AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: i'm done with you today DATE: 7/26/2006 02:27:00 PM ----- BODY:
"It's a truly liberating thing to know that I don't have to respect your wishes, because you still don't have respect for mine or consideration for me as a person. No, as long as you continue to minimize what really happened and dodge ownership of it, if you feel the need to contact me, I am not going to spare you what I think. I have no obligation to. All this interaction has told me is that you're not really as better as I would have hoped you'd be by now. You obviously don't understand that I have harsh feelings for you because you still don't realize or fully and completely acknowledge what you did. That's part of the "getting better" process for people like you that apparently you haven't gotten to yet. After two alleged years, that's sad. So on that note, it's really not me who's attempting to "throw things" in your face. I will quote you: "Ive found someone that I really love and were engaged". Did I ask you for that information? No. Do I really care? No. And I'm sure you realize that on some level..." i have pictured this moment for over three years. i started picturing it when i really hit bottom in that relationship-when i finally started to admit to myself that it wasn't ever going to get any better...that the only things i would walk away with were a big fat hard-earned lesson and (eventually) a little more strength to put in my pocket. you did horrible things to me, called me horrible names, hit me, cheated on me and did your damndest to break me (and you came really close to achieving that). the things you did hurt my family & friends because they care about me. eventually, i started hurting them too by lying to them in order to be with you. i lost a best friend because of you. i gave up my dignity, friends, self-respect, freedom, independence, trust and love for you. at some point, you even had me believing that i really didn't deserve any better and so i stayed and took the blame for every single one of your disgusting actions. sick. there really isn't any other word for it. i was sick too, though. that's really the most crucial part of the whole thing-you personally, were really of no consequence; you could have been anyone because all you were was a message that life was trying to smack me upside the head with (literally in this case). it's taken longer than i wanted to get 'okay'...to respect myself and demand the same of others because i realize that i deserve that (and a lot more). but i did it. part of it still lingered around though. i should probably thank you for your recent violation of my boundaries rather than resent you for it-in fact i do thank you. a tiny little part of me lived in fear of that all this time...of running into you somewhere...of you finding me. i froze up just thinking about it. as it turns out i didn't have to be afraid. you are no match for me. i was never on the same level as you were but i misled myself to believing that i was-and heaven knows you tried your best to bring me down there. i had the distinct pleasure of walking away from this recent (and hopefully last) interaction with you with my power still blissfully in tact. i. have. never. been able to do that with you-i never believed that i could. the fact that i did has helped me to realize that i don't have to be afraid of men, especially you. there's nothing to be afraid of because no one can do anything to me unless i allow it. i have all the control in my world. i've had my power back for a while-i just haven't taken the opportunity to use it where i've really needed to, to let this all go. and it's not like in the movies where i thank you for beating me up inside and out so that i could learn these lessons and be the person i am today. i have not been hit by some all-forgiving, all-loving light that allows me to see you any differently than i used to. i'm not bitter and i'm not angry-but nor do i have to think fondly of you. i prefer to thank the universe for making sure i ended where i'm supposed to and i don't harbor any hatred for the means it chose in order to get me to this particular end. i half imagined that when i got here i would feel 100 pounds lighter or there would be some huge change in me that i could feel. i should have known better-it was a slow process and in a way my own changes sort of snuck up on me. i have come thousands of miles from where i was. i even find that i've sort of forgotten what it felt like to be that scared-to-death little person. but i've finally gotten here. it's a quiet kind of peace; like falling asleep. i'm done with you today.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Anonymous DATE:7/26/2006 08:26:00 PM oh my god, sneetch. That's the most honest clear thinking and emotion i have ever read about surviving an abusive relationship. I want it published! i want other people to read it so they know they can come out on the other side whole and intact. Thank you from the bottom of my being for sharing that with us. You are an amazing role model for all that you have accomplished and done for yourself. you are a beautiful jewel. love you, p ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger that guy DATE:7/27/2006 12:52:00 AM you super powers are growing. soon you will join me in the land of the invincible and brave, and the peace you feel when you realize you're the mistress of your own mu'fu'in destiny is incredible. that's real strempf, and you've got it in you. i seen it. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Sorlil DATE:7/27/2006 02:30:00 AM I can't imagine the courage that took, what can I say except that I may not know you but I'm proud of you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Kelly Bean DATE:7/27/2006 08:01:00 PM i love you all for caring about me in any capacity, regardless of how long or how i know you. and thank you for seeing the things in me that i want to continue seeing in myself. part of the journey of getting here was aided by you, and people like you; and i'm more grateful than anyone will ever really know. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: value DATE: 7/25/2006 04:02:00 PM ----- BODY:
i have the whole being-up-front/not-burrowing-my-thoughts-away-when-i-have-just-as-much-right-to-share-them-as-anyone-else thing down. i at least have it tackled for the most part. something is still missing though and the fact that i have that first thing going on but not much else, is causing more frustration than is really bearable. much of the time i sort of get the impression that i'm talking to myself in a dark, locked up room-at least i'm doing the talking, but there isn't a lot of listening going on. i am not valuing myself. hence, the fact that there aren't a ton of people out there who are really valuing me either. the two go hand in hand...like *peas and carrots*. no one is going to place value on what i don't already value about myself-they'll have no reason to. during the past few days i have taken a mental inventory of my personal relationships...it caused me to ask a lot of 'whys'. why. why. why. it took a few days and some mental struggle but i figured it out. were i to place value on what i should have been valuing all along probably the following things would no longer be things i had to deal with as a condition of choosing to be around the people i do: +being snapped at (or being told that the conversation i want to have is ridiculous) for asking questions about a relationship (that i have every right to ask) because it seems that maybe the other party would rather set something aside and not deal with it (consequently setting me aside on a shelf as well so as to not have to make any hard decisions or put forth any effort). +feeling as if i put more effort into some relationships than other parties do. +feeling as if i'm the one who usually puts more consideration into other people's feelings. +being told to 'wait' for an indefinite amount of time, and not be given any type of idea what kind of boundaries that waiting period entails, for someone else to decide what it is that they want out of a relationship. +being constantly interrupted by every single person in my life. +the failure of some friends to include me in things. +the failure of my family to realize that if something in my life or something that i want to do is important enough for me to value, that if they support me they should value it too. +feeling as if there are only precious few people in my life that truly listen to what i'm saying at any given time. +feeling as if i am one of the very last priorities in a lot of people's lives when in those cases i should actually feel fairly high up their on the priority list. +friends that say they want to spend time with me but somehow never get around to it. +those who have had the impression that my feelings can be messed around with and that i'll still stick around for more. it's just getting to be too much to deal with and too much to think about. instead of just 'saying' that i do, it's time to start actually placing a high value on myself and then maybe the people that are close to me (that aren't doing so already) might realize that they should be doing the same. because, hey...if you know you are important as all hell to me and you claim that i am the same, how on earth am i supposed to fit it all together if your actions don't say the same? i will worry about what i need to do and what's important to me...because it's plainly obvious that worrying about everyone else and what's important to them is getting me absolutely nowhere. my first step will be to plan a weekend away, just for me-to go exactly where i want to go and do exactly what i want to do. and if that involves shutting everyone out for a weekend in order to take in some scenery somewhere and have some quiet, then that's okay.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Sorlil DATE:7/25/2006 05:08:00 PM I've discovered that others only recognise your worth when you first recognise your own worth, it may seem harsh but I agree with the Stoic that "the wise man is content with himself and therefore needs no friend" - he desires friendship and has a better life for having it but he is self-contented and therefore does not need friends but wants friends. This puts less strain and expectation on friendship and actually allows friendship to flourish better and as a result provides more fulfillment and less disappointment. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Kelly Bean DATE:7/26/2006 07:45:00 AM it's interesting the way you so efficiently tied together all the concepts that the wisest friend i have has shared with me many times. less expectations=less disappointment. place value on yourself=others will follow. thank you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Sorlil DATE:7/26/2006 08:18:00 AM so you've heard it all before, it's easier said than done eh?! :) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Kelly Bean DATE:7/26/2006 09:22:00 AM i think that most things in life are easier said than done...the fact that it is difficult means that it's worth it though. :) ----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: the bridge is on fire DATE: 7/21/2006 04:07:00 PM ----- BODY:
i made a joke the other day to my supervisor during a mixed company conversation in the middle of our little cube cluster. it was a joke about how if i ever were to get to the absolute end of my rope with this place that i wouldn't be giving a ton of notice-i would sort of say i'm done and be gone. i explained that i burn bridges. that's just what i do. not expecting a response from an off-hand comment, i was surprised when a co-worker asked why. he certainly could have been joking, but it was a serious sounding why, so i started to process it seriously. why do i do that? seriously. i thought about all the bridges i'd burned with people in my life and tried to mold them all together to come up with a reason why they'd all been cut off (sometimes dramatically) on my side of the proverbial bridge. why can't i just get along with everyone? my thought process actually yielded something productive. the following are the general reasons why one might get black-balled, so to speak, from any type of participation in my life: .a to put it very simply-playing games with my feelings/heart/head (or even the perception that one's actions are intended to do so). .b punching me in the face/head (essentially, causing me any bodily harm-especially when that was the intent). in my own rationalizations, these are excellent justifications for giving someone the final finger and refusing to acknowledge them further. so basically, if you've done either of these things to me at any point, you probably got shunned (maybe not at first, but eventually, when i mustered the courage and the time was right, it happened). a very important part of the equation, however, is the fact that it takes the moving of mountains to mend that bridge once i've lit it up once. some might call this "holding a grudge". i don't. i realize that there is a lot that i will work with when it comes to someone's faults-knowing that it takes me a lot to get to the breaking point, it would just make good rational sense that it would take a lot for me to come back. that's not a grudge. to sum up-if you've been smoked out of my life entirely, count yourself lucky if i ever attempt to wave an olive branch in your direction, or take the time to see yours waving. i burn bridges for pretty good reasons and when someone causes me a good deal of pain (note-one may not think their actions were pain-inducing, but it's all about me really and how much it hurt). that's just what i do.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger BD DATE:7/22/2006 09:25:00 AM Burning bridges, I might come back to this... ----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: funny. ass. bitches. DATE: 7/20/2006 12:38:00 PM ----- BODY:
i forced myself to go to a birthday party last night. when i say forced-it's not that i had to force myself because of whose birthday party it was because, really, i just recently met her, but do absolutely love the girl. i say forced because it's become apparent to me that it is easier than i had first thought to slip back into the stage of desperately needing medication. i know because i almost went back this week in a moment of 'i-can't-handle-my-emotions-please-poke-my-eyes-out-so-i-don't-have-to-deal' weakness. no. i just. won't. do it. (sidebar: not to mention that by going-i got to wear the new sex kitten shoes.) i had never been to the whiskey bar which is cleverly located in a prime people watching spot downtown on 2nd ave., complete with a cozy patio area outside & barrels for tables (yes, barrels...and they came in oh-so-handy when it came time to fold myself up in order to release all pressure on my aching feet-damn you shoes). nice to know it's there (yay for $1 PBRs)-nice to see cute V. having fun and all dressed up on her birthday-nice to meet new friends that i get an absolute kick out of. we met A. as we walked in & upon being introduced to her i immediately thought, this is a genuine person. i appreciate this more than words can explain. when you are truly genuine, i know exactly what i am dealing with at all times-i know what you think-i know exactly how to interact with you. i liked her right off the bat. i liked her even more when she started sharing her people watching game with me. i had mentioned how much i enjoy people watching especially now after developing my shoe problem since that's what i look at the most (regretfully-i judge them on the basis of their shoes as well...it's sick, i know). "there's this game i play when people watching if you want to know about it," she says to me at one point. game? i like games. "so, when you see someone walking down the street, you have to guess what type of music they listen to based on their appearance alone." this disappointed me. it was comically easy for one thing-rap/rock/punk, etc.-and certainly not a funny game. i said nothing of my disappointment though. i continued in my valiant attempt to see what was funny about it. that is until we both looked at the same bohemian/hemp/long skirt-wearing youngish lady and she blurted out, "sarah mclaughlin". then i realized what was funny about it. (disclaimer: i enjoy sarah with all my heart and soul, so the posting of this was in no way a dig.) at that moment, i got her and seriously enjoyed her conversation and ended up laughing with her and piglet the rest of the night. apparently she enjoyed the company of piglet and i equally as well as evidenced by a moment when a friend of hers showed up and casually asked what was going on. her reply? i've been hanging out and cracking up all night with these funny ass bitches. i'd never been called a funny ass bitch before...i quite enjoyed it. i responded in kind by telling her that i had actually thought that she was the funny ass bitch, not us (because i really had). all the way home i congratulated myself on forcing my body out of the house to socially interact with others. i have a new friend-i got a little closer to another friend-i laughed and had a genuine good time for the first time in a while-i learned a new game...best of all, i brought my brain back from the hole that it had started to burrow and retreat to.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: what i cannot do DATE: 7/19/2006 03:32:00 PM ----- BODY:
Mindfulness is the aware, balanced acceptance of the present experience. It isn't more complicated that that. It is opening to or recieving the present moment, pleasant or unpleasant, just as it is, without either clinging to it or rejecting it. ~~~Sylvia Boorstein i cannot control the actions of others and as such, cannot control whether i get hurt or not if i am choosing to care about someone or something. i can choose how much i get hurt-i can choose how much i will attach to something. i can choose how i will react. i cannot live in the past or the future because if i do i will be in a never-ending cycle of understanding nothing that happens to me. i can choose to live in the present-in this day and in this minute. i cannot make people stay-if their plan is to walk away i have to accept that and know that if they are walking away, it means that something greater will take their place. i can choose how i will react to their absence-i can choose whether it will tear me apart or whether it will make me stronger. i cannot forget that i come from a place of strength-of "strong feminine" as it was recently called-not weakness. i can choose to listen to the friends that keep reminding me of that. i cannot forget that strength sometimes intimidates people, particularly men. but that for every single person-male, female, friend or family-that can't handle it there will be someone to take their place. i can choose to remember, and will, that women come from a place very different than men and are built to withstand and interact with life in a way that men are not. i cannot hold this against them if this is the way the universe meant it to be. i can love someone more than life itself and give them whatever they need in a time of weakness for them, and trust that if the same were to happen to me again (because it has) that they would be there in the same capacity (as they have before).

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger business voodoo DATE:8/04/2006 02:21:00 PM awesome blog ... keep it up ...
from a plain belly sneetch
peace & harmony,
elaine
'freedom must be exercised to stay in shape!' ----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: cranberries {free to decide}-1994 DATE: 7/18/2006 05:11:00 PM ----- BODY:
It's not worth anything more than this at all, I live as I choose or I will not live at all So return to where you've come from Return to where you dwell Because harassments not my forte But you do it very well. I'm free to decide... And I'm not so suicidal after all I'm free to decide... And Im not so suicidal after all... You must have nothing more with your mind to do There's a war in russia and sarejevo, too So to hell with what you're thinking And to hell with your narrow mind You're so distracted from the real thing You should leave your life behind... Im free to decide...

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: the end of an era DATE: 7/17/2006 03:56:00 PM ----- BODY:
it used to boast 'not submitted'. now if one had the password and pin required to look at my university application status they would see the following: Submission Status: Submitted Submitted Date: 7/17/2006 6:16:00 PM E.S.T. since i haven't really analyzed it and further, don't feel the need, i couldn't really say why it took me so long. i can say this-sometimes when you know you you are heading towards that place where everything and everybody really just blows, it can actually motivate you to do something for yourself that you had put off for too long. so because of that i say, *cheers* to everyone who has played a hand in my poker game of personal unhappiness for the past couple of weeks. i owe you one.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger kay-see DATE:7/18/2006 07:54:00 AM As a former "perma-student", congrats! I'm excited for you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Kelly Bean DATE:7/18/2006 01:35:00 PM Thanks...I'm trying to find a way to loop the system and just go to school the rest of my natural born life in order to dodge student loans forever. :) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger kay-see DATE:7/18/2006 01:37:00 PM Oooh, that's smart. I fear they will be the death of me. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Kelly Bean DATE:7/18/2006 05:01:00 PM I fear no one. :) (Well...not really) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger business voodoo DATE:8/04/2006 02:26:00 PM end of an era ... and visions of this so-called ethereal bliss ....

one can only imagine what happens after one submits.

peace & harmony,
elaine
'freedom must be exercised to stay in shape!'

(www.myspace.com/velvetbabies) ----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: 1. 2. 3. DATE: 7/16/2006 08:51:00 AM ----- BODY:
rundown. .1 the option of working ridiculous OT at home, for me, has a taste of irony. though i am working during 55% of my waking weekend time, since i am at home, it's a bit like taking the down time that i usually don't afford myself. let's face it, how much energy is one really exerting sitting at home on a computer in their sweats? also-it's really not so bad-sort of like waking up and watching cartoons, only they're customer cartoons that i'm reading instead. .2 P-though months may go by before we see each other and it turns out sort of exhausting (it's a good sort of tired though-i assure you) to catch each other up b/c there's just so much to go over, somehow it still ends up feeling as if i just saw you the other day. i think this is one of the tests of a truly lovely friendship-the fact that we can still connect so well after so much time. i have grown to love the particular way in which we exchange ideas and feelings and sort of mold together in a cozy place during a conversation. without a doubt, i have grown more from my friendship with you than from any other relationship. thank you for your honesty, your candor, your trust, your love of life and your willingness to share yourself without holding back. no matter how old we get, there will always be room at the inn-or bungalow-or house...wherever i end up you are welcome there. .3 piglet-i couldn't even possibly explain how valuable it was for you to say what you said to me on friday. you deserve good things. you deserve to be happy. you deserve to have fun. you are a great person. these are things i think we all know deep down-sometimes we need to be reminded and because you reminded me it allowed my heart to grow a little bigger. i love you for it. sometimes i need reminders of my blessings. thank you weekend, for giving me those.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: shoe rape DATE: 7/15/2006 10:47:00 AM ----- BODY:
there is one thing that i imagine could cheer me up a bit in almost any situation (barring death or dismemberment) or at the very least allow me a moment of reprieve from troubles...shoes. new shoes. new expensive shoes. being on the V.I.P. list for fluevog has the potential to be very dangerous if one finds that they're troubled frequently lately. for example, one gets invited to private parties held in their classy little store where they begin the seduction with a glass of wine and some great conversation. they know exactly what they're doing. they somehow get one to share that secret desire to die like amelda marcos... before you know it you're trying on shoes, just trying, just to see...unique, beautiful shoes that hug your feet and can make even the most unmanicured toes look pretty. the worries of the day melt away a bit. it doesn't take long to break down-i dare any woman to say no in that situation. instead of date rape-it's shoe rape. this is what broke me down:

i was no match for them. i know it's shameful. don't judge me.

(rational arguments: 1. they were on sale and 2. they are no longer making shoes with the broken leather.)

and no-the shoes did not mend a broken heart or reduce any stress or anything that would have been worthwhile. but just for a moment, it was oh so nice to live in that world for a while as a means to take a break from mine.

(and as for cheering me up a bit, it didn't hurt that as i was standing outside for a moment during the party i got a "damn you look goooo" from a dude walking down the street. it was the shoes.)

(also-the whole shoe rape thing? total exageration; i have a great fondness for the kids at the pine-or pike-store. i heart them.)

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: ...lewd conduct... DATE: 7/14/2006 03:35:00 PM ----- BODY:
attention grabbing isn't it? i know. out of a call center of over 50 individuals this is the phrase that my ears picked today-and it was probably the only thing i thought was truly funny all day. it just doesn't get used enough. lewd conduct. please note that this term is not wholly to refer to sexual conduct...it is also defined as obscene conduct/behavior. obscene is loosely defined as disgusting behavior-this can encompass a wide range of things. besides just being a damn funny phrase for some reason-it's funny that i picked it out today of all days, at the end of a week in which i've had ample opportunity to use it (total side note? get a grip-also a phrase that doesn't get used nearly enough). a brief rundown of my lewd week... ...so sayeth the asshole (i've taken the liberty of correcting glaring grammar/spelling errors): "I've been through two years of personal anger managment, which is going great. I love going, and I'm also helping other people. I knew I wasn't screwed up, it was just a controlling thing which I could never confess, but it was." note: personal anger management and domestic violence counseling are two vastly different things. sadly, you ended up in the wrong i'm-really-not-quite-sure-how-to-be-a-decent-human grade school class. if this was supposed to impress me, it does not. "I have a little boy...who is a year and half." note: i pray to god in heaven that you don't eventually turn him into a little you...much as you turned into a mini-me of your father. "I will never forgive myself for the way I treated you...I still love you Kelly and I always will...You dont know how sorry I am for everything Ive done." note: i also pray to god in heaven that you drown and choke on those sentiments. you are correct, i do not know how sorry you are, i never did-probably because you are not and never were. p.s. it is over three and a half years too late and you didn't even deserve the opportunity to say it to me...not to mention the fact that i didn't invite them. ...oh name that i won't mention, you actually get the prize for best showmanship of lewd conduct this week. no, what i initially said was not kind, nor sensitive, nor considerate and i'm not proud of it. however, the response i received was a response you might expect from someone when you walk into their house brandishing a machete, a sword and numbchucks swinging. i miss the hell out of you and sort of wish that i was in the really bad adam sandler movie that just came out where i could rewind situations and erase them, but we won't even get started on what it's done to my heart and you have done nothing other than a text message to try to stave that.. p.s. the best thing to do in a situation such as this does not actually involve leaving someone to sit with these types of feelings until their feelings for you dry up and shrivel away. ...thank you aunt for your third-prize-winning lewd conduct: "Sorry I left so abruptly. I can't seem to be around your mother very long any more I'm sorry to say. When she's around all I hear is whine, whine, whine and I know she has problems but she reminds me too much of Dad." you provided me the opportunity to state the following (it was fascinatingly liberating): While I appreciate your honesty, all would have been fine had you not spoke about my Mother to me the way you just did in that email. It didn't offend me that you left my party-people weren't required to stay until a certain time, I was just happy people wanted to come and spend time with me, I was happy that you came for the time that you were there. As for what you just emailed to me, I really don't think it's appropriate for you to whine to me about my Mother, your sister. If you have a problem with her and/or your relationship with her you should probably speak to her about it in an honest way rather than speak to third parties (especially when that third party is someone's daughter). I'm not angry with you, but I love my Mom a lot, and I don't need to hear people speak negatively to me about her. As for what happens in this family, which is that people don't say what they think to each other-personally that's what I'm tired of. Not specific people, not their personalities, but the way in which we all dance around what we really think because that's really not what adults should be doing-especially ones that claim to care about each other. So as to not hurt my Mother I'm not going to share what you just said in this email, besides the fact that it's really not my place to share other people's opinions, especially those that I don't share. Also, just in the interest of sharing, I've tired of the self-righteousness too-it seems we all have fingers to point as to what's wrong with everyone else, but rarely do we point the finger at ourselves which is where it belongs. People worry about your drinking, for example, yet never say anything to you about it-that is a concern I actually share so I'm comfortable telling you that-I worry about it too and I worry that it will affect your health at some point because I care about you. And if you get angry that I said that, that's your right-but you're still family and I still love you. it really is a hilarious expression...i should actually be thanking the three of you for the inspiration to use it.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: why-when you hear them at that particular right moment-are sad songs so true? DATE: 7/13/2006 12:40:00 PM ----- BODY:
thank you, joni mitchell, for causing the well to start while trying to respond thoughtfully to the most trivial complaints to have ever graced anyone's desk. Rows and floes of angel hair And ice cream castles in the air And feather canyons everywhere I've looked at clouds that way. But now they only block the sun They rain and snow on everyone So many things I would have done But clouds got in my way. I've looked at clouds from both sides now From up and down, and still somehow It's clouds illusions I recall I really dont know clouds at all. Moons and junes and ferris wheels The dizzy dancing way you feel As every fairy tale comes real Ive looked at love that way, But now it's just another show You leave em laughing when you go And if you care, don't let them know Dont give yourself away. I've looked at love from both sides now From give and take, and still somehow It's loves illusions I recall, I really dont know love at all. Tears and fears and feeling proud To say I love you right out loud Dreams and schemes and circus crowds I've looked at life that way, But now old friends are acting strange They shake their heads, they say I've changed Well somethings lost, but somethings gained In living every day I've looked at life from both sides now From win and lose and still somehow It's lifes illusions I recall I really dont know life at all Ive looked at life from both sides now From up and down, and still somehow It's lifes illusions I recall, I really dont know life at all.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: strange DATE: 7/12/2006 10:19:00 PM ----- BODY:
how efficiently things can change. of course maybe, it's just a matter of different signs. there are some things that i know to be true, and they are as follows: .1. often when we are angry at ourselves but the anger is too much to deal with on our own, we will point it towards entities that don't deserve it-often those that are closest to us. .2. granted this is a general statement and based only on my own personal experience but more often than not, it is men who exhibit the above. .3. sometimes when those we love are right about something we wish to god they weren't right about, they will be the greatest bearers of the above anger. .4. sometimes when we reach the kind of anger that has one intention, and one intention only which is to push someone away in the moment because we can't deal with what we might have caused, we will still somehow try to cry out to them when the anger is at its most potent. however, we won't see at the time that the most unhealthy thing that other party that we are pushing and pulling with can do is respond directly to that anger in the same manner. .5. it is one of the most difficult tasks in life when someone is screaming at you, wanting you to respond to that small child in them that never got healed up in the same manner that the child is responding to you with, to walk away (knowing that if you respond in kind it only proves to tap into and worsen that unhealthy part of you that you're trying to heal). and even while this evening's goings on rattle in my head, threatening to derail, i still vacilate as to whether it is a good thing or a bad thing, that i know so much about other people's anger.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: thanking the universe DATE: 7/12/2006 08:03:00 PM ----- BODY:
almost every single one of my blogging friends has written something about signs recently. i will point out that the reason i write about them now is not necessarily because of the fact that everyone else has-i should point out, however, that the fact that they all did, probably helped me to see my own and recognize them enough to be thankful for them. so thank you to all of you. my recent sign (okay...my sign today) was a bit different i think. it was the sort of hind-sight sign that makes you say (because at the time you couldn't be thankful in the correct way, probably due to dysfunctionalism and/or not wanting to see what was in front of your eyes) "thank god/allah/mother earth/father time/what-have-you, that someone else took the place in life that i could have ended up having because of the choices i was making at the time". i won't bore anyone with the details (not to mention that the details make me look like the biggest idiot to ever have graced the earth)...just know that there really are signs. someone, somewhere is looking out for us and ensuring that we learn the lessons that we are supposed to learn, and only in the unique ways we are supposed to learn them. i know this is mostly vague (which is okay because i enjoy a bit of mystery now and again) but the important part is clear. thank you to all of the things/people/events that were supposed to stand in my way at a time in my life when i refused to stand in the way of myself, so that i could end up to where i was supposed to be. thank you for where i am now which is so much better in comparison to where i could have been.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: ghosts that don't seem to find the appropriate closet DATE: 7/11/2006 01:40:00 PM ----- BODY:
over three years later an email is influential enough to tie my stomach up in a knot so complex that even the saltiest sailor could not untie it. i should note that this reaction is actually improved from the one i used to be privileged to-it used to hit me in the stomach so hard i couldn't breathe for a while. i suppose a day or so of nausea and anxiety is better than an emotional punch in the gut. over the course of a year or two i tried to say something in various ways that never got through-either to me or the other party. i tried to say it with a restraining order. i tried saying it with the police. i tried screaming it. i tried saying it through only god knows how many tears. i tried to say it by changing the locks. i tried to let my male friends say it. i tried confronting it head on despite the danger it posed to me at the time. after all that, i didn't actually walk until it had run its due course-a total of almost 3 years. and i was happy when he left because i figured that about 900 miles would finish what i had started-or would at least keep it far enough away in order for me to do all the healing on my own. i was wrong. i know i had toyed with the idea of finding him in order to deliver to him the message that took me 10 pages to get out. however, it is not the same for the situation to have found me instead because a) it was not on my own terms, and b) i didn't choose it. two sentences reduced me to the same powerless victim that i was just a few years ago-even just for a moment. for just a second i really wondered if somehow i was back there all of a sudden because even just stepping my toes in the water a bit actually felt like being doused, having been removed from the whole situation for so long. what would you say if you had the chance to say it all? would you even say anything?

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: a nameless shout-out or two...or a few DATE: 7/07/2006 12:52:00 PM ----- BODY:
you all know who you are... ++it's so much better when you let me in a little-it reminds me of why i love you. i feel safe with you again. i feel like it might work this time. ++i'm so over where i work. that's all i have to say about that. ++at&t-if you were a person i would punch you in the face. ++never before in the years that i have known you so far have you not even had time to call me and connect for a few minutes-i've been ignoring it for some time now, but i have to admit that it hurts now. especially considering that my life has been incredibly busy as well and difficult things have been happening to me too. i'm sure that having two love relationships takes up a lot of emotion and there may not be much left for friend relationships...but no acknowledgement whatsoever? ow. ++washington state pharmacy board-you thought maybe you were being smart by wording this whole new 'you-don't-have-to-prescribe-if-you're-against-it' law for pharmacists by not actually mentioning what it's aimed at...maybe that was your way of avoiding claims of discrimination? good thing the women in this state know better. ++birthday parties with ex's in attendance? you are great fun considering who the birthday is for...however, i could do without the ex (and their mean wife) any day. ++roommate-it's all fine and great that you have a psychotic problem with the few stray sadie hairs that may linger in the washer after i do laundry...however, if you're going to have a panic attack at me about it you had better be beyond reproach, sweetie. beyond reproach means that you would actually need to clean out the lint trap everytime you do laundry. thank god summer is halfway over and we are that much closer to parting ways. ++bamboo...you are the bane of my existence this season. even 5 garbage bags thus far have not been enough to contain your droppings that you were inconsiderate enough to spread all over the yard. thank you for the before picture...let's just hope that i'm able to get an after picture prior to Sunday. please check this link if you need tangible proof of what i speak of. ++new pirates of the caribbean movie? think of me this evening as all the other movie attendees get to see you on your first day out. sadly, i will not be there even in street clothes-much less gussied up in costume like the rest of my pirate band will be this evening. ++pirate BBQ that i have planned-you are starting to stress me out. not kind at all. ++panties? why, rather than just stay where you are put, must you peek out on a daily basis causing someone, at some point, to alert me to your presence?

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: the cutest thing i have seen in a long time. DATE: 7/05/2006 04:22:00 PM ----- BODY:
coincidentally, also my nephew. you could say he takes after me too. i would happily wax about the past few days, but instead i have to finish the call to the imbeciles at at&t that has taken 39 minutes and 40 seconds thus far prior to being able to go home.

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