AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: true friends vs. "male friends" DATE: 8/31/2006 09:23:00 AM ----- BODY:
let me begin by giving proper credit to those it is due to. you'll see why in a moment. colin-you are one of the only close male friends i have/have had who has never engaged in the following: 1. getting weird/dramatic/mental on me 2. over-stepping boundaries at this moment in time i appreciate that more than you know. billy bean & favorite-although we are not really close friends, i can say the same about you. and i thank you for that. i never once dreamed that i would say what i am about to say-most of my life i have subscribed to the ideal that 'relationships are what people make them'. this is true for the most part. however... in general (this is my disclaimer so that i am not accused of making a blanket statement), i don't feel that most heterosexual men and women can be 'just friends' and have it work out successfully. this is not to include: work friends, organization/club friends, friend's ex's (since they are off limits for romance anyway) and acquaintances (friends of friends). of course, this is simply how i feel-and maybe you could chalk it up to some of the particular friends i've chosen (i.e. chosen badly). it's how i feel nonetheless. and again, of course, i don't feel that all men/women friend relationships are subject to this. for the most part, most of the male friends i've tried to have, have at some point gone weird. for example, there was the friend that felt as if in our relationship, it was acceptable to act in a controlling manner. when i pointed out how i felt, he stormed out of the chosen venue for said talk without a word and i never heard from him again. obviously, in light of such a display of defensiveness, my feelings were correct. another example. i think at some point, some male friends, realizing that they'll never have more of you than 'just a friend' find an excuse or create a situation to end the "friendship". usually, it's a ridiculous situation that at the very least, provides comedy for other friends who get to share in it. many times, there is a lesson packed in there somewhere. however, sometimes, even though humor can be found in the situation...it hurts a little. regardless of how ridiculous their reasoning for doing so is, when someone that used to call themselves a friend attacks you personally, it's going to get you where it counts (which is, of course, the reason people do that). i am also taking the following out of a recent situation: =true friends do not hide the fact that something offended them for an eternity...they are direct with you & share this with you at the time-& then you both move on. if something offended them but they choose to look past it, they never share it with you. they definitely do not pretend that everything is great for a while only to send a scathing email attacking your entire person. (can we say, passive-aggressive at its finest?) =true friends can have a differing view on something than you and agree to disagree without personalizing it. =true friends do not take their personal issues out on you. =true friends are there when they are needed. when you say you need them, their response is usually something like, i'll be there, with no hesitation. they will sit with you for a while and let you cry without even asking questions...without even knowing what's wrong. they will sometimes hug you while you do this. they will do you the kindness of telling you the truth, all the while being careful to spare your feelings while they tell you their truth. when the time is right, they might tell you a joke to make you smile. (thank you, j, that i get to take this away from the situation as well.) i am so fortunate, to have so many of that last kind of friend. and if you know you're that kind of person to me...please know that i appreciate you more than words could really express.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: loaded question DATE: 8/29/2006 07:30:00 PM ----- BODY:
lunch with my dad today at taco del mar (awesome). in the spirit of common courtesy i start explaining to him why i'm so tired because when i'm as tired as i was today i resemble roadkill. i explain that i woke up at 3:30, couldn't sleep and decided to go into work...arriving at 4:30 (apparently, i've gone mad). "what are you worried about?" he says, immediately. i take a minute to think this over. i don't quite get it. i wonder if maybe during the explanation of why i'm so tired i mentioned being worried about something only to have forgotten about it in the millisecond it took him to jump in. he explains that whenever he can't sleep it's usually because he's worried about something. ooohhh...i get it now. i think on what i might be worried about. um...i don't know...EVERYTHING maybe? maybe i'm worried about the $19,000 i just signed away in order to further my education. maybe i'm worried that despite enough palpable enthusiasm to kill a small cat, i'm worried that i'll fail miserably. maybe i'm worried about the fact that everytime i bring up school to either parent, all they can do is worry me more about the money issue rather than just reiterating how excited they are for me and then promptly shutting up about it. maybe i'm worried that every single relationship that i've had thus far will turn out to be a failure. maybe i'm worried about my mom. maybe i'm worried about everything, daddy and it would be great if you could give me a hug and tell me it will all be okay. never include the word 'worry' in an open-ended sentence that is directed at me. especially if you value your immediate emotional health. appt. with dr. today too to discuss quitting smoking. after discussing a few options (of which, the patch & nicotine gum were not included as i grimaced when they were even brought up) we decided to put me on welbutrin/zyban/whatever they want to call it to market it to someone else for the next issue it helps with. the deciding factor? what insurance would and/or would not assist with which isn't even somethat that had really crossed my mind. bless him, it had crossed his. "well, since you have a history of depression, i can write the rx for that and insurance will help...if i write it for smoking cessation you're on your own," he says. great. crazy comes in handy apparently...so, thank you self. and thank you aetna for being concerned about my motivation to improve my respiratory health. hello drugs. i had missed you a bit. despite having gone through hell to get off of them a few months ago, here we meet again. it's really fine though. if this helps me quit, then so be it. people who care will support whatever i'm doing in order to quit smoking. those who don't can jump off a cliff. anyway-as my dr. pointed out today, maybe it's a good thing i'm choosing to do this now. it is recommended to stay on the meds for at least three months after quitting smoking...by that time it will be november, the beginning of the 'gray' season. so, if i find that i'm gray as well then, hey, i'm already taking care of that other issue. not to mention, that i was starting to worry what 5,000 lbs. of school related stress was going to do to my health. so, pass me the drugs please and spare any judgment that might sneak its way in as a cleverly disguised side dish.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: you know who you are DATE: 8/28/2006 07:45:00 PM ----- BODY:
my p.: i read your email this morning that was in response to my reach out for advice. it hit me in the gut a little...but in a good way. to this day i don't know how you do it but somehow, you have a way with me-you spin those difficult things that friends are supposed to tell you (that can often really hurt no matter how necessary they are) into pure silk, so that the truth doesn't hurt as much. since the day i met you, you have done this for me. once upon a time during the most unhealthy situation in my life, you were the only person that i could hear the truth from. the depth with which you care about and love me, makes me cry a little...but in a good way.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Anonymous DATE:8/28/2006 08:35:00 PM i was SO hoping you would feel how much i care and what i say is out of pure love for you. i am always always there for you. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: a cozy place to hide DATE: 8/20/2006 09:13:00 AM ----- BODY:
points of interest: >i cannot enjoy clubs in seattle anymore, at least not the way i used to enjoy them in younger years. a piano bar is gobs of fun, and i actually had fun for a while last night watching them play & hanging out with piglet. thing is-it was down near pioneer square, and apparently is THE place to have your bachelorette party/going away party/birthday party. by the time i had gotten my fill and was ready to go it was packed. packed like there was a half hour wait to get your tab kind of packed. i have noticed that in my late 20s i have developed a nasty habit of wanting to just go when i'm ready to go. i don't want to wait. i don't want to chat for a few more minutes. i don't want to share one last cigarette with anyone. maybe, if i was still enjoying them the way i used to, which was getting blitzed, it would be less painful because when i was ready to go it wouldn't bother me that it took an hour to get out of somewhere. sadly, i have grown out of that phase. >it's time to seriously re-evaluate every single relationship in my life. it's time to stop giving more than i'm getting from people. >i have had a sad weekend-and when i was taking that first sip of my latte this morning, i realized that i have quite forgotten to eat all weekend. really. i wasn't trying not to eat. and that's sad because as a result i'm quite irritable right now. i suspect that the whole 'i need to be on meds' thing is coming up again-i'm no longer just allowing things to roll off, i'm personalizing it all and it's making me sort of sick. >i made it to work today in 10 minutes...seriously. from northgate to south of the dome. 10 minutes. very scary. (it became even more scary when i actually got down here and just about got out of my car to punch out the football a-holes that felt the need to come down here at 8:00 jamming up traffic with their thick heads). >recently reconnected with an old friend that i had lost touch with a few years back. she is currently living in richmond which is south of here somehwere. in an email that i read this morning from her she invited me to come down if i wanted to some weekend to have a visit. it was all i could do to refrain from clocking out at work, going home to pack my bag and calling in sick for a few days in order to see my friend that i miss and hang out somewhere cozy. because i'm not feeling a whole lot of coziness around here lately. quite the opposite actually.

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----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: much obliged-really DATE: 8/18/2006 03:12:00 PM ----- BODY:
one might ask what could possibly take the excitement out of the following sentence: "congratulations! it is my pleasure to inform you that you have been accepted as a matriculating student for fall 2006 in the bachelor of arts program at..." one word: parents. this is sort of how the conversation went with my dad-because i was so excited the day i found out that i made the mistake of calling him at work. dad: "hello!" (bolding is supposed to convey through text the particular type of highly agitated tone he started off the conversation with-enough agitation to cut through metal). me: "um, hi dad...you sound sort of busy, so if it's better to talk later, you can call me back." dad: "no-go ahead. what is it? what do you need?" me: "um, i got accepted to school! i found out today." i didn't actually need anything, is what i wanted to say, but didn't. dad: in a distracted manner, almost as if he hadn't even heard what i sad, "good...good." pause me: "well, that's really all i was calling to say..." dad: "yah-it's pretty busy here-i'll have to call you later." great. i haven't even bothered telling my mom yet because i just can't handle another conversation like that when i was so f'ing excited about something. how do i know it won't go much better? that's easy-when i told her that i was finally ready to apply and start doing this i got nothing positive in return. please see the following examples: "well, how on earth do you expect to pay for that?" "a loan?!?" "well, i wish i was still young and could just expect everything to work out the way i wanted it to" thanks. at some point i will be angry for the lack of positive response that i deserved from them for something that is important to me. up until now, it just sort of hurts so what that maybe i'm not doing this on everyone else's timelines and maybe it seems anti-climatic that i'm 28 and not 20. what fool was it in the first place that ever said we were supposed to go to college right out of high school when we have no idea who we are? so what that i'm not announcing what they really want to hear when i am at this age and they are at that age ("i'm getting married" or "i'm having a baby" is what they want to hear at this point for those that couldn't guess that). if it's important to me, that should be enough. but that's the beauty of family-there's no changing them. i can tell them until i'm pink in the face how much it bothers me when they still treat me like i'm in the way, or as if what i have to say is not important even though i'm almost 30 (go figure-this is why i get so crazy when i feel this way with my boyfriends). it won't matter though, because i can't change them and i can't change all the times that they didn't listen on prior occasions. i know all this, and it still really makes no sense. this is what they wanted me to do or to have done. so now that i'm finally doing it it's absolutely insane to me that they can't even pretend like it's somewhat of a good thing. put that on top of other issues and the fact that i've been in solitude from the outside world for the past week, and that makes for one pretty anxious/irritated/sad kelly. this is okay though...soon it will turn into anger and i can pile it on top of all the other anger that i've saved up for a rainy day.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Marion McCready DATE:8/20/2006 04:35:00 PM hmmm it's hard eh? I remember when I said I told my family I was going to uni (I was 22), I didn't get much response from them until I passed my 1st year and they realised that maybe it wasn't such a bad idea after all. When I told people I was doing a postgrad in philosophy last year, everyone was like - 'what's the point in that'...people can sure be unhelpful! Worst of all was when I got engaged (I was 16) my mother cried when I told her - not from happiness - and my family said we wouldn't last a year married, now it's 10 years later and I get to slag them all off about it!!
Congratulations, it's very exciting and a bit scary but student life is great :) ----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: what DO you do with a drunken pirate? DATE: 8/15/2006 04:06:00 PM ----- BODY:
there's many things you can do actually-there's an entire song about it, that i sang too many times this weekend (thank you gig harbor renaissance faire). personally if i was the drunken pirate my choice would be being strung up the mast of the ____ (insert any pirate ship name here). trust me...it's way better than any other option (being put in the bilge and made to drink it? ummm...ew!?). **thank you colin, for the flowers. you are one of my best friends and i'm more glad than you know that we've kept each other around for 10 years.

**argosy university, today you allowed me to feel as if i'm not wasting my life away in a customer care center by accepting me into your psychology program. if it were possible to hug a school, i would have hugged you all day today. **by the time i boarded the ferry for west seattle on sunday morning, i was just about pirated out (not to mention in bad need of a shower) but the renaissance faire was so fun and it was nice to spend some time with my mom & greg. the hours and hours that my mom and i spent making a dress paid off because i was cute: as was everyone else:

we got to be the entertainment as our group was sort of 'under' another group as performers, so we sang songs on stage and shot off cannons to start everything off. absolute favorite? the troll that hung out under the bridge grabbing people's ankles as they walked by. sadly, my ankles never got grabbed however, at the prodding of my mother, i did get a picture with the troll (which, of course, refuses to load right now-if you head to my flickr badge below you can find it). it was so fun, i might even go back next weekend.

**it's only tuesday and i am facing three more days of sitting at home alone working on emails. i'm not quite sure i'm going to make it through. seriously. by about 1pm i'm ready to start knocking on neighbors doors just to be able to look into another human face for the briefest of moments (before they slam the door on me because i'm just staring at them with glazed eyes). i don't think working at home for an entire week is good for ANYbody.

things are okay right now.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger K DATE:8/15/2006 09:46:00 PM Heh. I think you may miss us. Your desk is too quiet anyway, COME BACK! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Kelly Bean DATE:8/15/2006 10:08:00 PM I do miss you guys. And as lonely & weird as it gets I'm just not willing to let go of the following things:

1. ability to clean real quickly whatever might be nagging in the back of my mind.

2. ability to cuddle with sadie for a minute at any time of the day.

3. not showering until noon.

4. ability to wear sweats while working.

it's not bad enough for that yet. :) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Anonymous DATE:8/16/2006 09:11:00 AM The Ren Faire looks like so much fun! So many people are natural performers that it's great to have such an interesting forum for it. You are way cute! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Kelly Bean DATE:8/16/2006 09:39:00 PM My pat-someday you will have to come to one. I suspect you would have a raging good time. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Marion McCready DATE:8/17/2006 07:05:00 PM It sure looks fun, my husband would be sooo into that - I think he thinks he was born in the wrong century! I like your pretty flowers - it's so nice when someone buys you flowers though I'm normally good at killing them fairly quickly! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Kelly Bean DATE:8/18/2006 07:47:00 PM Sorlil-It seems like maybe they would have those sort of festivals in the UK, no?

And the flowers are still pretty-days later. I think they're magic. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Anonymous DATE:8/20/2006 04:22:00 PM not often and they're normally held down in England - we get our Highland games instead! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Marion McCready DATE:8/20/2006 04:24:00 PM oops the above anonymous comment should say 'sorlil said...'! ----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: it shouldn't surprise or amaze me anymore DATE: 8/08/2006 01:31:00 PM ----- BODY:
but it still does. people, in general, really can't handle it when the rules start to change in a relationship after a long period of things sort of being about them, their needs, how they want things, etc. it's a hibernation week...meaning that had i the choice, i would hole up in my house and not speak to a single soul. i have hit that point where i am so tired of trying to hold things together that it would be nice for someone else to step in for a minute or two. without meaning to, however, i have allowed many of the relationships that i deal with most often, to be set up in such a way that this type of support is foreign to me as of late. i need a few days of little or no interaction with the outside world. things are exhausting and hurtful. sadly-it's not something i'm going to get anytime soon.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Marion McCready DATE:8/08/2006 04:38:00 PM sounds like you're looking for a bit of escapism, I find getting lost in a good book a great way to get a break from the emotional stresses of life, or writing poetry! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Anonymous DATE:8/17/2006 01:27:00 PM I thought a change was meant to be as good as a rest... ----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: run down DATE: 8/06/2006 02:31:00 PM ----- BODY:
-if you are now sort of my friend again after not being for so long, thanks. it's nice that there are positive thoughts to take the place of the negative. i needed that. things really do happen because they're supposed to and they happen at the exact time they're supposed to happen. the universe is nice that way because i realized recently that if one just lets go, the world does the hard part of it all. -if you have sort of checked out in general & only have time for a new girlfriend-that's whack. that's like 7th grade whack...and i can say that because that's how i used to act at that age. not at this age. -school, you can respond any time now. really. the fun part of the waiting is over-the newness of this part of the process has seriously worn off. i continue to feel like a slacker, and i owe it all to you. -unbelievable, that you would have time to do actual activities with friends but not with me. that's even more whack than having friends that stop talking to you when they start dating someone. that's okay too though. i will find other people to do fun things with if i must. -i'm completely over all the hydro hype. really. does seattle really need a reason to sit around all day and drink? blue angels that i can see from our window on the 4th floor (would have been even better if i could have made it out to lake washington for an up close view but that's ok, maybe next year)-yay. a bunch of drunks boating on lake washington & hanging out everywhere all day? no thanks. that's all.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Anonymous DATE:8/07/2006 07:28:00 PM Am i in another subset group? I didn't quite recognize myself but then again, it's possible. Let's make another date so i can get off the list if i'm on it! love you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Marion McCready DATE:8/08/2006 02:39:00 AM friendship is a double-edged sword, my so-called best friends in the past have hurt me the most, now I have a few genuine friends which are worth more than all the 'best friends' I've had in the past, but I'm always cautious with how much of myself I share with other people and make sure I don't make myself too dependant on or vulnerable before a single person or a couple of people because it puts too much pressure on the friendship and it raises the stakes of them letting you down which ultimately they're bound to do through no fault of their own but because of unrealistic expectation on my behalf ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Kelly Bean DATE:8/08/2006 11:40:00 AM P-we covered this in email my dear. :)

Sorlil-you are wise & i appreciate that you visit me from time to time. :) ----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: p.s. i'm serious DATE: 8/04/2006 02:14:00 PM ----- BODY:
dear iTunes, why...oh why, when i have provided you with 1,825 songs so far, must you play the same 30 over, and over, and over again? it hurts a little. were you not aware that you are one of the things that allows me to feel like i'm part of the outside world still when i'm working at home, reading and answering ridiculous email after ridiculous email in the dungeon of my home? love, kelly

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger elaine x DATE:8/04/2006 02:18:00 PM AMEN!!!!!!!
peace & harmony,
elaine
'freedom must be exercised to stay in shape!'
SOME OTHER TUNES ... on iTunes ... or MySpace
1. funk this! international groove unit (www.funkthis.biz)
2. Never Like Now
3. Velvet Babies (www.myspace.com/velvetbabies) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Blogger Kelly Bean DATE:8/04/2006 02:23:00 PM It hurts you too? ----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: the only response that was truly appropriate was the only one i couldn't give DATE: 8/01/2006 01:51:00 PM ----- BODY:
"I heard you discontinued the...Doughnut. Please bring it back! I was awesome." dear customer, i really thought i was awesome when i was on doughnuts too... love, kelly

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