Labels: Fam, Seattle----- COMMENT: AUTHOR: Luke DATE:9/30/2006 03:02:00 PM I know enough to know where she's at and why she does it. She's unhappy at this point in her life...she's unhappy to be ill, she's unhappy with some of the choices that have put her where she is (which I've known most of my life), and she's unhappy that she feels there's nothing she can do about it. Only instead of seeing it for what it is, it turns into a daughter that's deserting and going too far away, or another daughter that's making a bad choice
Labels: Dogishness----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: Seriously? DATE: 9/27/2006 11:45:00 PM ----- BODY: A) If I sent you an email within the past three days and you didn't think it was appropriate to even respond at all...you can suck my toes (toes was actually the nicest out of all the body parts I came up with as options). B) Although the Mariners lost the past two nights...I had a fun time watching them lose. Why? 1b) It was the second "date" J and I have been on this week. :)
(So, yah...it was actually taken upside down and I rotated it, so it looks odd.)
2b) Second reason? It's always fun watching them wreck the place as one of the 5 trillion fly balls this evening hit the KOMO sign...
3b) The picture says it all (please note...I wasn't trying to get a picture of Sexson adjusting himself...I was just trying to get the picture is all)...
C) I think my mom was right...I'm shrinking. Oddly enough, I think I'm shrinking even while I struggle to quit smoking. It has to be the stress, it's the only answer. My stress is eating me alive.
D) So...Queen Anne here I come (provided my Dad can float me $600 until next Friday). Apt. guy called me today to confirm that as long as everything on my app. checks out (which it will considering that I'm not a felon/pedophile/lease skipper), I'm first in line to get that apt. I've been running around for all week. Why am I so excited to move into an apt. where you pass the kitchen in the hallway on the way to the bedroom? Because it's right. in. the. middle. of. Queen. Anne. Right in the middle. Like I can walk a few blocks to the Seattle Center, middle. Or, I can walk to the 500 quaint little restaurants on 1st, middle. Or, I can take a jaunt to Key Arena, middle. I don't care that I have to pack away or get rid of, 75% of my belongings because they just won't fit. I don't care that it's something for my parents to bitch at me about because my car might get broken into or it's dangerous down there or it's 15 minutes farther than I am now or what am I going to do if I need something from someone (you'd think I was moving to Billings, MT...but I know it's coming). I don't care that I can't really entertain because there's really nowhere to put anyone. I don't care that the apt. I'm lusting after would fit into my current place three times. I so want to be there.
Highlight of my day? Toss up between finding out that I pretty much have the green light to move to the heart of Seattle and watching the M's lose.
Labels: Daily, J, Seattle----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: Bush Administration Withholds Funds for Global Women's Health DATE: 9/26/2006 09:17:00 AM ----- BODY: "New York, NY -- For the fifth year in a row, the Bush Administration announced September 13th its decision to withhold the $34 million appropriated by Congress to UNFPA, the United Nations Population Fund. This makes $161 million denied to proven programs that reduce maternal mortality, provide millions of women with contraception and prevent the spread of HIV." Really? Respectively: "The cost of the war in Iraq will reach $320 billion after the expected passage next month of an emergency spending bill currently before the Senate, and that total is likely to more than double before the war ends, the Congressional Research Service estimated this week." Acknowledging that my brain, used to dealing with only hundreds of dollars at the most, really won't realistically grasp the impact of that much money, it still seems to me that comparitively $34 mil. is sort of paltry compared to $320 bil. Especially considering that amount was projected to double (and that's in April, 2006). In a reasonable america, the powers that be might recognize which of the following would perhaps end up to be more productive: Investing in a means to slow even further, the spread of HIV and preventing erroneous child births, or... Terrorizing america while working the pro-military population into a crazed frenzy in order to support a facade of a $640 bil. war? Doesn't seem like a difficult decision to me, but what do I know?
Labels: Governmentish----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: dogishness DATE: 9/25/2006 10:41:00 PM ----- BODY: ++excited to go to class this evening as i missed last week's. this is the class we're told that there will be a quiz in every night on the previous week's chapters (hello six million chapters read over the weekend). i thought nothing of this. *quiz* to me is like 15 questions...20 tops. i don't know that i'm alone in this impression either, of course i could be wrong. 50 questions it turns out to be. 50 questions on existentialism and humanism and rogers and gestalt and therapy that runs together so closely because they all begat each other that you really don't know who's who. 50. that's, like, a test. is it not? not to mention that they were the type of sneaky questions where there really could be about 4 different right answers. so sneaky in fact that i was tempted to stand up, point at my professor and accuse her of sabotage. although, that was nothing compare to the hellstorm i walked into when i got home... ++so, i'm an asshole and i forgot to put the key under my mat so my sister could let sadie out. my mom called me about 5 min. before class to tell me that my sister couldn't find the key. for a second i didn't really get it until i replayed in my mind, my rush out the door this morning where i didn't put the key under the mat. shit, hell and everything else. i couldn't concentrate the entire class because i imagined that maybe she was dying a doggie suicide at home due to her misery at having been let out in so long. although, no prior bad-dog episodes of hers could have prepared me for what i walked into. i suppose that she probably took a running jump to actually get up on the kitchen counter since the garbage was knocked over (the garbage that is on the counter in the first place so that she won't get frisky and knock it over), the cat food eaten and my entire dish drying rack knocked over onto the floor (with all the dishes having impacted at 100mph by the looks of it). i cursed myself for the stupidity of having coffee last weekend because coffee grounds had snowed everywhere. after a moment of staring dumbly at it all i started cleaning it up and realized that i now have only two plates (exceptionally sad since they were disappearing even before this and i can't figure out for the life of me where they went). i couldn't even get mad at her really...i would have torn everything to hell if i was her too. although i must admit i was shocked to find even the fish food empty...so shocked in fact that i forgot myself for a second and after picking up the package carcass off my bedroom floor, looked at her and said out loud really, as if she might actually have answered. although... ++there is absolutely nothing (nothing) in the world that beats the fact that today i successfully bullied an apt. rentor into allowing me to interrupt his personal, peaceful meeting at a coffee joint in queen anne in order to give him a deposit check so that the one apt. i found that had everything i was looking for right now wouldn't get rented. nice. sometimes it pays to be a never-take-no-for-an-answer brat. $615/month, in queen anne (minutes away from school AND work), new carpet, allows sadie in all her bulk to live there, available now and best of all...is not the basement of a house where all winter i would awaken daily to fight a war with spiders. and, yes, i realize that dogishness is not a word.
Labels: Daily, Dogishness, School----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: the difficult truths DATE: 9/24/2006 02:12:00 PM ----- BODY: something snuck up on me today as i typed word #691 in the 1,000 word essay that i have due by midnight tomorrow evening. it crept up on me, in the middle of my what-i-would-change-about-current-drug-policy musings, in the same manner that a bad cold does. i was horrified and disgusted with myself after it became clear. i. like. writing. papers. i do. creating ideas and finding information to back them up. thinking of ways to say and present something so that it sounds intelligent. organizing where it all should go. i enjoy it. then the actual root of liking it hit me as well, more like a smack in the face. it's like arguing under the wild abandon of knowing there is no one to argue back or disagree. it's like having an entire 1,000 words to be right in.
Labels: School----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: until it's not red anymore DATE: 9/23/2006 01:39:00 PM ----- BODY: yesterday i reached the red zone of stress. it's possible that for a moment or two, i may have peaked into the black zone (cause, really, what's the next logical step after red?). after waltzing around in the precarious orange zone for weeks now (& ignoring it), it makes sense that it would only take one, single thing to tip the scales. it started when i got home yesterday to find the cable box on the house wide open with cable ends sticking out all willy-nilly like dead tree branches...not good. no internet=no access to online class. it could only follow that i would go inside to warily check my internet and find that, yes, it was no longer connected. to my detriment i automatically assumed that the new neighbors upstairs must have tried to hook their cable up to mine and therefore screwed it all up. i'm pretty positive that i immediately got that tense look on my face that can be sort of scary to anyone that is witness to it. tense look in full effect and the garbage bill in tow that i needed them to pay i knocked on their door. i've never spoken to these people with the exception of one time that i saw the wife in passing across the yard only to exchange a brief 'hello'. the poor husband opens the door to an uptight look on my face, demands for payment of said garbage bill and what i can only imagine must have sounded like veiled accusations that they went at the cables with reckless abandon while i was not at home. to his credit, he either didn't notice this or is a very understanding man because he quickly diffused the situation by explaining that yes, if i need the internet for school it is very important and that it is most unfortunate that the comcast representative whose task it was to set up their cable earlier in the day had no concern at all for mine. oh. in retrospect i must have had crazy (you might remember her) in check because he kindly offered me the use of his internet if i needed it for something until they fixed it. all might have been fine had my plans for the evening stayed in tact rather than crumbling all over as well. and that's when it happened. it's sort of like that rush you get on a roller coaster, or, if you've ever been in one, a racecar about 1 second after the gas pedal is floored, only it's not exhilerating or fun. your thoughts race something like this: my mother is going to make me feel guilty because i can't do what i was supposed to do with her tomorrow since i have to wait for the comcast guy now i have tons of homework to finish and not enough time to finish it i have six chapters to read by monday night and i have to take a test i have to find somewhere to move to because i can't afford to stay where i'm at because i'm not working any overtime because i'm going to school but i can't find anywhere to move because apt. managers keep telling me that it's a horrid time to try to find something to rent and i'm doing it all by myself and the brakes are going bad on my car and i'm trying my best it's not that i'm being a victim or making things harder than they have to be it's just a lot of stuff all at the same time and i just want to smoke a ton of cigarettes. like that. if you're me, your mother calls at the exact moment that you're freaking out, unable to breathe, sort of forgetting where you are and the next half hour is spent spilling over into the phone, crying, while she tries to calm you down. somewhere during that conversation you're sort of brought back to earth by her offer to come over if you need her to which helps you realize exactly how much you're freaking out. also if you're me, because there's nothing else you can think of doing and something must be done, you go on a walking rampage around the neighborhood. you walk when it’s almost pitch black dark out even though you’re a little wary of the boogeyman (who in this case is male, has no face yet, is taller and stronger than you). you walk until the crazy leaves your eyes and you are out of the breath it would take to cry anymore...until the dog next to you has obviously had enough of walking. you walk until the adult takes over again. i need to slow down and take things one at a time...really. i need to do things like drink tea and schedule quiet time. if i don't, my mother will be right about yet another thing...that i won't be as successful as i want to be at all this.
Labels: Daily, School----- COMMENT: AUTHOR: Sorlil DATE:9/23/2006 05:08:00 PM oh dear sounds like a bad day, when I reach that point of the red cloud decending over me the only thing I can do is lie down and try and sleep it off. Dealing with one thing at a time is definately the way to go, and you're doing great so far. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR: BD DATE:9/27/2006 10:36:00 AM I'd say a white after red, cause everything gets the 'couldn't give a fuck' rubber stamp. Those little white spells don't last long enough... ----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: are you fucking kidding me? DATE: 9/21/2006 08:35:00 PM ----- BODY: having been pointed to this information is courtesy of one angry girl. Hooters Girls Give Thanks Quotes from the official Hooters Calendar, November 2000. • We are thankful we don’t understand anything Nietzche wrote. • We are thankful there are no Hooters guys. • We are thankful for every day we wake up without a chalk outline around our bodies. • We are thankful that wrinkles don’t hurt. only because i didn't really believe (and had to see for myself) that something like that would be advertised as normal and sane, i broke down and did it...i went to their website. it just got worse. and if you don't beleive me, i encourage you to see for yourself. i.e. (these are direct quotes): "Hooters is the only place you get 2 spectator sports for the price of 1." "The Hooters Calendar has come a long way since the beginning, improved in size and shape as well as in quality and content." "Some corporate slogans speak to improving the human condition...some speak to improving human relations...and then there's the Hooters restaurant chain. which cheerfully admits to no higher calling than lowbrow pleasure: 'Delightfully tacky, yet unrefined' (Fortune 100: September 1, 2003: linked to Hooters website). "If you piled up the 15,000 current Hooters girls...well, they'd really be stacked" (Fortune: 2003). nice to see fortune magazine really rising to the occasion by bringing out all the suggestive little quips they can come up with. nice to see a restaurant so proud of the trashy agenda they're selling (yes, it obviously sells well and i'm not denying that...deathly important to note, though, that the reason why it sells is obviously a much larger social issue). maybe it was latent rage caused by a half an hour wait at the post office earlier in the evening only to be told that they can't find the parcel they notified me about and had me drive up there for (we won't dwell on the fact that the "parcel" is probably the text book that i'm supposed to have read 6 chapters out of by monday-nor will we dwell on the fact that i almost burst into tears in the middle of the post office after being told that). could be the fact that for some reason when i got home, i started having to fight the urge to go buy a pack of cigarettes in order to smoke each and every one in it. whatever it was, when i read the above mentioned quotes i began to feel a little violent. as if it's not bad enough that they have to allow the women to appear "dumbed down" so that it will sell better...fortune 100 magazine takes it as an opportunity to sound "fun" and "hip" by turning the article into a adolescent's wet dream. this is how far we've come.
Labels: Fem, Rant----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: how my day went bad DATE: 9/20/2006 06:32:00 PM ----- BODY: it started off okay-got up early-got to work early-got enough sleep. i'd only had one cigarette since monday evening and still felt okay this morning. pretty good day. but then (in no particular order)... **i tried to fix the fact that my outlook doesn't auto-correct when i'm emailing at work...spent a good 45 minutes on it (as i have a tendency to fixate now that i'm trying to quit smoking) and still didn't get anywhere. no one could even help me that was sitting around me. i realize it is irrational but all that kept running through my head was you are old and you don't get technology anymore. **i realized that my lease is up in november...meaning i have to be out before november 1st. !!why did i think i had the entire month!! my landlord was nice enough to offer to extend my lease until february but that means trying to make it through the holidays while going to school, hardly working any overtime and paying bills for a home instead of an apt. right. **out of curiosity i did a quick search in seattle and all the surrounding areas that i would be okay living in. i. found. nothing. i mean nothing. plenty of places in ever-rot and kent and des moines and lynnwood. everywhere that i don't want to be. i had missed you for a couple of days stress...welcome back. **i have been sort of sad ever since i got back from vacation...couldn't figure out what it was because i went away and had a good time and got to spend an extended amount of time with j. then finally it hit me last night. when i am at home, i wake up alone, i go to sleep alone, i eat alone, i walk my dog alone, i come home to be alone during the week. i am tired of it. i am in a relationship, and so it's almost laughable to me that i feel the loneliest right now than i have ever felt in my life. it is possible to miss someone too much...you can miss them so much, having missed them for so long, that you miss them even when you're around them which is actually how i felt some of the time this past weekend. you can miss them so much that every single tentative plan to spend time together (because plans can never really a sure thing anymore) that doesn't work out starts to feel absolutely heartbreaking. i was told it isn't possible to miss someone too much...it is.
Labels: Daily, J----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: why i would not go to a strip club DATE: 9/19/2006 07:30:00 PM ----- BODY: this past weekend my friend's fiance' talked about how she wanted to do her bachelorette party. she started out by saying that she planned to do a coed thing in vegas a couple of weeks before their wedding which i can personally relate to thinking is great. i myself never understood why, if a man is so happy to be get married or be in love with someone in the first place, they have to buy into the ancient tradition of showing that happiness by complaining through 10 shots of alchohol about how freedom is over while leering at naked women (and being pressured to do god knows what else because heaven forbid anyone say 'no' in a group of drunk men-the kind of men that support strip clubs-and risk being seen as a coward). sidenote-i was accused by a "friend" once of having adverse feelings towards this tradition as a result of being "insecure" or "controlling" (funny...the same male friend that accused me of this is the same one that recently freaked out on me in the midst of their own insecurities). this isn't the case at all. when someone can explain to me in a reasonable fashion why, if i were in this situation, and the same man that i probably dated for a few years prior to that wedding didn't ever come to me to discuss their desire to hang out in strip clubs, but all of a sudden has to on the eve of what is supposed to be our happy thing we're doing because that one a-hole friend insists on it...maybe then i can accept it. until then, i don't agree with nor do i respect men using something that is supposed to celebrate togetherness and blah-blah-blah as an excuse to be a pig. it certainly wasn't women that thought up that tradition-male strip clubs weren't even around until the 70's. shortly after this discussion about what is to transpire for their bachelor/ette thing we started talking about what we were going to do that day (it was actually the day we were leaving and we had a few hours to kill). my friend colin says, we could head to a strip club. i realize he's not serious because he knows i wouldn't go. i give him the look anyway. then, of course, what gets discussed for a few minutes is why i wouldn't go. really? that's an odd thing? my friend's fiance' says, you wouldn't go even if we went for my wedding party? i shake my head no, thinking no, sweetheart, i wouldn't even go if another woman thought it was acceptable. here's the thing. if a woman thinks that's an okay profession for herself, than more power to her. on my list of things that get respect, a woman's choice to do what she wants with her own body and mind is pretty high up there. i can respect it, but i don't have to support it. that's the difference. nor do i have to pretend to be okay with something just because so many other people are (or because so many people that i'm in a group with look at me strangely when i share how i feel as if i'm the freak). because what i don't respect is a practice dating back to Mesopotamia that so boldly sends the message that women were put on this earth only for men's pleasure (see above where it states that men's strip clubs weren't even around until the 70's). i don't support a society that says this is an okay thing to do to women...that says it so much, yet so subtly, in fact, that so many women agree with it too. if women had thought this whole thing up-i might feel differently, because there's nothing at all wrong with women's bodies. what's wrong, is so many men that are allowed to feel as if, even for a little while, some dollar bills give them ownership over those bodies. i will stress it again; i don't respect another woman any less if that's what she feels is okay to do with herself. but i have to say that if i have children and i raise a daughter that comes to me someday and tells me that she is stripping for a living...i would seriously wonder and agonize over, what i did wrong with her.
Labels: Fem----- COMMENT: AUTHOR: Luke DATE:9/19/2006 09:42:00 PM "what's wrong, is so many men that are allowed to feel as if, even for a little while, some dollar bills give them ownership over those bodies."
Labels: School----- COMMENT: AUTHOR: DATE:9/19/2006 09:19:00 AM Way to GO!!! love, p ----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: it's not true until you say it DATE: 9/14/2006 12:14:00 PM ----- BODY: no matter how many times you might say it to yourself, thinking it up and re-thinking it in a proud way because it sounds so healthy to you, it's not true until you say it out loud so that someone else, even if it's just you, can hear it. i will no longer be the only one to take responsibility for this. i have done it for too long and i won't do it from this point on. i didn't realize how freeing it would be to hear myself say it. it's no longer up to only me. i no longer have to carry all the weight on my shoulders after giving some of it away. and yeah...just like that it's not upsetting anymore. it's that simple. choices usually are that simple...it's the person that is making the choice that makes it harder than it really needs to be. assignments are all done, bills are taken care of, loose ends are tied and my heart is no longer heavy with the task of being the only one wanting to make sure that everything is okay; now i can actually have fun in reno this weekend.
Labels: J----- COMMENT: AUTHOR: tekanji DATE:9/22/2006 12:52:00 AM I wish that I had your resolve. Even after I decide to wash my hands of that kind of thing, it still eats at me for months and sometimes years. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR: Kelly Bean DATE:9/22/2006 07:25:00 AM Allow me to be modest by saying that it takes me a while to get to the point where I can do that. Sometimes, things still eat at me for months and/or years. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: why does europe laugh at us again? DATE: 9/13/2006 10:53:00 AM ----- BODY: oh, yeah...i almost forgot. if you've forgotten, please see the above linked article. even more worthy of commentary is what some of the general public have to say about it in an open forum: http://starbucksgossip.typepad.com/_/2006/09/principal_tells.html#comments. case and point...this is what one post had to say: "And everyone who has said that the principal shouldn't do that, either doesn't have kids, doesn't have boys, or just do not care about their kids." (i won't even go into the embarrassing misuse of the english language...too easy) really? seriously??? i have problems with this on so many levels. to begin with this is what is apparently so down and out dirty: mermaids are a mythical creature-those aren't even a real person's breasts that the drawing is representing. the following words are not ones i would choose when describing or referring to women's bodies or sex: dirty, shameful, bad, frightening, embarrassing, disgusting, perverted. yet this is precisely the prevailing legacy we give many of our children without even having to say those words. this is what we teach a lot of our little girls for example, and then we send them out into the world expecting them to make successful choices regarding their sexuality and self-esteem. they actually get told in their teens that they are supposed to value themselves, have self-esteem and respect themselves. how incredibly confusing for an adolescent that grew up with so many messages that their body is dirty and wrong (don't even get me started on the "hygiene" products that women should supposedly be using that are shoved in our faces during every other t.v. commercial) and that sex is bad and shameful. and still, we are "shocked" at how many end up pregnant in their teens, suffering from STDs by the time they're 20 or even in abusive relationships. yes, there are definitely many other factors that play into all that; but no one will ever convince me that America's attitude towards sexuality and women's bodies don't have a lot to do with it. not to mention the fact that after navigating the mess of adolescence many of us then get to struggle as women with whether or not it's okay to acknowledge our sexuality. besides...kent is a pit anyway; i would think they have bigger problems to tackle in their public schools than a mermaid printed on the side of a freaking coffee cup.
Labels: Rant----- COMMENT: AUTHOR: Autumn S. DATE:9/17/2006 12:54:00 AM Wow, Kelly, all I can say is that I completely agree with you, and I couldn't have said it better myself;) ----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: the other half DATE: 9/12/2006 12:42:00 PM ----- BODY: "The widely criticized Hudood Ordinance law, based on Islamic tenets, requires a woman who claims she's been raped to produce four witnesses. Religious political parties had fiercely criticized an amendment bill that would have dropped the requirement as un-Islamic." four witnesses. four witnesses and if the accused man is found not guilty the woman can be convicted of "adultery" and put to death. how often would you think that there are four witnesses to something like this? but, that has changed. absent of four witnesses there is a second option now to file under the penal code. this is being celebrated as a major victory by it's supporters...and i realize that it is. they should be celebrating; heaven only knows how hard it was to even change that one single thing. i know that we're "supposed to" respect and accept all other religions and beliefs and diverse cultures. this has been drilled into my brain since as far back as i can remember-by the time i hit college it became a drilling overload. especially at a very "p.c." community college in a very "p.c." seattle. regardless of how un-p.c. this will sound, i don't believe that anymore. the day that someone can come up with a compelling enough argument to make me respect a religion that justifies treating women like dogs, then i will go back to subscribing to the notion that i should respect and accept "all" other religions/beliefs/etc. what's that expression again? something about hell freezing over i think. p.s. the title up top is actually the link to the article. could be just me, but it took me a minute to figure that out. :)
Labels: Fem----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: advance one space for making a friend...lose one turn for being unprepared DATE: 9/11/2006 11:02:00 PM ----- BODY: despite the fact that i was aware that it would be a 15 hour day i was totally excited to attend my first actual live class on campus this evening. i had a notebook, i arrived early and i had even remembered to pick up a sandwich so that i wasn't passing out by 8pm. only problem was that i didn't know where to go-i had studied every single character and/or number on my class detail and nowhere did it provide me with a room number or anything. luckily i ran into the director of my program on the way in, who kindly offered to show me where to go. i must have had that deer in the headlights look because i didn't even have to ask for the help. on the way up (in one of the slowest elevators still in operation on this planet) i find out why i didn't know where to go. apparently there is some type of email i'm supposed to be getting on fridays and in one of them was the classroom assignments. i do not get these emails. awesome. i arrived at class early and in my excitement began immediately chatting with the girl i happened to sit next to. oddly enough it turns out she works right across the street from me. i'd made a friend right away. neat. only when the chatting calmed down a bit did i start to look around and notice something alarming. books. textbook books in front of a smattering of people that appeared to be attached to this class. no, it's not odd to see textbooks in a class at school...i get that. the fact that i had no clue beforehand what book to get but they did was a little odd. i inquired about this to my new friend. she said something about a booklist that i only half heard because i was already starting to panic a little (just a little). sorry...booklist? something else i don't get? what is this booklist you speak of and where, pray tell, does it hail from? my new friend efficiently helped to solve the dilemma by telling me how to get my paws on one (amazon). awesome. the remainder of the class went great, with the exception of the briefest of moments on a break when despite my best efforts the vending machine laughed at me by refusing to take my money when all i really wanted was a lemonade to make me feel better about the fact that i had become overwhelmed all over again after going over the syllabus. had i been alone in the student lounge, that vending machine would have broken me down into tears. all i wanted was a lemonade...i really didn't think it was too much to ask for. thankfully i was not alone, and had the presence of mind to not be that girl that has to cry over something stupid and make everyone in the room feel ridiculously awkward. eventually, i calmed down about the overwhelmingness of it all and found my comfy spot in that class. it's essentially about therapeutic styles and counseling techniques...we had a rousing discussion of ethics in counseling as well. sweet. i know this...i've been there and done this stuff. although, i never did find out where to get that flippin' phantom booklist.
Labels: School----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: i want to poke my eyes out DATE: 9/09/2006 08:23:00 PM ----- BODY: i'm not kidding. i've written four papers today. four. i have been doing this since 10:30am...it's now 8pm. WTF!? oh...wait...i'm not even done. i still have one more left that since i can't possibly form any more intelligent sentences for today, i have to do tomorrow. no, it's not going to be like this every week...at least i don't think so, of course i haven't even been to my other class yet to see how much will be piled on. since i'll be gone for four days next week having fun, i must be punished during the entirety of this weekend. my eyes are a little swirly, i'm not quite sure that i'll be capable of speaking to another human the rest of the evening and i'm a little afraid to venture outside. i would have preferred a nice flogging in place of how my day was spent today.
Labels: School----- COMMENT: AUTHOR: DATE:9/10/2006 01:41:00 PM i would have preferred a nice flogging ....
Labels: Fam, J----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: lem's panic DATE: 9/07/2006 01:15:00 PM ----- BODY: a while back i planned a BBQ at my house. prior to the event my best friend piglet dutifully marked the day on her calender so she would be there. unfortunately i had to reschedule it for a later weekend so she crossed it off and put it on the appropriate weekend instead. her fiance' was looking at this calendar one day and on the day that had been crossed out mistakenly read it through the pen lines as "lem's panic". we found it fascinatingly hilarious that he would assume even for a moment that "lem's panic" would be something she might schedule. it's been added to the cache of personal jokes we have together that no one else would really understand or probably even think funny if it were explained to them. well...lem really IS panicking now. it has hit me smack in the face (ouch), how much work i will be doing when i'm in school. juggling everything-work, school, j, friends, family, bills, sadie. today i have been overwhelmed at the thought of this. and i don't say this to take away from the fact that i'm happy that i'm doing this because underneath the panic is a wealth of excitement still. i think i just neglected to mentally prepare myself for this, and it has snuck up on me. i believe i may have had to swallow my heart back down where it belongs at least 20 times so far because the anxiety is a little much. for a wild second, i thought of dropping a class to make it easier (i think for even a milli-second i doubted whether this is what i really wanted to do-though i hate to admit it). i've forced my brain to tell itself at least a hundred times today this is nothing, you're capable of this and much more. a friend at work, having seen what must be a crazed look in my eye every now and then, has said the same-she's doing the same thing, school and work all full time (thank you). certainly, don't get me wrong or confuse my words-i so want to be in this position. i am not going to quit-i am not going to chicken out and try to avoid the hard stuff. i'm going to attack it like i've attacked nothing else in my life so far. i just realized that it will take me a while to find my comfy spot in all this, is all-that comfy spot where the anxiety and doubt changes back to strength and confidence. and i will keep reminding myself that i can't be afraid to ask for help (a weakness of mine)-because that will get me to the cozy spot a little more efficiently.
Labels: School----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: truth DATE: 9/06/2006 04:31:00 PM ----- BODY: i so wish that i had the ability to sum up what really bothers me about this with the eloquence that this guy did... found this here: http://realmenarenot.com/blog1/?cat=12 By Robert JensenFeb 1, 2006 Pornography’s business has always been the exposure of women’s bodies for the pleasure of men, and that was readily evident at the annual Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas last month. But also exposed at the sex-industry gathering was the paradox of the pornography business at this particular moment: At the same time that the pornography industry and its products are more normalized than ever in the United States, the images they produce are more brutal and degrading toward women than ever. How can it be that a once-underground industry that lived at the margins of society has become mainstream, at precisely the same time that its sexual cruelty toward women is most pronounced? The resolution of the paradox offers disturbing insights not just into the sexual ethics and gender politics of the United States, but into the underlying values of the entire society. The AEE — which attracted 350 exhibitors to the Sands Expo Center, one of Las Vegas’ major convention facilities — is part industry-insider gathering and part public spectacle. About 18,000 fans, the vast majority of them men, paid $40 a day to wait in long lines to pick up autographs from their favorite women in pornography and be photographed next to them. While fans indulged their fantasies, pornography producers focused on deal-making, often sounding as if their business were no different than selling shoes. In seminars, industry experts talked about improving marketing and retailing practices to expand market share and increase profits On the convention floor, most everyone would have agreed with Paul Fishbein, president of Adult Video News, the trade magazine that sponsors the event: “[T]he industry is ready to serve the needs of adult retailers, as well as consumers that seek to celebrate their sexuality.” And “celebrate” they do, with no questions asked. In Las Vegas, no one was discussing the social implications of the commodification of sexuality and intimacy in the 13,000 new pornographic videos and DVDs released in 2005. Questions about the effects of sexualizing male dominance in a $12-billion a year business were not on the table. This was a venue for self-indulgence, not self-reflection. Pornography — though still resisted by some, from either a conservative/religious position or, on very different grounds, from a feminist point of view — has become just one more form of mass entertainment in a culture obsessively dedicated to the pleasure-without-thought-about-the-consequences principle. Not everyone likes it, but few see it as worth debating. But the paradox remains: At the same time that it is more accepted, pornography’s content is becoming steadily more extreme. In the “gonzo” style (those films with no plot or characters, just straightforward sex on tape) that dominates the market, directors continue to push the edge, filming increasingly rougher sexual practices involving multiple penetrations of women by two or three men at a time, or oral sex designed to make a woman gag, while the language used to insult women during sex grows harsher. Since legal controls on pornography began loosening in the 1970s, pornographers have pushed the limits of sexualizing the denigration of women. Though the pornography industry loves to talk about growing sales to women and the so-called “couples market,” men are still the vast majority of pornography consumers in the United States. Producers and distributors I interviewed at the convention all estimated their clientele was 80 to 90 percent men. What do these men want to watch? It turns out they like viewing sexual acts that the majority of women do not want to perform in their lives. While there is no survey data about women’s preferences regarding multiple penetrations or gag-inducing sex, informal investigation suggests such things are not common in the day-to-day lives of most people and not sought after by most women. So, how can we explain the paradox? People typically do not openly endorse cruelty or the degradation of women. Yet just as those features of pornography are more extensive and intense than ever, graphic sexually explicit material is more widely accepted than ever. How can a culture embrace images that violate its stated values? Wouldn’t a society that purports to be civilized reject sexual material that becomes evermore dismissive of the humanity of women? There are two potential explanations. First, because of the way pornography works, most of the consumers don’t see the material as being saturated with cruelty or degradation; the sexual pleasure that pornography produces tends to derail critical viewing and thinking. When consumers are focused on the pleasure, the politics drop out of view. So, when fans I interviewed said they didn’t think the material they watched embodied male domination and female subordination, they likely were being honest. They don’t see it, because they are too absorbed in feeling the sexual pleasure to be thinking about such issues. But some men are quite clear about the gender politics in pornography, and they like it. Most of the advertising for the gonzo style highlights the subordination of women — one company brags it is in the business of “degrading whores for your viewing pleasure” — which suggests that’s exactly what some men are looking for. The second explanation is a painful reminder that, in fact, the United States is a nation that has no serious objection to cruelty and degradation. After all, there was no sustained, collective outrage over the revelations of systematic torture by U.S. military forces, epitomized by the photos from Abu Ghraib in Iraq. One prominent right-wing commentator compared it favorably to fraternity hazing rituals, which is not entirely misguided — fraternity hazing is routinely cruel and degrading, albeit at a much lower level. The United States is a society that uses brutal levels of military force, including the illegal targeting of civilian infrastructure (such as in the 1991 Gulf War, when power, sewage, and water facilities were targeted) and the routine use of weapons that military officials know kill large numbers of civilians (such as cluster bombs that continue to kill long after the conflict is over, as unexploded bombs detonate for years). The culture celebrates this as evidence of our benevolence as we “liberate” other countries. The United States is a society that locks up more than 2 million people, a higher percentage of its population than any other country, disproportionately non-white. The everyday conditions under which many of those human beings are kept in this prison-industrial complex are so harsh and degrading that leading human-rights groups condemn U.S. prison practices. The culture celebrates this as evidence of the superiority of our system of “justice.” And the United States is a society that has built thousands of glittering temples to unsustainable levels of consumption — called shopping malls — in this wealthiest nation in history, while nearly half the world’s people live on less than $2 a day. The culture celebrates this state of affairs as the wondrous workings of the magical market. So, there is no paradox in the mainstreaming of an intensely cruel pornography; pornographers aren’t a deviation from the norm. Their presence in the mainstream shouldn’t be surprising, because they represent mainstream values: The logic of domination and subordination that is central to patriarchy, nationalism, racism, and capitalism. What pornography says about sexuality, intimacy, and gender politics in the contemporary United States is frightening. What it says about our entire society is even more disturbing. Robert Jensen is a journalism professor at the University of Texas at Austin and a member of the board of the Third Coast Activist Resource Center, http://thirdcoastactivist.org/. He is the author of The Heart of Whiteness: Race, Racism, and White Privilege and Citizens of the Empire: The Struggle to Claim Our Humanity (both from City Lights Books). He can be reached at email@example.com. original article: http://www.opednews.com/articles/opedne_robert_j_060201_the_paradox_of_porno.htm
Labels: Fem----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: if you are under the impression that sexual harassment against women isn't such a big deal anymore because it's the year 2006 DATE: 9/06/2006 01:43:00 PM ----- BODY: please rethink that assumption. cause, yah, it is the year 2006...it shouldn't be happening anymore. taking a personal day to get mentally ready for my first class tonight (i think it's statistics...ugh). i finished my first assignment for my online class!!! granted it was a no word limit autobiography about me, but i still completed my first assignment. took a break for a moment and found myself at one of the coolest websites i've ever seen. please see the following...http://www.hollabacknyc.blogspot.com/. checked around on their links to find that there actually is one for seattle...http://hollabackseattle.wordpress.com/. thank you to whoever runs that. i don't personally know you, but i love you. (for those who might assume that it's a bunch of "femi-nazis" spouting off on the web, there are men involved in running these sites as well.) do me a favor, play around for a bit & read some of those stories. yah...it may seem like not a very big deal if some a-hole on the street yells out hey sexy, or whatever they think is "cute" to say at the time. i mean, hey, they're not touching anyone...they're not raping anyone, right? try being the girl in that situation, though...especially if it's a bunch of guys in a group and you have no idea whatsoever what they might do. it's true-it's not about sex...it's about power. it happened to me the other day on my way into mad's to take care of my cats. right on 85th during rush hour freaking traffic. the likelihood that anything dangerous was going to happen to me was admittedly low...it's still scary when there are 4 males that you don't know yelling at you and you're not quite sure what they might do if it happens to offend them that you're ignoring them. not to mention the day that i was minding my own business trying to walk home from the bus and some freak made a point to run around the block again to pass by slowly and stare. thankfully it was 95 degrees that day and i was irritated enough to give him the finger. thinking back on it now i should have gotten his license and got on the phone right then to report him so he could see that i was doing it. next time i will. i was in my own neighborhood for christ's sake...women should be able to walk around in their own neighborhood without having to worry that some asshole might follow them. of course, it doesn't help us out much when men's magazines simply encourage it. please note the following: http://realmenarenot.com/blog1/?p=298. women are to be "invaded"? fuck you MAXIM is right.
Labels: Fem----- COMMENT: AUTHOR: Luke DATE:9/06/2006 04:41:00 PM Hey Kelly! Thanks for passing on the link :) Also, the down-but-not-out Hollaback Seattle has some big things in store that will be ready hopefully by the end of the month. Basically, it'll be a an umbrella "Hollaback Pacific Northwest" that does the NY street harassment thing but also introduces a few other relevant issues like the very Washington...sexist t-shirts. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR: Kelly Bean DATE:9/06/2006 06:23:00 PM Thanks for letting me know! I'll keep checking the site to see what's happening. :) ----- -------- AUTHOR: Kelly Bean TITLE: 's' stands for sweeet DATE: 9/01/2006 09:19:00 AM ----- BODY: it also stands for school. it stands for the school that moved locations without telling me. i found this out yesterday when i went to my orientation. of course, i could have realized this had i looked more closely at all the forms that have been faxed back and forth for the past few weeks...but, oh well. thankfully billy bean was still at work and kindly helped me when i called to ask for computer assisted directions. i arrive to find that they have moved down by the waterfront (!), next to the old spaghetti factory. perfect. it isn't until i enter the building and see the 'newness' of the facilities, desks, etc. that i begin to feel, not excited...but intimidated. just for the briefest of moments. it's been a long time since i sat in classes, and when i last did so, it didn't feel this serious. i wasn't facing a huge student loan with my name on it. i felt young enough to where if what i had been doing didn't work out, i could always just change classes and do something different. it was community college after all. this place has 'university' in the title. things are serious here. i choose to push the intimidation aside by reminding myself that my potential and my awareness that i am meant be in this field are my badges showing that i belong here. i check myself in and am led to the room for orientation-i am one of only a handful of people in the room because i have arrived wildly early. the room is filled with those half-assed desks with tables that one can move up or down...you know, the ones you were probably forced to use in high school where the tables attached were so useless that if you were like me and never threw anything away (especially not the triangle-folded notes from friends) and had a huge notebook, it would continually slide off the table? those desks. i sit down at one of them and because the room is so empty it feels strange and lonely. sitting there, i notice that i feel sort of like i did in high school as well...strange and lonely. fascinating. someone looking official comes into the room to see if the handful of us there already would like to go get our student ID's. this is the moment that the pure, raw excitement comes back that i've been feeling for the past few weeks. i want that student ID. it will say 'student' with my name on it, and will be complete with a really bad picture that i will wish for the entirety of my time here that i can take over again. it's the tangible badge that says i belong here. of course, my student number is not on the sheet, and so i am told i must wait. as it nears 6pm the room begins to fill up with people of various ages and from various histories. complete with their presence the room starts to feel more cozy...after all, most of them are psychology students from one degree or another, and psychology people are always a little more cozy than the average person. i meet the director of my program, and the registration guy, whom i have been communicating with via email and fax for weeks...it's nice to know what they look like, that they are actual people and not just a voice on the phone. they remember me, and they welcome me with a warmth that is rare of school officials based on my previous experiences. i am used to dealing with the embittered registration assistant that when you ask them for help stares at you as if you might be their next meal. people are nice here. i sit through orientation and they talk about general stuff...library stuff, resources available, financial aid stuff, student govt. stuff. it's run of the mill school talk but the entire time i am exhilerated to be hearing it. i hang on every word they are saying. it's then that i notice something i hadn't noticed before. i can breathe here. my first comm. college experience started at shoreline comm. it was horrid. half my graduating high school class started there as well...it was a bunch of suburban kids and the breakdown of diversity went something like this: 5% Other 40% Asian American 55% Caucasian horribly boring. yes i actually was pysically breathing the entire time i was there, but the only way i can describe it, is that i felt like i couldn't. so, when i walked into the next school i went to, seattle comm. on capitol hill, that's what i was looking for. and the minute i stepped in, i could breathe. that's how i knew that i should be there. i am surprised that i didn't notice it before. it's then that the pure, uncontrollable excitement turns to a fuzzy and warm calm. and i think to myself, i am supposed to be here. i belong here. i'm going to do better than i ever thought myself capable of here. when it is time to go, i am able to get my student ID. and i adore it the entire way home...even though i happened to be wearing pigtails that day and they will be stuck with me in that picture for eternity.
Labels: School----- COMMENT: AUTHOR: kay-see DATE:9/01/2006 10:45:00 AM Um, I know I should comment on all of your school stuff and how exciting it is...buy you said, "Spaghetti Factory" and I've been distracted ever since. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR: Sorlil DATE:9/02/2006 01:00:00 AM argh student ID's - nearly as bad as passport photos! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR: Kelly Bean DATE:9/03/2006 02:39:00 PM Let me just say that it was all I could do not to make a beeline FOR the spaghetti factory when I went to the thing. I get it. :)