Labels: Fam
----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: return to sender. unable to forward. deceased!? DATE: 4/27/2006 11:25:00 AM ----- BODY: it's a terribly disheartening thing indeed to be faced with the potential of one's imaginary passing. i rarely live in the same apt./house for very long. in fact, since the age of 20 i have moved at least 10 times. that's an average of 1.25 times per year. those of my friends and family that actually use dinosaur-like address books know better than to write me down in pen. in all those moves the US postal service has been awfully kind to me. any bill that went unpaid in the past 8 years was always strictly related to my inability to be an adult and pay it, not because something was unable to find my new home. the US postal service has even exceeded my expectations in most cases; my mail usually changes destinations right on time. that harmonious relationship is no more. at least not since some office rat in edmonds apparently has my number. i was delivered via inter office mail a letter that my employer had attempted to mail to me. the fact that i have yet to change my address with them for the last 2 places i have lived now resulted in that letter being returned to them. rather than just stating something normal like "no known address", the letter proudly displayed Deceased. it is certainly a feeling like no other to read on paper that you're dead. also, probably not an everyday occurrence for most. i imagine the clerk who stamped my letter, hunched over bins filled with other sad, homeless letters growing more and more embittered about that promotion he was passed over for...again. i imagine a glint in his eye as he picks random letters to incorrectly stamp as a small stab back at 'the man'. as he stamps mine, he probably throws in some on-the-edge laughter for good measure...Labels: Daily
----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: my little mind... DATE: 4/24/2006 11:38:00 AM ----- BODY: my little mind is having some trouble wrapping its tiny self around a few things. you might ask why i'm referring to it in that manner. it's one of those really long stories that would make this blog into a novel. suffice to say its origin lies in an argument i had yesterday wherein i was told something to the effect of "...if your little mind can comprehend that." seriously (did you really just say that?). nice, huh? i was upset before that was even said, about the fact that person in question pretty much had plans with me last night and neglected to tell me that their day plans ran over until 2 & 1/2 hours after the fact. after that was said i got even more upset. after my **VALID** complaints of the situation were met with an uber defensive attitude and excuses as to why it was perfectly okay to let me sit there and wonder for hours , i got even more upset. yes, i cried, yelled, swore and said some not so nice things in return anyway, just in the spirit of throwing some things on the table, the following are things that my **little mind** just can't seem to get... -people who have known someone for a good deal of time have a pretty good idea what is going to upset that person and what is not. this knowledge is usually gained from basic trial and error. that being said, why would someone, knowing that whatever they've done has probably upset someone, not start out a conversation with something to the effect of "i know you might be upset and i'm sorry, but here's what happened...". is that a difficult thing to do? am i missing something here? -when, for whatever reason, the above does not happen & the upsetting mistake has to be brought to the doers attention what is it that makes that person think they have a right to be defensive about the incident? is it just plain foolishness...denial maybe? i just don't know. -for the love of all that is holy can someone please tell me what the point is of extending certain considerations to others when there is a pattern of the consideration not being returned? -why didn't i foresee that due to the fact that i don't work out, weeding the garden for HOURS would cause my ass to hurt today (no...not how it sounds) because i worked out muscles that don't normally get worked? -my knuckles are sunburnt? -if someone is truly in love why, when the supposed object of that love is upset by a mistake that they made, would one of their first answers to the situation be "well you don't have to deal with it anymore if you don't want to". for the love of all that is holy how is that an answer? wait, it's an answer if you don't really want to deal with how you made someone feel. i get it. -why is the sliver in my hand (proudly gained by weeding for hours in my bare hands) slowly disappearing further and further in the WRONG direction? that is, it is not migrating out of my hand, just further in. -why is life so cruel that i could not be alive when he was uber popular? -why did i not realize until just now that the jeans i have on are actually almost high enough to be capris? it's been a bad 24 hours...and i'm angry.Labels: J
----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: day 3-which has erupted into various rants DATE: 4/19/2006 07:00:00 PM ----- BODY: alas...no raves though. the remainder of day 2 was too aggravating to discuss in great length. the only important points of interest are the following: a) started the day off with a serious nicotine craving...great. b) e-fought with someone all day. c) wanted a cigarette all day. d) accidentally kicked billiam in the balls while bowling (in turn, because he was kind enough to mention me, i'm doing the same). sorry again, billy bean. e) smoked a cigarette. yes you read that correctly; i smoked a cigarette. and it felt GD good. and i'm not sorry about it. day 1 was cruel and sinister in setting up the facade that this would be even the slightest bit easy on me. albeit, i knew better, but after experiencing day 1 i'll admit it...i got my hopes up. although i am in no way introducing this as an excuse, it probably didn't help that day 2 was spent projecting anger filled e-mails. the fighting, while not an excuse, certainly proved to be a motivation for me; a motivation that i did not ignore. here's hoping that next time i can. here's the thing though; one cigarette in three days is pretty damn good progress and i'm proud of that. even if in that three days time i did slip up. on a side note, ever been asked that question? if someone paid you a million dollars would you have sex with bill gates? of course, that question does not always come at you in that form. there are a billion variations that one could come up with. if someone paid you a million dollars would you strip in the middle of the UW library? and so on, and so on. every time someone asks me that question and i provide my answer which is usually no, i get looked at as if i just spit up a baby. why is it so hard to believe? no i would not have sex with bill gates for even a billion dollars. no i would not dance the can-can naked in downtown seattle regardless of the price. no i would not strip for anyone no matter what they were offering. granted, this conversation came up at work today (i am in no way singling those participants out), but it's the same no matter where it's brought up and who it's brought up with. no the thought of selling myself and my dignity doesn't appeal to me...believe it. i want to smoke until i'm delirious.Labels: Daily
----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: day 2 DATE: 4/18/2006 06:47:00 AM ----- BODY: tobacco really does smoke you. at the very least, it plays with your mind. day 2 of quitting smoking. day 1 required such careful concentration that blogging was out of the question. yesterday went by like a breeze however. i was expecting it to feel like an eighteen wheeler instead. to be pleasantly surprised was the very least i could have asked for. especially after being provoked into a fight the night before (unsuccessfully, i might add). i was not about to use some lame excuse for backing out of this again. i counted the hours that had gone by since the last lonely cigarette smoked [approximately 10:00pm sunday 4/16]. i drank loads of water. i chewed some gum. i ate some pretzels. i survived. day 2 is proving to be a bit more sticky. this morning upon waking up the coughing that indicates that my lungs are waking up, started. it wasn't until after i had finished getting ready & had taken sadie outside for her morning ritual that i had my first real problem. i was standing outside & the air had that crisp/bright feel to it that as a smoker makes you want to light one right up [exactly why fresh, clean air makes you want to smoke is way beyond me at this point]. it wasn't until that moment this morning that i experienced a real craving for a cigarette. i was two seconds away from visiting the corner store on my way to work. i suppose what i should have said at the beginning of this is not that tobacco plays with your mind...addiction does. i know this and when i decided to go through with this i knew what to expect. i knew the games my brain would start playing. this morning it actually started speaking to me...{if you know you can quit, why not just do it later? who is telling you that it has to be now?} i'm telling me it has to be now. i'm sick of wasting money on something that gives me nothing to show in return for spending. i'm sick of feeling as if i might pass out from walking up a freaking flight of stairs (and i'm not even 30). i'm sick of stinking. i'm sick of strangers looking at me as if my skin is falling off before their very eyes. considering how much i despise failure, i have my doubts that i will fail at this. enough of this mess. [Mortality] Women smokers who die of a smoking related disease lose on average 14 years of potential life. From 1995 to 1999, over 178,000 women died each year of smoking-related diseases. Since the Surgeon Generals Report on Women and Smoking was released in 1980, about 3 million women in the U.S. have died prematurely of smoking related diseases. [Cancer] Cigarette smoking is the major cause of lung cancer among women. About 90 percent of all lung cancer deaths among U.S. women smokers are attributable to smoking. In the 1980s, lung cancer overtook breast cancer as the leading cause of cancer death of women. Since 1950, lung cancer mortality rates for women have increased 600 percent. [Menstrual Functions] Women who smoke have natural menopause at a younger age than do nonsmokers, and they may experience more severe menopausal symptoms. [Pregnancy] Women who smoke during pregnancy risk pregnancy complications, premature birth, low-birth weight infants, stillbirth, and sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). [Prevalence] A report published in the American Journal of Public Health shows that girls have an easier time buying cigarettes, even at the youngest ages. Females are more likely than males to feel dependent on cigarettes. [Advertising]Cigarette companies first began targeting women in the 1920s to recruit female smokers, equating smoking with freedom and emancipation. There was an abrupt increase in smoking initiation among girls around 1967- the same time advertisements for brands specifically targeted at women entered the market. Six years after the introduction of Virginia Slims and other brands aimed at the female market, the rate of smoking initiation of 12 year-old girls had increased by 110 percent. Marketing cigarettes as slims or thins plays into social pressures on young women to control their weight, manage stress, and appear grown-up. One study found that girls who had dieted up to once per week had twice the odds of becoming smokers and girls who dieted more often had four times the odds of becoming smokers. Cigarette marketing campaigns toward women stress and association between social desirability, independence, and smoking messages conveyed through advertisements featuring slim, attractive and athletic models. [The Pill] Women over age 35 who smoke and take the pill are nine times more likely to have a heart attack than women who dont smoke or take the pill. (www.unfilteredtv.com)Labels: Daily
----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: when did the world start belonging to us? DATE: 4/12/2006 07:13:00 PM ----- BODY: i say "us" intending it to mean americans. driving home from work this evening i pulled up to one of the last lights i would have to sit at prior to getting home. while sitting there waiting for the light to change i subtly rubber-necked (as i usually do when stopped at a light or in traffic) at the various cars and people that surrounded me. what i saw on the bumber of the pick-up truck in front of me caused me to wince (seriously, i actually winced). the woman in front of me had seen fit to proudly display the following: "god unites the world for the US". what? once the light changed and we crossed aurora, i changed lanes & while passing the pick-up truck couldn't resist investigating what kind of human puts a sticker like that on their car when it's obviously not a joke or something. female, mid 40's...didn't look crazy (of course, i should know better; plenty of the questionable people i've known in my life don't actually look it). for a split second i wanted to tell her to pull over so that i could ask the question that was burning holes in my mind - exactly when did he/she/it tell you that...and why on earth did he/she/it pick you? although i am aware of the pervasive attitude in this country that smacks of arrogance like that, i had never seen anyone actually fessing up to it with pride so plainly like that. as if i needed more of a reason to be sickened by humanity...more specifically this country? i didn't, and i'm not thankful that i have more of a reason now.Labels: Rant
----- COMMENT: AUTHOR: Kelly Bean
DATE:4/13/2006 08:31:00 AM
without going on for hours my personal opinion is that, no, that US is not that good. at least not enough to warrant that kind of attitude. and it sort of makes me sad that i'm a part of it. if my family that i love with all my heart didn't live here, i wouldn't either.Labels: Daily
----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: at what junction in the process is one healthy enough to be angry at their therapist? DATE: 4/08/2006 10:27:00 AM ----- BODY: i question it because thinking of therapy literally "therapizes" my thoughts. 'am i displacing anger towards her that actually has to do with something and/or somebody else?' 'has an issue been brought up for me and my brain is cloaking it with the current situation in an attempt to not deal with the issue?' of course there is always at least one thought that just doesn't fit in with the therapized thoughts, the black sheep of the thoughts, if you will. it translates into layman's terms as the following: 'i am pissed off at the current situation and damnit i have a right to be.' you might ask what caused the thought dyslexia. i'm happy to oblige. i cancelled my appt. on thursday after crossing the invisible 'not 24 hours prior' foul line. there has been only been one incident prior to this in which i violated this boundary; the cause of which, was out of my hands. admittedly, in the past month or so i have felt the need to reschedule appt's more than i would have liked but i did so while respecting that 24-hour boundary. obviously this boundary was set by her in the beginning of the relationship as a means to respect her time/schedule while still allowing me the freedom of dealing with real life where sometimes other things might have to take priority and schedules shifted around. that's all good and fine. the message i left when attempting to get ahold of her relayed the following: i was not feeling well at all and hoped she would understand the need to go home and rest; i was happy to mail a check for her time being that it was such short notice and hoped she could return my call to confirm that she got the message (i also apologized that it was such short notice). considering my track record, my assumption was that the message i received in return would go something like this: i'm sorry to hear you aren't feeling well and i understand the need to go home and rest when that happens. please contact me as soon as you can if you would like to reschedule (and here she would either say that it wasn't necessary for me to send a check, or that she would like me to go ahead and do so). i was in for a hot fudge sundae of a therapy surprise because when i was able to check my messages again it went something like this (forgive the not totally accurate paraphrasing): i'm sorry you are not feeling well, and of course you don't need to send a check as canceling for illness does not incur a charge (fair enough). however, i would like to raise the question of what your commitment to therapy is like at this time (what?). it seems there have been times you have rescheduled on short notice before for various reasons (maybe you should make your boundary 48 hours in advance then if 24 hours is too "short notice"?) and i just wonder what commitment level you're at right now as i do have other clients that would like appt. times as well (perhaps if you have too many clients you should not have agreed to take me on?). of course things happen sometimes that are out of our hands (yes, i'm painfully aware; since right now my insides feel as if they're betraying me & have done so all day long) but i would really like you to do some soul-searching about what point you're at right now (try ill). maybe think about whether you might be avoiding and what kind of priority counseling is for you right now. seriously? really. my emotional brain and my logical brain then had the following pseudo-discussion in almost exact order: emotional: i am never going back there. followed by, commit this therapist! logical: not returning at all would definitely be counter-productive. emotional: guilt-guilt-guilt logical: i wonder how, exactly, the window cleaning guys secure those ropes on the roof that they hang from to clean the windows. (i was outside work at the time) emotional: that was a totally inconsiderate way to communicate that to me...in a voice mail. logical: were the roles reversed i would really not think it acceptable to leave those sort of thoughts on a message for a client. emotional: anger-anger-anger logical: where did my initial reaction come from? am i justified in feeling angry and put-off? is this bringing up some sort of issue that has nothing to do with this situation? emotional: anger-anger-anger that's where i ended up & then i had to go back inside to work. so, anger-anger-anger is where i've stayed. now i have to cook up how to question someone's therapeutic methods while avoiding 'making it personal' for either her or me and sounding logical/reasonable all at the same time. i.e. i have to come up with some sort of intelligible way of communicating my thoughts/feelings so that i don't revert to "anger-anger-anger" and "seriously carolyn? really?" ----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: your mom goes to college DATE: 4/04/2006 08:09:00 PM ----- BODY: if you've seen napoleon dynamite, you know why that's funny. if you don't think it's humorous i worry that something is tweaked incorrectly in the part of your brain that processes emotion. my coworkers and i think it hilarious. so hilarious, in fact, that were you to spend a day on the 4th floor with us you would probably hear "your mom _____ (insert just about anything here)" at least 10 times, if not more. of course it's not meant with any malice. it's just damn funny (and if you couldn't tell, i could really care less how juvenile it seems). considering the above, i didn't think it odd at all when after consulting with my 'cube-mate' about a case that i had "googled" and couldn't find any information on, one of the responses i received from said 'cube-mate' was something to the effect of "i googled your mom". it struck me at the time that it would be highly entertaining at 9:00am to, in fact, google my mom. the results were astounding (to me at least). my mom is everywhere on the internet! exhibit a: http://privateer.omena.org/vbb-0.9.7/index.php?target=profile&select=37 exhibit b: http://www.bfranklincrafts.com/FeedbackResponses.html exhibit c: http://www.crochetpartners.org/WhereWeFrom/usa_nz.html there would be an exhibit d, e, f and however many else but for some reason my computer at home won't bring up as much stuff. i then googled myself (knowing ahead of time what would come up already, having done so before). the only exhibit: http://www.sscchamber.org/index.php?page=news&display=month&key=200409 paltry compared to my mom. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: so, i'm in a new home & one canine lighter DATE: 4/02/2006 11:02:00 PM ----- BODY: the new home part is going wonderful. missing a dog? it's okay with the exception of sadie's occasional mournful stare at the door (as if holly will come rocketing through it at any moment to continue their playful game of chewing on each other). odd, as i really thought that sadie would actually enjoy having me all to herself again & wouldn't miss being jumped on, flopped on and all of the other antics of her younger counterpart. for me, it is a bit nice that it's just me and her again for a while (and no, i'm not a heartless soul that is glad to be rid of a companion...because i do miss her). it's just that i remember a time like this one a few years ago when we belonged to each other & it was quiet...i kind of like that it's that way again for a bit. it really seems that if i had spent the whole weekend packing that it would be completely done...every candle & lamp carefully placed in niches that i'm comfortable with. no. it's mostly done though. the closet, of course, was the first and only thing to be completely done.
(if my computer decides to trick me & show only a bunch of fuzz, i promise i will fix it tomorrow)
i love it here, even though i'm missing a pup and a bathtub
*please note i do have a shower-it has been a common assumption when sharing this with people that i have moved somewhere with no access to tools for cleaning ones self*
it's worth it to see sadie happier with a yard to prance around in...
i have also unfortunately missed my chance at having my third official visitor. as i was finishing dinner tonight my pat (whom i have coincidentally not seen in weeks) called & had left a message that she was attempting to "pop in". of course by the time i called her back she was already headed home. oh well, next time (since i've deemed her the only person that i'm comfortable granting "popping in" priveleges to...not even a small fan of unexpected knocks on my doors normally as they cause my heart to drop down into my toes old ghosts).
also, i love my landlord as well. yesterday i emailed her (as she is actually in france for the time being) letting her know that settling in was going well. as a side note, i mentioned that i don't leave sadie in the yard unattended just in case she had any worries about dog eating fish, dog eating bamboo or dog digging up flowers. her response caused my fondness for her to multiply by the thousands:
I'm so glad you like it! I worry less about Sadie getting into anything and more about her getting out of the fence. Dayton is a busy street. Again, so happy you like it!! Keep me posted!
really, how could i not love someone who has never met me or my dog, yet is concerned about her?
i might never leave here.Labels: Daily
----- COMMENT: AUTHOR: K
DATE:4/03/2006 07:39:00 AM
CUTE! That is one happy dog AND one happy Kelly!
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Kelly Bean
DATE:4/03/2006 07:08:00 PM
and one happy closet!
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