In the terms of the reasons why. Through the years I’ve grown to love you Though your commitment to most would offend But I stuck by you holding on with my foolish pride Waiting for you to give in... You never really tried or so it seems I’ve had more than myself to blame I’ve had enough of trying everything And this time it is the end... There’s no more coming back this way The path is overgrown and strewn with thorns They’ve torn the life-blood from your naked eyes Cast aside to be forlorn... Funny, how it seems that all I’ve tried to do Seemed to make no difference to you at all...

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: so, today i noticed some things... DATE: 6/19/2006 06:37:00 PM ----- BODY:
[i enjoy life much better when i see these two together.]

[i should use extreme caution when listening to my ipod at work-i put sad songs on there and sometimes it's a bit like walking through a mine field when i get really zoned out on whatever i'm doing. before i know it the tears are rolling.]

[i am horridly out of shape. my legs hurt, my back hurts, my neck hurts, my shoulders hurt...somehow in the past 10 hours i have lost the ability to use my left hand for anything more strenuous than picking up a pen (really? pulling a muscle in your hand?). i blame this deck.4 people and nine hours to make it look like this. ow.]

[i wish i had more time with my family. had them over for bbq'ing yesterday to celebrate father's day and as much as i wanted my house back to myself, i was sad to see them go.]

[i feel as if i have not had a moment alone for days. it's starting to take its toll.]

[i want to go on an earthwatch expedition. i want to go to south america. i need upwards of $4,000 to do this.]

[i fear that crazy is sucking all the creative energy out of me.]

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: i remember when you were little. DATE: 6/17/2006 07:39:00 AM ----- BODY:
*update...we're going back to linking the way cute picture of the little one and i because manually posting the pic here made my blog layout all weird...blogger can suck my toes. i'm not quite sure exactly when you started to exhibit this individual personality of yours, but i know i wasn't around when it started to become noticeable. playing the aunt role doesn't give me a ton of opportunities to participate in your life. especially when i seem to be so busy much of the time. however, i first noticed it when i was chosen to accompany you to your elementary school swim party. i don't have a lot of kid experience, and it was fascinating to me that finally you were starting to be your own little person and individuate yourself, yet you're only five and there are still many things you can't (and don't want to) do on your own. i don't blame you really, for not wanting to do things on your own. if i could give advice to you that you would understand, it would be to refrain from trying too hard to get to that point where you do everything on your own. there's more than enough time for that later and there is nothing you are going to miss out on. i started running around trying to do everything on my own by the time i was 14, and i wish i had just had the presence of mind to stay little for a while longer. i was honored to watch your 'graduation' from kindergarten to first grade. you're making friends and forming outside relationships which is so important to do, even at five (yesterday during the slide show of your field trip, everyone chanted the names of the other kids they saw in the pictures...once in a while we were treated to an excited "ME" as one of you would recognize yourselves). you can write (although we still need your translation for some things...like when 'i help look under grandma's bed' becomes 'i welf loo in gu bad' on paper). you can sing about visiting a farm and all the different ways the animals say hello to you. i'm not even your mom and it hurts a little to watch you grow up so flipping fast; i can only imagine how she might feel. the thing is, i wonder that maybe all of us might feel more of a sense of posession for you than is normal. most of us were there when you were born since, sadly, your dad was not even enough of a man to hang around part time after finding out that you were going to be born. unfortunately enough, his answer to your mom was 'you're on your own' (and my heart breaks for you whenever i think of this...to the point where i want to hurt him for it and probably would if i ever saw him again, though i would never say that to you). so we were there instead, your aunts, grandma and great-aunt, to be there when you arrived. i gave you your first bath, i watched you take your first breath on your own. when it was time for your mom to go back to work part-time it was me that took care of you during those first couple of months. i remember when she dropped you off on the first morning...her excitement for a few hours on her own in the "adult world" did nothing to cover up the new mom guilt she was feeling at leaving you. having seen that, i realized it probably wasn't a good time to remind her that i didn't really know how to take care of babies...never had before. i was 22 years old at the time, and had just in that past year learned how to really take care of myself on my own. but she seemed to have enough confidence in me which is probably what saved me; if she thought i could do it, then i damn well would. i had more fun with you than i had thought i would. you were an excellent nap-taker after your breakfast. i would drag myself out of bed to greet you at 7am (no matter what time i had been out 'till the night before), eat breakfast with you and then we would curl up and take a nap. sometimes you took a nap with my roommate at the time because you were just so cute people wanted you around (still do). i enjoyed having you there more than i really thought i would, and was actually sad when it was time for you to start going to daycare. i missed you. because of these things i have always felt like my connection to you was a bit deeper than a regular aunt (especially since the both of us are considered the little ones in the family)...certainly a little more unique. yesterday i watched your teacher list off in public, secrets that she had gleaned from you and your small classmates. what you wanted to be when you grew up. this is where things such as 'i want to be a princess' are said very seriously, and you are all so hopeful and naturally naive that you believe that can really happen. you want to be a race car driver, and i hope to god that you can be. yesterday while i was watching you grow up a little more and get a little farther away from all of us, i realized something about myself. any time i say to anyone that when it really comes down to it, i don't know that i want kids i'm not saying that because i don't like kids. it's not said because i'm worried about having to carry a child. it's not said because i'm afraid of hard work or the responsibility. i say it because i know that i love things too much. eventually you have to let little ones go; i have a hard enough time doing that with people that aren't even in my family. god only knows how i would let a child of mine go. but yesterday excited me at the same time. this is the first of many opportunities to witness you growing and changing; and i'm blessed to be a part of it. and god willing, i will be around for that cliche' moment when i get to tell your dates about your propensity for peeing on people as a baby.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: happiness is... DATE: 6/15/2006 08:41:00 AM ----- BODY:
----rediscovering my L7 albums...because they didn't really seem to have a great fondness for men either.

----successfully getting my ass to work on time via public transportation (actually, i really shouldn't be applauding myself...i should be applauding piglet because this morning i drove to her house which is only a few miles away & took the bus with her). side note: i still have yet to write the blog entitled 'taking crazy for a bus ride' which illustrates my first effort at getting home on the bus the other day. not to mention my f*&(-up yesterday trying to get here which included being 23 minutes late & taking the wrong buses.

----figuring out after months of owning and using it, that my ipod will store pictures. this would seem to be an indicator that i should really read the info. provided to me with the purchase of a product.

----getting paid tomorrow so that i can now avoid the following things: a. eating top ramen for so many days in a row that i begin to feel ill and my body protests (there's a reason why college-aged kids can get away with this). b. borrowing money like a huge loser. c. weighing how insane the neighbors will think i am if i intrude on their BBQ and ask for food. ----the realization while trying in vain to curl my hair this morning (the fact that i spent 45 minutes curling it only to have it flop due to the sheer strength of my dead ends was almost enough to push me over the edge) that it would be the last time for a while that i would stare at the mirror with pure hatred.

----my weekend starting this evening since i have tomorrow off for the boy's birthday.

----three weeks off of crazy pills and no breakdowns to show for it.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: edie brickell DATE: 6/11/2006 08:26:00 AM ----- BODY:
What do you say when it's all been said How do you feel when it's all been felt Where do you go when it's all gone And you don't care enough to carry on.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: dis connected DATE: 6/10/2006 11:29:00 AM ----- BODY:
disconnection has begun...where it becomes a struggle to really care about much of anything. i'm like this phone...

...except i'm not quite sure how long it's really been since i've actually been connected to my receiver. and so, my next trick is to find ways to connect again. points of interest? things that don't help:

a. someone telling me that i'm always unhappy when they talk to me and have been for way longer than when i started the pills and how frustrating it is for them. or being asked why i never say "i'm just great" when they ask how i am.

a1. no, i am not always unhappy.

a2. how often do you respond with "i'm just great" when people ask you how you are? not to mention responding with "i'm just great" in an over excited squirrel voice.

a3. is that seriously how you offer your support to someone?

a4. how damn frustrating do you think it is for me to be weird/unhappy/angry/frustrated during the times that i am?

b. watching friend after friend become engaged.

c. the fact that my hair sucks and i don't have the money to do anything about it until next week.

d. the ease with which i suck time lately because i get lost somewhere in my head...i actually have to set a timer on my breaks now otherwise i run the risk of wandering an hour away and having nothing to show for it when i'm supposed to be working.

i'm like my own experiment lately.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: my resume kicks some corporate booty DATE: 6/09/2006 10:21:00 PM ----- BODY:
thanks matthew. **the x's are either stuff i have to complete or stuff that's been blanked out because it's a pretty identifying detail. Objective To contribute positively to XXXXXXXXX while utilizing my personal strengths and while furthering my knowledge & skills. Experience May 2002 - present XXXXXX Company Seattle, WA Customer Relations Representative / executive liaison team · Allocate case work on a day to day basis to achieve volume expectations and meet service level agreements. · Mentor employees with performance opportunities, leading them to higher levels of personal satisfaction & professional competence. · Chosen for and supported the executive liaison role, which includes: Improving relations with and educating other internal departments about Customer Relations, Warranty Services & the XXXXX group ensuring a more consistent and effective response to our customers. Immediate resolution of multiple high profile cases that have come to the attention of the executive team involving; other company’s executives, celebrities, international business partners advisement and escalations that seek resolution beyond the customer contact center. Managing extremely complex cross departmental customer cases and employee interactions for immediate resolution. · Negotiate and determine resolution for issues such as claims of discrimination, harassment and threats of legal or media involvement to prevent claim referral to risk management or law & corporate affairs to protect XXXXXX brand. · Retain disaffected customers escalated through a customer relations representative by responding to and resolving product and service complaints. · Convey extensive corporate policies and company information to partners & customers. · Empowered to resolve, negotiate and adjust claims for personal injury, illness and property damage. June 2002 – July 2004 Therapeutic Health Services/Midvale Shoreline, WA Chemical Dependency Professional Intern · Drug Court liaison · Case management / Crisis Management · Facilitated multiple dependency treatment groups that assisted over XX patients. · Responsible for the individual counseling of XX patients May 1998 – February 2005 XXXXXX Company Seattle, WA Shift Supervisor · Supervised a team of employees through coaching and provided performance feedback and training. Maintained excellent employee morale and modeled change management practices. · Managed the establishing of policies and procedures, defined staffing & management requirements. · Responsible for interviewing, hiring and, when needed, discipline and termination of employees. · Administered cross shift projects; directly managed 5 partner with an annual departmental budget of twenty million dollars. · Managed and supervised up to 9 major projects at a time including all elements of scope, deadlines, budget adherence, logistics, risk management, quality control, procurement, human resources and labor compliance. Education 2000 - 2002 XXXXXX Community College Seattle, WA · XXX Chemical Dependency counseling hours · Completed course work specific to the field of Chemical Dependency Volunteer 2002 - 2003 XXXXXX Elementary School Shoreline, WA Project Facilitator · Tutored 2 classes with approximately 30 students per class. · Adhered to district regulations and deadlines while coordinating schedules for volunteers in the office. · Assisted diminished capacity students accomplish life-critical learning such as; literacy, basic arithmetic & social skills.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: if/then DATE: 6/08/2006 08:15:00 PM ----- BODY:
if you happened to have just gotten done arguing with someone because they couldn't just say "i understand" in the beginning of the conversation and you're in desperate need of a laugh that reaches the absolute core of your belly, then you should visit a store that is equipped with a self-checkout. i highly suggest waiting until the line is somewhat extended back from the meager 4 registers they usually provide you. make sure you heed the item number limit to avoid looking like an asshole (more on that later)...then just sit back and watch. self-checkouts sort of remind me of a fault line...they're where all the stupidity sort of runs together and meets in a raucous combination too much for the atmosphere to bear. however, whereas an actual fault line is not very funny at all...self-checkouts? pure comedy. i probably shouldn't be so judgmental...after all, i worked at fred meyer for a few years and so i have some skills that maybe others never learned or weren't blessed with. prime example? i happen to know what those things are on packaging that have been around since the 60s, with all the lines and numbers...i know that when you run them across that one sort of lighted screen it will make a sound and then something will show up on the register rewarding you for your hard work. of course, if i had never worked with materials similar to those found at self-checkouts, i actually could probably figure the whole bar code thing out seeing as how i've been watching others do it for me for years. although to be fair, some people actually do posess the extraordinary skills required to conquer those beastly machines. you'll notice that they almost have a swagger about them when approaching the register, as if they're about to mount a bull and ride that thing 'till the cows come home. usually in the middle of ringing up their 25 items (these are the ones that are so confident of their skills they believe that the item limit doesn't really apply to them...they don't actually consider themselves to be part of the moron market) you'll see them glancing about as if to say, "are you lookin'? 'cause i'm ringin' stuff up here. puttin' it in my bag. i've got it all figured it out". interestingly enough, more often than not, this particular customer is male. weird. that jerk i dated for so long? he said one, single, genuinely funny thing that caused me to roll with laughter throughout the entire 3+ year relationship. one day we were actually at fred meyer, waiting in the self-checkout line, watching with playful amusement. right before it was our turn to step up to the plate he very quietly and matter-of-factly said, "you know, people that make it through this should really get a round of applause when it's all over". yes, indeed...they should. pure comedy.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: action > reaction DATE: 6/07/2006 09:02:00 PM ----- BODY:
i say a lot of stuff. i say it in my blogs, i say it to my friends, i say it to my family and i say it to myself over and over again. the stuff i refer to are actions that i deem necessary for me to take...usually the actions are things i need to do to improve my life-mind-heart-head-social life-interactions with people (you get the point). the problem with stuff is that i tend to not act on it. i talk about it and imagine it for a moment and say that would be nice. action = reaction. and action is greater than reaction; only if one is no longer afraid of the reaction. i've waited years to say it and i finally can...i don't care what anyone thinks anymore. like i really don't care.*** i've been making a list for weeks in my head of what it is i need to do to be happy. i thank heaven above that i had the guts to throw out the pills because, while i would be the first to say that i needed them wholeheartedly at the time i began them, they had begun to keep me from progressing. for me, all they had ended up doing was cover up the anger, cover up the pain that i had avoided dealing with for so long (long enough to throw me in an angry state of depression). i realized a while back, how on earth can i work through/resolve something that i cannot feel? while getting through the last few weeks has most definitely not been a pretty picnic at the beach (i still get the dizzy/tingly skin/out of my head feeling from time to time, and i have to admit that the lows have been frightening in their familiarity) i feel awake. i feel alive. i feel angry...but it's my anger that will cause me to act. i can't be numb and fix what needs fixing. besides...pain and anger are a part of our instinct that tells us when something is not right; things that alert us to the fact that we should back away slowly from the offending person/situation in order to preserve our selves. i need that...because i have not been great about backing away from what hurts me. and it really doesn't matter one bit that all the people i interact with don't read this...because i'll know it. and so the following stuff (point of interest...if i've called you a friend i love you to the death, but if i'm doing things differently it might become uncomfortable for you-but it might not-if it does you will still support me if you're a real friend. if you become irritated with me or find yourself being unable to support me it will be obvious...and that's ok, because at this point that's something i want to know): #no more covering my feelings up under the guise of "being polite". the aforementioned is part of the reason why i've ended up where i've ended up. so...if you hurt/upset/anger/disrespect me, you can bet your sweet ass you're going to know about it. #i am getting my procrastinating butt applied to school and i'm giving myself a month deadline to have it done by. #i will no longer sit and stew in situations where i am uncomfortable just to keep others happy and/or comfortable. i made the first step to that one at work today. #no more allowances for stepping over my personal boundaries. #i am going to let go of that huge painful thing that i've held onto for dear life thus far. this means rewriting my story and posting it here...and then finding some convenient spot to burn it (and a good supportive friend who won't freak out when i cry like a baby one last time, to accompany me) and give myself the permission to let it all go. i might never get the chance to say to that person what i really want to say...so it's up to me to fix it.

#i must get my hair done by (not this saturday) next saturday. it's making me crazy.

#start to actually help my mom more, rather than just think of all the things i could do to help her out.

i'm sure there's probably more. but i think this is a pretty tall order in itself. it's time to start having higher expectations of myself, rather than having high expectations of others.

***disclaimer: the statement "i don't care what anyone thinks anymore" refers only to what people think about what i do/how i live my life/how i fix myself/the things i need to do for myself. most certainly if something i did in any of those categories hurt another, i would care.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: it's not that i don't care...it's that i really shouldn't. DATE: 6/06/2006 12:45:00 PM ----- BODY:
"I’m guessing that you could care less, but I just wanted to tell you, because for some reason I felt compelled to do so, that I had a dream last night and you were in it. it was no big deal, but I was alone at a park and I was getting ready to leave when you walked past me. you looked at me and smiled, but we didn’t talk. I don’t know what it means, if anything, but it was the first time I’ve seen you in my minds eye in a long long time and I wanted you to know that when I saw you I missed you." sweet, right? it smacks of poetic even, right? right. a. stating that it was the first time you 'saw me in your minds eye'...am i supposed to surmise that as the first time you've really spent time thinking of someone that used to be a friend? someone who was your friend for years? b. is that the first time you missed me? because i missed you a lot sooner than this. explain that one...please. c. why are you telling me this? am i supposed to drop my pride on someone who made the mistake of saying things that shouldn't be said between "just friends" and then expected me to suffer for that mistake by being the friend who has to be ignored, all because of an insecure girlfriend who checks up on them and reads their emails? d. why for all of it? i'd like that one answered. why, after being a friend of yours for so freaking long, was i the first one to get put aside when the problems you were having had nothing at all to do with me? answer those, then maybe i can act like i care. sounds harsh, i know. but i've spent too many years so far allowing others to treat me in a second rate manner...too many years being an 'easy target'. it was all my doing; just as what it's going to take to undo it is my doing too. i've already started. because, really, how is anyone supposed to value a person that readily accepts less than they deserve time and time again? but at the same time...i get it. i went through something similar before i even got that email from you, although it wasn't about you. sometimes past things hit you right between your head and heart in a way that takes your breath away. like ignoring someone & something for so long (because you think maybe that's easier than dealing) that you forget how well you used to know (and maybe even love?) them in a different world...until it hits you so hard in a moment that it stops you-and smarts just as harshly as it did right after whatever happened that caused you to walk away from them. i get it. so, it's not that i don't care...it's that i really shouldn't.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: there are no words for how hilarious this is... DATE: 6/06/2006 07:27:00 AM ----- BODY:

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Kunstemæcker DATE:6/06/2006 01:14:00 PM damnit, the first one is a haircut I really want myself. I didn't even realise it was linked to emo-kids.

I must be getting old. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Kelly Bean DATE:6/06/2006 02:32:00 PM if you care for yourself at all...don't do it. ----- --------