Labels: Fam, Fem----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: nothin' says friday like a toasted strawberry pop-tart DATE: 5/26/2006 08:46:00 AM ----- BODY: in case you were wondering? un-hot: *today, in 1521, martin luther was banned by the edict of worms because of his religious beliefs and writings. learn something today. (censorship & hatred? never attractive.) *dreaming about the awful ex whose name must never actually be mentioned again due to angry words and what they brought back up. had i the misfortune of seeing said awful ex, i would punch him in the face in a fairly matter-of-fact manner, treat him to a tremendous helping of fuck you, you fucking fuck and move on quietly. sometimes i actually wish that would happen so that i could just get it over with (or at the very least, i sometimes wish i could find said ex on the internet so as to send them the detailed novella i wrote containing my thoughts on the relationship...that, at least, would be sort of like a mental punch in the face and that would appease the crazy monster that apparently lives inside my head that i have started to embrace). hot: *i had almost forgotten about pop-tarts. thank you vending machine filled with horribly pleasant evils. *partaking in a whiskey tasting to kick off my memorial day weekend. billiam, i'll pour a little out in your honor (it's the least i can do since i don't even like whiskey but wish i did because girls who drink whiskey? hot). *girls that can successfully pull off a cute little pot belly. *j... *getting some (i could say excuse me for the crass expression, but, um... i'm not going to because sometimes being crass is a little hot too). *nathion singing karaoke at the shaw... *this flower that's blooming in my rented backyard right now... *me.
Labels: Daily, Fun, J----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: "i've put millions of miles under my heels; but still too close to you i feel" (yeah, it's audioslave...whatever) DATE: 5/24/2006 07:13:00 AM ----- BODY: all it takes is two angry words to cause me to feel momentarily as if i've returned to a place that i actually haven't dwelled in for a long time. almost four years to be exact old tapes. it's funny because just prior to leaving work early today shoover said that to me; reminding me that oh yeah...it's just those. i don't live there anymore. i never have to go back there again. many thanks. and if you're unsure of what i'm talking about, that's just too bad as it's not something that i'm prepared to disclose in full here.
it appears that phase II of the detox has begun...wherein i come dangerously close to commencing with unhealthy behaviors. prime example #1: fixating on negative things (i.e. two angry words). so the choices begin (ahhh, choices, i've missed you)...to fixate or not to fixate...to question my reality or to believe in it (i.e. refraining from allowing others to tell me what my reality is/doubt myself). today it became too much and i ended up overwhelmed, leaving early from work, crying the tears i had held in most of the morning. i put up a valiant effort to not allow this whole mess to affect work, but eventually the hot flashes and feelings as if the walls were closing in on me were too much to stave off (how is it possible anyway, that cube walls that aren't really walls can close in on one?).
here's hoping that tomorrow the walls stay where they are.
**p.s. that guy you kick some hardcore booty for knowing what this whole messy process feels like & offering up some support. you're like mellow cake, yo.
Labels: Daily----- COMMENT: AUTHOR: m a n d y DATE:5/25/2006 03:25:00 PM i couldnt get off my couch for 2 weeks coming off meds. unpaid. angry. sad. annoyed. naseaus. happy. fine. disgusted. bitter. insane. relaxed.
Labels: Daily----- COMMENT: AUTHOR: DATE:5/24/2006 09:25:00 AM As i recall.... You did this once before and made it through it but it wasn't enjoyable. So, you already know what you're looking at, right? It would be alot easier on your brain if you tapered a bit. Maybe hang out in a sauna for a few days. good luck, sweetie girl. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR: Kelly Bean DATE:5/24/2006 09:25:00 AM i know...i recall too. we're on the same page...i'm going to have to take a few steps back from things for a while i think. funny, i was just thinking about you this morning. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR: that guy DATE:5/24/2006 01:55:00 PM for the record, given the opportunity, i'm gonna sock him in the face. you're SO too cool for this crap. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR: Kelly Bean DATE:5/24/2006 10:36:00 PM for the record, i'm gonna buy a glamour belt that says "bitches" and just wear it all the time. that way there is no question on where i stand in relation to everyone else. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: DATE: 5/23/2006 01:16:00 PM ----- BODY: boys don't cry (plumb) i'm really beginning to think that if they do, it's only a tool to get something out of a situation. You sit there on the couch Sipping your scotch and ice You turn the TV on And tune me out again So what would you say to me If you could talk to me You could ask anything I wouldn't lie But you're okay with this Damaging awkwardness So I'll just play it safe And keep it inside 'Cause boys don't cry I used to hold your hand So tight there was no question But now even when you're near I've never felt so alone If you just stand beside me I'll keep you in my life Tell me how much you love me And I'll be just fine
Labels: Daily----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: p.s.? porch monkeys need not apply DATE: 5/18/2006 10:15:00 AM ----- BODY: as pointed out by that guy the other day, the rented backyard really is my new little world. it's a peaceful place. things are orderly, just the way i like them. things make sense. i like that too. i had no idea how hostile it would cause me to feel if something happened to disturb that peace and throw the order off. yesterday, as is the routine on most days now, after settling in at home i gathered my gloves, trowel and my sadie to head outside to the peace and order. **total side note? i finally got the perfect picture of bay in the garden...
i was hunched over the current area of focus (the unruly garden bed just left of the main entrance) when an unfamiliar voice interrupted my harmony.
"hey kelly!" not only did the voice pierce the silence in a most wretched way...it scared the hell out of me because i wasn't expecting anyone.
i looked in the direction of the voice with eyes already gone swirly and was allowed the relief of recognition. however, the relief of knowing who the hell was in my rented backyard faded fast. the infant. allow me to explain.
a while back during a walk with sadie around the neighborhood, i met a neighbor. we had a pleasant conversation. throughout the course of this conversation i learned that he lived a couple of blocks away, is interning as a plumber and is 22. in return, he learned that i have a dog, am 28 and am not available for dating in the event that was his intention as i am currently in a relationship (were i not in a relationship i would still have not been available as i would have had 0 desire to date a child). i believe whole-heartedly in being up front and allowing people the courtesy of exactly what they're dealing with. i've found it's best really. after the pleasant conversation we went our separate ways. i should preface the next part of this awful scenario with the fact that he looked like a totally normal, rational person.
i'm idealistic. it's always been a downfall of mine. i really was rather pleased with myself for making a friend out of a neighbor. what could it hurt, is what i thought. that is, until a voice came to haunt me on a wednesday evening.
for his first trick? "uh...i was just wondering, if my friend and i could, like, hang out in your yard and talk to you and drink our beers before we head to the bar?" my first thought was, literally, oh nooh you did-nt. i knew right then and there that i couldn't be friends with this person. anyone who actually causes that phrase which is so not a part of my normal dialougue to pop in my head like it's an everyday occurrence is not someone i can continue to know. period.
but...the thing is, i'm awful in situations where i'm being put on the spot. i sort of stop functioning correctly. my vision blurs a little...i get sort of nauseous and dizzy. very ugly. almost as ugly as when i found myself responding with, "um...i-i, guess? for a minute or two..." my god what did i just say yes to?!? was my second thought, which i quickly stifled in the interest of dealing gracefully with the situation. i anxiously continued gardening as if the very act of it would make the entire situation just disappear.
enter from stage left: the voice's friend, who was considerably older than the voice and looked as if he had been through the wash a few too many times...only it hadn't done a thing to improve his hygiene & had just sort of squished him a bit. i should take the time to note that anytime you see a considerable age difference between two male friends there is probably something a little off about that relationship, especially when the older one looks as if they just got done hot-wiring a car.
it was just then that i noticed they had a medium sized bag with them. soon after i noticed it was there, the voice reached into the bag and produced--->not one, but two forty ounce beers. really??? i quickly calculated the last time i had drank beer out of a 40oz bottle as if it was a totally normal thing to do...i was 16. i also started to look around for a camera because for a hot sec i had to ask myself if maybe i was in a movie.
then, just minutes later...something awesome happened. T came home. i realized that this was my out from the most irritating, ghetto thing that had happened to me in a while. i also woke up from the being-put-on-the-spot coma.
i gracefully invited them to leave: "so, you guys should probably finish those up elsewhere...i really don't think my roommate appreciates strangers on her lawn drinking." it was all i could do to refrain from shouting hallelujah.
p.s. i can't be friends with you because you're rude. and you drink 40s. and you're rude.
once they were gone i still continued to garden, only i was able to do it in peace. T came back outside and i explained the situation so that she wouldn't have to wonder for days until i spoke with her again just how ghetto i am. the one good thing to come out of this? i realized that my roommates care. this morning i awoke to a wooden bat propped up outside my door and two sticky notes expressing the following: if the guy T told me about comes back to bother you bang on my door immediately. new toy if needed (to explain the wooden bat). i'll be home tomorrow, talk to me.
it's nice to have friends. and bats.
the kicker of the entire situation? later in the evening when i started cleaning up the garden mess that i had made what do i find? a beer cap. one of them had totally defiled my garden by tossing a beer cap on the ground. finding that beer cap was like placing a cherry on the huge ghetto cake that had been my evening.
Labels: Daily----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: i love me some yardwork DATE: 5/17/2006 10:44:00 AM ----- BODY: i know it appears to look all nice and tidy now (as this was taken this morning) but imagine a time when the grass looked to be actually swallowing the cement. my advice? never allow grass to think it's in charge. my rented backyard is like an entire world in itself. as of last week, flowers began appearing as if from nowhere. good thing they're pleasing to the eye. i have never enjoyed summer in quite this way before. how sad to have deprived myself of it. being a true seattle-ite (may god strike me dead for using that term) to the core i used to actually get seriously disappointed at reports of oncoming 90 degree heat swells*. i am disappointed no more. although, there is still a pretty roomy place in my heart reserved for days on days of humble rain, much like the type we tend to get here. how can you not love an excuse to cozy up with yourself and a book to listen to the mist outside subtly reminding you to take things slowly? even so? if it isn't pouring/drizzling/monsooning that means i get to go home and play in the dirt...water some flowers...pull some nappy weeds. and if it does happen to be sweltering out? all it requires is a 20 minute rest on my bed (sans pants) to cool off after the drive home from work and i'm good to go. yes...i love me some yardwork. *In the interest of full-on real disclosure without having to go back and edit i'm providing the following foot note: heat actually used to have the same effect on me that strong gusts of wind still have which is raving anger.
Labels: Daily----- COMMENT: AUTHOR: kay-see DATE:5/18/2006 08:20:00 AM Wow, those purple flowers are so pretty, HOLLA! ----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: pas-sive, adj.: Receiving or subjected to an action without responding or initiating an action in return DATE: 5/16/2006 12:02:00 PM ----- BODY: "...the mind viewed as a passive receptacle for sensory experience." thank you dictionary.com. i feel as if the word passive has gotten a bad rap that it most certainly doesn't deserve. maybe when some hear passive what comes to mind is something similar to that certain housewife that just sort of squeaks when she's trying to talk because all the words have been intimidated out of her. or those dogs in the dog parks that choose to drop to their backs and bare their bellies as a means of dealing with being checked out by the other dogs rather than just sniffing back. i could always understand how it was viewed as a bad word. i even thought it was up until just recently. it would appear that as of late i have slipped into a state of passivity. for a hot sec i tried to figure out why...what had happened to me? maybe the excessive enthusiasm with which i've attacked the rented backyard over the past few weeks (it really is therapeutic!)? maybe the crazy pills started working in a different way? then i got passive about that as well and figured it is what it is. and what it is, is ok. as billiam pointed out to me, the extreme of anything is actually not good; so i should specify that what i'm talking about is certainly not apathy. in other words, that anonymous moron (it's actually a different one every morning...seriously) that i watch on a daily basis board the elevator, stand right in front of the doors and refuse to move until prodded a couple of times with an insistent 'excuse me' when the elevator has stopped at a floor that is obviously not theirs and someone will probably want to get off? instead of staring at them in disgust i mentally note their ignorance and simply move on. or, the result of the 1:30am phone calls which is too upsetting for me to even go into? notice it...note that it's not my problem to solve or take care of, and move on from it. the fact that i am forced to sit by a coworker that i've come to despise in all their egotistical glory? note it one last time, forget about it and move on from it. i just don't care anymore...but the not caring? it doesn't come from a spiteful place anymore. it's a beautiful thing.
Labels: Daily----- COMMENT: AUTHOR: DATE:5/17/2006 01:03:00 PM Wow, that's some cold shit Kelly Bean, calling me egotistical... ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR: Kelly Bean DATE:5/17/2006 01:29:00 PM i wouldn't dream of calling you egotistical billy bean. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: someone, somewhere, is in jail/the hospital/has suddenly had to flee the country or is dead DATE: 5/12/2006 04:18:00 PM ----- BODY: when i explained to a friend today that i received not one, but two phone calls from a restricted number this morning at 1:30am they said to me, in an attempt to be reasonable, that possibly it was a wrong number. the caller might have dialed twice just to be sure. possible. another friend, also in an attempt to be reasonable, suggested that maybe it was simply a fluke. a fluke? my cell phone wanted to get a jump on wishing me a good morning? without saying anything my only thought was (honey, you didn't believe that when your boyfriend said it and you want me to believe it now?). there's one problem with either of the above suggestions. i. am. not. reasonable. if you know me at all, you already know this. considering this: if you have my phone number and you give even half a good goddamn about my mental health, DO NOT call me at odd hours of the morning without at least leaving a message so that i don't have to wake up and freak out.
Labels: J----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: suck some toes DATE: 5/11/2006 03:52:00 PM ----- BODY: 1. Life is suffering; 2. Suffering is due to attachment; 3. Attachment can be overcome; 4. There is a path for accomplishing this. i get it, so thank you for that. i should also thank you for reminding me that i don't have to care. it's liberating, this thought. i get it. i live in the moment; i don't have to worry about the future and what was ever the benefit of worrying about the past anyway? -you represented an issue; that's all you ever were. your personality, or lack thereof, was of no consequence really. isn't that all most people are anyway? chances brought to us for a reason. it's just that the awful people/chances don't go away until we figure out what the hell they were brought there for in the first place. even if their physical presence is gone, they still don't go away until it's all figured out...they hang around like bad breath. you, are like bad breath. a whole lot of stink and not much else in the way of substance...this explains all the hiding behind selfishness, ego, clothing. people hate it when they know that someone can see right through them...maybe that's why you couldn't be kind to me or be honest with me or in any way direct with me. maybe that's why all the game playing and head messing. maybe it's just that simple. basically, you sucked. fitting, then that i apply my newfound theory (shared by a friend) of turning you into an X. a huge, black X. a huge nothing. you can't possibly be in my brain or in my thoughts because you're a huge X. that's it. i might have some more X'ing to go...you have the distinct pleasure of being the first. i refuse to think of these people anymore (because i assure you, there are ample examples). my energy and my time are my own and i won't give them away anymore to those that don't deserve them. fascinating, the amount of spirit and energy we can waste on people that aren't even around anymore.
Labels: Daily, Fem----- COMMENT: AUTHOR: DATE:5/11/2006 08:11:00 PM When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically,emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered, and now it is time to move on.
Labels: Daily----- COMMENT: AUTHOR: kay-see DATE:5/10/2006 02:35:00 PM Okay, can we just be clear? They're not banning them HERE, right? Like, in the building? What about my local Safeway? I mean, they're CHEESE flavored snacks, I'd DIE without them. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR: Kelly Bean DATE:5/10/2006 04:00:00 PM Okay, let's get clear.
Labels: Men----- COMMENT: AUTHOR: kay-see DATE:5/08/2006 01:40:00 PM I feel like my "boys are dumb" comment came right on time! Who knew, you'd had this whole post written the whole time!
Labels: Daily----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: i know this much is true DATE: 5/06/2006 12:22:00 PM ----- BODY: -it is ridiculous that people make too many loads of money off of writing books which simply tell people the obvious. (or maybe not, as a friend pointed out to me today, seeing as how people are truly adept at deluding themselves) -it is ridiculous that my life has become one of those books. because, if you're talking to your boyfriend about the status of the relationship and how it's important to you that someone is excited enough about marrying you to do something about it but said boyfriend is answering their cell phone during the conversation and can't even listen to what you're saying...he's probably just not that into you. -i can count on one hand the amount of people in my life that truly listen to what i have to say. i've found that my life seems to be inundated with people that talk over me. -one of the only things lately that makes me truly happy is the garden in my rented backyard.
Labels: Daily, J----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: hip-ster: n. slang, One who is exceptionally aware of or interested in the latest trends and tastes, especially a devotee of modern jazz. DATE: 5/03/2006 11:57:00 AM ----- BODY: rather, that's what it used to mean. nevermind the fact that yet another term that used to have at least some actual meaning has been taken and drug into the ground of the 21st century. nevermind the fact that it's just one more social bandwagon for people to jump on in order to identify themselves/hide because god forbid they put any original thought into who or what they really are. what really gets me going is the hair. exhibit A: um...excuse me? did you lose an eye in a freak sandbox incident as a child and are too embarassed to let anyone see? exhibit B: on what planet do they have the right to rename the mullet and call it cute?
on the off chance that you are reading this and saying to yourself 'what the...', do a simple google image search for hipster. if that still doesn't clarify it, take a walk around the streets of seattle. make a day of it. although, make sure you visit the city of ballard first. traditionally known for the ballard locks, golden gardens (our favorite place to smuggle booze into as adolescents), a healthy smattering of norwegians and an even more healthy smattering of organic markets...it is also, as i was told today, the place where hipsters go to die. which is sadly unfortunate as i used to really appreciate what ballard was about...it's where my ancestors hailed from before it turned into a hipster graveyard (yes, we're norwegian...uff-da, lefsa and all that jazz).
at any rate, if you do happen to make it to ballard be sure to look for the following (please be sure that you use the links for further photographic assistance if necessary):
A. any variation of the hair referenced above (and/or hair that is intentionally mussed). p.s. it's no mistake that i chose leonardo dicaprio even though by definition he is not a "hipster". B. a facial expression that subtly screams 'i'm way too hip for you...but i don't even care about that'. C. any variation of the hair above + stock facial expression + parliament cigarettes. D. any combination of the above found in a hole in the wall, back-alley bar drinking PBR. E. trucker caps. F. any dated t-shirt displaying a symbol with which the wearer couldn't possibly have any connection with. G. shoulder-strap messenger bags.
i could go on, but why?
to begin to sum up i would like to reference the following blurb courtesy of the onion:
Two Hipsters Angrily Call Each Other 'Hipster' March 29, 2006 Issue 42•13 AUSTIN, TX—An argument between local hipsters Dan Walters and Brian Guterman has devolved to the point where each is angrily calling the other "hipster," those close to the pair reported Monday. "Hey, hipster! Here's 12 bucks—why don't you go get yourself a bucket of PBRs at the Gold Mine?" Walters, 22, is said to have told Guterman, 22, invoking the name of a local bar known for its "poseur" clientele. "Whatever you say, scenester," Guterman allegedly replied. "Don't you have a Death Cab For Cutie show to be at right now?" Acquaintances of Guterman and Walters trace the long-running conflict back to high school, when they reportedly threw pencils at each other and argued about who was more "emo."
although...nothing really says it better than this...
p.s. if you feel the way i do then you might also appreciate this...http://www.hipstersareannoying.com/
Labels: Daily, Fun----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: yes, it's from the bible DATE: 5/02/2006 10:36:00 AM ----- BODY: 7There is that maketh himself rich, yet hath nothing: there is that maketh himself poor, yet hath great riches. (proverbs, 13) was talking with t (my new friend that resides upstairs in my rented house) one day and she had mentioned that when she's at work at night she often listens to audio books on her ipod. specifically, the bible. she started telling me about proverbs, which while being part of the bible, deals more with philosophies of living. she mentioned that she would be happy to burn some of it onto cd if i wanted to listen to it. at the time my consent was given mostly out of manners. really, i didn't think she would actually get around to it. but she did...and i've been listening to it. no, i have not gone off the religious deep end (nor do i plan to) but i do have to admit that on the normally mundane, crazy-making drive to work in the morning, it's nice to have something sort of "enlightened" to listen to. it's nice to be taken somewhere else in my brain rather than the short-lived fantasy that i usually indulge in wherein my front bumper makes direct contact with the shmuck in front of me who would rather take in the scenery on either side of i-5 than actually drive on it. i think i understand what people are searching for in religion and faith. the amount of times i have thought to myself in the past 28 years of how nice it would be for someone to tell me what is going to happen to me are too many to estimate. the fact that we don't have access to those types of answers is probably easier to swallow if it's taken with a healthy dose of god. i see the security that people are probably searching for which is similar to what i happen to be searching for at the moment. i see where it appeals to people. it provides an answer of some type to all those human questions that we all ask at some point: i.e. where am i going? what am i supposed to do when i get there? what the hell am i doing here? who should i surround myself with? who should i love? how long should i wait for them (okay...so that's just my own human question)? 8 He that getteth wisdom loveth his own soul: he that keepeth understanding shall find good. (proverbs, 19).
Labels: Daily----- --------